Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Terminator Salvation is once again surrounded with controversy and angry people. This time, though, Christian Bale is blessedly uninvolved. No, one of the film's producers, Moritz Borman, is suing his fellow prods Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek. The pair owns the Variety]

Martin Lawrence, Regina King, Tracy Morgan, James Marsden, Zoe Saldana, and Loretta Divine will be joining Chris Rock in the remake of the British comedy Death at a Funeral (which starred Alan Tudyk and Peter Dinklage). Oddly, angry white boy Neil LaBute is slated to direct. [Variety]

If you weren't already convinced that we've only a few short, miserable, light-starved years to go before humanity coughs, sputters and dies, here's the tipping point. More people are watching The View this year than ever before. [Variety]

Julia Roberts will be producing a film called Jesus Henry Christ. It's actually just going to be Julia standing and smiling at George Clooney, touching his cheeks and saying "Oh you..." Then they rob a bank in Biarritz. [THR] Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss will be joining Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker out in Wyoming. When asked about the project, Moss gushed "Oh it's so exciting. Hugh's always wanted to be a cowboy. It's nice to see his dream come true." [THR]

Joe Simpson continues to try and squeeze blood from his stone-like daughters. He's now signed his most irksome offspring Ashlee Simpson-Wentz up for Embarrassing TV Camp, where she'll be doing some sort of frown-faced, husky-voiced acting for the new Melrose Place reboot. She'll play a small town LA transplant with a secret. The secret is that she has no discernible talent. [THR]

But weight fluctuations have long been a solid fallback plan for any marginally talented multihyphenate, providing a self-sustaining series of back-from-the-chubby-abyss inspirational People cover stories and lucrative Jenny Craig endorsements. (For a case study on how it's done right, look no further than Jennifer Love Hewitt, who emerged triumphant from a national discourse on ass-hang and cellulite-ratios to become the poster child for the You-Go-Girl Generation of stars proud of their bodies, but not proud enough to keep the weight on.) Yes, Simpson should be—and likely is—thanking her lucky muffin-top we're discussing her at all.

But that's not to say that any of it is right. It's terrible! Why can't we let her be? She is zaftig woman, hear her roar. In fact, in this age of Obama, shouldn't we have better things to talk about, asks Bronx-nursing sibling Ashlee on her MySpace page:

Since when did a woman's weight become newsworthy...

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?

I seriously doubt it.

How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

-Ash

Sure, President Obama might have become the go-to argument for anything bothering celebrities these days ("I really don't understand how audiences can afford to skip Inkheart when Obama is giving hope to millions..."), but there's something about family members leaping to each other's defense, however misguided the reasoning, that warms our heart—particularly when their own manager has yet to weigh in publicly on the controversy, choosing instead to express his feelings in a text message to his #2 money-maker reading, "Just look hot again, Jssica, and I'll <3 you like be-4. Just looking out 4 ur best interests. <3, dad."

• Ashlee Simpson's MySpace

Here's how it works: You simply pick any NYC borough or neighborhood within that borough, add a Jungle Book character (you can select from a list here, or here, or if you're feeling too constrained, just pick any Disney protagonist of your liking), then affix the surname of an overexposed celebrity. We'll get you started:

1. DUMBO Toomai of the Elephants Hilton
2. Ozone Park Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Longoria Parker
3. Gowanus Chuchundra Banks

Now what are you waiting for? Have at it!

[Photo credit: Flickr]

• Baby-name experts grade `Bronx Mowgli' [AP]

In today's installment: Francis Ford Coppola and Pauly Shore (duh!), Tom Hanks, Bob Newhart, Warren Beatty, Woody Allen, Katherine Heigl, The Jonas Brothers, Forrest Whitaker, David Spade, Michael Cera, Johnny Knoxville, Rita Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Rose McGowan, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, Bobby Trendy, Joshua Kelley, Kevin Farley, Tila Tequila, Robin Antin, Charlyne Yi and more.

MONDAY, JULY 28
· Very few people impress and awe me as I have lived here most of my life and work at a place where I see amazing people every day. However, Monday while I was trekking up Westwood Blvd to hit Un-whole Foods for lunch when my jaw dropped. Coming out of Rite Aid was none other than BOB NEWHART. It was such a total shock. He is a national treasure. He should be escorted around in a popemobile or something that fits his stature, not hobnobbing with mere mortals. Then, the next days, I was having an apres earthquake lunch with a friend at The Stand and, what do you think, she tells me that she just saw Bob at the CVS south of Wilshire! He seems to be making the rounds. Gotta love him!

