Today on The View, the ladies bowed their heads as if at church to soberly listen to the tape of Christian Bale's DP-excoriating rant (though Elisabeth Hasselbeck cracked up during Bale's angry, "da-da-da-da" moment). Afterwards, though, they were mostly sympathetic—Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar confessed to some less-than-professional behavior, and View censors actually bleeped out a purely hypothetical rant where Behar mused about calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck an "asshole" (she's said worse!). The storytelling prompted Sherri Shepherd to confess that she would never be capable of such a thing, but she's certainly worked with some men who've had no trouble channeling their inner Bale. Of course, they all pale in comparison to View doyenne Barbara Walters when she's been deprived of her usual morning mug full of coffee, cayenne pepper, and the finger bones of Debbie Matenopolous. The screaming that follows that makes Bale look like an unimaginative, held-back second-grader.

• The View [ABC]

Other highlights: Sherri Shepherd gushing over the high I.Q.s of his three children—surprisingly none of whom he named Adolf Hitler—and Dick's own plans to found a chain of recession-busting budget bordellos. He may have just thrown it out in a moment of blow-charged creativity, but there might be something there: The Wild Wings Ranch could offer a wide-ranging menu catering to clientele's whorehouse needs as varied and nondiscriminating as those of the pansexual proprietor himself. [The View]

A. Joan Rivers

B. Andy Dick

C. Grazerhead

"... Dick was escorted back to the holding area ... At one point I noticed Dick sat up from the floor and his pants were soaked from the waist area to the ankles. Dick has just urinated on himself."

"I asked Dick why he didn't tell me he had to use the restroom again, Dick stated that he did not want to knock on the window like a caged animal."

Dick then rose up defiantly, saying, "You can take everything from me — my drunken roasts, my N-bombs — but you, sir, cannot take away my dignity!" Having made his triumphant point, Dick then stripped down, bit a warden on the breast, and collapsed into a puddle of his own filth while murmuring, "Eat your heart out, Lovitzzz..."

• Slick Dick Gets Off Sex Charge Hook [TMZ]
• Dick: You're Not Cool, Unless You Pee Your Pants [TMZ]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

• Andy Dick Arrested For Alleged Sexual Battery [KCAL]

Around 1:15 AM this morning cops tell us they responded to a report of a person peeing in the parking lot outside the wing joint, causing a disturbance.

Once there, they stopped a van and found Dick in the passenger seat. He was arrested for allegedly groping a 17-year-old girl's breasts and pulling her top down.

When he was searched, cops say they found weed and one Xanax in his front pants pocket.

We've included the inevitable side-by-side of Dick's mugshot with Heath Ledger's Joker—freakishly similar down the clump of seaweed hanging off their heads and that menacing, "I'm on the list" look in their eyes. They'll both give you nightmares tonight, but only one will probably get an Oscar nomination for their Method madness—and it won't be for outstanding supporting work in Blonde Ambition.

• Dick Busted on Sex Charges Outside Chicken Joint [TMZ]

Trump-groping couch favorite Andy Dick made an appearance, too, and while he could have easily justified going along with the theme by saying he came as the Honey Nut Cheerios spokesinsect, he explained the outfit had nothing to do with the masquerading holiday, and instead was a shameless, Seinfeldian promotion of his own upcoming, bee-themed movie—the heartwarming story of an addict bee who likes to get hopped up on near-lethal quantities of nectar, then proceed to tongue celebrity wasps of either sex while attempting to fly up the pants of anything that moves. Enjoy all the filthy, drone-on-drone stinger talk in the clip above.

• Jimmy Kimmel Live

In today's episode: Jason Lee, Giovanni Ribisi, Nate Corddry, BJ Novak, and Rainn Wilson; Hilary Swank; Eddie Murphy, Jessica Alba and Dane Cook; Kiefer Sutherland; Diane Keaton and Ron Popeil; Frances McDormand; Jeanne Tripplehorn; David and Victoria Beckham; Sharon Stone; Donald Faison; Kevin Bacon; Kim Basinger and Slash; Donald Sutherland; Billy Crystal; Keith Urban; Adam Goldberg; Will Arnett; Michael Cera; Christina Ricci; Tim Meadows; Seal and Heidi Klum; Andy Dick; Laura Prepon; Mark McGrath and Bonnie Franklin. In China: Josh Hartnett.

