1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

1.) Flash Dance
This week on So You Think You Can Dance?, some woman flashed her crotch, and Fox gave her a flesh-colored blur, leading these ABC News correspondents to wonder whether or not she was going commando.

2.) Barbara disses Mariah's boring story on The View.



The interview was preempted for the breaking news that Chicago did not get picked to host the Olympics. When The View returned, Mimi's dog appeared.

3.) This.

4.) Jesus wanted John Phillips to have sex with his daughter.
Because he knew it would help Chynna sell her new album.

5.) Tyra has a knack for discovering people who are really good at being assholes.

6.) Tyra also finally discovered Objectum Sexuals.

7.) Check out this hot ticket on Judge Judy.

8.) So not glitz.

9.) Kim doesn't like anything "cheesy" or "cheap."
So don't let the wig fool you.

10.) NeNe bitches out Lara Spencer.

1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

P.S.



P.P.S.

1.) Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Love. On the premiere episode this week, Paris eliminated a girl because Wayne Newton's tiger didn't like her. I miss her already. She was fun to watch.

Gif via FourFour

And she did good drawings.

2.) Paris was on The View, and Babs wasn't buying her whole "it's Pilates" act.

3.) Babs seems to to think that Paris Hilton and Paris Is Burning are one and the same. To be fair, it's an unsurpising mistake for some to make.

4.) Digging for gold, picking a winner.
A two-year old little boy purported to be an expert pool player was invited on The Yenta Hour of Today, where he picked his nose and ate his boogers.

5.) Why did she deliver her baby alone? Why is her baby not related to her? How did her baby die? Why is her baby alive? Why didn't she question anything!?

6.) "Betty White is a raging bitch."

7.) The magic behind Bridget's Sexiest Beaches is that watching Bridget Marquardt is like watching the joy of a toddler discovering the world, like how doorknobs work, or how food on a spoon is sometimes like an airplane flying into your mouth.

8.) That, and the cultural learning experience that comes with shopping abroad.

9.) Heidi Pratt is very much into Christianity. She strives to be like Mother Teresa, and thinks that material possessions are not important.

Unless, of course, it's dry shampoo.

10.) "I don't play well with others."

1.) Cougars!
Babs had a hard time saying it at first…

…but once she did, she liked how it sounded.

A lot.

2.) Sometimes soap opera dialogue sounds like that of a Russ Meyer movie.

3.) Talking about the weather, being judgmental about seat belt safety…Lauren Conrad is the definition of a square snot.

4.) Tyra is square snot².

5.) The Insider suggests the state intervene with Jon and Kate…because they are raising narcissists. Could you imagine the tax hike that would occur should indulgence be made a criteria of neglect/abuse?

6.) But that's business as usual for The Insider.

7.) Did Whoopi fuck Hugh Hefner?

8.) My mom was in The View audience this week. I could recognize her anywhere. Dollars to donuts I hear all about how freezing it was in the studio, and how rude Joy Behar is for not wanting to pose with her during a commercial break, the next time we speak. This is at least the sixth time in 11 years that's she's been an audience member on that show.

9.) How do you call monkeys?

10.) Janice Dickinson was on Finland's Next Top Model, and we posted about how she got wasted, fell down a flight of stairs, and then insulted the contestants by calling them "fucking dumb." However, she was totally blotto when she first arrived on set, acting like Miss Hannigan.

1.) I didn't get the time this week to talk about how insane Kelly Bensimon looks when she lets her hair down.

2.) Oprah interviewed a prostitute from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch this week, and when we posted about it, we left out O's most important question:

3.) Another day, I was watching Oprah, and paused it to go to the bathroom. When I got back, this was the face she was making, and I couldn't help but think she was dropping an S-shape of her own.

4.) Do you remember Daisy?

She was the girl that Bret didn't pick on Rock of Love 2. Now she has her own dating show on VH1, Daisy of Love, and this is how she said "hello" to her prospective boyfriends.

One contestant on her show described her pretty well: "She's like 5 foot tall, big fake boobs, blond hair, big lips…she's like my perfect girl."

5.) The Insider gave really sensitive coverage to that whole maybe-anorexic beauty queen thing. (Not.)

6.) Barbara Walters went on vacation with Cindy Adams and got waterboarded. Or so she says.

7.) There were two things I forgot to mention about ANTM this week. This:

And this:

8.) This speaks for itself:

9.) Heidi and Spencer are practicing birth control.

10.) The Lifetime Original Movie, Natallee Holloway, aired this week, and it didn't have a budget for publishing rights of Gwen Stefani songs. Also, it was established numerous times that Natallee was not a slut.

Lastly, I'll let Barbara Walters sign off for me:

The Jonas Brothers have about as much in common with the Oscars as Joe Jonas has in common with being a gentleman. He claims that he wears a purity ring to remind him not to do anything that wouldn't make his mom proud. Just tell that to 25-second-phone call dumpee Taylor Swift.

Anne Hathaway dug deep in her interview to find a way to describe her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger. He was so ... uh ... what's the word...

Mickey Rourke stayed in Oscar campaign mode and opened up on just how fucking much he wants that goddamn Oscar tonight. And he promises not to sexually molest the golden bald man.

All Walters wants to ask your song-y dance-y Oscar host Hugh Jackman is whether he's gay. But with a montage of his Broadway work opening the segment, she totally stacks the deck against him.

Jackman is willing to do anything to convince her that he's totally into women.

