1) Star Trek — $72.5 million
Yes, that intro was belabored. But Star Trek did do well, despite the wold's most important critic, me, finding it a bit underwhelming. While not matching or besting the awful Wolverine's numbers last weekend, Trek did manage to improve on its franchise's last best debut, First Contact's $30 million thirteen years ago, by more than double. Good work everyone! But mostly good work J.J. Abrams, who is basically made of gold at this point. People just love him. And people just love the movie. It got a rock solid A from CinemaScore, which ought to mean good word-of-mouth ticket sales in the weeks to come. Unlike...

2) Wolverine — $27 million
Nobody liked Wolverine. Not even Wolverine liked Wolverine. Jean Grey called it "middling" then enclosed herself in her mind bubble. Professor X awkwardly twiddled his thumbs and then slowly backed his magic wheelchair out of the room. Gambit explosively charged his cell phone and was all "Uh, I gotta get that..." and ran away. Jubilee didn't say anything because no one cares what Jubilee has to say. Cyclops chuckled softly to himself, his visor glowing the ruby red of satisfaction. Psylocke cut a hole in the wall with her telekinetic hand blade and slipped away into the night. And Beast quietly pooped in a corner, reading Chaucer. The movie dropped a steep 68% from last week, because nerds told other nerds who told sorta regular people who told the normals "wait for the DVD." This is bad news for everyone except for me, who is maliciously happy that Taylor Kitsch shan't be as big a star as some predicted.

3) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past — $10.4 million
Speaking of pooping in a corner, Matthew McConaughey's little ghostly romantic comedy about Jennifer Garner paying her Violet bills and Emma Stone trying to get famous and Michael Douglas doing a sad little softshoe while mumbling "see Kitty, I'm not old..." fared just aight in its second weekend. The Dudester can usually go bigger than this, but summer romantic counterprogramming really only works effectively when the lynchpin upon which the whole thing hinges hasn't been sun griddled down to a mostly useless mound of drawling tanned hide.

4) Obsessed — $6.6 million
Boncee, Boncee! She's still got it. Her thriller about killing white ladies while Stringer Bell watches, helplessly aroused, has thrown $56.2 million's worth of blonde bitches down the stairs in three weeks. Which is significant considering the movie only cost about $20 million to make. So expect Boncee to feature in some more thrillers, like The Hand that Rocks the Crib and a remake of A Stranger Among Us, about the Destiny's Child singer moving to Boca.

7) The Soloist — $3.6 million
Jamie Foxx sitting in a dark room, muttering to himself. Yes, that's the plot of the movie. But it's also what happened this weekend, when the actor wrote the AMC in Century City a check for $3.6 million, got some Butterfinger bites, and sat by his lonesome in the theater, trying to figure out what went wrong.

1) Obsessed — $28.5 million
Man this lady can do it all! Beyoncé, former Destiny's Child frontwoman, current bejangled pop music dancer, is now a bonafide movie actress. Sure she got good notices for Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records, but now she's got a box office hit, the credit for which falls almost entirely on her shoulders. I'm sure there are some devoted Idris Elba and Ali Larter (shudder) fans out there, and some weirdos have also been known to enjoy watching pretty ladies beat the shit out of each other (see: Anne Archer nominated for an Oscar for shooting Glenn Close), but mostly, we're betting, people responded to Beyoncé's press blitzkrieg. So I guess we can expect another thriller/actioner or two and then the harder-to-sell romantic comedy and then eventually she'll be squeaking around in a wheelchair, stricken with a palsy, as the year's previous winner, Anne Hathaway, introduces clips of the nominees.

2) 17 Again — $11.7 million
Proving to be a cultural phenomenon on a slightly smaller scale is young Zithery Efrinkle, whose comedy dropped a decent 51% in its second week. Expect another comedy or soft-touched dramedy or two before he picks up a pistol and tries to go gangster, a modern-day Baby Face Nelson, to follow that up with Gone to Cede, about a struggling, troubled Iraq war vet and the Oscar goes to, aw nuts, Ben Foster for Warhol.

3) Fighting — $11.4 million
The surprisingly decently-reviewed B-movie pulled out some pretty decent numbers, though they could have been higher if its title had been a little more straightforward. Channing Tatum is gaining more momentum in the buildup to his big starring bow in this summer's G.I. Joe: Half the Battle, about a bunch of guys in strange military outfits reading quietly in the library. It's also good news for whoever designed the laughably serious posters that have been plastered up all over town, because if the movie had flopped they'd look even sillier.

4) The Soloist — $9.7 million
This is a disappointment for Jamie Foxx, who once differently-abledly mugged his way to an Oscar, and now couldn't even crack the top three. It's also shitty for Robert Downey Jr. who has been riding a wave of goodwill and success since Iron Man came out and was good and stuff. Maybe director Joe Wright just doesn't understand swoony Americans the way he understands swoony Brits. Or maybe the studio moved the pic from its heady awards-season slot back in the wintertime to the doldrums of pre-Memorial Day because Beyoncé declared that she wanted to beat Jamie Foxx at the box office on one of his opening weekends, and you do not say no to Beyoncé, because at this point she can, and will, invade and occupy your house with impunity.

5) Earth — $8.6 million
Did you see on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday when Howard Dean was talking about the glaciers in the Himalayas melting and that in 15 years one billion people in Asia will be experiencing a massive water shortage? Again, in just fifteen years? Yeah, well. No one cares about the Earth. Help us, Beyoncé! You're our only hope. (Actually, that's not entirely true, this is the second-highest documentary debut ever, hopefully encourage the fledgling Disneynature to keep pretending that they care about the environment by repackaging BBC specials.)

