In a cover story that just went up on on their website the gay news magazine fawns all over the Bravo honcho without telling us anything we don't really know. He loves pop culture, he's gay, he's friends with famous people. Whoopie! This is our favorite whooper:

When asked if he'll ever take the stage full-time, Cohen tilts his head in consideration. "I wanted to be on air when I was in college, but right now I love being a TV executive," he says. "All this side stuff is just extracurricular gravy."

Well, if you just want to be an exec, then why not, you know, hire someone to host Watch What Happens Live and all the reunion specials. There are people who do that for a living, and plenty of executives who never get in front of the camera.

Just ask Bravo president Lauren Zalaznick, who you never see and who says something about the channel being so gay, they are beyond gay. Zalaznick says, ""Our audience absolutely has a gay core...But more than that, we know a much bigger circle of our viewers has an enthusiastic, sophisticated, entertainment-based, aspirational view of their own lives, whether they're gay or straight."

Cohen says that Bravo isn't targeting a gay audience and it just "happens to be gay." I hate that phrase. It's kind of like saying that Head and Shoulders is for people who just happen to have dandruff. Cohen also describes his network as "bi" (can you imagine Andy touching a boob? Ha!) because it wants to be gay while attracting a wider audience.

Now we love Bravo and all the Housewives and even, begrudgingly, Cohen, but why does the channel have to have its cake and eat it too. Why can't everyone just say, "Yes, we pander to gays, and to everyone else." There's no shame in it, damn it. That and we want Andy to finally admit that he's as much a famewhore as the bitchy women that his show turns into reality show fixtures. Then we will just lie on the couch for a week watching a Top Chef marathon and be happy.

While chatting with burgeoning gay icon Levi Johnston, on his show Cohen asked the kid if he would pose nude. He said he would "for the right money." Now Cohen said on the air that Johnston shouldn't do it, and he's young and he'll have the chance to make "more than $25,000 in his life." Don't be so sure.

Hey, Andy, don't get in between us and what's in Levi's Levis. The future of our happiness depends depends on us seeing the Alaskan hunk working his hockey stick on camera.

The $25,000 figure didn't come out of the blue. Last week not only did Unzipped magazine (the gay playboy) offer to pay Jonhston (an undisclosed amount) for a naked cover, but also Bait & Tackle, a media company that owns the website Straight College Men [NSFW, unless you work in a gay bordello] offered Johnston 25 large if he would come to Las Vegas and jerk off on camera for the site.

We called both companies to see if they have had any luck getting this hot commodity, and neither immediately responded to phone calls. Levi, listen to us. Don't listen to Cohen. This is the best thing you can do for your future. Do the porn, Levi. Walk into the light.

And that wasn't the only surprise on the show. Anderson Cooper, the straightest man in the universe also called in to talk about wigs, the Real Housewives of Atlanta, and his penchant for Latin boys. Actually it was only the first two. At one point, Cohen said, "Anderson, you've come out publicly..." and we thought for a second "Wait, Andy Cohen is going to fucking out Anderson Cooper on basic cable!" Then he continued, "come out publicly in your support of NeNe." Oh, damn. No out. But yet again, we didn't hear a gayer thing all day yesterday, and we watched three and a half hours of Project Runway.

Of course it's Lifetime's fault. It's the exact same show, other than the fact it's set in L.A. and now on Lifetime. Sure, the show's new network is advertising the design competition's debut in magazines and subway cars and on television, but it's not getting the traction that Bravo's campaigns always did—possibly because the ads only show host Heidi Klum and the show's mentor/mascot Tim Gunn, and not any of the contestants. Even though the finale for season six has already been filmed, it seems like we know nothing about the new batch of designers that will be bitching about bobbins starting Thursday.

Also, Bravo knew how to bring the mania up to a fever pitch. They would advertise a new season relentlessly and show marathons of previous seasons for entire weekends getting the fans back in the mood. Lifetime doesn't have that luxury. Also, we spend a lot of time watching Bravo (hello, various Housewives, Flipping Out, Top Chef, and Andy Cohen) and only tune into Lifetime to catch the odd Golden Girls rerun. Even if they did have spots for the new season, we wouldn't see them.

And just today, the channel that specializes in television for women (and gay men), sent out a press release alerting the world that Runway has a MySpace page. MySpace?! Is it 2005? A show about fashion can not afford to be out of touch. It's all about Facebook and Twitter these days. Oh, speaking of Facebook, Lifetime's version of the show is on there and has 25,413 fans whereas the Bravo seasons have 122,534 fans. Burn.

Lifetime just doesn't seem to have the street cred to carry this thing off. No matter what they do, their Runway will always be a knock off purse compared to Bravo's Louis Vuitton. It may look the same, smell the same, and even have the same logo, but we all know it came from Canal Street and there is nothing you can do to sell it as the real thing.

Or, as a huge fan of the show more succinctly told us when asked if he was excited about the new show: "L.A.? Lifetime? No."

Cohen, the senior vice president of original programming and development at the channel beloved of gays and their hags, started inserting his pretty little face on the tube by hosting the reunion shows of various incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. Their high ratings naturally lead him to believe that he was the reason viewers were tuning in and decided to give us a weekly dose of wankery on Watch What Happens Live, where he interviews celebrities (about himself) and Bravo mainstays (about how much they love him). It's horrible and we can't stop watching.

