The actor apparently showed up to an actress' house on the first date, and, after she opened the door, he asked if they could just have sex immediately, because he had to get up early the next day. When Leno told Jennifer who it was, she said that she went out with that guy, too, and he was equally gross with her.

Reviewing the list of celebrities (known celebrities, that is) that Jennifer Love Hewitt has dated, there were three actors who fit the bill:

• Wilmer Valderrama
• Stephen Dorff
• John Cusack

Valderrama is a known womanizer, Dorff seems like he would be ballsy enough to make such requests, and Cusack, rumored to be a real grump, would probably be annoyed by having to go through the rigmarole of actually sitting through dinner and boring conversation to get to the sex when he knew he had an early call the next day.

My immediate guess is Valderrama, but the name that Jay says is really short and it sounds like it has an "s" toward the end. So John Cusack it is!

"After several great years together my last assistant and I have decided to date, thus making a professional relationship a conflict of interest. Be aware that this could be a temporary position if things do not work out between the two of us. All the standard prerequisites apply, positive attitude, promptness, attention to detail, good hygiene and strong fashion sense a MUST."

More gratifying household chores responsibilities — and your guesses as to the aid-boffing boss's identity — follow after the jump.

Of course you'll be expected to perform all the usual call-rolling, filing and calendar coordination duties, but the ideal candidate will have additional tolerance for an even wider range of soul-coarsening degradation:

Other duties that may be asked of you from time to time are:
Personal shopping (i.e. belts)
Cooking- experience with liquidarian preparation preferred but not required
Pet management (I live in a ranch style home in the Hollywood hills so hope you like horses, dogs, and a prize winning show peacock) may be asked of you from time to time but not part of your regular duties

So! We have a belt-wearing liquidarian with a handsome peacock (unless that slyly refers to either an NBC dance show we don't yet know about or... well, never mind). That should be easy enough to suss, right? Help us help you.

• Assistant Needed for High Ranking Staffer on Hit Dance Reality Show [Craigslist via WYBM]

Us
"I Was Betrayed By Spencer." Look, we could not care less about these people, but it's our duty to report on this crap: Basically, Spencer maybe cheated on Heidi but Heidi says, "Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat." Spencer agrees: "We have different interpretations of cheating." Yawn. Also inside: "From K-Fed To Well-Fed" Kevin Federline has put on "daddy weight" and has a paunch now. Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are having "late-night trysts" in Miami. Lastly: Mary-Kate and Ashley are "writing" a book called Influence about designers and artists who have inspired them. The book will have pictures. "Exclusive" pictures.
Grade: F (hot, overflowing Porta Potty)

OK!
"Secret Baby Vows." Angelina might be living in Texas when she gives birth; she'll be based there while Brad shoots a film. She likes small towns because she can buy a slice of pizza without being harassed. Maddox thinks "Mallory" and "Joe" are good baby names. Oddly, there's nothing really about "vows," despite what the cover claims. Also inside: Lauren Conrad will write a tell-all book exposing Hollywood's social scene, and drop details about Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Kristin Cavallari. The producers of Chicago want both Nicole Richie and Paris to be in the show, because they think those kids sell tickets. Cynthia Nixon on her relationship with her partner: "I'm in love with her because she's her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don't know." The top 10 "Stylish Couples" include Heidi Klum and Seal, and the Beckhams (Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher come in at No. 1). Lastly: Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are seeing each other again but her friends worry about his drinking and chronic depression.
Grade: D- (decomposing roadkill skunk)

