Encouraged perhaps by his giggles 'n' dick jokes success on Saturday Night Live (but probably not), movie hut Anchor Bay has picked up distribution rights to Justin Timberlake's little indie drama movie in which a son (Timbz) reconciles with his estranged dad (Jeff "BeeBo" Bridges) at his dead mom's behest. It's called The Open Road, and it's about a soul-searching road trip. Yep. It's one of those. [Variety]

Chris Hardwick, so very late of MTV's Singled Out (and current [?] of Attack of the Show), will be hosting a new show called Web Soup on G4, which is done by the people from The Soup, but is about the internet rather than television. So now you can watch a show on TV that is about the internet. Gurgle. [Variety]

Pixar, which holds the keys to a magical otherworld where everything looks like computers but only opens the door and lets us peek in every year or so, is opening up offices in Vancouver. Vancouver is a place in a country called Canada where most movies are filmed, usually movies that only refer vaguely to "a city." Everyone will be mildly happy and then it will rain and somewhere Doug Coupland will start writing a book about animation. [Variety]

Eddie Kay Thomas, the guy who likes to boff old ladies in those American Pie documentaries, has been cast in a show that sounds more horrible than that first glimpse of puckered, withery elderflesh. It's called How to Make It In America. He'll play a rich former nerd who really still wants to be cool (because that's never been done before). It also costars Bryan Greenberg, that unfortunate hunk of high school bologna from Unscripted and the overly scripted Prime. Hell. This show sounds like hell. [THR]

The likable Matthew Goode has landed a role in the Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant dramedy about insurance men Cemetery Junction. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be thankful that Goode's not wearing a skintight nipple suit (or will you?). [THR]

Warner Brothers is hoping that Facebook will make more people want to buy Watchmen on DVD. [THR]

Ryan Seacrest and Jamie Oliver are putting together a reality show in which the Naked Chef helps whole towns not be fat. The first town? Couchville, USA. Population: Me. (I hope) [THR]

Antonio Banderas is making another movie no one will ever see. [Variety]

Jim Carrey will play the Devil who tempts die-hard Washington Senators fan Joe Boyd, who's sick of watching the Yankees win all the damn time, to sell him his soul in exchange for a victorious season. Carrey in that role makes sense. But Boyd, who magically becomes slugger Joe Hardy and helps the Senators win, will oddly, and sort of annoyingly, be played by noted rap video star Jake Gyllenhaal. His hip-hop career aside, Gyllenhaal's biggest brush with the musical was his disastrous (on purpose, I guess) "And I Am Telling You" warble when he hosted Saturday Night Live a while back. There's been nothing announced about the musical's most important part, the sexy vamp Lola (she gets what she wants) that the Devil uses to tempt Joe. May we suggest not Anne Hathaway. [Variety]

Will Ferrell and the always-hilarious Mark Wahlberg have been cast in The B Team, an action comedy directed by longtime Ferrell collaborator Adam McKay. The producers are working hard to nail down that title, as an adaptation of 80's wacka-wacka fest The A-Team is already in the works. [Variety]

In his continued efforts to one day assemble the world's absolute sexiest film cast, which could make the universe wink out of existence like a hard-bodied Large Hadron Collider, Woody Allen has nabbed Antonio Banderas to be in his next film, which already stars Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Slumdog Millionaire beauty Freida Pinto, and, um, Sir Anthony Hopkins. The film shoots in London and, every night, in the little smut movie house in Allen's head. [Variety]

The sometimes likable, other times irksome Seth Green has been cast in Robert Zemeckis' latest weirdo performance-capture movie, called Mars Needs Moms. He joins his Austin Powers mother Mindy Sterling, as well as Joan Cusack and Dan Fogler, the dude from Balls of Fury (and from the musical 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, for which he won a Tony). [THR]

