He can die in hell. I hate these people – they suck. A, he don't know me, couldn't pick me out of a line-up. B, I'm chasing windmills. Well, I'd rather chase windmills than steal other people's ideas. It's lame. I can't believe Nic Cage is trying to play that part. I mean, if the kid needed the money... It's like Harvey Keitel said, “If the guy needed the money, if he came to us and said, 'My career's on the rocks,' I'd cut him a break.” But to take $2 million – I mean, our film didn't cost half of $2 million. That film was made on blood and guts, man. So I really wish it didn't upset me as much as it does. [...]

Nobody asked us to do it. Nobody approached us and said, “Would you do it?” Give us $8 million, we'll come up with something. They give me twenty grand and say, “Go fuck yourself.” Gimme a break! They aren't paying Harvey anything, they aren't paying him two cents. [Producer] Ed Pressman sucks cock in hell, period. You can print that.

Done and done. And though we're not too sure about Cage "needing the money" (Bangkok Dangerous notwithstanding), expect Herzog to answer to the charges some time later this week, carefully enunciating his surprise at Ferrara's bitterness and echoing that existential baffler that so plagues his younger, Shatner-defying peers: "How did this become my life?" Our guess: It's a furious Klaus Kinski lashing out against his complacency from the great beyond. Just a theory.

• Abel Ferrara, 'Mary' [Source]

· Val Kilmer, Fairuza Balk, Jennifer Coolidge, Vondie Curtis Hall, Shawn Hatosy, Denzel Whitaker and Xzibit join Nicolas Cage in Werner Herzog's remake reimagining updating sequel-with-none-of-the-original-characters to Abel "Who?" Ferrera's Bad Lieutenant. [THR]
· Strike.tv is a new original-content site that launches this summer. Its first three months of profits are earmarked for the Entertainment Assistance Program of the Actor's Fund, which "helps anybody in the entertainment community in need of assistance." [THR]
· Physical album sales are down 11% from last year, and digital sales are up. A flowers, candles, and teddy bear memorial has begun to form outside Amoeba. [Variety]

It only looks like more than our standard Five Questions after the jump, but with Herzog jumping on our dropped jaws on more than one occasion, we admit we lost count.

So, yes or no: Is Bad Lieutenant a project you're working on with Nicolas Cage?

Yes, but its not a remake. It's like, for example, you wouldn't call a new James Bond movie a remake of the previous one — although the name of the bad lieutenant is a different one, and the story is completely different. It's very interesting because Nicolas Cage really wants to work with me, and just anticipating working with an actor of his caliber is just wonderful.

Why this project, though? You could have worked on anything.

There's an interesting screenplay; it's a very, very dark story. It's great because it seems to reflect a side of the collective psyche — sometimes there are just good times for film noir. They don't come out of nowhere. There was some sort of a mysterious context with the understanding of people in that particular time. And it's going to be in New Orleans, which is a fascinating place. Part of it was the decision of the producers for tax incentives — which is totally legitimate. However, I thought to myself: "We have seen a lot of New York in movies; we have not seen New Orleans in feature films." Or very few feature films. After Katrina it's a particularly interesting set-up. The neglect and politics after the hurricane struck are something quite amazing. It has to do with public morality.

Speaking of which, the original film's director, Abel Ferrara, has vowed to fight this project, and —

Wonderful, yes! Let him fight! He thinks I'm doing a remake.

Have you talked to him?

No. I have no idea who Abel Ferrara is. But let him fight the windmills, like Don Quixote.

Have you heard his comments at all? He says he hopes "these people die in Hell."

That's beautiful!

Do you relate to that passion?

No, because it's like theater thunder. It's like being backstage in the 19th century, with the machines that make thunder. It has nothing do with with his film. But let him rave and rant; it's good music in the background.

You did a remake before with Nosferatu, but —

It was not so much a remake as an homage to Murnau. But I don't feel like doing an homage to Abel Ferrara because I don't know what he did — I've never seen a film by him. I have no idea who he is. Is he Italian? Is he French? Who is he?

Oh, come on.

Maybe I could invite him to act in a movie! Except I don't know what he looks like.

First, Ferrara tagged a comment about the remake on to his answer to a question about working outside the Hollywood system. "As far as remakes go, Harvey [Weinstein? Not mentioned ... in connection to the project. Keitel, who starred in the original? Hmmmm....] begged me not to say anything mean, or stupid. [pause] But I wish these people die in Hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up."

Later, a different journalist mentioned the remake in the run-up to answering a different question, and Ferrara interrupted.

"It hasn't been remade yet."

"But it will be," the reporter said.

Ferrara shook his head before putting it in his hands. "Don't count on it."

Come to think of it, we don't know why we originally thought Ferrara ever might have blessed such a random-ass duo reimagining his NC-17 baby for anyone, let alone a mass market. Though it's altogether possible that one glimpse at the new Lieutenant poster unveiled last week at Cannes — with everyone's name on it but Ferrara's and the words "From the star of National Treasure and Ghost Rider" reportedly removed at the last second — may have been the garish, godawful tipping point the aggrieved director was waiting for. Either way, this is fallout we can't wait to witness — anything to relieve these nightmares.

• Bad Lieutenant Remake: Abel Ferrara Says, 'Don't Count On It.' [Spout Blog]

So imagine our shock, surprise and revulsion this morning as our bleary eyes first browsed Variety:

Nicolas Cage will star in an updated version of 1992's Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog directing, Edward R. Pressman producing and Avi Lerner's Nu Image/Millennium Films financing.

Project, also called Bad Lieutenant, is due to be announced at Cannes. Production will start in late summer.

You cannot — or perhaps should not — make this stuff up. Either way, as God is our witness, we will never... drink... again.

• Nic Cage to star in 'Bad Lieutenant' [Variety]

Back in 1994 when Bruce Willis was still with Demi and still managed to maintain that sexy tough guy image, he revealed the full monty in Color Of Night. And the industry's most dedicated fan of showing off his package, Ewan McGregor, memorably lounged naked throughout several scenes in Young Adam. And we all remember the time from a chiseled Kevin Bacon subtly proved to the world how lucky Kyra Sedgwick is via steamy shower scene in Wild Things.

Before Ewan McGregor, Harvey Keitel was Hollywood's go-to full-frontal actor, stripping down for both Bad Lieutenant and The Piano. But our all-time favorite appearance by a male actor's schlong has to go to Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights. Yes, it was a hefty prosthetic, and no, we don't learn just how much junk Marky Mark is packing, but the highly anticipated revelation of Dirk Diggler's legendary package was worth waiting two porn-y hours for back in 1997.

[Photo credits: Entertainment Weekly, Celebritycandids.com, nudemalestars.com, Maxim, malecelebrities.biz]

• 'FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL' LETS IT ALL HANG OUT [LAT]