Life & Style
"At Home With The Cruises." The weirdly PhotoShopped cover features Suri magically suspended between her parents. The power of Xenu! Right now the Cruise family is living in a four bedroom apartment in the Scientology Celebrity Centre in L.A. while they await $15 million in renovations on their home to be done. But they're down-to-earth! Katie runs around the house in sweat pants and gym socks and answers the phone. Wow. Also inside: Angelina Jolie wants to take Maddox to Cambodia because he's been asking questions about his homeland. Benji Madden's friends don't approve of him dating Paris Hilton, shocker. Britney Spears has dumped Adnan Ghalib: After finding text messages from his wife on his iPhone, Brit spat on him and told him to get out. Nicky Hilton's dropped a ton of weight* but her boyfriend thinks she looks hot; he did date Mary-Kate Olsen. Lastly: Jessica Biel gave Justin Timberlake an ultimatum, saying "It's either me or Kate [Hudson]," claims an insider.
Grade: D (four-day-old unrefrigerated dead fish)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Blow-Up Over Wedding." Brangelina got into a screaming match and went to separate bedrooms, slamming doors, because Brad wants a big wedding in New Orleans and Angie doesn't. Oh, and Brad's mom invited Jen. Whatever. Also inside: Did Rumer Willis have a boob job? Jennifer Aniston thinks her new boyfriend Jason Lewis is better than Brad Pitt because Brad was "always looking in the mirror and talking about his hair," a source says. Jason's more wash 'n go! Is new mom Salma Hayek jealous of Nicole Richie's post-baby weight loss? She was overheard at an event saying,"I have to think about what I can wear. It's not like I'm Nicole Richie!" Um, Salma? Nicole is not normal. FYI. Blind item! "What superstar celebrity who appears to have it all is about to get her own private island? Her generous husband is shopping for a tropical paradise to give her for an upcoming milestone birthday?" Plus: Mariah Carey is in such great shape! "I've been working with this fabulous woman who is my trainer, my water aerobics teacher, and my chef," she says. In Paris, Mary-Kate seemed "cozy" with notorious druggie Lapo Elkann, but then again, she does like bad boys (Nate Lowman, Max Snow, Stavros Niarchos, Heath Ledger). Matt Lauer could get divorced and it could cost him half of his $50 million fortune. [Uh, he's worth fifty million??? -Ed.] Meanwhile his wife, Annette has lost weight; she's 100 lbs. and 5'8". WTF. Star claims that Britney dumped Adnan because he met a swag bag girl in an Oscar gift suite, asked for her number and then spent five nights in a row at her house. He told her that being with Britney had become unbearable because she's so crazy. Also! A doctor (who, of course, does not treat Britney) says she looks pregnant, judging from a photo. Lastly: T.R. Knight, 34, has a "teen sweetheart"! His boyfriend Mark Cornelson is 19. They look cute together!
Grade: D+ (vomit)

In Touch
"Britney's Darkest Secret." The story is mostly speculation about how Britney believes she was sexually abused when she was younger, according to a "source." She was surrounded by adults for most of her childhood. She refers to herself in the third person, using the name "Baby," like, "Baby's getting better. Baby was sad but now she's happy." So she could have some sort of repressed memory due to trauma. Or not. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie are living "separate lives." Guy's father, John, tells the magazine "They're not spending any time together." Benji Madden and Paris Hilton "bonded over Harlow" when they both went to visit Nicole, Joel and the baby. Paris' mom Kathy is "overjoyed" that Benji is a gentleman and not some trust-fund baby, a source says. Hookups: Lauren Conrad is having a secret romance with Brothers & Sisters hottie David Annable. He is so cute! Cameron Diaz was seen having a quiet dinner date with Sean "Diddy" Combs in West Hollywood. Kirsten Dunst has a rehab romance with a fellow patient and "sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes." Lindsay Lohan is the "roommate from hell" and a "slob" which is why Courtenay Semel moved out. Avril Lavigne is pregnant; she was seen with her hand on her tummy while shopping in Beverly Hills. Rihanna won't admit she's dating Chris Brown even though they were seen snogging in Paris. Lukas Haas is moving in with buddy Leonardo DiCaprio, but not paying rent. Katie Holmes is "obsessed" with being skinny: She's eating very small amounts of food, starting to look ill and is underweight at 5'9" and 110 lbs. Kate Hudson is totally not pregnant, as her skimpy bikini pix show. Last: Colin Farrell drives an $11,000 Ford Bronco he bought on the Internet.
Grade: C- (bad breath)

*As seen here.