In TV, Brittany Snow has been cast as a young Lily van der Woodsen in that new Gossip Girl spin-off. Funny, we thought Snow's movie career was burgeoning. Also in television: Respectable actors Denis O'Hare and David Morse have been cast in TV pilots, and Jessica Capshaw now has a gig as a lesbian love interest on Grey's Anatomy. [EW, THR, EW]

· Announcing the First Agency-Hopper of 2009 is always a joyous occasion, and so forgive us if we're beaming a little as we relay the news that Antonio Banderas has left the CAA Death Star to leap into Ed Limato's agenty embrace at WMA. [Variety]
· The Vancouver Film Critics Circle have announced the nominees for their year-end awards: Milk, WALL-E, and Slumdog Millionaire are all in contention for best picture, which suggests to us that Vancouver film critics are incorrigibly wide-eyed dreamers, and possibly gay. [Variety]
· The Painted Veil director John Curran will direct The Beautiful and the Damned, about F. Scott Fitzgerald's tumultuous relationship with Zelda Sayre, with Keira Knightley in the Zelda role. Said Knightley, "I don't know—I just wanted to try something different so I thought I'd give period drama a try." [Variety]
· Forest Whitaker is in negotiations to star in The Expendables, an action film written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, to be followed by a string of deficient Expendables sequels and one last Expendable hoorah about 20 years later. [THR]

Boomp3.com

Ballistic: Ecks VS Sever star Antonio Banderas sought a small dash of spiritual guidance before receiving an award at the annual San Sebastian Film Festival. Banderas gave a dry run of his acceptance speech. The only counsel God gave was to thank Him first and multiple times through out the speech. “Don’t you think that one mention at the beginning is justified?" Banderas replied. "I won’t come off as how do you say…needy?” God shrugged. “Look, dude, it’s your speech," he said. "Say whatever you want. I’m just trying to offer some constructive notes.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

”Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, ‘Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.’”

Sounds like a cinch, abounding with potential suspects, right? Not so fast. After our handy thinking caps proved to be malfunctioning this morning (or, possibly, the mindgrapes under said cap?), we took a few guesses after the jump, but today calls for the help of you commenters who, as always, are typically far more savvy at this sort of thing than us:

Anyone else who sadly remembers Mango the flamboyant monkey, or Corky Romano the flamboyant mob kid or, really, Chris Kattan the flamboyant Chris Kattan, was surely as shocked as we were to hear someone like model/actress Sunshine Tutt had agreed to marry the quirky little guy. Is she a cokehead, though? Well, were we forced to utter "Sunshine Tutt" whenever introducing ourselves to someone, we might need something to bolster a bit of confidence too. Melanie Griffith has admitted to dabbling with her fair share of substances in the past, and hubby Banderas has not only high-kicked on Broadway, but dude has not one, but two perfumes colognes under his shiny belt. Yasmine Bleeth, maybe the biggest repeat offender in cocaine bustland, is married, but we (and, we suspect, she) don't have a clue who this husband of hers is, but perhaps none of the above matters. When we hear the term "closeted actor," we instinctively picture the two actors most closely associated with the phrase in the public's eye: man-smoocher John Travolta and macho, macho man Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is many things, but a cokehead? Nah. Kelly Preston, on the other hand... How an actress could fake her way through filming an explicit sex scene with Cruise without the aid of drugs? The world may never know.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, FilmMagic, Getty]

• CELEBRITY SIDE DISH [NYDN]