A little background, if you're blessedly unfamiliar: New York Post political cartoonist Sean Delonas has always been a bigoted idiot, but people are just now realizing it after Delonas authored a cartoon where a monkey is shot and killed for authoring the stimulus bill—an uncomfortable, fraught comparison to make when dealing with our first black president. This is something that could be understood by almost anyone—even Elisabeth Hasselbeck! However, Barbara (already bleary-eyed from watching back-to-back episodes of The Mentalist on her DVR last night) had an alternate explanation for the outrage: "Because it's a black monkey." Audience laughter and the confused interventions of her cohosts did not deter Walters from pressing her case until Sherri Shepherd finally thought, "What the hell?" and said, "If it was a white monkey, I still would be offended." We wouldn't! They're adorable.

• The View [ABC]

First, Shepherd told the tale of a sponsor-approved trip to Disneyland she took alongside her son and the cheating, not-yet-divorced husband she loathes (a definition of marriage plucked either from the Bible or The Lockhorns—we're not sure which). Her cohosts couldn't quite believe that Shepherd hadn't a) divorced his ass and b) told her son that they were separated yet. After all, sniffed a disapproving Walters, what would Shepherd say to her child when she began dating again? That's when the View's flat-earther said she would follow the example Barbara used with her own daughter: explain away all her late-night, gentlemen callers as a series of "uncles" with whom she has some decidedly nonfamilial familiarity. As a recoiling Walters bared her teeth, she hissed, "I was not married at the time [that I banged all those dudes, including a purring, tender Henry Kissinger]." No, but they were!

In other View news, somnolent guest Patricia Arquette revealed just how Sacha Baron Cohen crashed the Medium set for his upcoming film Bruno: he pretended to be Ben Silverman's cousin. Also, a flower bloomed on Elisabeth Hasselbeck's pirate shirt today. It's springtime!

• The View [ABC]

The object of her intimate interrogation was Patti Sanger, otherwise known as the featured Amazon of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. After Sanger repeatedly laid down her Rules-like guidelines for women—which include no sex before marriage—Walters utterly demolished Sanger by bringing up Sanger's own boyfriend (sitting awkwardly in the front row) and bullying the woman into revealing that actually, she was having pre-marital sex with him. A shonde! Perhaps Sanger had a certain oral loophole in mind—then again, on this panel, they'd have no idea what that was.

• The View [ABC]

And to Barbara Walters's dismay, his choice isn't her—no matter how any blandishments she lavished upon the actor after catching him in nothing but a tight t-shirt in his dressing room (inspiring fourgy dreams involving Michael Phelps and Simon Baker too graphic to be described here). No, the apple of Rourke's eye is our own Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who virtually clambers over Joy Behar after getting the "groupie go-ahead" from the Wrestler star. At least they'll have a lot to talk about.

• The View [ABC]

"This may not be the politically correct thing to say," Walters began, as a thousand bloggers perked up their ears. She then went on to praise the Obamas for providing the first positive image of a black family since The Cosby Show...which was not a family comprised of actually real people. Finally, after noting that Barack Obama is a high-profile corrective to the stereotype of straying black fathers (not that Babs has ever contributed to that statistic or anything), Shepherd spoke up to say that Walters needs to get out of her Park Ave. penthouse because the teevee characters are just that: on teevee. "Hmm," said a chastened Walters. "Is that why that delightful 'Urkel' never listens when I insist, 'But you did do that, Steven. You did do that!'"

• The View [ABC]

It all began when Barbara Walters brought up Bush's final press conference and dubbed it unusually introspective. This didn't sit quite right with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Bush BFF who invaded the Oval Office over the weekend, had a 15-minute conversation with the president about dog biscuits, and now feels qualified to pronounce Bush her replacement husband should Tim's remote ever linger too long on MSNBC.

Predictably, Joy Behar threw herself into the mix, and the resulting melee was a shouty clusterfuck that recalls the ladies' good ol' days. We led with the clip in which Hasselbeck compares Bush to Abraham Lincoln (!), but so much went on that we've provided a second, even more high-volume sampling. Enjoy!

• The View [ABC]

Relax: Hasselbeck still doesn't have the football or the nuclear codes. We think. Still, the White House visit (as recounted on today's episode of The View) was a worrisome reward for the conservative cohost; we can sympathize with Joy Behar, who gnawed on her inner cheek throughout Hasselbeck's story, then spat blood into her coffee mug during the commercial break. At least Hasselbeck's baby son seized the opportunity to attempt a headbutt that would knock the president out of commission. He is a secret liberal and will be thrown into Gitmo immediately.

As for this, we're pretending it never happened. For your health.

• The View [ABC]

Cognizant of the fact that they had landed a big fish, the ladies of The View were respectful to a fault today (even Barbara Walters!), though Elisabeth prefaced each and every question to Cruise with such slobbering, near-sexual praise you would have thought they'd dug up Ronald Reagan. Finally, forty minutes into the show, Walters brought her tear-inducing powers out of retirement and brought up the younger Travolta's death, quizzing Cruise on whether Scientologists actually eschew medicine. "It's actually the opposite," Cruise said, sketching out a scenario where church higher-ups tell Scientologists to go get their afflictions "handled." Consider that charge vaguely cleared up, then! Lisa Marie, your services are no longer necessary.

• The View [ABC]

We've spilled a lot of e-ink about how Walters has spent every single day in '09 coming up with new, increasingly overt ways to insult her cohosts, so imagine our delight when she said that her perennial New Year's resolution was to "be nicer" ("THAT'S your New Year's resolution?" said a dubious Sherri Shepherd). Walters then attempted to become visibly kinder on air, which in her mind meant contorting her face into a terrible, clown-like rictus and slamming her cohosts with even greater condescension and frequency (but while smiling!). The display is not for the faint of heart; please, we beg of you, do not watch this clip before bedtime.

• The View [ABC]