It's been a week since the hoards of press gathered at the Jolie-approved press conference to learn that nothing has happened, is happening, will happen for "weeks to come." And without vital information such as this, the media was forced to gather these stories from the next best source: disgruntled hospital staff.

"I think she's in meltdown mode. She's been getting upset if there's not enough ice in her glass."

To be fair, an adequate amount of ice, a perfect drink makes.

But far worse, Jolie has abandoned her typical Jolie behavior like tatoo-ing Mr. Jolie's back or proudly commending Maddox on his Charlton Heston-y ways and instead, has morphed into some sort of mousy-haired housewife from Kansas:

She's not walking around anymore. She doesn't even take a shower early in the morning. She just stays in bed, talking on her phone, typing on her computer, reading magazines and watching TV.

Luckily, Jolie will soon return to her Benetton-approved family and enjoy adequately iced beverages because the World's Most Important Pregnancy is scheduled to conclude via c-section on Tuesday.

"Shit," said the unborn twins.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Heavily pregnant Angelina Jolie 'fed up and can't wait for twins to be born' [Daily Mail]

[Photo credit: AP]

• Angelina Jolie [news.yahoo.com]

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.

Would he announce that her twins had been born? That remained a mystery; the hospital wouldn't say.

Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was seen leaving the seafront Lenval hospital Wednesday morning with one of their four young children.

At this point, any announcement from Dr. Sussmann at the very least better contain the words, "Nous ici à Saint-Angelina Divin sur la Côte d'Azur sommes ravis d'annoncer que l'utérus sacré a vidé. Mlle Jolie est maintenant l'heureux propriétaire de jumeaux, de sexe indéterminé."* We'd like to see this news conference end in cheers, cigars, and the sounds of popping champagne corks—not a mob of exhausted and unruly celebrity journalists pummeling the Hardest Working Obstetrician in Show Business.

*"We here at Saint-Angelina Divine on the French Riviera are delighted to announce that the sacred uterus has emptied. Miss Jolie is now the proud owner of twins, sex undetermined."

UPDATE: Dr. Sussmann has delivered his statement, and we're afraid it's yet more disappointment. From usmagazine.com:

Angelina Jolie hasn't given birth yet, her obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussman, said Wednesday at a French Riviera hospital. Asked when Jolie is expected to have her twins, he replied "in the weeks to come."

How much more of this can we take? All we want is to welcome the Chosen Twins and the helium is fast leaking from our Welcome Baby Saviors! mylar balloons!

• Angelina Jolie Hospital Details [AP/HuffPo]

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital.

While that's a pedestrian translation at best (they forgot about all the "A Closer world exclusive! All mentions must credit Closer! Long live the Republic!" stuff), they've managed to capture the central concept: The Chosen Twins are back, for the very first time. Beyond that, details—including whether their names are Isla, Amelie, Eloise, Madeline, Gigi, Irma La Douce, or some other beloved character from the French fiction canon—are scarce. Developing!

Ohmaga! There's a development already:

In Touch has learned that the Wanted star did check into the Hospital Lenval's Santa Maria clinic in Nice, France on June 30. "Ms. Jolie came to the hospital last night as part of a pre-planned rest period, before she gives birth," Nadine Bauer, spokeswoman for the hospital tells In Touch. "The visit has been planned for a long time, there are no complications. She is just resting" Bauer adds. Angelina's babies are expected to be delivered by French doctor Michele Sussmann and her regular OBGYN Jason Rothbart, who is due to fly to Europe later this week.

Merde. Oh well, c'est la vie. And don't forget—toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site intouchweekly.hollywood.com.

• Angelina Jolie In Hospital To Have Her Twins [HuffPo]
• Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ! [Closermag.fr]

After my last divorce, I said I was absolutely going to marry somebody in another field, an aid worker or something. Then I met Brad, everything I wasn't looking for, but the best man, the best father I could possibly wish for, you know? I don't see him as an actor. I see him very much as a dad, as somebody who loves travel and architecture more than being in movies.

She hopes Pitt will spend more time working on architecture—though he's in fact not an architect. "He just has an eye for it," she said. "You hear people talk about design or buildings, and assume, especially when somebody has another career, 'Oh, that's a hobby.' Like somebody coming into money appreciating Picasso. But I have seen him design, with his partners, everything from hotels to studios. Or in New Orleans, with other architects, re-doing a shotgun house with green architecture, bringing light in, angles of the sun in summer and winter, how that would affect the rooms. He's taught me so much about the homes we live in."

Indeed, Pitt once told the very same publication of his awestruck admiration for starchitect Frank Gehry—as evidenced by a widely circulated photo-op, followed by a long string of unopened Gehry Evites. Now, the Burn After Reading star and lifetime Elle Decor subscriber is getting the chance to put his own indelible mark on the global landscape: According to Variety, he's working as "part of a team of consultants designing an 800-room, five-star hotel" in Dubai, the United Arab Emirates city hellbent on turning itself into a metropolis-sized The Grove. Among Pitt's personal contributions: the world's highest dancing waters, set to former Dubai couch-surfer Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough," and a trolley made of solid gold that stations in the hotel lobby and stops at every Louis Vuitton location in the greater area.

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

• A Woman in Full [Vanity Fair]
• Brad Pitt turns focus to Dubai [Variety]

Jossip hears that somebody has been impersonating Angelina's assistant Holly Goline, using a fake BlackBerry email address and sending erroneous reports to the press. Jolie's attorneys at cease-and-desist happy firm Lavely & Singer are said to be circulating a letter among entertainment outlets explaining the situation.

And the worst part? This impostor has been sending fake information to the media for the past year. Time to start counting up all those outrageously untrue items!

Says the letter:

"A random individual has engaged in a scheme to intentionally harm my client and deceive her fans, the public and the media through illegal and tortuous impersonation of Ms Jolie's long-time assistant, Holly.

"The individual who claims to be, and to whom the media has relied upon as, a 'reliable source' is not my client's assistant, nor does the email address belong to my client's assistant."

With the how now in hand, we're left with an even greater mystery: the who. Who could be responsible for a tortuous impersonation of Jolie, the hugely admired proprietor of one of the most extensive orphan-collections on Earth? For that answer, one need only rearrange the letters of the hoaxster's pseudonym, Holly Goline, to form the anagrammatic phrase, "Hill: Ego Only." Clearly, this is the work of Barack Obama.*

*Failing that, we blame Iggy.

• Angelina Jolie's Fake Assistant Lied About Her Giving Birth [Jossip]

Contrary to a flurry of recent reports that Angelina Jolie has delivered her twins, PEOPLE confirms that the rumors are not true.

"Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France," a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

You'll forgive us if we don't know who to believe anymore, as if we thought we could rely on anyone for accurate news on the contents of Jolie's womb, it was the expert celebrity birthologists at ET. As of post time, no correction has yet been appended to their website, and so we're left at this point with no choice but to split the difference, and assume just one Chosen Blob poops among us, possibly named Gigi or Madeline.

• EXCLUSIVE: Angelina Birth Rumors Not True [People]

UPDATE #1: We have names. "ISLA (pronounced eye-la) MARCHELINE (after Angie's mom) and AMELIE JANE (after Brad's mom) JOLIE-PITT."
UPDATE #2: ET's report is wrong, says People!

• Angelina has her twins! [ETonline.com]