James is apologizing for: dissing Beyoncé's inaugural rendition of her song "At Last," implying that someone should whup her ass, claiming that Barack Obama was not her president, etc. Hey, when you lay it all out end-to-end like that, it kinda does seem like a lot to apologize for—not that its attendant publicity blitz is any cause for remorse. James is now saying that those insults are just a product of her dry sense of humor:

"I didn't really mean anything," James said. "Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude. ... That's probably what went into it."

Still, James acknowledged being miffed she wasn't invited to perform her signature song for Obama's first dance with his wife on inauguration night.

James said she was "feeling left out of something that was basically mine, that I had done every time you look around."

She said she liked Beyoncé's performance, but when asked if she thought she could have done better, James answered, "I think so. That's a shame to say that."

But don't worry: she still will!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Etta James truly miffed about Obama snub, but was kidding about disliking Beyonce [NY Daily News]

James seems awfully sore that Beyonce got the Inauguration nod instead of her, and made no bones about that fact at a concert last week in Seattle. "I can't stand Beyoncé," she muttered to the audience. "She has no business standing up there singing that song." James also threatened violence toward the singer and claimed that Obama was "not my president," a Secret Service-tempting taunt that the audience, so ready to hoot at Beyoncé, knew less what to make of. Beware, Miss Knowles: when the full moon wanes, and a suddenly-itchy leather bustier signals your transformation from Sasha Fierce back into the terribly ordinary Beyoncé, Etta James will be ready to pounce!

• AUDIO-Etta James to Beyoncé: I'll Whoop Your Ass! [YouTube]

The Fake-Outs: Mid-2007, before Britney was deemed an American Tragedy, she was on her way by tragically dating the poor man's David Blaine, Criss Angel. And photos of her blonde-weaved sunglasses-at-night self wearing a sparkler set the Britney-hungry gossips ablaze, only to disappoint us when no marriage plans surfaced. Another Bimbo Summit alum, Lindsay Lohan, was rumored to be on the soberific path towards married life with then-beau Harry Morton in 2006 after showing up to a premiere purposely placing a ring-adorned hand on her hip. But we all know how that union turned out. And the most recent and admittedly exciting engagement rumors were sparked after photographs of Kate Hudson wearing a real-life wedding band surfaced just as gossip started spreading that she and Owen Wilson were back on. But a major "D'oh!" was heard loud and clear after realizing Kate was filming this flick called Bride Wars and merely in character.

The Real Things: Beyonce Knowles started wearing massive diamonds on all her fingers ever since she could afford them, but the one she wore this January while sitting next to Jay-Z at a concert ended up being the engagement variety after all. And just days after being photographed candidly in her car with a new rock, Jessica Alba confirmed her engagement to the confusing man of mystery that is Cash Warren. As for Mariah Carey, poor girl sparked engagement rumors by publicly showing off her ring from Nick Cannon, only to learn soon after the actual wedding that it was recycled. Oops.

[Photo Credits: Fametastic, Showbiz Spy, Female First, Babble, Stupid Celebrities, Hollyscoop, Daily Mail]

• NOW CAMERON DIAZ FUELS ENGAGEMENT RUMORS AS SHE FLASHES HUGE SPARKLER ON HER WEDDING FINGER [Daily Mail]

Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet: Followers include ridiculously skin-and-bones supe Gisele Bundchen, weight loss master Robin Quivers and the muscular Madonna. The 21-day detox promises devotees to shed 21 pounds in that many days "by subsisting on live juices, enzymes - and regular colonics." Fun!

The Master Cleanser: Reportedly what Beyonce used in order to nab her Dreamgirls role, Vince Vaughn allegedly follows the lemon juice liquid diet, and Jared Leto shed his Chapter 27 weight by drinking the "water mixed with lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper" cocktail as well. Yum!

Dr. Joshi's Holistic Detox: Fans include the clavicle-flashing Gwyneth Paltrow, original waif Kate Moss and currently slim Ralph Fiennes. The main focus is avoiding acidic and toxic foods, but the downside hardly sounds worth it, and sort of explains Kate's moody expressions in photo after photo: "Users report headaches, stomach pains, nausea and fatigue." Even more fun!

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, FilmMagic]

• CELEB DETOX DIETS MAY PROVE HARD TO SWALLOW [NYDN]

As People reports today, the abundance of J and B's friends descending on New York today would lead observers to subconsciously envision the couple's wedding list come to life. Former bandmates Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland apparently booked a hotel room in New York last night, and TMZ captured Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles there today, though suspiciously clad in all black. And as we can see from these photos taken of Jay-Z's building's rooftop in Tribeca, flowers and tents all signal signs of "I Do"s to come. But this is a couple who have repeatedly shot down marriage rumors in the past, despite continuous reports to the contrary. Do pictures of orchids and tents a rumor justify? You tell us how all these collective rumors and visuals sit before we jump to any conclusions.

[Photo Credits: Splash News, Wireimage]

• BEYONCE AND JAY-Z: WEDDING PREP UNDER WAY? [People]
• WE ARE SOOOOO NOT BUYING IT [TMZ]

And getting close to Beyoncé's life are what phones are all about. Who needs things like "good reception" and "no roaming fees" when you can have the exclusive gold and burgundy color scheme specially designed by the Bootylicious One herself? And the best part is, if you want a B'Phone, you'll have to head to your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, 'cause thats the only place that sells 'em.

• Beyonce Reveals New Samsung B-Phone [Billboard]