boomp3.com

Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever star Antonio Banderas introduced his new fragrance, Blue Seduction, in New York City on Thursday afternoon. Banderas described Blue Seduction as smelling like a Sunday morning after a hot and passionate and steamy Saturday night. Or, as Banderas lovingly said, "Like every night and day at my home." \Then Banderas launched a diatribe about how, if women use his fragrance, it will awaken the lost passion in their relationships. Besides, he said, "I know a thing or two about the way a man would want his woman to smell." Banderas then paused for a breath of air and woefully admitted that he really had no clue as to how the perfume smells, it was just that Melanie was spending more money than she was allotted and he thought this would be an easy way to clear his Capital One balance.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's star-studded holiday spectacular episode: Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon; Sean Penn; Jack Black; Antonio Banderas; Dustin Hoffman; Elijah Wood; James Spader and Michael Rapaport; Leonard Cohen; Malcolm Gladwell; Benjamin Bratt and Talisa Soto; Dylan Walsh; Amy Brenneman; Giovanni Ribisi; Chris Noth; Jeremy Sisto; Dave Annable; Christopher MacDonald; Vincent Gallo; Rachel Dratch and Chris Parnell; Eve; Catherine Bach; Brandon Davis; Sean Hayes; John O'Hurley; Monica Lewinsky; Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed; John Lydon; Paul F. Tompkins; Randy Spelling; and Trevor Penick.

· Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon with some other actorly types at the 5:35 Dome showing of Sweeney Todd 12/29. Reese was wearing a baseball cap w/"Jake" embroidered on the side. Awww. Both were casual and cute. She is teeny tiny. Seriously.

Jake and Reese part 2 - when I got into the line to exit the parking lot, I was behind a black Mercedes, which then proceeded to pull up to the ticket booth and sit for five minutes while the driver obviously searched for his ticket. I suppressed the New Yorker in me and didn't lay on the horn, and was rewarded with the realization that Jake himself was the culprit. Stars, they're just like us! P.S. When I pulled to the ticket booth myself, the attendant was giddy from her five mins w/Jake. Don't know how Reese felt about all this; she seems pretty organized.

· Wednesday (12/19) I'm at the car rental office at Ontario Airport when I see a guy walk past who I think looks a lot like Sean Penn. But I think: Why would Sean Penn be renting a car at Ontario Airport? And besides, this guy is tall, and most celebrities are short. And also besides, this guy has a lot of gray hair, and Sean Penn is young and virile. A few minutes later, he passes by again, this time hounded by a car rental office employee very eager to have an autograph, and I realize it IS Sean Penn. He's in a big hurry but says he can sign something if she finds something for him to sign really fast. She produces a piece of paper, which he signs, then takes off. He's all alone, no entourage or assistant or companion or anything. The employee runs off with her prize, literally whooping and leaping in the air. I wish Sean Penn hadn't been in such a hurry so I could tell him that I liked "Into the Wild," and that my brother sincerely believes he hates America. Alas.

· Sat (12/29) - Jack Black with assumed nuclear family (child in plastic car, wife and 2 old people) at the Geffen Murakami show. Jack had a shaved blonde hair trim and was wearing a Coltrane shirt and seemed eager to view some paintings of jism.

· 12-20 - I promised my visiting mother some good celebrity sighting possibilities at the Grove. Just as the day was ending, with nothing but unnameable character actors everywhere, my mother entered Duck Soup and ran into Antonio Banderas as he was leaving. Mucho apoplexy and self-fanning. Her verdict: thin, unshaven and gorgeous. Merry Xmas, Grove.

· I'm pretty sure I saw Dustin Hoffman at Third Street Promenade today (12-28). He was walking by himself, talking on his cell phone and wearing a Rolling Stones jacket.

· saw ELIJAH WOOD doing some last-minute Christmas shopping on Monday, 12/24, at Anthropologie/3rd St. Promenade. looked a bit overwhelmed and overloaded with bags.

most surprising? actually short + hobbit-like in person. least surprising? piercing blue eyes.

· At the Murakami at the MOCA on Friday 12/28, the line was very, very long—way out the door. Not for Michael Rapaport though, who probably lives in some sort of alternate reality where he's really famous and people give a shit about him. He was a huge dick and cut in front of the whole line to buy his tickets. I was in the middle of buying my tickets, and he didn't even wait until I finished. James Spader was also there but he obeyed the rules.