OK!
"Angie's Joy, Jen's Pain." Intern Sharon didn't even read the whole cover story because she's so sick of Angelina vs. Jennifer crap. But she sums the article up thusly: "Jennifer is 'upset' by the fact that 'she'll never bear Brad's babies.' Ugh!" There are, however, two pages of "Silver Foxes": Tim Gunn, Harrison Ford, Anderson Cooper and George Clooney. Yay! Also inside: During a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian ate a cheeseburger, a taco, a bite of a hot dog, a bite of KFC and two doughnuts. For lunch. Jaime Lynn Spears picked up 5 lbs. of crawfish for her baby daddy's dinner. She also likes to go to Sonic and order cheesecake bites dipped in barbecue sauce. Dannielynn Birkhead's eye condition is called strabismus, and she's getting surgery in early March. Does anyone know if that is connected to fetal alcohol syndrome?
Grade: D (hail)

Life & Style
"This Is Crazy!" Angelina took a 19 hour flight to Iraq — alone! She also traveled outside of the country's green zone. OMG. She spent most of her time talking to soldiers, and went on the trip in order to highlight the fact that 60% of Iraqi refugees are younger than 12. Intern Sharon says, "She should adopt one!" Also inside: Madonna's party for Malawi raised $5.5 million. Did Britney "lose" $60 million? She's being audited and her parents think Sam Lutfi was using her cash to pay his rent. Plus private planes, hotel rooms, shopping and an entourage don't come cheap. Right now her dad is giving her $60 a day, and if she needs more she has to explain why. Meanwhile, sis Jamie Lynn was seen in a Louisiana Wal-Mart looking depressed. Also: Fergie spent $30,000 in 2 hours at Calvin Klein in NYC; Sam Lufti was at Paris Hilton's birthday party and didn't leave her side all night; the Olsen twins go out, but they don't party out of happiness... they have trust issues and blah blah blah. Heidi Montag is turning to choreographer Shane Sparks for dance-move assistance. He plans on helping her by combining the styles of Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara and Chris Brown.
Grade: D+ (sleet)

Us
"Michelle's Final Goodbye." One of the first things you see when you open the magazine is a picture of John Mayer in a Borat-style lime green swim contraption*, which is great, since the cover story is so damn sad. Many of the details of Heath's funeral are here: Michelle broke down while reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which begins, "Shall I compare thee to summer's day." Then she and the other mourners walked into the ocean, where they slapped the water and yelled Heath's name like they wanted him to hear. Also inside: Upon checking into a NYC hotel, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was pissed no paparazzi had followed her. "Where are the photographers? I want them alerted that I'm here!" she reportedly said. She also had lunch at Michael's and her date was late — Posh was seen sitting alone at her table fiddling with her BlackBerry and twitching in her seat for half an hour. The nerve of some people! Plus: After reading comments from people who hated her music video, Heidi Montag says, "I cried myself to sleep. I'm just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams." Spencer Pratt says, "I don't think I need to defend it, it's a piece of art." Also a piece of art: The surely staged photo accompanying this article, which features Heidi sitting on a curb, holding her CD and weeping as Spencer ardently kisses her head. Lastly, Britney is making "baby steps" on the road to recovery, and her mom says she sees glimpses of her daughter coming back. Yet she continues to speak in a British accent! But Brit has no credit cards and no cash right now; she's basically grounded.
Grade: C (rain)

In Touch
"I Don't Want My Kids Back." Britney's been talking to her first husband, Jason Alexander. He claims Brit says she wants to see her boys, but doesn't want to be a full-time mom. She feels like she can always have other kids later on. (!!!!) Also inside: While Angelina was in Iraq, she wasn't scared at all — though she did wear a bullet-proof vest and have a security team of 10... the security cost of visit reportedly ran up to $100,000. Michael Lohan tells the magazine that daughter Lindsay has been on Oxycodone, Adderall, Xanax and Ambien, "But most young people shouldn't be on some of these medications. Instead, they should get spiritual guidance and exercise." Meanwhile, Lindsay was seen swapping numbers with Josh Hartnett at NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn. Lastly: Jason Biggs' fiancée is pregnant;Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland was upset that her solo CD didn't do as well as she'd hoped (But! She got a boob job); while the writers' strike was on, a lot of stars went off their diets — "they soften up when they're not working," the mag says. Yet they are all still very thin!
Grade: C+ (flurries)