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1
· I was celebrating another lamb to slaughter (aka bachelorette) party on Friday night at the busted "club" Tao in Vegas that's in the Venetian/shopping mall. Our table and both area ended up being a thoroughfare for ho's who wanted to hop on a near-by platform type area that faced the DJ booth blaring out a medley of top 40 thru the years. FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA was sitting on the other side of our booth —just sitting— fat, old and alone and no one seemed to pay him much mind. I was still contemplating the surreal aspect of his presence and wondering why the fuck he would be wasting his time in such a lame place when I almost got knocked over by PAULY SHORE. I assumed he was in a crazed rush to get to FFC, imagining this as his moment to get on cinematic top due to a magical chance meeting with a great director at a club in a mall. I positioned myself to get a full view of their sure to be awkward exchange. It took PS about 10 minutes to get up the nerve to bumrush FFC and it was over quick. It soon became clear that the real story of the night was PS's apparent need to commute to Vegas for club pussy. He sat on the platform for hours grabbing and pawing at any tallish, blonde-ish Forever 21 dress model that danced within his grasp. I saw only one of them give him the hands-off, the rest all reacted quite favorably. It was truly incredible. I can only assume that Paulyy takes the LV tourism ads to heart. Perhaps rejected and dejected outside an LA club one night- a light went on..." Not only will I probably be able to get into clubs there -If everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..then surely some drunk, vacationing skanks will hit it with me!"
· Seinfeld's LARRY "THE SOUP NAZI" THOMAS having breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.
· WARREN BEATTY with two young girls (daughters?) and a blond
woman at Humprey Yogart in Sherman Oaks.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2
· Saw RITA WILSON and TOM HANKS at the Century City Mall with, I think, their youngest son, walking by the Apple store. I recognized Rita first and wouldn't have known it was Tom until I heard him laugh. They looked like a nice, happy family. One of the more normal spottings I've had in this damn city.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3
· As I was sauntering down the alley behind Fiesta Cantina on my way to one of the WeHo bars that looks like a W hotel, I came upon BOBBY TRENDY with two (real) girls giving advice to some 'roided out queen in a Mercedes convertible. They were assuring said queen that his outfit looked good. Note to 'roided out queen: do not take sartorial advice from fucking Bobby Trendy. He basically agreed you looked good in bleached, capris lengthed overalls (!) with a thin black belt and white espadrilles.
· I spotted the Skanksis of Evil: Piggez Hilton, ROBIN ANTIN of Pussycat Dolls 'fame' and gay rights pioneer, TILA TEQUILA at 11. Piggez was basking in the lamelight of the other two and wouldn't be surprised if he called the paps himself. Not all the cheap beer prices in the 'Ho could destroy those images. And don't you think i didn't try.
· Had multiple celeb sightings at the Dolly Parton concert at the Greek theatre Sunday night. First, saw KATHERINE HEIGL with hubby JOSHUA (who is surprisingly hot in person). JUSTIN CHAMBERS was with them as well. Katherine was wearing glasses, sun dress, looked nice. Waited in line for the bathroom like a normal person. Right after I saw them, a strikingly pale and plasticky looking chick walked by in a yellow dress...turns out it was ROSE MCGOWAN. She was with some dude who wasn't Robert Rodriguez...guess they really broke up, or he's not a Dolly fan. Finally, walking out I nearly bumped into JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, tall and haggard looking, which I guess is the result of beating the crap out of yourself for a living.
· Went to the amazing Dolly Parton show on August 3rd. Spotted a grey-haired JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (with daughter in tow?) and MR. AND MRS. KATHERINE HEIGL Hate to break it to you, but when a fan or two approached her, she seemed smiley and rather gracious. Or maybe I had too much wine.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4
· MICHAEL CERA and CHARLYNE YI having a late lunch at Mustardseed, just now. They were with two other guys I couldn't identify by the backs of their heads. I recognized Charlyne Yi first and then noticed the beloved George Michael whose hair was cropped super short, rendering him naturally incognito.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
· Saw those cute Menudo boys [Ed. Note - I'm assuming she means THE JONAS BROTHERS, because surely the members of Menudo can no longer be considered "cute", right?] being rushed to their Delta flight yesterday morn. Security had to grab them as so many little teen girls were hounding them. Gotta luv those boy bands!
· ASHLEE SIMPSON and PETE WENTZ at the Hush Sound show at El Rey Theatre. They chilled in the band's private booth upstairs with all Pete's friends.
· I spotted WOODY ALLEN outside the Los Angeles Shakespeare Theater offices downtown talking to comedian BRENTLY HEILBRON. Is it for this?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· DAVID SPADE (in mesh baseball cap & jacket... in August?) with KEVIN FARLEY at the Steve Miller show Wednesday at the Nokia. Not in the "pit", but close and either playing air guitar or making fun of the folks around them ... which was weird because they were there and clearly fans. (I got free tickets and figured what the hell, but I have to say Steve Miller is rock solid and clearly loved by his fans.)

