15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

After taking center stage last week (where he belongs), babygay Kurt managed to make us cry real tears again this week. Now that he's a hero on the football team (cherish those locker room memories BGK) and come out to just about everyone, we hope that he will stop making us cry real tears. But probably not.

At least this week, he was touching and triumphant. That can't be said for all of the characters, plenty of whom were scheming for their own survival and plenty who were willing to do just about anything to keep their hopes and dreams alive.

Single Ladies: Though this was the first time we'd hear this song, it wasn't the last, and it became more and more public with each time we heard it, taking Babygay Kurt from the shame of his basement to the glory of the football field.

First, a shout out for Kurt's bedroom, which manages to look like a minimalist loft in a highrise in Hell's Kitchen while still being in his father's basement in Lima, Ohio. Way to design on a dime Kurt. He gets the girls over for a little "Single Ladies" YouTube video training, and gets caught by his father. To cover up his shame, Kurt further isolates himself in the closet by lying to his father and telling him that he's straight and on the football team. Dad seems skeptical. Um, duh.

Also in isolation is Quinn, who is pregnant and the president of the celibacy club. Oh, Quinn, you ignorant slut. She tells Finn that he impregnated her when his trick to imagine running over the mailman to keep from "arriving" too early doesn't work, and he makes a mess all over her in the hot tub. She has decided she's keeping the baby, but can't tell her parents—who we assume are conservative—or the rest of the school because, well, she's a giant hypocrite.

Just as Quinn's baby has her trapped, so does Terri's lack of a baby. She finally confesses to her hysterical sister about her hysterical pregnancy. Kendra tells Terri not to tell the truth but to keep lying. We knew we liked Kendra for a reason. Now, where to get a baby (taps index finger on chin)...?

Emma seems like she's in isolation, even though she's still dating Ken. The scowl of dissatisfaction on her face in the lunchroom was enough to make you want to wash your body down in Purell and give her a giant hug and tell her that everything would be spotless for the rest of her life.

Rachel also has to strike out on her own when Will gives Tina (that stuttering Asian girl has a name, and now we know it's Tina!) a West Side Story solo and Rachel revolts because has had a "close personal relationship with that role since the age of one." Another legacy from her gay daddies we're sure. She storms out of rehearsal, and later Will goes to talk some sense into her, but she isn't having it. Will says he wants to give everyone a chance to be a star, but Rachel is only worried about herself. She is drowning in her ambition. She's also not entirely wrong that Will resents her because he knows that he needs her but is sick of dealing with her insecurities and diva antics.

After the breakup of the Accafellas, Sandy is sitting alone in his room—in a red kimono no less—when Sue Motherfucking Sylvester comes to rescue him so that he'll ruin the Glee club. Of course, Sandy accepts and sets off on his quest to steal Rachel away from Glee with Liza Minelli and Celine Dion. Oh, the way the mind of an evil queen works.

"Taking Chances":
Rachel took a chance and tried out for the lead in the school musical which she got, of course. Since Will can no longer give her the spotlight she needs, she has thrown her hat in with Sandy. We just wonder, if they can't even get 12 people for Glee, how the hell are they going to get a full cast for a show of "Cabaret?" Is there a whole different troupe of Babygays that we haven't met yet? If there is, how long before they make Mercedes their queen?

Terri takes a big chance and tracks down Quinn, who initially tells this crazy lady to go screw, but then listens up when Terri tells her how to make her baby pretty. We know that Terri wants to play baby snatcher, and Quinn is probably hip to her bad intentions, but she's risking trusting this woman, because it's her only way out. It's not like her friends from the celibacy club are going to take her for sonograms and throw her a baby shower in the cafeteria after fifth period.

Quinn also risks her future happiness but letting Puck know that he is the father of her child. Though she never did the deed with Finn, she had sex with Puck because he "got [her] drunk on wine coolers and [she] was feeling fat that day." Puck has enough bravado to make people believe he's a big deal, but Quinn sees what he really is, a guy who is going to peak in high school. Instead of dealing with that, she sees more possibilities by lying to Finn and telling him he's the father. That way he can drag her around the country while he plays for a string of different football teams trying to make the pros. At least she got out of Lima!

