Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

We distilled an episode of The Hills into 10 three-panel strips. That's two weeks' worth of contents on the funny pages! This is what it would look like.

Kristin and Brody Reminisce
Setting: The patio of a restaurant for brunch. They both look like they just spent the night rolling around in bed.
Panel One:
Kristin: Remember when we were together?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: We should do that again.

Heidi in Therapy
Setting: The office of Dr. Jordana Mosbacher, Heidi lying down on a psychologist's couch with her wrist on her forehead.
Panel One:
Heidi: Doctor, I don't know what to do. I want babies so bad, but my husband doesn't want them. I think I'm just going to stop using birth control pills and surprise him.
Panel Two:
Dr. Jordana Mosbacher: The decision has to be a rational one, not a hormonal or emotional decision.
Panel Three:
Heidi: Oh doctor, when have you ever known me to make a hormonal or emotional decision?

Brody and his Bros
Setting: A gritty, poorly lit pool hall. Three men huddled around a table.
Panel One:
Brody Bro: Hey man, I heard that Jayde and Kristin got in a killer fight over you.
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, Bro.
Panel Three:
Brody Bro: That rules.

Kristin and Jayde
Setting: A swaky restaurant. Both women have drinks. Jayde should be swirling a martini glass with one eyebrow on her plastic face permanently arched.
Panel One:
Jayde: I know you don't want to be here and I don't want to be here.
Kristin: Why are we fighting? You and Brody broke up.
Panel Two:
Jayde: Everything was fine before you showed up! You steal everyone's boyfriends.
Panel Three:
Kristin: You're a bitch.

Kristin and Lo at Lunch
Setting: The patio of a nondescript restaurant that looks like every other restaurant where they film patio scenes.
Panel One:
Kristin: Hi, Lo. It's nice to meet you.
Panel Two:
Lo: Yeah, the producers told me we're supposed to be friends now. What's happening?
Panel Three:
Kristin: Jayde and I got in a fight.
Lo: DISH!

Audrina Thinks Heidi Is Nuts
Setting: The same patio where they just filmed Kristin and Lo, later the same day.
Panel One:
Heidi: I'm going to stop using birth control and then romance Spencer with dinner and candles so he'll knock me up.
Panel Two:
Audrina (covering her face): Heidi, that is a really, really bad idea. I mean, even I think that's a bad idea.
Panel Three:
Heidi: No way. I always get what I want.

Brody and Jayde: The Reunion Special
Setting: The inside of a restaurant. Again, Jayde is swirling a martini and has a permanently arched eyebrow.
Panel One:
Jayde: I love you, but you're a jerk. Will you stop being a jerk?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Jayde: Yay, we're back together. Now you have to tell Kristin.
Broday: Yeah, bro.

Brody Breaks the News
Setting: Yet another restaurant. Don't these people have houses? Kristin is all dressed up for no apparent reason, but looking really good. Like most comic strip boyfriends, Brody is wearing the exact same T-shirt we always see him in.
Panel One:
Kristin : I think we have a really good thing together. I want it to be like old times.
Panel Two:
Brody: No, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: How dare you! Are you getting back together with Jayde?
Brody: Yeah, bro.

Heidi Tries to Get a Bun in Her Oven
Setting: The kitchen of Heidi and Spencer's glass coffin. Heidi is wearing an A-line dress and an apron. She is pulling a steaming turkey out of the oven, and kicking the door closed with one foot.
Panel One:
Heidi: Honey, I cooked dinner and made candles.
Panel Two:
Spencer: What the fuck is going on? Are you possessed?
Panel Three:
Heidi: No, I love you. Are you ready for dessert, and by dessert I mean sex.

Kristin and Stacie Make a Getaway
Setting: Back at the apartment, which is messy, strewn with clothes, crap, and empty martini glasses. For some strange reason, there is a bamboo gate at the foot of the stairs.
Panel One:
Kristin: Brody sucks, he got back together with Jayde.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Two:
Kristin: Justin sucks too. Listen, he's crying on my voicemail.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Three:
Kristin: What should I do?
Stacie: VEGAS!

