• Trump to NBC: You can't fire me, I quit [CNN.com]
• Previously: NBC Keeping Trump In The Greatest Pick-Up Limbo In The World [Defamer]

"We think it's fantastic," says Judd Funk, New Line's senior executive vp business affairs and Arteta's boss. "Derek's a good lawyer, and this is a great company in the sense that (co-CEOs) Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne are both lawyers; they want people to be able to spread their wings and have the chance to do what makes them happy."

Arteta, 34, a Hastings College of the Law grad who already has appeared on a number of game shows, confided his secret only in Funk before leaving for what the rest of New Line thought was South America.

"People suspected he would go on a reality show because he's such a reality show junkie," says Collette Kadrnka, Arteta's friend and co-worker. "But when the cast was announced, everyone was shocked." [...]

Colleagues of Lefebvre, 37, an alum of Florida's Nova Southeastern University who negotiates talent and sports licensing deals and is married to well-known chef Ludovic Lefebvre, also learned of her involvement when promotion for the show began.

"We generally don't question our lawyers when they take personal time off, and we know Kristine would never do anything to put the firm in a negative light," says Jackie Redin Klein, a member of the executive committee of Lord Bissel, which is supporting its associate's quest to join Trump's empire.

Two episodes in, neither contestant has done anything to bring shame on the employers they hope to jilt should Trump offer them the Apprenticeship, but it's a long season; there's still more than enough time for one of them to to let slip under The Donald's withering boardroom interrogation, "You think I couldn't handle working for you? I'm a lawyer in Hollywood, so I deal with bigger, more soulless pricks than you every day."

• Industry Attorneys Not Immune to Trump's Allure [THR ESQ]
• Kristine Lefebvre [KristineLefebvre.com]
• Derek Arteta [DerekArteta.com]

· We don't want to ruin it for you, so just press play above without our words getting in the way of the greatest YouTube experience you'll have all month. [via Gawker]
· Seeing Paris Hilton in handcuffs is pretty good, but would it be too greedy to wish that she would accessorize them with a dank communal cell in the worst prison in Rangoon?
· Jack Bauer: patriot, poet.
· Yes, PBS-loving alcoholics, Huell Howser has a drinking game.
· Page Six breaks our heart by siding with The Donald over our beloved Carolyn. We suppose we'll be OK just as long as Trump continues to employ Robin, the world's greatest fake receptionist.

Insiders say that when Trump tried to reach her recently, she was off on a trip to make a speech. Another time, while giving a tour of the pro shop at the Briarcliff club, she didn't seem to know the prices on any of the merchandise.

Trump has been in Los Angeles for five weeks filming the next season of "The Apprentice." His daughter, Ivanka, has replaced Carolyn as one of Trump's two on-air sidekicks, while son Don Jr. is the successor to gruff real-estate lawyer George Ross, 78.

"George has been around a long time. He's seen everything. He didn't get excited even when women on the street started screaming when they saw him on his way to work," said one source. "But Carolyn took it very seriously. She thought she was a freaking movie star." [...]

"Trump told her what she had to do was take some time off and spend it with her family, and then get another job," said an insider. "They have a great relationship."

It now seems abundantly clear to us that Trump is just joylessly cashing NBC's paychecks until the network finally tires of declining interest in The Apprentice and cancels it; the passionate, power-mad showman of the show's vital, better-rated first two seasons never would have passed up the opportunity to dismiss his right-hand woman on camera and bask in the stunned, uncomprehending expression of a once-beloved colleague who's been ambushed by an unscripted shitcanning.

• TRUMP DUMPS HIS FIRING-SQUAD AIDE CAROLYN [NY Post]

He added: "I don't think Ivanka would [pose for Playboy], although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."

His comments drew laughs from the audience, and prompted "View" co-host Joy Behar to crack, "Who are you,
Woody Allen?"

Trump's representative, Jim Dowd, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that Trump "was absolutely joking."

"He was making fun of himself for his tendency to date younger women," Dowd said. "It's a sense of humor that people don't see (from him) all the time."

Thank God The Donald's publicist was available to put everything in perspective. Of course Trump was merely having a little fun with his own legendarily narcissistic image! But if he'd joked that he'd like to date his son because that would be the next best thing to screwing himself, everyone would've thought he was gay.

