It's a devastating charge that stands to upend celebrity religion as we know it — more details and a brief analysis by the Defamer Legal Team follow after the jump.

We know, we know: Racketeering? Scientologists? But they seem so modest! Nevertheless, as we're learning today, it's not just the Catholics who allegedly have ethics-challenged leeches dangling from the flock's soft flesh:

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization [RICO] law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."

One of Letterese's beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, Effective Sales Closing Techniques, as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane.

A Scientology spokesman refutes all the claims, particularly the latter, which he said was already thrown out of another court. Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields, meanwhile, isn't talking on behalf of his client Cruise. We can't blame him, with previous CO$ scandals implicating Smith and Kirstie Alley both suggesting that the Scientologists aren't above calling in a hit when thetans get out of hand. Indeed, the whole thing sets up a scenario eerily reminiscent of the final shot of The Godfather, where a bellowing Cruise resists Katie Holmes inquiries before relenting for exactly one question about the reach of his nefarious religious dealings: "Is it true?" To which he responds with a blank-faced beat, a long stare beneath her severe bangs and, finally, the modulated, memorable reply: "You're being glib."

• Lawsuit goes after Tom Cruise, church [NYDN]

The LA Times's Carla Hall, meanwhile, has courtroom sketches:

Before the verdicts were read, Pellicano seemed at ease, grinning and scanning the room. But when he realized the jury had found him guilty, he crossed his arms, took his glasses off and looked around with a blank expression. A woman on the jury dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

We cried a little, too, for all the potential laid waste in this clusterfuck of justice: The potential for Anita Busch's comeback after Pellicano's dead-fish threat and wiretaps ended her career. The potential for Busch-destroyer Michael Ovitz to get a shovel in the back of the neck after slithering off the witness stand. The potential for the bottomless filth of Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields' testimony, which never came. The potential for "Mr. Pellicano," as he was forced to refer to himself as his own counsel, to just say, "Yeah, fuck it. Put me away; let's all go home." Or the potential for us to give half a shit this was even happening, day after drawn-out day, even under the threat of mistrial.

Pellicano is indeed going home — like "federal prison" home, up to 10 years' worth, we hear. He'd be 74 when he got out, with a few years left to enjoy the fruits of keeping his mouth shut: A couple well-scrubbed dollars trickling in now and then from grateful clients to whom he's anything but the footnote the rest of us will know. At the end of the day — especially today — we struggle to care but somehow wish there was more, as if it was all just about to get good.

Alas, the end is as good as it gets, when we can at last peel away the "alleged" and say yeah, the fucker did it. Finally. And good riddance.

[Photo Credit: LAT]

As Timesman David Halbfinger noted from court:

Mr. Pellicano said that "if I wanted to, I could basically authorize him" to have Mr. Russo "murdered on the way back from Las Vegas," Mr. Sender testified. "He would have someone follow him back, drive him off the road and bury his body somewhere in the desert." Mr. Sender said he had declined.

On cross-examination, Mr. Pellicano, acting as his own lawyer and speaking of himself in the third person, seemed more concerned with getting his own words right than with disputing Mr. Sender's account. He does not face any charges related to Mr. Sender's statements.

"Didn't Mr. Pellicano say, 'You've spent all this money, why don't you just whack him?' " Mr. Pellicano asked. "Didn't Mr. Pellicano say, 'If you feel so badly about it, why don't you just have him killed?' "

There were no misquotes or decontextualizations on the recordings of Sender and Pellicano's phone chats obtained by The Huffington Post, which feature Sender giving the PI a budget of $200,000 to "do whatever you feel will make this cocksucker as unhappy as possible. ... I'd like to make the fucking asshole as uncomfortable as possible." Sender ultimately recouped $25,000 after forking more than 10 times that much Fields's way. Russo, meanwhile, died last year after a protracted battle with cancer. So heavy! We never thought we'd say this, but wake us when Garry Shandling comes back.

• Offer of a Murder Surfaces at Wiretap Trial [NYT]
• Pellicano Trial Exclusive: Hear The Recordings Of Adam Sender [Huffington Post]

• Previously: Bert Fields Takes The Fifth! And Other Tales Of Pellicano Intrigue [Defamer]
• EXCLUSIVE! BERT FIELDS WILL TESTIFY (...And Won't Take The Fifth) [deadlinehollywooddaily.com]