Twitter has been around for years already, but at last Hollywood has completed its exploitation project.
The Wrap reports that one brave company has now led the charge for celebrities wishing to sell their 140 characters. They write:

Kim Kardashian, Joel McHale, Dr. Drew, Nicole Richie and husband Joel Madden and Audrina Patridge from "The Hills" are just a few of the names who have endorsement deals for their Twitter accounts.

The celebs are signing onto a new viral marketing strategy set up by the Los Angeles-based ad agency Ad.ly, which brokers relationships with the advertisers.

Currently, Ad.ly has lined up international companies such as Sony Pictures, NBC, Universal, Microsoft and Nestle for the new platform.

Lest you think this is just another example of the celebrity oligarchy shoving its will down the public's throat, the twitter-selling network is only to all interested parties who register on ad.ly's site.

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

It is not a sex tape of him with ex-girlfriend Audrina Patridge or current girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, but the video is some strange footage of Holly Montag drunkenly dancing at an art opening. That's almost as good. But the real scandal will come from the contents of his text message mailbox.

From Lo: That she's over you. I told you shaving the beard wasn't enough.
To Lo: Whatever, I'll show that bitch.

To Kristin: Lo says you say that you're over me. What gives?
To Kristin: Are you going to text me back? Hello! Just because you're in Laguna Beach doesn't mean you don't have to respond.
To Kristin: Fine, don't text back. I bet you're talking to your dad about me right now. He probably doesn't even care about me or Brody or Jayde or any of this.
To Kristin: Your dad blows. He's not a real Italian unless he has it tattooed on his chest. Tell him that!

From Spencer: Dude, Holly is wasted again. I told you you should have come to this party. Now she's dancing like a fool.
To Spencer: Haha. That's awesome. I'm on my way. I need a video of this.

To Holly: Hey, you drunk bitch, I'm gonna come take a video of you dancing drunk.
From Holly. U Betr not. And im nots a drnk bbitch. Fyck yoo.

To Kristin: Why haven't you texted back. That's it, I'm coming to your house.
From Kristin: Please, don't come to my house.
To Kristin: Too late, I'm there already. I just let myself in. I'm cooking.
From Kristin: I bet you're cooking Italian. Haha. Are you really there cooking? That's creepy.
To Kristin: Looks like you're going to have to show up and find out.

To Audrina: I've been thinking about you.
From Audrina: Please stop. I'm out on a date.
To Audrina: With who? I'm going to come and find that dude and kill him. He's not as cool as me.
To Audrina: Does he have a motorcycle?
To Audrina: Or an Italia tattoo? Didn't think so.
From Audrina: Shut up, Justin.

To Derrick: Dude, Audrina's dating some other guy. I'm gonna find that dude and kick his ass. You gonna have my back.
From Derrick: Maybe you should be a little nicer to the guy. You're done with Audrina, right?
To Derrick: Yeah man, but not really. And I can't believe some guy thinks he's as cool as I am. I bet she's saying all these lies about me, like I steal CDs and stuff.
From Derrick: I bet it's not like that, man.
From Derrick: OK, she was out with me.
To Derrick: Haha. Don't lie just to calm me down.
From Derrick: No, I'm serious, it was me.
To Derrick: That is fucked up man. I'm glad I wasn't serious about kicking some guys ass, cause I could totally take you.
From Derrick: So, does that mean it's not cool to date your friend's ex?

From Specner: Hey man, want to come to Holly's intervention with me and Heidi?
To Spencer: Nah, that sounds boring.
From Spencer: No way, it's gonna be awesome. I bet as soon as she sits down, she orders a drink.
To Spencer: I'm totally selling that footage of her drunk I have on my phone.
From Spencer: You should. That shit is funny.
To Spencer: So, are you there? What happened?
From Spencer: She said she's gonna quit booze.
To Spencer: Yeah, right.
From Spencer: I know man, this is gonna be awesome. But maybe this will keep Heidi from bugging me about having kids for awhile.