Star
"Married In Mexico!" Britney and Adnan Ghalib had a quickie wedding back on January 9, but it's taken everyone this long to figure it out! When Britney accused her mom of sleeping witih her husband, it wasn't Kevin she was talking about — her "hubby" is Adnan. Since the elopement took place four days after she was rushed to the hospital and declared 5150, there's no telling what her mental state was during the nuptials. Plus: Adnan gets free Ed Hardy clothing on the condition that he wears it when he's with Britney (and gets photographed in it). Also inside: Knocked-up Jessica Alba says, "Every couple of hours, I turn into Satan if I don't eat something." Josh Hartnett and Helena Christensen were seen hanging all over each other; they're clinging to each other for comfort after Heath's death. Madonna probably had an eye and eyebrow lift, as well as Botox and fat injected into her face, since her eyes look different, her forehead has no lines and she's got apple-cheeks. Blind item! "Which hot TV star who is dating an award-winning singer likes to play while the cat is away? The actor has been busy making the round during NYC's fashion week trying to score with lots of ladies." Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are all named as co-hosts of a pre-Oscar benefit in Beverly Hills on February 23. "Brad is prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight," claims a source. Another insider says: "If Jen is nice, Angie will be nice. If Jen is mean, Angie will let her have it." Jamie Lynn Spears is known for "drinking to get wrecked." She even drank mouthwash. Residents of Kentwood, LA are spilling all her business: "I know for a fact that [baby daddy] Casey was not her first," says one. "There were at least two others." Plus! JLS was at a party recently and made out with the host. The guy asked if she'd broken up with Casey, to which Jamie Lynn reportedly replied, "I'm pregnant. I can have have sex with anyone I want. I can't get pregnant again." When that guy ran away, JLS left with some other dude, who told everyone the next day that yeah, they had sex. But now she's going to move out of her mom's house an into a double-wide trailer. "That's how we do it in Louisiana," says a source. Kirsten Dunst is a drunk, maybe because, growing up, she always had to please her mom, her acting coaches or directors and not herself. Sigh. Heath Ledger had Oxycodone in his system when he died, but there was no bottle of those pills found in the apartment. Did Mary-Kate's bodyguard arrive before the police and remove it? "The person who provided Heath those drugs can be held responsible and possibly be charged with manslaughter," says a former medical examiner. Lastly: Kirstie Alley is "lonelier than ever and packing on the pounds again"; iIn a will-they-or-won't-they wedding story that's 6 pages long, Angelina and Brad may have a Buddhist ceremony; Jessica Alba is pressuring Cash to set a date; Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts will get hitched in Australia before the end of the year; and it doesn't look good for Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: "All they do is fight."
Grade: B (blizzard with schools & offices closed)

*As seen here.

Ted sez: I think we use the phrase drama queen too much. Like, it's totally lost its meaning. Which is too bad, because Vamperella Vein-Pop is, like, the only babe I can think of who seriously deserves to be crowned DQ of Hollywood. (Yep, Ashlee Simpson you ain't got nothing on the wanton one.)

So, get this. Ms. V-P managed to find herself a nice, non-famous boyfriend. We'll call him Rock Helmet. Now, Vamperella wasn't taking Rock to red carpet events and stuff—but he sure was treating her right whenever she got the hardened itch (which was far less than her saucy image lets on). But, V.V-P. is so damn competitive, I bet there's only one guy in the freakin' universe she'd condescend to be seen in public with. Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are up! See them here.

• The Awful Truth: One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice [E! Online]

Ted sez: "Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.) But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks—all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you—like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump.

You say: We all know the Toothy Tile drill by now: Jake Gyllenhaal. But Ted's bizarre insistence on pounding this particular alleged poof over and over again has some readers thinking conspiracy theory: "I wonder if we're not all being played for publicity's sake. The title of Ted's item is 'One Forced Fagola Blind Vice'...so I started thinking - 'forced'? It all make perfect sense - sort of the opposite of the traditional beard - maybe Jake's bf is his...purse...so to speak. To promote Brokeback Mountain, he's being 'forced' into this 'fagola' relationship to create buzz around his gay cowboy movie. And I think Ted's in on the stunt."

Food for thought! In a completely unrelated note, Universal Pictures' Jarhead opens today in a theater near you!

You also say: Gaining a surprising amount of support this time around was Leonardo DiCaprio, who recently split with supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen, and whom The Gays have been trying to draft onto their team since the actor's stint on Growing Pains.

And The Andy Dick Memorial “You Also Say” Item Goes To: Dakota Fanning. Looks like you're not going to let us lay off the tyke for even an afternoon. You are bad, bad people, and Fanning's lawyers will be contacting each of you individually.

• The Blind Item Guessing Game: Toothy Tile Returns, Again [Defamer]