Here at Defamer, we've put on our Yenta hats to help Rourke weigh his (plentiful) options.

COURTNEY LOVE: If the British tabloids are to be believed (and we are praying to Jesus, Santa, and Barack Obama that they've nailed this particular story), Rourke has been secretly dating Courtney Love for the past three weeks. Obviously, this would be an amazing red carpet duo—just think of the money that could be saved on pre-ceremony, his-and-hers collagen injections!
Likeliness: 8. Love has been to the Oscar ceremony once before and she's not about to turn down her only shot to go again. Hold on with your wraithlike fingers and ride that misshapen pony to the Academy Awards, girl!

BAI LING: If there's anyone who could possibly outdo Love as Rourke's date, it's former fling Bai Ling. In fact, if there's anyone who could possibly outdo Bjork's infamous swan dress, it's Bai Ling. We're crossing our fingers that her potential Oscar frock of rubber bands, jelly bracelets, and nipple-covering sand dollars comes to fruition.
Likeliness: 6. Bai's early surge has seemed to fade. "Mickey is a powerful actor, I respect and enjoy his work and I am his big surportor [sic] and fan, he is going to win Oscar for sure," she recently wrote on her blog. In other words, it was an honor just to be nominated.

LOKI: Rourke's elderly chihuahua Loki has thus far been his most frequent red carpet companion.
Likeliness: 9. There's little that could tear Loki from Rourke's side—except that proven temptress Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD: What better promotion for The Wrestler than to bring costar/onscreen daughter/french-kissing partner Evan Rachel Wood as his date?
Likeliness: 3. "I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke," Wood recently said. Potential upside: maybe she was talking about this guy?

THE FRENCH FLASHER: If Rourke wants to strengthen The Wrestler's overseas profile, there's no better way than to squire the Parisian pixie who unexpectedly bared her breasts to him.
Likeliness: 4.We're holding out hope, if only to hear the red carpet fashionistas ask, "Who aren't you wearing?"

And to Barbara Walters's dismay, his choice isn't her—no matter how any blandishments she lavished upon the actor after catching him in nothing but a tight t-shirt in his dressing room (inspiring fourgy dreams involving Michael Phelps and Simon Baker too graphic to be described here). No, the apple of Rourke's eye is our own Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who virtually clambers over Joy Behar after getting the "groupie go-ahead" from the Wrestler star. At least they'll have a lot to talk about.

• The View [ABC]

Page Six reports that Rourke was at the Chateau Marmont the other night with Sean Penn (guess they made up!) when he was accosted by Ms. Bai, who beelined toward the actor's melty mug like a moth to a flame made of fame. Then, says the paper, they "made out and partied pretty hard." Aside from the fact that Rourke is a dog person and Bai is devoted to her cat Qiji, we think this is a match made in celebrity heaven. If this doesn't last until Bai crashes the Academy Awards red carpet, we're throwing our votes to Frank Langella.

Still, the rumors about the pair prompted us to seek visual confirmation at Bai's blog (newly retitled "Naked Seduction 永恒的诱惑" for 2009, and why not), and that's where we stumbled upon rival suitors. Sure, there was a picture of Rourke and Bai together, but the camera-hopping starlet showed off equally scorching chemistry this past week with the eclectic group of Ralph Fiennes, John Legend, and American Idol winner David Cook. This can only be settled with a massive, stapler-wielding tag team match at the Red Bank Y. Better start juicing, Fiennes!

• Beautiful weekend colored my space...... [Naked Seduction 永恒的诱惑]

Not only does Ling have a wild river and a lake bursting with emotions inside her, but she's armed with a message to "the World" as well:

"Life happens to you either you liked it or not, sometimes I feel you have to be so brave to stand in front of the World, and just hope that people will have a tender heart toward you."

• BAI LING'S 'HEART FEELING SAD' AFTER ARREST [Us]

• Bai Ling's Sultry Mugshot [TMZ]

• Previously: Jamie Foxx Feels The Love At His Walk of Fame Ceremony [Defamer]

Things on the set are getting pretty tense today. Victoria Gotti is giving "comedian" and guest judge "Ant" the major stink eye, to the point where he needs to be "escorted" around the set by show staff. Meanwhile, a BRILLIANT cat fight is on the verge of happening between Morgan Fairchild and Bai Ling. The two have made it VERY clear during rehearsals that they don't care for each other - with Bai Ling almost lighting Morgan's hair on fire during thursday's rehearsal.

We give Ant another week before a PA finds him in his dressing room suspended from the ceiling fan with his nuts stuffed down his throat. As for the Fairchild-Ling Smackdown Inferno, may we suggest to VH1 that they dropkick the Celebreality Idol-knockoff douchebaggery and instead stick these two in a steel cage with a selection of blow torches, cordless power tools and a couple Battlebots (in a perfect world, Diesector and BioHazard, but we're flexible)? Come to think of it, they can even keep the singing part. It can only add to the carnage.

• Previously: Short Ends: Celebrities Shattering Eardrums [Defamer]