To Kristin: I'm glad you forgave me last night for not going to Brody's party. I'm just jealous of you and Brody.
From Kristin: Well, I'm on my way over there now.
To Kristin: Even though I don't want a girlfriend, you can't bone him.
From Kristin: We're just friends, Justin. And you're not my boyfriend, you can't tell me what to do.
To Kristin: That's it, I'm texting Audrina.

To Audrina: Where are you?
From Audrina: I'm sitting on the deserted roof of a hotel surrounded by fairy lights. It's a completely natural setting. Where are you?
To Audrina: I'm on my way over.
From Audrina: Why? What do you have to say?
To Audrina: I don't know what to feel or say.
To Audrina: There is nothing better than Audrina Patridge.
From Audrina: OK, I'll see you soon. But if you smell like Kristin, I'm leaving.
To Audrina: Nah, baby, it's not like that. If I wanted a girlfriend, I would totally love you.

To Kristin: Haha. I'm hanging out with Audrina. How's Brody now?
From Kristin: Jesus, Justin. Grow up.

Dear Diary,
I woke up at about one today because Kristin was banging on my door with three cameras and two ladies in tight jeans with clipboards. They all wanted me to go shopping at The Hustler store. It must be really hard for Kristin to be so famous in Canada that people are following her around all the time. I wouldn't want to have all those cameras on me.

Anyway, we go to the store and we play with some sex toys, but we're really looking for a present for Kristin's ex boyfriend Brody. I totally tried to sleep with Brody once, when Kristin was back in Canada getting famous. I kept giving him free shots of Patron hoping that he would tell me how pretty I was, and then when he was really wasted we kind of made out a little bit, but it was all fun. Then he told me that he can't date a girl with a job, because he has needs. Then he met this girl named Jayde. I don't know how I know that her name is spelled with a Y in the middle, but she just seems like she would, you know.

Because it's during the day, I get invited to Brody's birthday party. It's very exciting and there are lots of girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines. It's just like the bar where I work. And then all these girls like Stephanie and Lo are there and they are asking me to get them drinks. Can't they tell the difference between when I'm at work and when I'm not? God, I only wear a bikini at work and a one piece when I'm out with my friends. It's not that hard to tell the difference.

Everyone keeps asking Kristin where "her man" is, and by that I think they mean Justin Twonames, because it would be kind of weird to take her dad to a birthday party. Even though Justin Twonames isn't showing up, Kristin is telling everyone she's dating him. I tried to date Justin Twonames once, and he came over and surfed while I lounged on the beach and watched him. And then he came up and shot water all over me from a hose and I jumped up in down in my bikini, even though I wasn't working. But then I realized he had a huge tattoo that said "Italia" across his chest and I was like, awesome, and then I told him that I wanted to get tattoos of stars on my toes, and he thought that was stupid. Wait. That didn't happen to me, it happened to Kristin. But she told me about it.

After the birthday party, I totally called the bar and told them I wasn't coming in because Kristin was having an afterparty for Brody at her house. At first, no one was there, and Kristin and I were hanging out and I was telling her all about the exact science behind mixing drinks. I told her that I was thinking of creating, like, a school where we could train bar scientists, but I call them mixologists, because that sounds way more official. Well, Brody showed up and said that he got in a big fight with Jayde about whether or not to go to the party. Luckily we didn't have to hear that much about the fight, because it sounds boring. I just want to do more shots. Hey, Diary, do you want a shot? Cheers!

The next morning, I woke up on the couch in my bikini, which probably means that all the boys got me drunk and convinced me to make drinks for them. Gosh, why is it that all they think I'm going for is making cocktails? Well, I do make a mean cocktail, so I poured out the liquid from all of the half-full containers into a cocktail glass and used some science and it became a Cosmo. See, if your glass is half-full you can make it full-full and drink before noon. Being a "Mixologist" is great!

