The Soup picked it up as well, rendering even Joel McHale's incredulity unusually authentic. Frankly, we're still confused — but that doesn't mean the idea can't work. Follow the jump for Defamer's own customized "Bleep Photos," culled from both our deep in-house archive and the obscure wilds of the Web. We like cats and pasta and everything just fine, but face it: If you know you're good, then you know you can be better.

• The Soup [via FishBowl LA]

Susan Sarandon, Dolphin Attack!
You can't make this shit up: while vacationing with writer/LSD aficionado Timothy Leary in the 1970's, the Academy Award-winning actress was "nearly killed" by a jealous female dolphin. The dreaded sea mammal took a bite out of her wrist and then "tower[ed] over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."

Fabio Meets a Bird
The hunky romance novel cover model was riding a rollercoaster and was attacked in the nose by an angry goose or something. While it's unclear, really, whether the bird noticed his massive, ham-like idiocy and decided to kamikaze or if Fabio just blundered into it as he has every other aspect of his life, the fact remains that Fabio once met a bird at Colonial Williamsburg. And though it died, the bird won.

A Tiger Shows Roy That He's a Fucking Tiger
Siegfried and Roy were magical gay animal tamers who did a show in Vegas involving our gayest predator cat, the white tiger. Mostly the beasts went along with the act, jumping through hoops and playing the hurdy gurdy and whatnot. Until one day, nature fought back. Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger who was new to the show, much like Nomi throws Gina Gershon down the stairs in Showgirls. After many surgeries, they managed to reattach Roy's face and the tiger was not euthanized. Reportedly, on the way to the hospital, Horn pleaded "don't harm the cat." Good on him! Apparently, during his extensive surgeries, a quarter of his skull was removed and placed in a pouch in his abdomen for later use. Blergh.

Crikey.
Steve Irwin was an Australian fellow who liked to poke at dangerous animals and then run away. He operated under the banner of environmentalism, which I'm sure was true in part, but mostly he just brazenly cheated death until it caught up with him. Two years ago, Irwin was swimming in the water off of Australia when a stingray's barb went through his chest, killing him instantly. Tragedy for sure, but even bigger a tragedy is that his wife Terri has continued in the dangerous animal game, selling her wicked little leprechaun of a daughter off to the animal wranglers, who make her rap and sing songs and talk endlessly about her dead father.

Ryan Seacrest's Gay Shark Attack
Clearly mistaken for some sort of jewel-encrusted seahorse, Dick Clark impersonator Seacrest was nibbled on by a shark over the weekend. Though state and federal agencies, including the FBI, DEA, ATF, CIA, NSA and BET, are on the hunt for the creature, speculation that it was simply Dunkleman wearing a snorkeling hose has not yet been disproven.

The Littlest Terror: Puffins
Gordon Ramsay took time from his busy pants dropping bellowing schedule to try to cook and eat a puffin and the little critter fought back. He was filming a show in Iceland and climbing down a rock face trying to nab the tiny bird. The bird promptly bit him on the nose and Ramsay went tumbling into the icy waters. He was able to save himself, much to the chagrin of the sous chef he's got locked in his sex dungeon.

Also, I just know there's a celebrity who got bitten in the face by a dog, but I can't remember who. Not Tina Fey. Who issss it?

The teaser trailer the Society posted to its blog is chillingly effective: not only do we expect to be appalled by their trip to one of L.A.'s most popular pet-pushing emporiums, but we're hoping their i-team, disguised as Les Deux patrons in search of a hot after-party, somehow managed to infiltrate Hilton's compound and obtain footage of the walk-in closet where a colony of neglected pups survives on a diet of high-end shoe leather and the contents of discarded water bottles. Stay tuned!

• Puppy Trouble in Tinseltown [Humane Society]