We can't tell if this is some attempt at a wink-wink "Modest Proposal"-type deal, or just the rantings of a communist, but the Huffington Post apparently thinks that Stephen Gyllenhaal's poorly constructed thoughts, like Jim Carrey's views on vaccines, are worthy of our attention because he fathered two very pretty people (he's like a reverse Meghan McCain). Gyllenhaal wants Madoff freed. Why?

It's just not fair. He's a scapegoat, a distraction on the world's financial stage where the real sleight-of-hand-Ponzi-magic goes on unabated. Two trillion dollars — give me a break — you think this is the end of it? It's only the tip of the real looming Ponzi-scheme-iceberg which Bernie only mirrored on a tiny scale and that we're gonna sooner or later titanically hit.

Gyllenhaal describes himself as a poet. He is not! Here's some more metaphor mash-up craziness:

But nobody in Washington is prepared to point out the Emperor's nakedness because they're all pretty much in each other's pockets (not a pretty thought when you consider they're all naked as well) and appropriately terrified that once the imaginary silk and satin confidence game is shown up for what it is there'll be hell to pay and I suspect hell, being what it is, ain't gonna be taken in by no Ponzi scheme.

What? How can people be in one anothers' pockets? Would one person be in one pocket, which would then be inside another person's pocket? While they are naked! While we're at it—how do you titanically hit something?

Gyllenhaal's bio says he is "unqualified to write for this blog except that, as a citizen of the US —hell, as a citizen of the planet— he has as much right to speak his mind as the next person." Having a right is not the same thing as a qualification, Stephen!

New York Magazine this morning heard from Bacon's publicist, who confirmed that the actor and his wife had money invested in Madoff's bogus funds that imploded with his arrest earlier this month. The rep would not elaborate on the nature or severity of the losses, instead advising reporters and readers alike to "not speculate or rely on hearsay."

Fair enough. Devastating as the news is, can we at least posit the silver lining of future work that may replenish their coffers? Stunt-casting roles for Bacon, perhaps, as the crusading preacher in Zac Efron's Footloose remake or a doomed camp counselor in the Friday the 13th revival? Sedgwick-starring spinoffs featuring her characters from Singles and Something to Talk About? A sequel to their 2006 collaboration Loverboy? All right, not that. Ideas?

• Madoff’s Latest Victims: Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick [NYM]