As none other than Defamer first reported back in April of 2006, the newly single Simpson handled her pouty grief by shoving her cleavage in scented cinema revolutionary Brett Ratner's smelly face, to the dismay of rumored Ratner tossaway Lindsay Lohan. After a Simpson hanger-on called Lohan a "bitch," the then-closeted lesbian allegedly lunged towards their table, held back by the heroic hack himself. A year later, entrenched in John Mayer's predatory grip, Jessica was said to have declared war against her own sister Ashlee after Mayer got the two mixed up in old photos. The rivalry ended with Jessica stating to the press that she was "no longer the girl with potential," but a "blessed butterfly" instead. Triumph! And later that year, the NY Post claimed the amnesia-ridden Jessica became furious after hearing engaged Eva Longoria had dared to be "friendly and polite" to then-ex Mayer, and went on a name-calling rant through New York.

Our favorite tale, however, occurred right on the heels of her anti-PETA message tee bomb drop. Some gossips say the shirt had nothing to do with fuzzy wuzzies or pro-fur campaigns, but was meant as a message to Jesus fan and Tony Romo ex, Carrie Underwood. Underwood won the group's infamous Leno-monologue-staple Sexiest Vegetarian title back in 2005, and Simpson has supposedly been jealous of her whipped boyfriend's ex since day one of their ridiculous union. So in the end, Anderson should probably put the venom away and align with Simpson — they're both failed actresses whose only chance of maintaining "celebrity" is shoving their ample cleavage in the faces of hacks who'll give them their precious screen time.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS JESSICA SIMPSON A BITCH AND A WHORE [The Sun]

In today's installment: Kiefer Sutherland, Lauren Bacall, Ashlee Simpson, Christopher "McLovin Sucks Balls!" Mintz-Plasse, Paula Abdul, Bob Odenkirk, Hank Azaria, David Wain, Benjamin McKenzie, Jackie Warner, Paul Haggis, Jane Lynch, Shane West, Ken Davitian (twice!), Brad Garrett, Joe Rogan, Bitsie Tulloch, Jennifer Morrison, Christopher Titus and more.

FRIDAY, MAY 20
· Sitting at the bar at 4100, smack dab in the middle of a Square Pegs DVD discussion, trying to remember the name of the actress who played Muffy, my friend suggests asking the guy who just sat down next to us. I turn around to see everyone’s favorite Lost Boy, Kiefer Sutherland, who just happened to co-star with her (Jami Gertz) in that iconic bit of cinematic magic. Fellow patrons approached us with their best The Lost Boys quotes. “Mi-chael, Mi-chael.” & “It’s just noodles.” were among the favorites. Surprisingly, there was not one quote from A Few Good Men—WTF?. Lt. Jonathan Kendrick was drinking J & B neat with a few civilians who favored PBR in a can. He did a funny little dance when “Oh Bondage, Up Yours” came on the jukebox, which my friend took to mean that he did not approve. After he had a few drinks in him, Jack Bauer was overheard to say to a female companion, “I would definitely be all over your ass.” I figured Chloe must have downloaded the schematics to his PDA. After last call we were escorted out while he stayed with his friends to smoke and drink.

TUESDAY, MAY 27
· Saw Benjamin McKenzie and a male friend eating in silence at Hugo's. Both wolfed down their quasi-healthy and always-surprisingly-bland-fare (seriously! why do i keep going back?) with nary a word spoken between them. Afterwards they shared a huge chocolate sundae. Then they simultaneously texted. In silence. A few grunts here and there and that was all. A typical hetero night in Boystown? That guy was amazing in Junebug, btw. Seriously. What a great actor.

· Saw Brad Garrett rocking out to the Police during night one of their two nights at the Hollywood Bowl. The people behind him only heard the show. Dude is tall. He left during the encore.