· Anita Busch is the reporter whose snooping into the dealings of axe-shredding blackbelt and energy beverage purveyor Steven Segal she claims led to colorful threats on her life, and set Pellicano's house of cards a-tumbling. (Soon to be dramatized in Starz!'s gripping true-crime drama, The Car, The Fish, and The Rose.) In assessing the NY Times's recent Busch profile, Deadline Hollywood Daily insists there's no there there, rattling off a series of "inexplicably"s and missed opportunities that flew clear over our heads. Michael Ovitz's name is evoked, however, and that's never a good thing. (Seagal, meanwhile, vigorously maintains his innocence, and would like his career back now KTHXBAI.) [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
· The recorder becomes the recorded, as once again Pellicano's own audio tapes are used to bury him. Last time, it was when he pledged to his "honey" Chris Rock that he'd "blacken this [rapist-accusing] girl up for you left and right." This time, Pellicano was blasted throughout the courtroom telling attorney Peter Knect that his client, Bilal Baroody, owed Pellicano's client, Universal head Ron Meyer, $300,000, sweetly adding the sentiment, "His life is about to change exponentially unless he pays this money back." (What—no flowers or fish?) [HuffPo]
· Then, Rollerball producer Charles Roven took the stand. Another tape was played: "The jury heard Mr. Pellicano tell director John McTiernan...that he was in the middle of wiretapping Mr. Roven...Mr. Pellicano made a pitch to McTiernan, asking him to come help out and listen to the calls so he could figure out what was important in Mr. Roven's conversations. Mr. McTiernan replied that he was a bit too busy, but suggested sending his then girlfriend..." There's ltos more where that came from over at HuffPo. [HuffPo]

[Fields] criticised a passage in which Morton claims some "fanatical" Scientologists believed Suri Cruise was actually the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

Morton writes that Ms Holmes may feel she was in "the horror movie Rosemary's Baby, in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child".

Mr Fields said: "It's not being published in England. The American publishers criticised the libel laws in Britain because they require an author to tell the truth. Well, thank God for the British libel laws." [...]

Of the bizarre beliefs Morton ascribes to some Scientologists about Cruise's third wife, Katie Holmes, whom the actor married in a whirlwind romance, the author says, incredibly: "Some Sea Org fanatics even wondered if the actress had been impregnated with Hubbard's frozen sperm.

"In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie Rosemary's Baby, in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child."

Mr Fields described the passage as "sick and bizarre".

"It's a pack of lies," he said. "The book suggests Scientologists somehow run his career. I've represented him for over 20 years and I've never discussed his business with David Miscavige. It's poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise - it's an attack on Scientology."

Mercifully, Fields was content to dismiss the Suri story without issuing a detailed description of the lovemaking session between Cruise and Katie Holmes that led to their daughter's conception, trusting that the public neither wants nor needs a procreational play-by-play to accept the disturbing and surreal falsity of the Rosemary's Baby scenario. Additionally, the suggestion that the actor's career is steered by the Church seems ridiculous on its face, as even the least experienced Level VII Development Executive would have passed on both of Cruise's initial United Artists projects, Lions for Lambs and Valkyrie, preferring that the star crank out another far more lucrative, tithe-generating crowd-pleaser from the Mission: Impossible franchise instead of some talky political tract or historical drama about failed Nazi-hunters.

• Diana author names Tom Cruise as 'World Number Two in Scientology' [Daily Mail]

Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, told the Scoop that the allegations made by Barresi are "utterly, one hundred percent false" and "we can prove it." He adds, "If Mr. Barresi were to publish what we have seen on that Web site, I absolutely would recommend appropriate legal action against both Mr. Barresi and the publisher." Fields also says that he's "considering" steps to have the chapter removed from the Web site.

Seeing as the ball-stroking, singlet-sporting Cruise of Big Red's recollections doesn't exactly jibe with the proud father, husband-in-waiting, and late-to-the-party Redskins fanatic we've come to know over the past week, we are hardly surprised that Fields is willing to bring out the heavy artillery in shooting down this particular tell-all missile. Should initial efforts to remove the offending passages not prove effective, we imagine fearsome Fields will promptly move on to Plan B, initiating the first stages of a Constitutional amendment outlawing the false-gay-innuendo spreading scourge known as the internet altogether.

• Will Tom Cruise's legal team quash new book? [MSNBC.com]
• Hollywood Tell-All Book Exclusive: "Pellicano's Enforcer"- The Heterosexual Tom Cruise (and more) Scandal Chapter! [Hollywood Interrupted]

"We have no intent to sue Sumner Redstone over his pompous and inane statements about Tom Cruise's conduct as a reason for not re-signing him," Fields said by phone from his vacation home in France when asked whether a claim for defamation or other causes of action was in the works. "This is not something that will be solved in some court proceeding." [...]

"What's he talking about?" Fields said of Redstone. "Tom jumped up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch because he's wildly in love with Katie Holmes. He spoke out that people, especially children, shouldn't use mind-altering drugs. To say that's conduct that's unacceptable to Mr. Redstone? In the history of the film business, this will be remembered as the self-destruction of a movie mogul — he's either lost it all or he's getting very bad advice."