Taking the biggest gamble is the football team, who needs to break their losing streak. First, they let Babygay Kurt step ball change his way onto the team as the kicker. Following the example of Walter Payton (the only thing I know about him is that he was once in a rap in a Wheaties commecial), they decide that some dancing instruction is in order. They get Mr. Shu and BG Kurt to teach them the "Single Ladies" moves. Apparently what they were already doing wasn't working, so why not something a little unorthodox?

"Tonight": When listening to this West Side Story number, the theme of the whole show finally dawned on us: it's about dreams. In the musical, the big medley—especially the parts by Maria and Tony—dream of an idealized future that is going to be set off by events that are just about to transpire. For the kids in highschool, they feel like their moment is now, and they must do something to open up the door to the great wide future.

Rachel needs to get famous so that people will stop torturing her, Kurt needs to come out so that he can move to Hell's Kitchen and get a minimalist apartment in a high rise and a boyfriend, Will needs to make Glee work so that he can feel like his life is worth something. It's about about making a dream come true.

For no one is this more evident than Quinn. When she tells Finn about the bun in her oven she sobs that she thought she was going to get out of tiny Lima, Ohio. You'd think that the most popular cheerleader in high school would be happy, but Quinn wants something more, and her little fetus sentences her to a life of house coats, soccer practice, and PTA meetings.

The same thing goes for Finn, who needs to go to college to get out of town and who needs to get a scholarship to go to college and needs the football team to win to get a scholarship. While he supports Quinn, he doesn't want the baby, or the losers on the offensive line, to tarnish his future.

Dreamy Puck wants to think of himself as someone whose future is so bright he has to wear shades, but he's really just a hot punk with a mohawk. He seems crushed by the revelation, probably crushed enough to do something rash down the road.

The most shocking dreamer, though, is Sue Motherfucking Sylvester. Even though she's achieved some success—and would like you believe that she's achieved even more—she still feels inadequate. That's why she got herself a spot on the local news spouting off about how Americans need to adopt the punishment of caning and how litter is a good thing because it keeps the garbage men employed and able to by tacos for their families. Some more gems from Sue. However, to keep her show and her dream alive, Cheerios needs to win nationals, which means she needs to squash Glee. The stakes for her are even higher, which means that she's a cornered dog. And when you have a bark and a bite as mean as Sue Sylvester's, everyone else at McKinley better watch the fuck out.

"Single Ladies," Take Two:
Starting in Kurt's basement, we've seen the dance go from being one about isolation to being about public performance. Kurt does it for the football team to "audition for the role of kicker" and now the football team does it in a Hail Mary pass to win their first game in a long time. It befuddles their opponents enough to get them a touchdown. Kurt repeats the song and kicks the winning extra point and is hoisted off to the steamy locker room scene of his dreams.

The confidence this gives our growing babygay helps him to come out to his father, who is begrudgingly supportive and the whole scene made us cry. Way to be who you are, Kurt. As far as TV coming out scenes go, this was one of our favorites, not only for being sweet, but also being pretty real. Even though dad knew the truth, he was still in denial until he heard the words, and even then it's going to take awhile for him to full accept it.

Also performing in public again are Will and Emma, who embrace when the football team wins. Why not save that for when you win regionals, Will? We all need something to look forward to, and once you two finally start doing it, it's all downhill from there. On a side note, Will, sex with a clean freak is never all that fun. If they're not willing to get dirty then, well, they're not willing to get dirty.

But leave it to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to close out the night with a great little speech about making something with your life. She says that performing in front of a cheering crowd is no different than doing a number for a bunch of hecklers and that if you only pretend like they're cheering one day they will be. There's no better sentiment for our desperate band of dancing monkeys than that.

Well, we're a little more civilized than that, but we're up for some spirited debate.