THURSDAY, MAY 29
· This one's for all of you - all three of you- who are obsessed with internet sensation/primetime disaster QUARTERLIFE. R.E.M. show at the Bowl: saw "Dylan", Bitsie Tulloch, and her QLIFE enemy "Britanny", Barret Swatek. In line together, buying one lone beer. I so wanted them to start making out like they did on screen but they just flirted with the lucky guy next to them and walked off into the night to drink their beer and probably make out in the dark to some REM soft ballad. Also, looks as though Qlife didn't pay that well because they were both in serious need of a sandwich.

· The West Hollywood Equinox is no stranger to (sort of) celebrities, but this morning I saw Jackie Warner from Bravo's "Work Out" there. I don't normally care very much who I see there, but I found it interesting that a woman with a reality show about owning a gym doesn't even work out there! What a sham...

· I saw Shane West last night (5/29) and the 24-hour fitness in Hollywood, looking very good. A lot shorter in person than I would expect.

· At the DGA screening of Dirty Harry, I saw: Paul Haggis, Ken Davitian (of Borat fame), Gary Cole from Office Space and The Brady Bunch movies, Christopher "Shooter McGavin" McDonald (he seemed pretty friendly to a group of girls who approached him in the lobby after the screening), Jon Voight (he too seemed nice, posing for a few pictures with fans), and Lonny Ross from 30 Rock, who seemed to be by himself. I really wanted to approach him and tell him what a huge fan of 30 Rock I am, but I don't recall him being on any of the recent episodes, so I didn't want to offend him in case he's no longer on it.

SATURDAY, MAY 31
· At Palmetto (bath-goop store on Montana in Santa Monica), saw Lauren Bacall. She was being fawned over by the staff, plied with lotions balms and salves. Well why not? She's a legend and she had Bogart. Looks good, and still has that plummy, New York voice.

· Saw Joe Rogan of Fear Factor fame standing outside of the movie theaters at The Grove. He had his entire index finger in his mouth, apparently trying to pick a kernel of popcorn from his teeth or something. Dude, that's what bathrooms are for.

SUNDAY, JUNE 1
· Had lunch at Maggiano's on Sunday (June 1st) and saw Paula Abdul there. She was pretty much ignoring the three people in her group by talking nonstop on her cell.

· Arrived to an oddly not-terribly-crowded Hugo's on SMB just as Jane Lynch walked out. While patiently waiting for our table, Milo Ventimiglia walked in (wearing a black Robot Chicken T-Shirt) and patiently waits to be seated. Although we thought we had experienced our share of sightings for a single Hugo's outing, as we went to pull out from the parking lot behind the restaurant, Bryan Singer pulled up in his gas guzzler.

· The delightfully normal-looking and -acting (yet brilliant and funny) Bob Odenkirk at the Trader Joe's in Silver Lake during the morning. Good sighting, but i was more thrilled to find an actual parking spot...

· Was wandering around the afterparty at the MTV Movie Awards and, predictably, saw a lot of famous people running around. I won't bore you with those details, but this one stuck. Anna Faris was talking to a group of friends when two female fans approached her, asking for a picture. Being the doll that she is, she complied. However, her douchebaggy boyfriend (gentleman caller?) was really rude to these fans. He laughed dismissively when they asked her, and then made fun of them after they left. What a dick.

MONDAY, JUNE 2
· Hank Azaria was at the 7:15pm screening of Bigger, Stronger, Faster* at the Arclight. I wonder which of his characters is on the juice? Chief Wiggum? Apu? The Comic Book Guy? Cletus? Professor Frink? Dr. Nick Riveria (he's kind of like an anti-aging doctor), Snake is definitely on steroids...

TUESDAY, JUNE 3
· I had an eventful 30 minutes or so sitting in the Arclight courtyard on June 3rd. I saw chameleon actor Clifton Collins Jr. with a woman who looked, as Variety likes to put it, non-industry. Next up: Heavenly Creature Melanie Lynskey and her husband, Sunny in Philadelphia's Jimmi Simpson. And finally, the willowy Jennifer Morrison breezed past with her new beau Amaury Nolasco from Prison Break. Is it too far-fetched to conclude they were all coming out of the same screening of Sex and the City?

· Saw former good actor Michael Rapaport while having lunch at Bloom. Thankfully, the female talent dining there distracted me enough that I even forgot about seeing him until a moment ago. Food was ultra-tasty, btw. But seriously, kids, the women there were all the more delicious.

