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Defamer PartyWatch: Assistant Beer Pong Tournament At El Guapo

Mark — Tue, 01 May 2007 20:57:55 EDT

When first we viewed these photos (obtained by trusty Intern Kate and a shutterbug sidekick) of Saturday night's Assistant Beer Pong Tournament at Melrose Ave. binge-drinking mecca El Guapo, the event seemed as drunkenly care-free as we'd expected, carrying on the proudly crapulent tradition of the throwdowns of the previous two years. But after learning that the cherished Beer Pong Trophy had been snatched before the champions from Team Gold Circle could rightfully claim it, these images now take on an added poignancy as reminders of a simpler, more innocent time, when people could connect by chugging cheap beer and screaming at each other across folding tables instead of a telephone line. Damn you, anonymous trophy-jacker, for tainting the desk-slave equivalent of the Super Bowl with your selfish disregard for something so pure.

Click on any of the thumbnails below to be taken to the gallery.

An Open Letter To The Beer Pong Trophy Kidnappers

Mark — Tue, 01 May 2007 14:15:31 EDT

We've been so overcome with worry ever since we learned that an anonymous fiend had kidnapped the Assistant Beer Pong Tournament trophy from under the noses of dozens of intoxicated revelers on Saturday night that we haven't been able to sleep, eat, or even drink ourselves into the typical stupor we use to cope with emotional trauma. Finally, however, we've been afforded a glimmer of hope that the trophy will find its way back to its rightful caretakers, as the event's organizers have issued this defiant (if Ransom-plagiarized) statement announcing their intention to turn the entire assistant underclass into a bloodthirsty legion of bounty hunters:

To the monster who stole our trophy,
The whole world now knows... my beer pong trophy was kidnapped, for ransom, two days ago. Trophy, if you're alive, we love you. And this... well, this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my trophy. Not one dime, not one penny.

Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So congratulations, you've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket... except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time. And to ensure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page ad in every major newspaper every Sunday... for as long as it takes. But... and this is your last chance... you return my trophy, intact, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck you can simply disappear. Understand... you will never see this money. Not one dollar. So you still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be.

We'll keep you updated on the progress of the negotiations as information becomes available. We just hope that this public posturing doesn't goad the kidnapper into doing something rash, like chopping off the trophy's ball and mailing it to the winning team to prove that he's serious about collecting his ransom.

Assistant Beer Pong Tourney Tainted By Hostage Situation [Defamer]

Assistant Beer Pong Tourney Tainted By Hostage Situation

Mark — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:13:06 EDT

For a third straight year, controversy has rocked the annual Assistant Beer Pong Tournament*, an ostensibly peaceful affair aimed at promoting unity with the local call-rolling community through the reliably combustible combination of friendly competition and binge-drinking. A little while ago, an anonymous e-mailer identified only as "Beer Pong" (what this fiend lacks in creativity he makes up in brazenness) informed us that he has "hijacked" the trophy earned by upstart Gold Circle on Saturday night when they defeated the evil minions of CAA (we're told their bosses forced them to undergo experimental surgery to equip them with secondary livers to ensure victory), a hostage that will be returned only after an undisclosed ransom is paid by the event's organizers. We pass along this photo of the kidnapping victim to assist in its speedy recovery; should you see the trophy on your assistant's desk and wonder why he's suspiciously short on details of the supposed heroics that brought him the championship, please contact the authorities immediately.

[*We should have photos for you tomorrow.]

Previously: BeerPongGate! Lionsgate Claims Snub, Issues Challenge! [Defamer]