But sometimes I get jealous of those girls that don't have to work. It must be nice to be Heidi and stay home all day and think about new ways to pester Spencer into having babies. You know, that is really going to work. I almost convinced Spencer to father my baby once. I was all "I'm going to keep inviting the neighbor kid over until you knock me up" and he was like "Ok, but I'm totally going to torture him." That's totally cool, cause I'll do all the parenting. But the pregnant part I can't do alone. We both have to pee on that stick or it won't have two blue lines which means that I'm gonna have his baby. Then Spencer took me out to dinner and he was wearing this stupid cowboy hat and I was like "Sorry, I don't want my baby to be born with hat head," so I dumped him and got a job working at the very bar where we were talking. And I've been a working girl ever since.

No one wants to hang out with Audrina these days, and they're saying that they have to because of some TV show, and I keep telling them that it's not a TV show, it's the paparazzis because Kristin is so famous in Canada. And then they're all, "Can I have a vodka soda?" and I'm all, "Hello, one piece! Make it yourself!" Anyway, Kristin told me I have to hate Audrina because went to the Tool concert and ran into this guy Derrick. Then they went out on a date. Talk about a tool concert. LOL. I'm so funny. Ok, Diary. Time to put on my bikini and go to work.

Kisses,
Stacie

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Or if by not meaning anything that means something. Or if the lack of meaning says something that is in itself meaningful in a way that's more real than things that actually mean something...

'Twas a time when being famous for nothing meant something, but today it's a mere stepping stone — to being famous for nothing in a different way. Patridge told US Magazine that she will be leaving to focus on her acting career. She said at a junket for her upcoming film Sorority Row, "I moved to Los Angeles to be an actress, and before I got onto The Hills, I was going to auditions and castings and working full-time at [film studios] Quixote Studios and Smashbox."

Actually, mock if you will but, the last laugh may well be on Audrina. We hate to get prematurely excited but Sorority Row looks like it might just be the best film of a thus-far dismal 2009. Judging from the trailer, Row tells the story of a slain-Audrina, killed as the result of a sorority house prank, who comes back from the dead to wreak vengeance on her former sisterhood.

Well, it only took 80-some years of moviemaking to figure out that what audiences want to see is a zombie version of Audrina from The Hills going on a killing spree in the greek system, but finally Hollywood put it all together. Hats off to Hollywood. Looking forward to Sorority Rows 8 through 15. And congratulations to Audrina for taking entertainment to a higher ground than The Hills could climb.

Lionsgate has purchased the rights to Suzanne Collins' dystopian future novel The Hunger Games, about a society where teenage boys and girls have to fight each other to the death on television, for fun and profit. By the time the film is made and released, it will be a documentary. [Variety] While us poors are killing and devouring each other, comedy dynamos will be meeting for Adam Sandler's next movie, about a sad little Saturday Night Live high school reunion. Chris Rock, Maya Rudolph, David Spade, and Kevin James have joined the cast. Oh, and Salma Hayek and, strangely, Colin Quinn. Laff riot. [Variety]

Little Labrador that could or whatever Marley & Me keeps surprising at the box office. It's licking ass and taking names in the foreign market, which is usually unkind to American comedies, especially those with women in them. I guess dogs, and Jennifer Aniston's beguiling misery, are a universal language. [Variety] If you're worrying about goings on at home, don't. SAG is working hard, if in secret, to get a new contract ready for ratification. Also: Puppy. Jen Aniston's weepy tears. (Hello foreign readers!) [Variety]

Family friendly Walden Media has nabbed a big old lesbian to star in their next feature. Ellen DeGeneres will be playing Mother Nature in a movie about the deity's (?) first trip back to Earth since it was created, lo those six thousand years ago. It was written by Sex and they City/Men in Trees alumna Jenny Bicks. Lady power! Only Aslan can stop this sinfulness now. [THR]