· Saw David Wain at the Groundworks coffee on the corner of Sunset and Cahuenga. He's an early riser, that one. Resisted the urge to quote Wet Hot American Summer lines while he stood in line. He grabbed himself a morning coffeee, wandered around for a few minutes and then headed out the door.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
· During the early afternoon, saw Rashida Jones looking good and getting into a black hybrid SUV nr Robertson Blvd and Alden. My Chappelle's Show-loving girlfriend went "Team Karen! Oh hey, is it muthafuckin' tizzight?" (in a friendly way). She didn't turn around.

· [ED. NOTE — We normally don't include NYC sightings, but this one is kinda priceless] Ashlee Simpson at Kips Bay movie theater in NYC. It was not hard to spot Ashlee at the 7p screening of Sex and the City. She was sitting in a ROPED OFF area with her NONtourage - totally solo. She had purchased 3 rows of seats so that she would not have to mix with the plebs. An usher stood by the ropes to explain to all the bitter patrons why they couldn't sit there. EW.

· Lunchtime at the McDonalds in Century City, we spotted Ken Davitian, he of balls in the face Borat fame, wolfing down his meal very quickly. He didn't eat the bun, he apparently ate all his fries, and seemed in and out in about 10 minutes! We watched him quite openly instead of being all stealth and nonchalant about it. He did not notice us staring at him or hear me whispering probably a little too loud: "Jeeze, I've seen that guys balls".

THURSDAY, JUNE 5
· At the Parliament show at Crash Mansion, saw McLovin' wearing a Red Sox cap and talking trash about the Lakers with some fans. He was polite and patient with the people, who did not return the favor. When his friends finally extricated him from the mob, the scorned fans shouted loudly "McLovin' Sucks Balls!" All class, Laker fans.

· Very tall and skinny Christopher Titus at one of 80,000 Starbucks on Ventura Blvd, in Studio City.

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]

• JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD ATTEMPTS TO SELL 'ENGAGEMENT', ENRAGES TONY ROMO [Us]

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Chase Crawford: Very worthy choice. Couple those gay rumors with his preference for blonde beards from the South, and it's a magic match in PR heaven.
Owen Wilson: Also a wise decision, though Joe would break the bank nabbing the Stallion. Also a blonde fan, Wilson is currently on the lookout for a Kate Hudson replacement and, if Jess is lucky, Wilson will relapse weeks into their depressing union, ensuring her distressed mug appears in the press for weeks.

Pete Wentz: Easy access, for sure. Both incestuous and sensational, Joe could always find a baby from whichever celebrity adoption agency delivered Suri Cruise to TomKat, and claim Pete is the father to not one, but both of his toothy princesses.
Sam Ronson: Sam is always available for the part of wingwoman, and the fits Lindsay would cause in the press would go on for months.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• JESSICA SIMPSON AND TONY ROMO THROW IN THE TOWEL [NYDN]

Caa steals ideas and claims them as their own. I would avoid them if you are smart. As they did to Matthew Mark@ and MY Model song. David Zedeck is responsible at NY for the copyright infringement of the song and Geffen Records as well as Joseph Simpson and Ashlee his daughter.

The same accuser, who threatened the Simpsons, Zedeck and Geffen with a $40 million lawsuit in a barely literate press release in January, also hacked Joe Simpson's article for good measure: "Joseph Simpson is a crook and steals ideas as he did with the My Model song his daughter Ashlee sings and claims as her own. ... Avoid him and practices at any cost." Ashlee avoided direct attack herself, and the elder Simpson's own record has since been scrubbed clean as well, freeing him and CAA to polish their scorching cease-and-desist letter in relative peace and quiet.

• Creative Artists Agency [Wikipedia]

Though it's too early to tell how many carats Scarlett's rock has, we have read that Reynolds bought his former fiance, Alanis Morissette, a 3.75 carat rock.

Naturally, Katherine Heigl had her 3 carat ring designed herself rather than trusting her frequently emasculated husband Joshua Kelley pipe in with any kind of opinion. Mariah Carey's highly confusing recent engagement to Nick Cannon has resulted in the singer sporting a possibly recycled 15 (yikes!) pink and purple tacky thing, but if anyone can pull of giant gems it would be Mimi. And, of course, Jennifer Lopez, whose infamous $1.2 million pink diamond ring was ostentatiously flashed 'round the world, only to be sold off post-breakup.