Moylan: As Guest of Guest points out, the whole things seems too good to be true, and too many people benefit. Everyone has sympathy for Swift, everyone loves Beyoncé (more), everyone thinks Kayne is (more of) a dick, and everyone is talking about MTV for the first time in a long time. Sure, it wasn't as obviously planned and Madonna kissing Britney Spears, but with a little bit of acting and canny planning, this is a publicity masterpiece.

Rushfield: Well that is the most half-baked argument I have ever heard. As any scientist or detective can tell you, motive alone is not enough to convict for a crime. Yes, MTV likes controversy, but their fake controversies in the past—eg. Bruno falling on Eminem—ham-handedly telegraph "this is a stunt" a mile off. Last night, you saw a moment of genuine awkwardness production-wise after Kanye took the mic when the booth seemed to stumble and be unsure about cutting away—not the hallmark of a pre-planned, pre-coreographed stunt.

Moylan: But why Swift so readily give up the mic? And how did Kanye get such easy access to the stage? I think it all started on the red carpet, where Kanye was conspicuously drinking from a bottle of booze and Beyoncé was talking up how she hoped that Swift would "get her moment" at the awards. It all just seems like foreshadowing for the unfortunate event. As for the production, well, WWE has been pulling stunts like this and making them look real(ish) for years.

Rushfield: Brian Moylan, your conspiratorial mind is seeing shadows everywhere. Why did she give up the mic so readily? First, she's a teenage girl, probably in a daze at the greatest moment of her life. Suddenly, there is Kanye West in her face grabbing her at hand, would you put up a fight? If that were me and I was a teenage Taylor I would just be shocked and think he was about to do some tribute to me or make a speech about Michael Jackson or something. The conspicuously drinking—well, its not the first time Kanye has done that either. Beyoncé wishing Taylor well does create a very neat circle, but a bit too neat to be planned.

If you were going to set this up as a stunt, would you really throw in a foreshadow like that? And why shouldn't she wish Taylor well. Just because your heart is filled with a hate for a young Southern girl who is the first non-tramp role model America's teenage girls have had in a decade, doesn't mean Beyoncé's heart is also made of coal. What needs to be examined here, Brian Moylan, is why you are so committed to locking the sunlight out of your life. To paraphrase Kelly Clarkson, in her letter to Kanye, What happened to you as a child Brian Moylan?

Moylan: It's not about what happened to me as a child, but what has happened to the celebrity industrial complex in my scant years on the planet. We have entered an age where every word that comes out of a celebrity's mouth, every outfit they wear, every Starbuck Mocha Frappachino they are photographed with by the paparazzi has prescripted, chosen, or placed. Every moment that we see in regards to the famous has been carefully planned out by professionals to make people money and to make all those teenage girls clamoring for a virgin queen like Taylor Swift buy more albums or her fragrance or House of Dereon jeans or Mocha Frappachinos. In a universe where everything is fake and for sale how can anything—from Kanye's outrage, to Taylor's sadness, to Beyoncé's righteousness—be genuine. Mr. Rushfield sees a magic bullet, but I see a man on the grassy knoll.

Rushfield: You make some important points and somewhat shame me in my wide-eyed innocence. But I think your argument is ultimately too cynical and not cynical enough. My basic rule of showbiz is that if things go perfectly, its by accident. Especially on a big live production, there are too many mix-ups, confusions and chaos for things to really fall into place like that. You are comparing it to the sparkling surface of Nivea ad on a bus bench, but in a live production environment, you never get anything that shiny. And besides, isn't it just a better world if you can just turn off your mind and just believe that last night a little blonde southern girl got the moment of her life ruined for her by a drunken hip-hop artist but then was saved by the Good Witch Beyoncé? Isn't that a happier place for us all to live?

In a bit of a surprise, singer Taylor Swift won the Best Female Video for her track "You Belong With Me." Sure, many of us aren't familiar with this 19-year old country girl's entertainment outputs, but that's really no excuse for Mr. West, a man so consumed by his own fame that he has no respect for fellow travelers in the starosphere, to take the mic and declare Beyonce and her silly "All The Single Ladies" video the real winner. "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," he declared, although that's wrong on more than one level.