Fields, of course, is nothing if not a pragmatist willing to work both sides of an issue, and we imagine that now his trip to France has become a working vacation, he's drafting an ever-so-slightly altered version of his statement, just in case Redstone wants to retain him: "Tom jumped up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch because he's wildly pretending to be in love with Katie Holmes. He spoke out that sick people, especially children, shouldn't use mind-altering quality-of-life-improving drugs. To say that's Such conduct that's is unacceptable to Mr. Redstone?. In the history of the film business, this will be remembered as the self-destruction of a movie mogul star — he's either lost it all or he's getting very bad advice from his Scientology handlers."

• Fields: Cruise Won't Sue Over Paramount Departure [THR ESQ]

Dale F. Kinsella and Howard L. Weitzman are expected to take seven attorneys with them when they exit Greenberg, Glusker, Fields, Claman, Machtinger & Kinsella in mid-April, according to sources within the firm.

Greenberg Glusker declined to comment Thursday. Weitzman would say only that he, Kinsella and the others are considering the move

"If we do, it is because we want to go back to practicing in a smaller environment," Weitzman said in a statement, adding that the decision has nothing to do with the federal probe. "As I've said publicly before, I do not believe any Greenberg Glusker lawyer has acted inappropriately, nor do I think anyone from the firm will be so charged."

See, now don't you feel guilty about thinking of them as rats in thousand-dollar suits fleeing a sinking ship? They're just simple lawyerin' folk seeking a cozier, more intimate practice, a place where if you want to accidentally overhear something you're not supposed to, you just press an old-fashioned drinking glass to a door, not hire some guy with new-fangled electronic equipment to do it for you.

• Attorneys at Law Firm in Pellicano Case May Leave [LAT]
• Previously: The Anthony Pellicano Trial Of The Century: First Lawyer Indicted [Defamer]

Fields says: "This is a disgusting and malicious story.

"It is unequivocally false and I have already demanded a retraction. I will be sitting down with Tom in the next couple of days to discuss this story, and ultimately it's his call as to whether we bring a lawsuit. But if it was up to me, I would sue."

And if Fields convinces Cruise to sue Life & Style, we think that former Jerry Maguire co-star Cuba Gooding Jr. might be next on the legal shit list for the remark he made to BlackFilm.com:

You were in JERRY MCGUIRE. Do you still keep in touch with Tom Cruise? CGJ: I do.

What do you think of him and Katie as a couple?
CGJ: I heard they weren't a couple. Are they a couple or not? Good lawd. I showed him SHADOWBOXER.

You showed him SHADOWBOXER? What did he think of it?
CGJ: He loved it, he thought it was brilliant.

What gives? Does Cruise's onetime sidekick believe the "malicious fallacies" of Life & Style over his pal? We're more than a little disappointed that Tom apparently hasn't been calling up Cuba, overcome with the manic joy of impending fatherhood, and asked his buddy to scream "Show me the baby!" while the proud dad-to-be holds his cellphone against his fianc e's swollen belly. Maybe they can arrange that scene for Access Hollywood as an under-the-table settlement after Gooding gets his obligatory threatening phone call from Fields.

• Cruise may sue over split story [Ireland Online]
• Dirty: An Interview with Cuba Gooding Jr. [Black Film]
• Previously: The Official Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes Break-Up Denial [Defamer]
• Are Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Tearing Up Their Contract? [Defamer]

Imagine a white person in the Jim Crow South suing to counter rumors that he was hiding African-American ancestry, and the problem with such a claim becomes plain: The purpose of the claim is to restore the plaintiff to a prior, undeserved position of societal privilege, so he can avoid the maltreatment, racism — and if he is a racist himself, the shame — that he would otherwise suffer. The claim itself, then, rests on a malicious societal hierarchy.

The same is arguably true of a claim by a straight person that he has been falsely labeled as gay: Such a claim takes advantage of the courts so that one person can escape bias that others unfairly suffer.

It also caters to societal bias by saying, in effect, "Stop thinking less of me; I'm not really gay." But imagine, again, the parallel claim: "Stop thinking less of me, I'm not really African-American."

Even if someone decided to take this argument beyond the theoretical and accused Cruise of being African-American just to see if he'd sue (hey, South Park, want more free publicity?), we doubt they'd ever see a legal threat. After all, Cruise pals Will Smith and Jamie Foxx are doing pretty well for themselves, but the idea that he could wind up playing "Hotel Desk Clerk" like Eyes Wide Shut co-star Alan Cumming instead of the butch protagonist of the Mission:Impossible franchise keeps Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields number one on his speed dial.