· I'm probably not the first to write in about the arcade fire show at the hollywood bowl on 9/20, but we seemed to be sitting in the special nbc section. giovanni ribisi and jason lee were sitting together nearby, giovanni looking trim and tiny, jason lee rocking the earl mustache. they were smiling a lot and seemed to be there with their ladies. spotted nate corddry of the late, not-too-much-lamented "studio 60" sitting close to bj novak from "the office." bj had a beard and wore a hoodie and seemed to be trying hard not to be recognized, leaving before the show was over with the lights still down. that was a huge contrast to rainn wilson, sitting a few rows behind us, who seemed to be hanging with friends but chatted with every well-wisher who came by to tell him how much they love dwight schrute. he stayed til the end and sang along with every song. as far as we could tell, dwight and ryan the temp did not make contact with each other...

·Arcade Fire at the Hollywood Bowl, 9/20- Rainn Wilson in the box seats. He wouldn't take a picture, but he let a friend and me talk to him for about five minutes. Was wearing a jacket from his new movie "The Rocker." He then proceeded to stand up and rock out during most of the show. Very nice man.

· Just saw Hilary Swank and her CAA boyfriend (I don't know agents & too lazy to research...it's like John Parcheezi or something, right?) enjoying Saturday morning (9/22) brunch at Patrick's Roadhouse in SM. I can report exclusively that she looked very petite and feminine in a royal blue track suit and long hair pulled back for a Sat morning. Really cute, actually.

· Wednesday September 19th, around 10PM.
I saw Eddie Murphy at the "Good Luck Chuck" premiere party at Napa Valley Grille. He was a late joiner to the party—his reserved sign looked different. Anyway, he showed up with 2 guys and 2 pretty young things, all dapperly dressed. Apparently he refused to use the guest bathroom, and instead was escorted to the employee bathroom to do his bizness.
Jessica Alba (looking reaaaaal skinny, with a big ole entourage) and Dane Cook were both there, nice enough, surrounded by hanger ons.
That's all.
Hope that helps.

· Walked into Mr. B in Burbank, escaping a torrential downpour in Burbank, Saturday the 22nd. The bar seats were full of regulars, but I saw a slight, darkly dressed man in a corner booth, on my way to the restroom.

I came back to the table my boyfriend had selected and he said '9 o'clock' ( the corner booth). It was Kiefer Sutherland with a Coke in a bucket and a shot of something brown, intently text messaging on his cell phone. He looked trim and quite handsome.

The regulars were all quite aware of him. One asked for an autograph, which he graciously penned. Another asked for a cell phone pic; again, he obliged. And another offered to buy him a drink, but he kindly explained to the bartender that he was just stopping by for one on his way home from work.

On his way out, he shook many hands. Seemed like he was quite familiar with the place. Did I mention that he looked trim and quite handsome in all black with a trench/raincoat?

· My friend and I decided to take a long lunch in Beverly Hills today and drink some wine on company time. While I also saw an actual celebrity, Diane Keaton (wearing the bowler hat she has on every time I see a picture of her) the real treat of the afternoon was spotting the king of the infomercial. Looking about as I remember, but maybe a little older, was the inventor of the veg-o-matic, the solid flavor injector, the spray paint toupee, and many other modern marvels, Ron Popeil! I know I should be ashamed, but I haven't been so excited in quite some time.

· On Friday I was at Sharkey's on Beverly Blvd (Beverly Hills). I was chatting away with my friend when all of a sudden, right next to me was Frances McDormand. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with the cutest little girl, she is the coolest and was smiling and super friendly to everyone.

· wednesday 9/19: strolled into the newly remodeled joans on third, i
see jeanne tripplehorn — eldest and most wrinkliest of the "big love" sister-wives. she was eating with a man and a young boy and, thankfully, bill paxton's naked posterior was not present.

thursday 9/20: pretty late into our meal at neal fraser's restaurant
grace, around 9:15, the door opens and a silence falls over the room
as victoria beckham enters wearing a very tight, very short black dress. she sits down in the corner with three business-looking people, but then sends one of them to the hostess to get them moved a few tables over. she didn't look nearly as icy or robotic as i'd expected and, dare i say, almost seemed pleasant. about 10 minutes later and with less fanfare, a surprisingly thin david beckham comes strolling in with a sweater/tie combo and sits next to posh. for the rest of the meal, the duo don't seem to talk to each other much. maybe posh is mad that becks is home because of his injury? go play some soccer or something, bro.

saturday 9/22: waiting outside of griddle cafe, a short-haired Sharon stone comes in with her son and cuts to the front, bypassing the mass of peasants waiting outside for a table. she definitely looks her age, but was very involved with her son. later on in the meal, Donald Faison — he of "clueless" and "scrubs" fame — saunters in with his girlfriend.