Honestly, Kayne, you look like an asshole. More so than usual. This poor girl had a moment to shine and, as is apparent by her reaction, you stole that and ruined what should have been a proud moment. That's mean and childish and you should be publicly shamed. Oh, wait. Your own fame guarantees that. Good.

As for Beyonce. She looked somewhat appalled, albeit under the guise of self-conscious humility. Well done, Ms. Knowles. And especially well done for inviting Swift to the stage when you won the video of the year award. A bit of class in an otherwise ugly world.

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

James is apologizing for: dissing Beyoncé's inaugural rendition of her song "At Last," implying that someone should whup her ass, claiming that Barack Obama was not her president, etc. Hey, when you lay it all out end-to-end like that, it kinda does seem like a lot to apologize for—not that its attendant publicity blitz is any cause for remorse. James is now saying that those insults are just a product of her dry sense of humor:

"I didn't really mean anything," James said. "Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude. ... That's probably what went into it."

Still, James acknowledged being miffed she wasn't invited to perform her signature song for Obama's first dance with his wife on inauguration night.

James said she was "feeling left out of something that was basically mine, that I had done every time you look around."

She said she liked Beyoncé's performance, but when asked if she thought she could have done better, James answered, "I think so. That's a shame to say that."

But don't worry: she still will!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Etta James truly miffed about Obama snub, but was kidding about disliking Beyonce [NY Daily News]

(Click on any image to begin gallery)

Clearly it depends on whom you ask. By at least one person's standards Batman is already Turkish, and Hancock recently depicted cinema's first drunk, misanthropic superhero as a black dude living on the streets. Global audiences threw $624 million at Will Smith in the latter film, and according to Craig, may be color-blind enough to greet a black Bond with similar largesse:

"After Barack Obama's victory I think we might have reached the moment for a coloured 007. I think the role could easily be played by a black actor, because the character created by Ian Fleming in the '50s has undergone a great deal of evolution and continues to be updated."

Yes, he said "coloured," it's how they roll in the UK, calm down. Craig noted as well that the politically incorrect (at best) Fleming probably wouldn't approve were he alive — a qualification hardly as significant as whether or not viewers who voted in a black president would approve. And even that is an impossible dynamic to parse considering how — if we are the "changed" nation we say we are — Obama's victory owed more to economic and political factors (not to mention pure timing) than the color of his skin. Do we really think we've "reached the moment," or will we only know when the right black Bond comes along?

Beyonce's Wonder Woman scenario is simultaneously simple and more complex. Moviegoers and critics were decidedly stingy to Halle Berry's Catwoman, yielding only $82 million in 2004. Warner Bros., which released Catwoman and whose president Jeff Robinov drew fire last year after allegedly suggesting the studio was done with female leads, has Wonder Woman in limbo (along with Joel Silver) since Joss Whedon abandoned it last year.

So that settled it, we thought, until Beyoncé came along — appropriately Amazonian and looking for her next opportunity coming off her turn as Etta James in the forthcoming Cadillac Records.

"I want to do a superhero movie, and what would be better than Wonder Woman? It would be great. And it would be a very bold choice. A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing. It's time for that, right? [...]

"After doing these roles that were so emotional I was thinking to myself, 'OK, I need to be a superhero.' [...] Although, when you think about the psychology of the heroes in the films these days, they are still a lot of work, of course, and emotional. But there's also an action element that I would enjoy."

"It's time for that, right?" Is it? Seriously, we're asking: Is it time for an epochal presidential election to influence Hollywood casting? This town may have helped get Obama elected, but does it have the balls to prove it wasn't a fluke? And are women invited to the party?