While poor Carmen Electra's new rock from rocker Rob Patterson cost a mere $100k (for celebs, that's the equivalent of shopping at Jared), we think Patterson's eccentric choice of a black diamond suits Electra perfectly. As for knocked up Ashlee Simpson, her faux-punk rocker fiance Pete Wentz reportedly made sure to give Simpson a ring without those pesky "blood diamonds" Leonardo DiCaprio taught us all about in that boring movie of the same name.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, The Mirror]

• DEFAMER WEDDINGS: SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND RYAN REYNOLDS ENGAGED TO EACH OTHER [Defamer]

When Tony and Jess first got together back in November, rumors abounded that Joe was the mastermind behind the set-up. Jess didn't have a whole lot to do, what with that whole acting attempt disaster weakening any Oscar dreams and, well, Joe was like totally a fan of the Cowboys quarterback! So he pimped her out, just like he'd pimped out boy toy Ryan Cabrera to Ashlee. Making matters worse, ever since Jess's divorce from Nick Lachey, all of her so-called boyfriends tend to appear completely embarrassed around the booby blonde. John Mayer denied their relationship for months, while Bam Margera chose to take the classier route and say all they did was do the deed. It seems that once her boyfriends bed her, Papa Joe enters the picture and frightens them away. We call for a Lynne/Britney-style separation, stat.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• Tony, Jess and Joe Simpson Makes Three? [OK!]
• PAPA JOE CAUSING PROBLEMS FOR JESSICA, TONY [MSNBC]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.

"'Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover'...Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million."

As magazine sources tell the NY Post, Simpson will be lucky if she gets $60,000 for a cover story, even one including so-called exclusive revelations about the upcoming shotgun wedding and baby news. Considering the fact that the cat's out of the bag already, Joe may have to wait until the spawn is sprung to use his photography skills towards a big payday. Even Tori Spelling couldn't spark much interest in her backyard belly photos, and at least she has a canonized series under her soon-to-break belt. Perhaps Ashlee should take some advice from her new double date companion Nicole Richie and leave her dad out of the picture. Richie scored a decently paying cover story without any help from her dad; maybe Joe should keep his grubby hands out of the photos-for-cash game and let his kids embarrass themselves on their own?

[Photo credit: Getty]

• ASHLEE PHOTO PITCH LOW-BALLED [NY Post]
• ASHLEE SIMPSON GOES ON DOUBLE DATE WITH NICOLE RICHIE IN NYC [Us]

"I love Jessica Simpson's stuff, especially the shoes. I dance around my house in them all the time."

Though we are glad to hear that at least one person out there actually likes anything Jessica Simpson has designed, we have to wonder if Pete only agreed to make due on that "promise ring" he gave Ashlee earlier this year so he could have unlimited access to her closet and makeup bag for the rest of his life. Between his guyliner and her plastic surgery addiction, we only hope they don't rush out too many mini-Wentzes to promptly ruin the childhoods of.

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• ASHLEE SIMPSON & PETE WENTZ GET ENGAGED [People]
• GUYLINER + WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES = IS PETE WENTZ STILL STRAIGHT? [ONTD]

boomp3.com

Can somebody in America please buy one of my daughters' albums? Please? Or at least do a little more than pretend to like them or go a step beyond liking them for various reasons of irony? Do you know how hard it is to make the change between the manager who just got off the phone with the record label to the cool dad who has to the break news that one of them is about to get dropped from their label? It's hard, real hard. Let alone hiding these irrational fears that I'm going to get fired by my own daughters? Can you imagine that being fired by your own flesh and blood? It could happen. The constant threat that keeps me up at night. That and Ryan Seacrest changing his phone number without him giving me the new number.

Sometimes, I think that Jamie Spears (you know, Britney's dad) has it much easier than me. He's doing a tremendous job over there, but it's pretty simple. Just tell her to stop spending all that money, put on some panties and hang out with her kids whenever she can. And then he's got Juno Lynn over in Louisiana, just hanging out, getting ready to pop out that kid and attempting to be a normal teen with a child. Not me, man. If I was Juno Lynn's dad, I'd be telling her to hit the gym a couple hours after birth. She's gotta get that Nickelodeon body back before her show starts back up.