• Trump Jokes About Dating His Daughter [AP]

Trump: "I never liked the idea of her show. I was not a fan of her show because I thought it caused confusion. But NBC wanted it and that s fine with me. But my show continues to do well, despite what she did. And you have to understand [gets off speaker phone and picks up the receiver] . When this thing was first broached about her doing this, my show was No. 1. So what moron would think you re going to fire the guy with the No. 1 show on television.[...]

"I think she doesn t have a great television persona. She has a small group of people that like her because they like watching her make a cake, including my wife. But it s a small group of people. [...]

"I think it hurt my ratings because people were angry that we would allow them to put on a piece of garbage like that. She was terrible. But then my ratings snapped back once people realized we still had a great show. But it really did cause confusion and it caused anger among the really rabid fans. [...]

"I am very loyal. But when somebody screws me, I become a great warrior. And this woman, for her to be talking about me, that she was going to fire me? She s going to fire the person with, at the time, the No. 1 show on television. She was going to fire me? Oh yeah. What person would believe that? It doesn t make sense. But her ImClone deal didn t make sense either."

It's conviction like this repeatedly decimating the reputation of an old friend in the name of one's deluded and grotesquely overinflated notions of self-worth that make Donald Trump America's most beloved teetering-on-the-edge-of-bankruptcy captain of industry. We look forward to the fireworks display of "loyalty" he'll inevitably launch at producer Mark Burnett and his adoptive network the day NBC takes a hard look at the ratings and decides to bump his 5-seasons-long infomercial with a last minute back order of Super-Sized My Name Is Earls.

• So Pathetic [Newsweek.com]
• Donald Vs. Martha: Clash of the Titans [Defamer]

Dear Martha:

It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it and your low ratings bore me out.

Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records. [...]

Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody especially NBC.

In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump

As Mark Burnett smacks his lips and tries to figure out a way to reconcile his two stars in a format that can be edited down to 12 episodes, each featuring its own set of branded "challenges," we can only hope America's two most beloved meanies find a way of mending fences on their own terms, minus the petty involvement of a bundt cake saturated with fatal amounts of rat poison or an "accidental" tumbling into an open elevator shaft.

• Renovating Martha Inc. [Newsweek.com]
• Trump Skewers Stewart in Open Letter [People.com]

Martha Stewart's daughter, Alexis, admits she has "experimented with lesbianism." But apparently the experiment didn't take.

Alexis revealed her girl-on-girl fling on "Whatever," the Sirius satellite radio show she co-hosts with Jennifer Koppelman Hutt. She still bats mainly for the home team, though.

She also admitted sleeping with a cameraman on her mom's "Apprentice" show.

If Mark Burnett had half the killer reality show instincts he's credited with, he would have found a way to phase out the drawn-out debates over wedding invitation embossing while playing up the Punk Rock Alexis girl-on-girl and crew-banging action. And now that you mention it, what is it about the sexual prowess of cameramen that their batting average in straightening out weekend sapphics is so damn high? You never hear about, say, the gaffer's ability to delesbianize a Heche.

• Alexis shows a Sapphic side (second item) [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Doily Bitten: Martha s Apprentice Cancelled [Defamer]

NBC announced Tuesday that it had picked up The Apprentice for a sixth season. However, the reality series will be filmed in Los Angeles, as opposed to Manhattan, where the previous editions have taken place.[...]

[A]ccording to reality guru Mark Burnett, the move is at least partially due to the amount of business Trump is currently conducting on the West Coast.

"Donald has so many recent West Coast projects that it made perfect sense to change locations and along with it change the flavor of the weekly tasks," Burnett said. "Seeing Donald operate in Southern California will provide yet more insight into his remarkable world."

Let's give a warm Angeleno welcome to Donald & Co. when they hit town, and feel free to approach them with suggestions of ways to locally "flavor" their "weekly tasks." For example: in an episode with generous brand integration of the talent management company The Firm, each team is assigned a once A-list star, whom they then have to blow off in as many creative ways as possible within a set amount of time. The winners then get to be ignored by a Blackberrying power player over lunch at Barney Greengrass, while the losers face elimination in Donald's Beverly Hills Hotel cabana cum-boardroom.

• Trump Heads West [E! Online]
• Previously: Trump: The Booze: The Poster [Defamer]

Dear Defamer,

The point of my outrage is primarily the manipulative editing. I expected to appear silly at times, but the fact that editing doctored so many scenes, omitted nearly all of my contributions and choose me as an easy target to be the fall guy so often remains is at issue. It was lazy editing for them to not pick-up on the many embarrassing and humorous stories that were not related to me. I was the target of choice from the start and production never looked back.