• Discuss: Is the World Ready for a Black James Bond? [Cinematical]

• Beyoncé wants to lasso the role of Wonder Woman [Source]

Boomp3.com

At a press conference announcing the start of physical production on Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr. tried his best to get his co-star Rachel McAdams to crack a smile. Downey asked McAdams about the itsy bitsy spider’s journey down the waterspout and how the rain lightly came down on her arm, but still no smile. Not even a smirk. Then Downey Jr. started to softly sing a Beyonce song, but the Mean Girls star remained tight-lipped. As Downey began to search the deep recesses of his mind, he pulled out a fairly recent chestnut. Downey cleared his throat as his face twitched slightly then tilted his head to the side and asked, “Are you going to full retard with your performance? Or half retard?” McAdams’ smile appeared like a rainbow after heavy rainfall and Downey breathed a major sigh of relief.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet: Followers include ridiculously skin-and-bones supe Gisele Bundchen, weight loss master Robin Quivers and the muscular Madonna. The 21-day detox promises devotees to shed 21 pounds in that many days "by subsisting on live juices, enzymes - and regular colonics." Fun!

The Master Cleanser: Reportedly what Beyonce used in order to nab her Dreamgirls role, Vince Vaughn allegedly follows the lemon juice liquid diet, and Jared Leto shed his Chapter 27 weight by drinking the "water mixed with lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper" cocktail as well. Yum!

Dr. Joshi's Holistic Detox: Fans include the clavicle-flashing Gwyneth Paltrow, original waif Kate Moss and currently slim Ralph Fiennes. The main focus is avoiding acidic and toxic foods, but the downside hardly sounds worth it, and sort of explains Kate's moody expressions in photo after photo: "Users report headaches, stomach pains, nausea and fatigue." Even more fun!

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, FilmMagic]

• CELEB DETOX DIETS MAY PROVE HARD TO SWALLOW [NYDN]

I was at the (swanky New York City celebrity hotspot) Waverly Inn a few nights ago and you'll never guess who showed up - Beyonce ... Beyonce was sitting next to some White guy who kept saying to her 'Don't worry Etta, ignore it Etta.'"

While we're not entirely sure exactly who said "White guy" is or, for that matter, what prompted "White guy" to reassuringly address Beyonce by her character's name, we do know that Daniel Day-Lewis wasn't spotted traipsing around the booming New Mexico club scene when he was filming There Will Be Blood. We think it's admirable that B is showing such keen dedication to her craft both on and off-set, but something in us feels that this half-assed attempt to stay in character is closer to Paris Hilton's version of the Method than what Lee Strasberg would have taught. Then again, we're fairly certain that this anecdote will come in handy when Miss Knowles has her inevitable sitdown with James Lipton. Scrumtrilescence guaranteed.

[Photo Credit: Just Jared]

• Beyonce's Gone Bonkers [MediaTakeOut]
• Beyonce is Etta James — FIRST LOOK [Just Jared]

· At last, Beyoncé returns to the big screen, in Obsessed, a Screen Gems thriller loosely based on those gruesome Connect Four murders you probably remember reading about a few months back. [Variety]
· Someone named Gravy will play Notorious B.I.G. in the Fox Searchlight biopic Notorious. We've never heard of Gravy, but his name is Gravy, and that's really all we need to know. Well done, Fox Searchlight casting people! [Variety]
· Thanks to its American Idol lead-in, Fox's new drama New Amsterdam wins its Tuesday night time slot, the tale of a detective incapable of dying dovetailing nicely with an hour spent with the deceptively resilient Paula Abdul. [THR]

When I was in Europe I would play this game for hours and hours... it helped me zone out. Everybody would get envolved [sic]... Derrick Dudley (Common's manager) and Consequence were the best other than me... I beat Lexi... Don C beat Jay... Tony Williams beat Common... but every now and then people would speak of this legendary connect 4 champion........... BEYONCE!!! I had 2 play her!...so last night at Jay's new 40/40 club in Las Vegas (which is sidebar, crazy big w/ 24krt gold flooring, Black Jack tables, $500 slot machines,the biggest projection screen in the universe and the best turkey burgers I've ever had in my life) she beat me 9 times in a row! (and I didn't even spaz lol) here's a photo of the only game I won!

Happy new year everybody

Omg—did Kanye West just lol? Happy New Year, Kanye! Now we're craving a turkey burger in Vegas.

• THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT [kanyeuniversecity.com]

• Previously: Hollywood Hepatitis ScareWatch: A-List Directors At Risk! [Defamer]