I'm in a dual position with my kids. I have to love and care for them, but I also have to tell them not to do certain things. You know I had to tell Ashlee the other day to tone down looking like the slithered out afterbirth of a Nylon magazine photo shoot with that makeup wearing hobbit of a boyfriend she has. I'm happy for her as a dad, but as a manger, I'm little concerned about her public image. We have to sell records to Middle America and a lot of those kids still shop at Hot Topic. We can't alienate them too much. With Jessica, it's a bit easier. Don't go to any more Cowboys games and keep on giving what every body wants, a bit of ass cleavage and the regular kind, too.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

Here's Ali last year, avoiding too much makeup, and letting her hair hang long and straight:

And here's Ali this week, premiering new bangs, smokey eyes, Sunset Tan skin, and noticeably plumper lips:

Putting aside the aesthetic differences, the fact we find most distressing is how much she's starting to resemble big sis Lindsay. However, it's important to note that Lindsay didn't transform into a dark haired, attitude laden diva until she was nearly 18 years old. We fear Lindsay's distance from Momager/Pimp Dina has resulted in Ali becoming White Oprah's new pet project. What's next, veneers and butt implants for Cody once Ali's been in and out of the revolving rehab door a few times too many?

[Photo Credits: Splash, Wireimage, Getty]

• LINDSAY LOHAN TEEN SISTER ALI GETS SURGERY [The Sun]

Us
"How A Makeover Changed My Life." Ashlee says, "I used to look at a beautiful girl on the cover of a magazine and think I could never be that." She battled an eating disorder when she was 11 and "contended" with baby fat until she was 21. But Ash is confident now, because she's had a nose job. Awesome. Also inside: There's a rumor that Kevin Federline will play the hunky UPS guy in Legally Blonde on Broadway. Bend and snap. Brad and Angelina were considering moving to France but Brad couldn't put a motorcycle track on the 5 acres of land behind the house they had their eye on. Lastly, a random quote: Dita Von Teese says, "I have always found the artificial to be very beautiful."
Grade: D- (Ashlee Simpson singing)

OK!
"At Home With Britney." Four pages of pictures of Britney's house! By the same photographer who shot Brit and her boys. Leather sofas, warm colors, dark wood, traditional touches. Classy! Britney is heavier now because she is eating three square meals a day — prepared by her chef dad in her "state-of-the-art" kitchen. But March 5, she apparently sent a text message to a friend that read, "I'm so bored. I hate my life." In her downtime, Britney is obsessed with cleaning. And! She has a shrine to first love Justin Timberlake in her home. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston wants a baby daddy and her options are Owen Wilson or key grip Brian Bouma, whom she met on set in Vancouver. Rumor: Johnny Depp might be the face of Trojan condoms. But it's just a rumor, say the Trojan people. Lastly: At a club in L.A., Posh Spice was overheard saying, "I'm drunk... Again."
Grade: D (Ashlee Simpson acting)

Life & Style
"Angelina Trashes Jen." Intern Sharon only read part of this story because, in her words, "Who gives a fuck." But Angelina's brother James Haven says Angelina didn't go to that pre-Oscar party where Jen was sure to be because she didn't want to offend Jen. But a psychologist who doesn't treat anyone involved claims that Angie's comments put Jen in the role of the victim and are disingenuous, blah, blah, blah. Moving on: Tallulah Willis says of Ashton Kutcher: "I find it weird that people think my stepdad is hot." The Spears family is going broke? Lynne went into a jewelry store but she wasn't there to buy; the mag insinuates that she needed to sell some diamonds. A Brit paper predicts Britney could out of money by the time she is 30. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn doesn't get her Nickelodeon TV show money because it sits in a trust fund until she turns 18. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have hired a wedding planner and might get married at Lionel Richie's mansion — Lionel will sing! Lindsay Lohan won't be in mom Dina's reality show and doesn't know much about it. When she went to entertain the troops in Kuwait, Jessica Simpson brought a copy of her movie, Major Movie Star and the soldiers loved watching her go through boot camp. Ashlee Simpson has new tattoos, has been "partying too much" and drinks vodka and Johnny Walker Black. Lastly: Javier Bardem used to be a stripper? In Spain? But when his boss wanted him to perform nude, he quit.
Grade: D+ (Ashlee Simpson lipsyncing)