Wandering weirdo Audrina Patridge will not be continuing on The Hills after this upcoming season. She's signed a deal for a whole! new! reality show, all about herrrr. So that's spectacular. We think we're getting the end of The Hills because Lauren and Audy are leaving, instead it divides to conquer, like a wicked Hydra. [THR] A whole bunch of people got cast in pilots, including Gail O'Grady, Alfre Woodard, Katherine Moenning, and DB Woodside. Your friend Tim, who's been sleeping on your couch for the past two months? He still did not. And hey, it's early, man. Shut the curtains, would you? [THR]

Funny:

Fashionista reports that Whitney Port's new job at DVF is a sham, and E! suggests that Heidi has returned to her fake work at Bolthouse. But why is MTV ignoring the show's real-life storylines when they're so much more dramatic than the listless plots it broadcasts? Let's take a look at their fantasy vs. reality, and speculate why the network has incentive to keep its blinders on:

LAUREN CONRAD
Show Storyline: According to the show, Lauren is a student at FIDM. She began the show with a long internship at Teen Vogue, then moved to a job at frightening PR firm People's Revolution.
Unshown, Real-Life Storyline: Lauren is a fashion designer who has shown at the last two LA Fashion Weeks. The show persists in insisting that she is still just a student at FIDM, despite the fact that FIDM students tell Defamer that she only sets foot on campus to film scenes for The Hills. Paparazzi, who follow Lauren relentlessly, never photograph her at the school she supposedly goes to. She has also inked a terrible deal to attempt sentences longer than three words as a young adult writer.

AUDRINA PATRIDGE
Show Storyline: Audrina worked at Quixote Studios as a blank-eyed receptionist before transferring to a job at Epic Records, where she annoys fellow coworker Chiara with boring stories about fake on/off boyfriend Justin Bobby.
Unshown, Real-Life Storyline: Audrina has leveraged brand-new breasts into an acting career, appearing in films like Into the Blue 2: The Reef and Sorority Row. If you call Epic to do business with Audrina, you will be informed, "I'm sorry, she isn't here," because she doesn't actually work there.

WHITNEY PORT
Show Storyline: Like Lauren, Whitney started her career at Teen Vogue before moving to People's Revolution. Now, she has moved to New York for spinoff show The City, where she is working for Diane Von Furstenberg.
Unshown, Real-Life Storyline: Except she, too, doesn't actually work there. Again, like Lauren, Whitney has started her own off-camera clothing line, Eve & A. Also, despite the MTV-engineered romance she will have in her upcoming show, Whitney has been dating starfucking film critic Ben Lyons, not Tara Reid-fucking rocker Jay Lyon.

HEIDI MONTAG
Show Storyline: Heidi managed to fail upward in a job with Bolthouse Productions, until she was fake-fired this season. Reports suggest, though, that she will return to her job in some capacity.
Unshown, Real-Life Storyline: Even Heidi's consummate fakery couldn't sell the idea that she ever truly worked at Bolthouse. The real Heidi is a beloved recording artist.

Perhaps MTV has found that the characters are more relatable if they hold quotidian jobs in glamorous industries, but is there any viewer who will buy Lauren's schooling when her fashion design career receives a regular berth in Us Weekly? It's time for MTV to throw off the shackles of their imagined reality and start showing us the actual nitty gritty. We don't care about Spencer and Heidi having roommate troubles. Give us Spencer tipping off paparazzi about his dinner at STK, or Heidi icing her nipples in between takes of "Higher"!

In fact, Audrina is so up on the series that she’s already campaigning to be a part of it, telling us she’d love to be thought of as a potential cast member for the next two adaptations.

"I would definitely love to play one of the vampires. I don’t know which one because there’s so many in the fourth book that come in," she enthused. "I’d have to go in and read all the vampires again and see which one I’d absolutely want to play, but I would love to [be a part of it]!"