What you saw is not real. If my initial conversation with Trump, week one, were such a disaster then why cut it up to portray that I aimlessly rambled to Trump's one question? Trump asked me a series of 5 - 7 questions and editing choose to splice in my various answers randomly to portray me as their caricature, which they continued to develop to their desire thru the weeks.

Regarding the yo-yo matter. An individual in the audience, the “yo-yo lady” of NYC, gave it to me as a gift. The scene, that was portrayed as happening during the presentation, was actually long after the class was over and we were awaiting production to take us back to Trump Tower for the verdict. Productions choice to insert that as if it were during the presentation is absolutely a lie. Also, my contribution was a major part of the presentation and of course none of that was shown. More on that in the coming days.

When Trump “fired” me I immediately shot back with my own “cobra” and rebutted “on to bigger and better things”. Of course that would not please the Donald to see. And finally, the cab scene was taken from 30 minutes in the car and I can assure you that those were my absolute worst moments. Proof positive that Production is out to intentionally damage me to the last possible moment and have a good laugh.

Funny article, thanks for covering the show and look for more from me soon.

Sincerely,

Mark

While we are shocked—shocked!—anew each time we hear that reality TV editors manipulate footage in the service of entertaining, if not "truthful," storylines, we are not at all surprised that Mark's final retort wound up on the cutting room floor. The Donald would never allow the public to see any deadly "cobra" unleashed in the boardroom but his own.

• Apprentice Outraged At Seeming Dumb On Television [Defamer]

In an angry E-mail to "Apprentice" staff psychologist Liza Siegel, [fired Apprentice Mark "Markus"] Garrison asserted that "the intentionally libelous method of editing has resulted in the public's belief that I am an idiot...not to mention mentally ill....I do not intend to be [Mark Burnett Productions'] cannon fodder without a spirited fight."

Garrison, who has a collection of allegedly dodgy "Apprentice" video clips, claims at least two instances of tricked-up editing: In one, during a phone call from Trump, he says producers cobbled together his answers to different questions to make him sound windy and disjointed; in another, a shot of Garrison playing with a yo-yo - cut into a segment depicting a Learning Annex presentation, even though it occurred afterward - makes him look bored and disengaged.

But Trump told me: "I dealt with him a lot during the course of the show, and you see a lot of difficulty with Markus from the standpoint of talking too much. He seems like a nice guy, but, boy, he just wouldn't stop." Trump added: "I don't do the editing....My opinion is that Markus was treated accurately."

We're more than a little ashamed to note that we're still watching the show, and we have to admit that Markus was a bit roughed up. (Fair or not, the yo-yo bit was stroke of genius. Apparently, there was no way to get Markus to play with a Speak-N-Spell without arousing suspicion.) His constant stammering seemed to be unaltered, but we think the puckish editors may have stepped over the line by adding the helmet and dubbing in snippets of Corky's dialogue from Life Goes On in postproduction.

• Apprentice fires back at Trump [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Trump's Stripping Apprentice Now Odds-On Favorite To Win [Defamer]

• It Sort of Puts Janet Jackson’s Nip Slip in Perspective [Gawker]
• ‘Martha’ Mayhem [MSNBC]
• Previously: Martha Menaced By Pretty Anorexics [Defamer]

In an attempt to boost the flagging fortunes of two new shows, NBC has flipped the Wednesday timeslots for The Apprentice: Martha Stewart and E-Ring for the immediate future, beginning this Wednesday, Oct. 5.

The move is a strategy NBC hopes will help resuscitate both new shows, neither of which are off to strong starts.

NBC found that much of its Martha audience was being poached by UPN's America's Top Model, and is hoping the 9 p.m. slot, which has no other reality competition, will help rescue the second member of the Apprentice franchise.

As if poor NBC didn't already have enough to worry about with the other big networks and their fancy "hit shows," it now has to deal with the embarrassment of having its ass kicked by a bunch of sandwich-deficient mannequins from UPN. If you tune in to next week's Apprentice: Martha and look really closely, we think you'll be able to see the little translucent peacock in the corner of your TV screen crying.

• NBC Flips Martha, E-Ring [Broadcasting & Cable]