Sure, she could have turned to 2008 Flacky Honorees like Elliot Mintz or Jonathan Jaxson. But then there's the risk of Jaxson going on TV and telling metro Atlanta the secret, savory family recipe to the Blonsky Sandwich served up last summer in Turks and Caicos, where Nikki and her dad wound up arrested after an airport brawl with America's Next Top Model castoff Bianca Golden. What's the point, right? Nikki's swift boot into Golden's mother's crotch speaks for itself — both literally and spiritually, culminating today in the warm, united Blonsky front we sagely advised months ago:

"We are a very strong family, we love each other and nothing will ever tear us down,” Blonsky told People Saturday night. [...] "I don’t even need to defend myself. It’s pretty obvious that it was just a big scam.” [...]

"He's a strong man. He is my hero because he showed me that no matter what happens in life you can make it through," Blonsky says of her father.

True, he still faces assault charges back at the scene of the crime. But if his (allegedly) violent airport chair-commandeering technique alone can attract this much respect, imagine how much more resilient an influence he'll provide upon actually doing time. Even Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright could — and maybe should — learn a thing or two from this.

• Nikki Blonsky Says Airport Brawl Has Made Her Family Closer [People]

This is the happy realization today for two of Hollywood's most recently beleaguered actresses. First, TMZ reports that Heather Locklear has had her DUI case dismissed thanks to the help of mega lawyer Blair Berk, who also negotiated an 84-minute jail stay for Lindsay Lohan last year. Despite the fact that the actress was found to be under the influence of prescription drugs, the judge waved that little infraction away so that Locklear could plea no contest to reckless driving, which mandates three years of informal probation, a $700 fine, and a 12-hour drug education course. Sadly, all of Denise Richards's plotting has come to naught.

Also cleared of wrongdoing are Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and Top Model castoff Bianca Golden, whose Caribbean family blowout left more than a few egos and vaginas bruised. Both women have had the cases against them dropped, says Us. However, Blonsky's father still faces assault charges, on account of not being famous.

• Heather Locklear Dodges DUI Bullet [TMZ]

• Hairspray Star, ANTM Contestant Cleared of Assault Charges [Us]

So far we can all agree that each family's hard-earned Caribbean respite ended with a collision at the Providenciales International Airport, where the Blonskys were holding seats at the departure gate. The Goldens objected, and the B-list shit the the D-list fan:

Things took a nasty turn, she says, when she asked Bianca not to point her finger in her face. "That's when she stood up, pulled her arm all the way back and said, 'Fuck you, you white bitch.' And she closed her fist and punched me," says Blonsky.

And what of the epithets, crotch-kick and suckerpunch that Golden told Tyra Banks laid out her mother with a fractured skull? "Absolute lies," Blosnky insists. Right on cue, Inside Edition mere minutes ago speed-dialed Golden for her reply, which went about the way you'd expect, with a denial she ever punched Blonsky and the unequivocal confirmation, "I witnessed Nikki Blonsky take her foot and kick my mom in her lower abdomen." (The broadcast airs tonight, hooray.)

Of course, "Tracy Turnblad" was in fact "decked out" by someone in the Golden gang, if the videotaped play-by-play is to be believed. And for the "crotch" to suddenly become the "lower abdomen" (People reported it as the "groin," but a low blow is a low blow) implies a conspicuous change in Golden's story that will be duly noted by our own legal observers at Defamer HQ, not to mention the tropical island judge who will hear the case later this winter. We'll likely next pick this one up at that time, lest our scorecards' clutter inhibit the justice sure to come.

• Nikki Blonsky: Airport Brawl Left Me 'Destroyed' [People]

"My aunt had two babies in her arms, and she told my aunt, 'You can leave. You can go away,'" Bianca recalls. "I was really upset by that because my aunt and I are close."

When Bianca spoke up, Nikki turned to her and said, "'You need to mind your business. You don't know what’s going on.' She went off," the model says. "There was a lot of words exchanged. I got really defensive." [...]

"Before my mom could walk away from us, her father ... punched my mom," Bianca tells Banks. "He knocked her out. He hit my mom with such force she stumbled back, and when she stumbled back, the whole family got up and attacked my mom."

Bianca said Nikki then kicked her mother in the crotch.

"That's when my mom fell ... completely," Bianca says. "Both the families were arguing. It was like a scene out of a movie. Airport security finally came and separated everybody."

All the while, Bianca claims the Blonsky family were spewing racial epithets at them. "Her father and mother started saying, ‘They got rabies, they got rabies!'" says Bianca.

Again, the truth will come out in a laid-back Turks and Caicos court, probably one of those seaside numbers with a bartender named Pilar and stacks of complimentary towels. But even if Ma and Pa Blonsky were misheard attributing "rabies" instead of "babies" to Golden's aunt, we're fairly confident that a kick in our mom's vagina is not the kind of thing we're going to forget — especially when Mom reportedly goes to the hospital with "a broken nose, fractured skull and internal bleeding." There are any number of ways of interpreting it, of course — you can take the girl out of the Coldstone, but you can't take the stone-cold out of the girl, etc. etc. — but if we can't get these clans a deal to reboot Family Feud the way it was meant to be seen this millennium, then really, there are no winners here.

• Top Model Contestant: How Nikki Blonsky's Family Attacked Me [US]

Nikki, 19, was charged with actual bodily harm; her father was charged with grievous bodily harm, a source at the Turks and Caicos Weekly News tells Us. ... The woman was so badly hurt, the source adds, that she was flown off the island to Miami.

America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden — whose family resides on the island — was also involved in the brawl. It is unclear what role she played.

Nikki — who is now in a neck brace — went to court Friday morning, the source tells Us.

Our own eyewitnesses described the aftermath in vivid detail, allowing this exclusive artist's rendering of Blonsky's injuries. We wish her, her old man, Golden and all involved a healthy recovery and speedy trial — you have to know John Waters is writing this into Hairspray 2 as we speak.

• BREAKING NEWS: 'Hairspray''s Nikki Blonsky, Father Arrested [US]