·Friday 9/21 7 pm. Kevin Bacon, sauntering out of Ammo on Highland, with agent-type, and younger-looking version of Kyra. Mr. Bacon looked not a day older than his Footloose days, but at least his haircut was better.

·Two for one.
Wednesday 10/19 KushiYu in Tarzana
Slash looking GOOD and very un-bloated eating sushi with his family. No one but me knew who he was. He is not letting the 90's die.
Kim Basinger was also there. Looking beautiful but in a bad outfit.

·Sunday September 23 - I saw Donald Sutherland at the Third Street Promenade, walking E. down Arizona. Long, flowing silver hair. Dark sunglasses. Tan-ish suit. No expression, actually sort of zen-like. Just walking at a moderate pace. Just a regular guy on a Sunday afternoon. Happens to have spawned Kiefer. That is all.

·Keith Urban getting off a Vancouver to LAX flight on Sunday, September 23rd. No entourage, very low key. Gave me some pause when he bypassed the waiting town car driver to head straight for the bathroom, but I'm sure it was totally innocent. Seemed very humble and cool.

Billy Crystal dining at Toscana in Brentwood on Monday, September 24th. Looked like he was with his wife and a friend.

· I saw Adam Goldberg at the 3rd Street Trader Joe's on Thurs., Sept. 20. He is in surprisingly good shape, very toned. But tattoos running up and down both arms and a crazy look in his eye. I would cast him as the unibomber in a heartbeat.

·It's been my week of Arrested D cast sightings. I strolled past Will Arnett on Larchmont this past Friday afternoon. Dude is tall — and hot!!

· Finally managed a contemporary sighting; it's usually 70's TV b-listers for me in the valley. Entering the Jamba Juice in WeHo Gateway Friday afternoon (9/21), Superbad's Michael Cera entering with a young bearded guy and a young woman. They exited with their smoothies 10 minutes later while I sat and enjoyed my concoction in the plaza. Wearing a gray wool cap and a reddish hoodie, he looked about 12, chattering away with his friends. Honestly, he barely looked old enough to drive, and totally normal. But then he did play a high school student in the movie.

· 9/23/07- Starbucks in the Target center at Santa Monica and La Brea- there sitting in a corner was little Christina Ricci with what looked like a freshly chopped Vidal Sasoon bob- looked great on her. She was talking to producer Barry Mendel. As I waited for my mocha (yeah, I like mocha's, bite me) I could hear them talking. And I'm pretty sure Barry asked her if she mourns not being able to play a certain type of role b/c of her age. COME ON, Barry, learn yourself some tact!! You don't ask an actress anything related to age— get it together, man! Hopefully, I just misheard him (but I'm really only saying that so the lawyers don't come after me).

· Saw SNL alum and perpetual Ladies Man Tim Meadows ordering pizza on Friday night at Village Pizzeria in Larchmont. It took great strength not to ask him "say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?"

· 9/22 - If Seal or Heidi Klum are reading this, I swear I'm not stalking you. If you guys are stalking me, however, you're more than welcome and sorry for boring you. This was the second Sunday in a row I've spotted Seal at the Starbucks on Beverly in Beverly. This time he was with the Mrs. and driving a more family friendly SUV. As I was walking out of Starbucks, I heard a blast of Seal music coming from said SUV and caught Heidi Klum grooving to her hubby's tunes in the passenger seat. The couple, dressed in rock 'n roll cool jeans and t's, walked into Starbucks holding hands. They're hot and look like they genuinely have great times together.

· Spotted Andy Dick on Sunday night (9/23) at Amoeba. Startlingly, he appeared to be wholly sober, and refrained from molesting any random passers-by (that I could see). He was with a cute 20something blonde girl - she seemed normal enough, but must have a screw loose somewhere because, well, she was voluntarily in the company of Andy Dick.

· 9/23 - Laura Prepon, AKA "Donna from That 70s Show", looking blonde and generally very pretty, spotted with two female friends at the Pinkberry in Los Feliz on Vermont. She paid for her friends' yogurts which means her total probably came to $50 or something. How generous of her! And it's not even really yogurt.