We'd love to see that, too. But! Failing the presence of an appropriately orange-ish transfer student who shows up in Forks, Washington, about halfway through Eclipse, it may simply be faster for the screenwriter to add in a mysterious party girl whose predilection for Stoli Red Bulls is revealed to be a more sinister taste than it appears.

• ‘Hills’ Star Audrina Patridge Confesses ‘Twilight’ Love [MTV]

According to E!, the new permit lasts 30 days and allows for local filming only once per week, and never on weekends. An unnamed Patridge foe cites narrow streets and fire hazards worsened by MTV vehicles, but a member of the underground army known as the Hollywood Dell Civic Association issued a more pointed opposition today:

The thing is the paparazzi, which was the problem on Orange Grove [where Conrad lives]. ... As I understand it, the issue was the paparazzi hanging around, throwing their garbage, throwing lit cigarettes, being belligerent, and this would have an impact on the quality of life in our neighborhood. And of course the looky-loos, you know, the kids that want to come up and check out her house leads to problems."

Viva la resistance! Gen. David Letterman would be so, so proud.

• Audrina's Neighbors Roll Out Unwelcome Mat [E!]

Audrina, we’re told, is fuming because she found out that her on-and-off lover, Justin [Bobby], and former BFF, L.C., hooked up behind her back...Supposedly, A-doll has been running around town trying to find out any info about the incident that Mister Bobby himself has supposedly confessed to. Lauren denies it, natch.

In fact, Conrad denied it today to In Touch, claiming, "These accusations are so crazy it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." Crisis averted? Not so much — now Patridge has taken to her own, product placement-choked blog to basically accuse Conrad of mascara-running crocodile tears:

I woke up this morning and it seems like just about every gossip magazine or blog has a story about Lauren hooking up with Justin.

I'm not sure what to believe. Though Justin and I have not been exclusive for quite some time, these rumors are very confusing and hurtful.

I can't comment on whether they are true or false.

While Patridge might simply be teasing an upcoming staged storyline on The Hills, it's also possible that Conrad went off-book, bedding Audrina's ex in a shocking, Stephanie Pratt-worthy about-face. Where's Whitney's shocked face when you need it?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• 
  EXCLUSIVE: The Rumors [Audrina Patridge]

Boomp3.com

Reality TV star/budding actress Audrina Patridge made an offer that many men simply can’t refuse before heading off to a medical appointment in Century City. Patridge threw down a hefty gauntlet to all near by men and simply said, “We’re on the parking level and my appointment is on the sixth floor. So, we got five floors to make our own version of Aerosmith’s 'Love in the Elevator' for the building’s security guards. Come on, you know they’re bored, so let's give them a once in a lifetime moment here.” The future star of The Last House On Sorority Row began to sing the chorus of the popular hard rock hit in a breathy tone as the doors started slowly close before the pappers’ eyes. Nearly mimicking the legendary “Here’s Johnny” shot from The Shining, Patridge placed one half of her bug eyed sunglasses against the closing gap and asked, “Last chance to live it up while going down….5..4…3.” The door closed before Patridge could say the magical number.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The books – the first of which is scheduled to hit shelves in the summer of 2009 – will be loosely inspired by Conrad's own experience going from an ordinary teen to a reality TV star.

"It's definitely influenced by my own life," Conrad tells PEOPLE. "The books are about a girl who moves to L.A. and stars in a reality show, so obviously there are some similarities."

Not to be outdone, Hills nemesis Heidi Montag and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt have announced a three-pamphlet deal with Chick Tracts, intended to chronicle the adventures of "Heid Monta," a dizzy blonde who's instructed by her Svengali figure to don a leotard and step-aerobicize her way into reality show infamy. The deal will be paid in Orange Tic-Tacs, with an additional option for Blue kicking in after a potential second printing.

• Lauren Conrad Inks a Three-Book Deal [People]