· He's my man: Leonard Cohen, younger Asian wife, and a white couple with a newborn that spent plenty in time in grandpa (guessing here completely) Lenny's lap during a particularly delicious brunch at Ammo on Sun, Dec 31. I mean it was totally gross! Keep waiting on line for Doughboys across the street! Much better!

· Visited LA over New Year's for a reunion of my college roommates (go UNC!) and was able to squeeze in a couple celeb sightings. First, saw Michael Rapaport sitting outside Brooklyn Projects on Melrose on Sunday afternoon 12/30. Only noticed him because I damn near tripped over the broken skateboard in front of him. Then, saw Ron Livingston and his "Standoff" costar, Rosemarie DeWitt, in line at Whole Foods by the Grove standing in an endless line on New Year's Eve to buy overpriced groceries with the rest of the masses.

Oh, and earlier that day around 1 pm, I was trying to get breakfast at Rockenwagner's cafe on Abbott Kinney, and took over the tiny outdoor table in front of the bakery from Malcolm Gladwell, the author of pop-science greats "Blink" and "The Tipping Point." He was dressed in skinny jeans and was wandering around by himself with what looked like a manuscript in his hands. His giant fro is unmistakable.

· Benjamin Bratt, looking very doable in all-black on my LAX to EWR flight on 12/18. Traveling with beautiful wife Talisa Soto and two cute kids on a rainy day, he kept his sunglasses on all the way from the back of the very long gate check-in line. When he actually reached the flight attendant, he popped them on top of his head and clearly poured on the charm with the holder of all crosscountry seats. Hmmm, did you not start out with those cushy front row of first class seats, Benjamin? In any case, was very low key and seemed very into his family. Too bad his hip length coat was hiding what looked like a luscious butt. Traveling is touch, Benj, give us SOMETHING to dream about on a 5 1/2 hour flight!

· AA's LAX to Boston flight Dec 22.... None other than Dylan Walsh (Nip/Tuck's Sean McNamara) looking fretful in 1st class, and upon de-planing at Logan, spotted a very normal-looking Amy Brenneman (TV vet of Judging Amy and the unwatchable Private Practice) with husband-type and kids. Looked like the neighborhood MILF...

· January 1, 8 pm- After finishing an early dinner at Osteria Mozza (crispy duck and burratta with leeks vinaigrette) and while still trying to conjure up the name of the b-list tv celeb/happily working actor having dinner with his family next to us, ran into Giovanni Ribisi at the valet. He was leaning James Dean style against the wall giving everyone a pointy eyebrow look, probably trying to hypnotize us with some kind of Scientology mind trick. He was small and pale with a very expressive face. Standing next to him was a small and pale little girl, perhaps his sister. Was very gracious when a valet shook his hand.

· A biggie — Pavillions, Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood/Boystown, reading Page 6, New Years Eve, in serious need of touching up his roots, with weirdly dark eyebrows, pale skin, and a paunch. You guessed it — Sex In the City 'hottie' Mr Big, Chris Noth. The gays were all filling their baskets calmly (sort of), so I guess SJP wasn't there with him.

· January 1 - Jeremy Sisto was standing outside of Arclight, totally alone & looking both confused and as maladjusted as most of his characters. Throngs of people everywhere, but Mr. Sisto was in a clearing and looking around as if he was waiting for someone. Scruffy, just like he was every other time I've seen him. Had a Borders bag with him...which, come to think of it, makes me think he really likes book stores, because I've seen him twice in two different Barnes & Noble stores. Maybe he's well read. Definitely, he's taller than you average actor.

· Saw cutie Dave Annable at the Nordstrom's Westside Pavilion location on Tuesday 12/18 afternoon. In jacket, baseball cap and jeans, with another similiarly-attired guy. No mini-blonde in sight...

Veteran character actor Christopher MacDonald spotted at the Ozomatli HOB show Thursday night, 12/20. Dude is aging well...looked like a C-O-O-L rider.

· For your holiday star sighting blog entry...I saw Vincent Gallo in the produce section at Whole Foods on sm blvd/Fairfax last night, 12-26.