·Mark McGrath on the 22nd floor of the Mandalay Bay late on Saturday night Sept 22, or was it early Sunday morning?....walking with a bunch of dudes and a 12 pack of BUD LITE?? Looks like they were post show (Sugar Ray played Saturday night), but I hope they were going someplace where no one minded if the brought their own cans.

· Friday the 21st - While enjoying the weather in Downtown Ventura, Lo and Behold! Bonnie Franklin of One Day at a Time fame! Ms. Ann Romano looks GREAT! "Hey Annie! Where's Schneider!?"

Special Great Wall of China Josh Hartnett Edition:

· I walked the Great Wall on Thursday and spotted Josh Hartnett with two British friends, one male and one female. The girl was dressed in a totally inappropriate tight and short black spandex tank top/skirt one piece thing that had all the Chinese blushing and pointing and commenting all day. She was also constantly taking photos of Josh for which he happily posed. Never photos of all three of them just being friends on the wall but photos just of him striking a pose. I don't think anyone on the wall would have noticed him if not for that. You don't exactly expect to see celebrities in a place like that. At one of the stops where a guard charges you extra to keep walking the wall (very Chinese) Josh and his friends loudly laughed and complained about being ripped off. They were clearly joking because the amount was like 2 dollars each but it seemed more like mockery to the locals and a bit over the top. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a low round scoop neck and a pair of jeans. At some point he wrapped a white t-shirt around his neck like a scarf and he had on Ray Ban Wayfarer shades. He was really nice to anyone who approached him and asked for photos or wanted to chat for a bit. There were only about 5 people who did so and they were British frat boy types. After the hike to the Si Ma Tai section of the wall he sat and had some beer with his friends. There was a lot of talking about deals and agents and dinners and stuff like that. It was all a little surreal for the location but a bit of unexpected fun on a really great day.

• Angry Dick Explodes on Photog [TMZ]

"I realized, ooh, 'here's my chance,' so I pulled him back by the shirt and I then I just pushed him almost as hard as I could, really hard, and, you know, I smashed his back and his head into the bar and I just lost it. And then I kept doing it...I would've kept going...and when I did it the second time it was really hard and he went [untranscribable sound of unmanly anguish]." The full audio can be found here for those eager to hear a retelling liberally sprinkled with plugs for his weekly Laugh Factory showcase, where you can presumably witness a new act of comic-on-comic violence each Wednesday night.

• Jon Lovitz vs. Andy Dick: the scoop! [DennisMillerRadio.com]
• Jon Lovitz vs. Andy Dick: The Laugh Factory Beat-Down [Defamer]

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole." [...]

Last year, Lovitz related, a drunken Dick strolled up to his table at Ago in West Hollywood, rudely downed his guests' peach liqueur drinks, and "looked at me and said, 'I put the "Phil Hartman hex" on you - you're the next one to die.' I said, 'What did you say?' and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women."

When the two ran into each other at the Laugh Factory last Wednesday, "I wanted him to say he was sorry for the 'Phil Hartman hex,' " Lovitz told us. "First he says, 'I don't remember saying that.' Then he leans in and says, 'You know why I said it? Because you said I killed Phil Hartman.' Which I never said. Then he asked me to be in his new movie.

"I grabbed him by the shirt and leaned him over and said, 'I don't want to be in your movie! I don't want to be in your life!' I pushed him against the rail. Then I pushed him again really hard. A security guard broke it up. I'm not proud of it . . . but he's a disgusting human being." Dick's rep said he had no comment.

The discrepancy between Lovitz's recollection of the incident and that of Masada is inconsequential; while many were probably pleased to see someone finally retaliate against Dick, whether by "really hard push" or cranium-rattling atomic piledriver, it in all likelihood did little to slow Hollywood's drug-addled juggernaut, who probably spent the rest of the night pinballing from club to club, delivering double-death-hexes to anyone who refused to split an eightball with him over the story of how that disturbing blood stain found its way onto the front of his shirt.

• Comic Clobbers Comic In L.A. [Page Six]

In today's anemic, pre-Memorial Day Weekend episode: Ray Romano; Joel McHale; Larry King; Tim Allen; John Mayer; Billy Baldwin and Mario Van Peebles; Scott Caan; Ed Helms and Tony Hawk; Andy Dick; Nicole Richie; Usher; Lance Bass; and Francois Chau.

· Two sightings on Monday, May 21:
Ray Romano with some friends at Sushi Nozawa in the Valley at lunchtime. The new guy on Talk Soup (Joel McHale) at the Dodgers game later that night with a guy friend and their dates.