• Could Tom Cruise Sue "South Park" For Suggesting He is Gay? And Even If He Could, Should He? [FindLaw]
• Tom Cruise South Park Episode A Lesson In Corporate Synergy [Defamer]

Those questioned include, to name a few, Kevin Huvane and Brian Lourd, two top partners at Creative Artists Agency, the dominant Hollywood talent agency; Michael S. Ovitz, the onetime president of the Walt Disney Company who previously headed Creative Artists; Ron Meyer, the president of Universal Studios and a former partner at Creative Artists, who was called before the grand jury to discuss his friendship with Mr. Pellicano; Brad Grey, the chairman of the Paramount Motion Pictures Group, who formerly headed Brillstein-Grey Entertainment; and Bert Fields, the entertainment lawyer, who has said he employed Mr. Pellicano countless times as an investigator but was not aware of any wiretapping.

Sure, Washington's scandal might "matter," but we think ours is much prettier, and in the end, that's what really matters. Who do you think George Clooney's going to want to play in a live, black-and-white CBS movie of the week, a grown man named "Scooter" or dashing studio head Brad Grey?

• Hollywood Waits to See Wiretapping Indictment [NY Times]

In August, when PAGE SIX started researching this story, we received a letter from Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields, noting:

"We have received word that you are planning a report that Steven Spielberg was upset with Tom about Tom's speaking out about his views on children's use of drugs . . . and that now they are not speaking to each other."

The letter stated: "Each of these statements is absolutely and demonstrably false. Steven is not upset with Tom . . . Tom and Steven remain close friends and are looking forward to working together again. The idea that they are not speaking is not only false but absurd. Actually Steven is shooting a movie in Budapest and Tom is shooting one [in the States]."

But maybe Fields should have talked to Spielberg before writing this letter.

Another source, a close friend of the director, said: "They will not be working together again and Steven will never call him his friend."

Spielberg's flack declined to comment to Page Six. But if this report is true, we fear that their relationship has been damaged beyond repair, and the days of Super Steve riding on the back of Tom Terrific's motorcycle, arms wrapped around the action star's waist as the two pals cheat death on the curves of Mulholland Drive, are gone forever. That is, of course, unless Cruise sends over some cupcakes.

• SPIELBERG IN CRUISE MELTDOWN [NY Post]
• Previously: Defamer Clarification: Tom Cruise Only Dressed As Dorothy Once [Defamer]
• Defamer Legal Dept.: Team Cruise Denies Humanizing Crisis Of Faith [Defamer]

In an industry known for hubris and artifice, Brittenham can be self-deprecating, using humor to disarm adversaries and diffuse tensions.

His Christmas cards, sent out by the hundreds each year, have become legendary. Designed by Brittenham's wife, actress Heather Thomas, they always make the balding, 5-foot-8-inch lawyer the brunt of the joke.

Last year's card showed what happened when Thomas, following the instructions in a book called "How to Have a Happy Marriage," let her husband pick the family's holiday vacation destination. The card opened to reveal the entire Brittenham family, shivering and scowling, huddled around its self-centered patriarch as he happily fished through a hole in the ice.

OK, maybe he's not particularly funny, but we already like him much better than Bert Fields. And nearly every guy in our seventh grade class had his wife's poster on their wall, so he's making up some points right there.

• He Reels In the Big Deals [LAT]

The picture of the child dressed as a dancer is not Mr. Cruise. It's his sister Cass. At nine, he once put on the costume in the other picture for a Halloween party. He did not go around dressed as a girl as your report suggests. [...]

Without waiving any of Mr. Cruise's rights or remedies with respect to your conduct to date, I must ask that you immediate [sic] cease any publication of those photographs and retract the suggestion that he regularly dressed as a girl.

Very truly yours,

Bertram Fields

We think that this was the offending sentence from our previous post: "The mind boggles at how many tense sessions grabbing the e-meter it took to chase off whatever troublesome body thetans were responsible for this potentially embarrassing chapter in his life." Either Team Cruise didn't actually read what we'd written (this hurts our feelings and drives us straight to the bottle of Paxil), or has less than charitably interpreted the word "chapter" to suggest that he "regularly dressed as a girl," refusing to acknowledge that this "chapter" could've comprised a single preadolescent holiday—nay, a single party—spent in gender-inappropriate costume. Even though we never suggested an ongoing predilection for women's clothing on the part of Mr. Cruise, we retract, we retract, we retract. He wore the costume only once, and we refuse to allow for the possibility that he donned it previously for fitting purposes, even at the peril that it might make his ass look too big.

• Defamer Legal Dept.: Team Cruise Denies Humanizing Crisis Of Faith [Defamer]
• Roasters Test Tom Cruise s Lawyer s Sense Of Humor [Defamer]