In Touch
"Baby Joy!" Impending fatherhood has made Matthew McConaughey quit drinking and buy a house, even though he used to say he'd always live in his trailer. He loves his baby mama because he finally met a girl to go hiking with who doesn't mind not showering for a week. Also inside: On a photo of Ali and Lindsay Lohan (Fig. 1), the copy reads "Which sister is older again?" Oh, snap! Angelina Jolie believes Brad Pitt saved her life, because he rescued her from "a life of manic breakdowns, meaningless sex and self-destructive behavior." And that's why she'll marry him. Or so says the mag. Now that she's living with her dad, Britney is "calmer and more upbeat," says a source. "Britney never had a normal childhood, and now she does. She has a curfew, an allowance and her father tells her who she can and can't see." Camera engineer Brian Bouma visited Jen Aniston in L.A. for ten days. She really likes him but she is "still pessimistic about love," says a source. Don't tell Paula Abdul, but her live-in love JT Torregiani was seen diamond-shopping and might pop the question! Plus: Lindsay Lohan has squandered her $15 million fortune on rehab, clothes, vacations and bodyguards. The magazine estimates some of her expenses: Drinks, $10K a night; hotels, $1 million a year; beauty/makeup artists/tanning, $1 million ($70,000 on tanning alone!). Lastly: "The List" this week is "Hollywood's Most Unlikely Studs" is all the icky fugly guys who somehow end up getting laid: Cisco Adler, Zach Braff, Marilyn Manson, Travis Barker... David Spade is No. 1.
Grade: C (Ashlee Simpson dancing)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!" Young'uns Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus, and Rachel Bilson look basically the same — or better — without makeup. Katherine Heigl, Katie Holmes and Jessica Biel are victims of unflattering photographs. Jennifer Love Hewitt has great skin and looks like she's 18, period. Moving on. Britney may or may not be carrying Adnan Ghalib's baby, but they did go out March 8. Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis are all in "adolescent hell." Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are dealing with three teenage daughters and that means "raging emotions, rebellious attitudes and boys, boys boys." It's sexist but kinda funny. Even though she is 19, Rumer's out at clubs every night, uh-oh! Blind item! "Which fair-haired actor, who has been battling personal demons, was seen stumbling out of a swank Miami hot spot last weekend?" Jennifer Lopez is a Momzilla! She hired a color consultant, who told her to decorate the babies' rooms in aquamarine, because it's soothing and intellectually stimulating. Also, the twins' cribs are studded with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Baby bling! Miley Cyrus' family tree has some scandalous branches: Her mom, Tish, was a groupie and got knocked up by a drummer when she was 19; Miley's half-sister Brandi, 20, plays guitar in Miley's backing band. As for Billy Ray, he got a waitress pregnant in 1991. Nicole and Joel have purchased a NYC apartment on Bowery and Spring. Also, Nicole is hoping Paris' relationship with Joel's brother Benji goes down the toilet; "she wants to get on with her life without Paris," a source spills. George Clooney will marry girlfriend Sarah Larson at his villa on Lake Como in Italy this summer. Lisa Marie Presley says: "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant." And it's twins! And she's five foot three, so she's huge right now. Plus: Ashlee Simpson is out of control. She's what we call a drunkorexic: Wasted all the time and not eating much. People say Pete Wentz is a bad influence. Side by side pix of her in 2004 and now show she used to be much cuter (Fig. 2).
Grade: C+ (Ashlee Simpson in a photograph from 2004)

Fig. 1:



Fig. 2:

• L.A. County Sheriffs Have Bigger Fish to Fry [Life Regurgitated]

"I was being a little, you know, silly and crazy that day," Ashlee told the mag. "I was laughing and joking around, and the guy behind me in line was like, 'Uh, you're gross' but he didn't know who I was until I turned around. ... So then he was like, 'Can I have my picture with you?' And I was like, 'Dude, you called me gross!' " (In the clip, Simpson tells him she won't take a picture with him because he won't kiss her feet).

Simpson said she wasn't aware that the camera was rolling the whole time, and she regrets the way it makes her look ("They definitely [edited] stuff together"). But she thinks her McDonald's moment has only made her stronger, because it forced her to deal with public expectations yet again. "I feel it was a moment of growing up," she said. "Most people do that in college mine has to be done in front of the world."

At least we finally have her side of the story, and frankly, we're buying it. One person's "silly and crazy" can often come across as "wasted and belligerent" on a grainy video feed, in much the same way "laughing and joking around," can be misconstrued as a "climbing over the service counter, as you bark at an employee, 'Bitch, stop talking to me!'" We're just relieved Simpson has managed to find the silver lining and grow from the incident no doubt it will inform several tracks on her next album as opposed to simply giving in to what all her critics expect of her and, you know, like, apologizing.

• Ashlee Simpson Explains 'Tipsy' Behavior, Reveals New Boyfriend [MTV News]
• Previously: Ashlee Simpson Gets A Little Too Lost In Translation [Defamer]
• Ashlee Simpson: I Am Me, And Me Is Wasted, Terrorizing A McDonald s [Defamer]