· Not only did I see Larry King at Al's Newsstand in Beverly Hills this morning (5-23), but I saw him wearing designer jeans; squiggly lines on the back pockets and everything. I sensed a boot cut but cannot confirm. Hello!

· 5-23 Just saw Tim Allen and three buddies, all in black t-shirts and looking biker-esque (his technical advisers for Wild Hogs?), at the Pit Fire in NoHo. The Toolman has a bit of a gut and that chubby man's forward propulsion style of walk, but his arms were impressive. Probably bulked from lifting bags of ill-gotten Disney money.

· Tuesday 5/22 Saw John Mayer at Mexicali on Ventura Blvd. Jessica Simpson was not with him although they do serve a "Jessica Simpson Margarita" there! I wonder if that's what John was drinking? He's a lot taller than I expected - maybe 6'2''.

· 5/24, 10:30am, John O'Groats: Billy Baldwin having breakfast with Mario Van Peebles. After they finished eating, BB disappeared into the men's room and we never saw him come out. Maybe there is a secret back door? I hope he didn't stick Mario with the bill.

· Scott Caan was at the Daily Grill in the Tom Bradley Terminal on Sunday. He was wearing a typical leather jacket & t-shirt and jeans, and was with some other hipster early 30 something in a vintage T-shirt and jeans. Maybe his manager or something. They barely said a word to each other because they were both on their blackberries the whole time.

· I saw Ed Helms and Tony Hawk with two of his kids walking around on the Fox Studio's lot yesterday (5-21). I think they were there for the LA Screenings or maybe visiting the set of Eddie Murphy's new movie Starship Dave.

· 5-23 Andy Dick in an office building in Century City. He actually looked sober, although it was only noon.

· Nicole Richie and her little entourage were in full effect Tuesday night at The Comedy Store in West Hollywood. I'm a comic, and the guy who went up right before me (some newbie to the comedy scene who was frantically going over notes before his set), said that she was there to see him.

He was a total hottie and his name was Ashley. His entire act was
about being in rehab, so I'm thinking... maybe he met Nicole in rehab? And, there was no Joel M in sight.

They stayed long enough to watch my set... in which I just sing songs about celeb gossip, so I sang my song about Paris going to jail. There's even a line about "ditching that little bitch Nicole Ritch... ie." That got a bigger laugh than usual.

· lindbrook avenue in westwood - 8:30 pm, last thursday, during a class break, my friend and i went to baja fresh for a snack. as we stood in line, we noticed the employees were a little distracted. they were all atwitter and kept looking off to our left... finally we watched a tiny little employee tear off a piece of register receipt walk over to the young man sitting alone at a table and ask for an autograph. we looked over to see that it was "URSHER got the voice make ya booty go (clap)." yes, it was USHER, alone, getting some fajitas to go and REFUSING to be photographed, much to the dismay of the tiny employee.

· 5/21: Why did everyone fail to mention to me that, on Mondays, Hollywood = ghost town? After four failed attempts at finding an open and rockin' watering hole, Parc finally gave way to success. Barely a wait outside; the sole VIP for whom the velvet ropes parted before us plebes was Mr. Lance 'Perez-outed-me' Bass, with a mere two paps in hot pursuit (he must already be old news, qu é triste). He's really quite dashing in person and finally gave me proof that Hollywood men whose height surpasses my own really do exist. Too bad they all play for the other team. 5'8" chicks can barely catch a break in this town.

· Who: Francois Chau
No, Seriously, Who?: He plays Dr. Marvin Candler, the narrator in the instructional films within the show Lost.
Where: Block Party in Echo Park
When: Saturday, May 19

I think this rates as M-list for most people, by A-list for complete dorks, like myself.

(He's on the right, reaching for his daughter.)

In today's episode: Sean Penn; James Woods, Ashley Madison and Andy Dick; Paris and Nikki Hilton; Christian Slater; Jon Lovitz; Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.; Tracy Morgan and Jasmine Guy; Dominic Monaghan; Minnie Driver; Ryan Reynolds; Adam Brody and Sean Hayes; David Boreanaz and Neil Flynn.

· Tues 5/15 around 11:30 am: Sean Penn outside the Four Seasons smoking a cigarette. Cab arrived and he got inside, then it drove away. The end.