· On either Dec 11th or 12th, Rachel Dratch and Chris Parnell of SNL (or formally i suppose), biding their time in the gift area at the Arclight around 10 PM. They appeared to be even heights, meaning he is comically short and she is about a phonebook taller than you would think. She did look done up, but overall they did not seem to be on any couple-related business.

· 12/25/07
I'm in the security line at LAX trying to get on my flight to start my Xmas vacation when who do I see in the line in front of me? The rapper Eve. She was lookin' pretty good and I must say that I find that Tambourine song very catchy. Gotta give her props because she only had one hanger-on with her although she was being escorted through the airport by some "official " looking dude. She had go through security just like the rest of us peons.

Honorable pseudo-celebrity mentions:
American Airlines flight to Maui in the first class section Catherine "I used to be Daisy Duke" Bach. Wow. Girlfriend has really let herself go big time. She had herself crammed in a red velour sweatsuit that looked like it was about to burst open. Also, REALLY BAD dermal filler of some type in her lips. They looked so fake!

01/01/08 I'm waiting for my several hours delayed flight back to LA from Maui (Thanks American Airlines!!!) and I spot Brandon "Firecrotch shouter" Davis in the airport. Not as fat in person, but walking around in all of his greasy faced glory. He ended up making his flight to LA on United wait for him. Who does he think he is? Someone famous?
That is all to report.

· Saturday 12/29 Wandering through that little alley at The Grove (J.Crew/Whisper Lounge/side elevator to the parking lot), spotted Sean Hayes braving the throngs of common folks. Boyfriend and I spotted him at the same time & looked to each other for confirmation—yes, it was him. He was with a smaller dude and had on his requisite baseball cap. Seriously, is that thing stapled to his head?

· Since all the A and B-list celebs were on holiday, I only managed to catch some lower-level celebs about town.

My friend and I were at the Bel-Air Hotel NYE champagne gala and saw the nimble J. Peterman, AKA John O'Hurley of "Dancing With the Stars" fame, with his wife and another couple. He sadly disappeared before the unlimited champagne fueled dancing session started, robbing us gala-goers of his fancy footwork.

The next day, Jan. 1st, my friend and I were lunching at Nate & Al's on Rodeo when we saw Monica Lewinsky with a male companion. It looks like she's gained back the weight she lost, along with Linda Tripp's weight. I wanted to ask her who she was going to vote for this year, but she was busy eating.

· So I was dropping my girlfriend off at LAX this morning. She was flying to Mexico on Delta. At the Delta International terminal (longest line I've ever seen to check in, literally wound out of the building and down the sidewalk). My girlfriend and I had just said goodbye. Suddenly as I was walking away I saw, being guided by a Delta robot/security guard, the whole Simmons brood — Gene, Shannon Tweed and the two kids. They were whisked past the whole line (ahhh, the privileges of flying first class, no doubt), and taken to a fancy elevator right to the screening area. I have it on good authority that they were all headed to Puerto Vallarta. Gene looked as you'd expect: tall and creepy. His son's tall, too, but not nearly as creepy looking. Didn't get a good look at the daughter. But man, Shannon Tweed still looks hot as f*&k! Go, Cougars! Thanks, Defamer!

· Took a walk in Venice today (12/25) and was overcome with a mix of nausea and intrigue when I noticed a shirtless John Lydon sunbathing while reading his paper. He was bloated, pale and hairless.

· 12-21 - Paul F. Tompkins helping his lady friend choose a plaid coat at Forever 21 at The Grove while wearing white plastic frames with no lenses

· 1/2 - Saw the least-offensive Son of Hollywood, Randy Spelling, on my flight from Denver to LAX. It was a coach-only Frontier trip, so apparently Tori wasn't the only one cut off by Aaron in the will.

· Thursday Night, 12-20. Saddle Ranch Trevor from O-Town. I'm a loser.