· Last Thursday, after being drowned out by the noisy ramblings of underage or at least novice drunks at the Snake Pit on Melrose, in walked three guys, one being Andy Dick. Our joke of the night? One of my friends did not know who Andy Dick was. So we all sat — baffled. What was he in again? I know he's fathered a bunch of kids. I know he's done a lot of wonderfully loonified Hollywood hijinx, but what has he been in? Anyway. Unfortch for us, he was very well behaved.

Then yesterday, I was wandering near the L'Ermitage on Burton Way when I was two REALLY cute dogs. I closer view, I noticed one owner was James Woods and the other owner, his girl toy (Ashley Madison) who looks barely out of high school. Odd folks. Not really nasty, but not friendly, even when I cooed over their adorable dogs. What are they getting out of each other?? Not quite sure.

· Spotted Paris Hilton at the Grove Barnes & Noble last night (5-14). My friend and I were walking out just as she walked in. Paris was on her cell and nearly tripped right in front of us. She wore a white top with blue anchor prints as well as an anchor pendant. Just to be obnoxious, my friend and I went back upstairs and spotted the "Simple Life" star sitting on the ground, browsing through Photography and Art books. Of course, we picked up a tabloid with Paris on the cover and I took a photo of my friend "reading" about Paris, while she's in the background. Her sister Nikki was there as well. They stayed not more than 15 minutes because everyone noticed she was there. They ran out of the bookstore, just in time for my friend to yell out "PAAAAAAARIS!" outside Barnes & Noble. That's hot. Nikki drove off with her sister in a black Range Rover.

· I recently saw Paris Hilton in the Mrs. Beasley's store on S. Beverly stocking up on their line of mini-cupcake poppers, - perhaps for her upcoming stint in prison. Ms. Hilton was polite and pleasant and a crowd of paparazzi were waiting for her on the sidewalk outside.

· Christian Slater looking cute in a baseball cap at Shutters in Santa Monica today. With publicist type and buddy, driving off in his black BMW SUV.
Jon Lovitz in FULL tennis regalia at the Beverly Hills Hotel today waiting for his car.

Saw Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. eating sushi down in the Valley on Thursday night. SMG looks really hot these days with her brunette look and snuck out a couple of times during dinner for a cigarette break

· a little late but last saturday night (05/12) at the grove (even i felt lame being there), "30 Rock" albratross and alleged deejay-groper tracy morgan, looking unassuming... also saw "different world" veteran jasmine guy walking by the fountains. she looked really really old, but can't decide if it's just because i only see her in reruns. maybe i should look out for dwayne wayne using a walker...

· 5/16- Before the Mortified LA show started at KingKing, I was fortunate enough to be positioned at the bar next to Dominic Monaghan, while he chatted with a friend and ordered drinks (Stella). He was short (of course) and cuter in person. I'm a big fan of the hobbits, but I prefer Elijah Wood.

· Went to play drag queen bingo at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood last week. While in the parking lot, a British voice asked me, "Is this the right spot for Bingo?" Turned to see Minnie Driver, looking sleek and tall. Hair in kind of a weird pageboy cut. She was able to bypass the large line gathered outside and get a table right away. The drag queen hosting the event took great delight in making fun of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA but Minnie was a good sport about it all. She didn't win anything.

· Saw Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds, at the Troubadour on Monday night (5/14) at the Ari Hest / Damnwells show. He was with two girls, and the blond in the hat appeared to be his girlfriend. She didn't look anything like his ex, Alanis Morissette. Ryan had a scruffy beard and looked bored. He is very tall.

· Wed, 5/16—Spotted Adam Brody trekking around in Runyon alone. Boy is very thin and sporting a scraggly "beard" better suited on a teenager. No dog, though—just giant shades to shield him from lesser mortals.

· Thurs, 5/17—Silver Spoon Diner in WeHo—Sean Hayes at a corner table on the patio with a male friend. Had the requisite baseball cap on...does he ever not wear one?

· Saturday 5/12 @ Mastro's- We saw David Boreanaz (Bones, Angel) with his wife and kid eating dinner. The wife was getting her gifts for mother's day from both of them, and it was really sweet. Our waitress said that he is also a manager there??? Don't know about that one, and couldn't find anything on IMDB. I could see part owner or something, but a manager? Geesh, what does Fox pay their actors nowadays? Anyhoo, dinner was amazing and I was glad to have at least one sighting since we had our moms with us and they were pretty excited to see a celeb.

· Even better than a Ribisi or Sutherland sighting.... the hub and I saw Janitor from "Scrubs" (Neil Flynn) at Alcove in Los Feliz on Thursday 5/17