Last week featured the sharpened-pencil face of "real" housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub, finally shedding light on the horrible thing she did to fellow housewife Dina Manzo that made sister Caroline cry on the recent reunion show. We also got a booty call with Andy's close personal friend Sarah Jessica Parker. He asks her questions about the Sex and the City episodes he guest-starred in, and she rightfully doesn't remember. Don't worry Andy, we'll kiss your bruised ego and make it all better.

Our favorite bit is when he says he's going to send SJP some fried chicken so that she can put it in the blender and feed it to her newborn twins. That, right there, is why Florida won't let gays adopt children.

What we love is that everything about him and his show is as obvious as Michael Kors' fake tan. This Thursday he has on his friends Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos and designer Isaac Mizrahi, who is cashing his Bravo paycheck when he's not making $10 frocks for Target. So, yet again the show will be all about Andy and his network.

And that's with us. We haven't haven't seen such boldfaced buffoonery on television since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic and look how well that turned out!

"The recent rumors alleging that my family faced an eviction are a huge misunderstanding and grossly inaccurate. I am truly blessed to enjoy a wonderful life and lifestyle. We have indeed moved to another home, but we did so on our own free will. We live in an absolutely beautiful home and we are fortunate to be able to live in the place of our choice. Unfortunately, there are many families who are facing real foreclosures and real evictions. That is not and never was the case with us. I know where we live and how we live, and for those blessings I am humbly thankful. It is disappointing that many members of the media have chosen to report gossip instead of news. Without wasting time on the details, the only thing I will say is that we were NOT evicted. Everybody knows that I like to be honest, real and upfront. If something was wrong, I would tell you! Thank you for your well wishes. However, please know that my family continues to be abundantly blessed, and that Miss NeNe has not skipped a beat!"

Looks like those novenas worked, Anderson. We must say, we're a little uncomfortable now that the assertive, always on top NeNe's been put on the defensive. Let's just hope that no matter where she ends up, she won't be reduced to panhandling outside a Chili's, holding the sign, "Why lie, I just contracted fake cancer. Please help!"

• NeNe Speaks [Bravo]

When Bravo figurehead Andy Cohen related an email sent by viewer "Murtice, from Oakland" inquiring about Kim's suspicious hairdo, the Housewife collapsed into a dizzy-making story about how she only had to wear a wig because she had... well, if someone else would like to say "cancer," then she'll go with that. However, after milking what little sympathy she could out of a stone-faced, skeptical NeNe, Cohen pressed Kim further, forcing her to relate a breakdown at Chili's (!) where she discovered that actually, she never had cancer in the first place. It's a fictional miracle! Videogum's got the clip:

• The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Does Not Have Cancer [Videogum]

We picked up the phone and called Jack, who had this to say:

"It's very baby steps. I really like him a lot. And geography is a bit of an issue, but we'll see where it goes. I like him a lot. I assume he likes me a lot. Unless he's lying...(laughter)... He's adorable. I like keeping it incestuous, keep it in the Bravo family."

SO we immediately had to call Dale, who told us,

"Yeah, we randomly met over Myspace. And then we bumped into each other at the OUT100 party and clicked. He's hilarious. We're just gonna roll with it and see what happens. And he's cute as %&#@. We have the same sense of humor. We giggle a lot, and you know, anytime you end up going through the Bravo-reality-show...we just looked at each other and said, 'yeah...'"

As Bravo's executive yenta Andy Cohen kvells until his head explodes from all the cross-promotional love in the air this Chrismukkah, let's take a moment to remember the millions of single Gays (and lightly delusional hags), whose weekly rendezvous with either of the two Fantasy Boyfriend templates—Dale (bearishly Semitic with a touch-of-danger mohawk), and Jack (WASPy, gymtastic body, with a touch-of-danger elbow tattoo)—was the closest thing any of them had to an intimate relationship. Still, that photo is the cutest thing we've seen since injured baby hedgehogs, rendering us incapable of wishing the two anything but many happy years and Chinese girl babies together.

• Jack and Dale: Dating [blogs.outzonetv.com]

During the retardando "Jersey Boys" tribute to the "Sopranos", a colleague emailed me "help!". I couldn't agree more. When you're in the house, they play clips from Emmys past during commercial breaks. The clips only made me depressed that I wasn't there to see MTM and Harvey Korman and Isabel Sanford and Lucy.

I really really don't give a crap about America Ferrara [sic] or "Lost" or Helen freakin' Mirren, so the clips just reminded me of a time in the way past that I loved every single TV show. By the way, don't show us your boobs Helen Mirren. Just please don't.

Ryan Seacrest seemed to bomb in the house. I wonder if it was the same at home. I think he's good at his ten jobs, but they should've either gotten him great writers or had him absolutely not stab at humor.

We all took a shot from a flask of whiskey before our category. Then we lost and, oddly, did not have another.

We don't for a moment expect Cohen to appreciate the allure of a premium snow cougar like Helen Mirren, but we must say we're entirely shocked that he would target the humble Ferrera, whose landmark win represented a significant step towards greater acceptance for heavyset girls, orthodontic patients, poncho wearers, and countless other disenfranchised subgroups. We can only hope Andy's funk dissipates before he allows it to seep into other projects, and interrupts one-balled Top Chef ejectee CJ on a Watch What Happens by shouting, "Oh, who really cares about your Padma crush! We're just going to end up losing next year to The Amazingly Gay Race anyway," before scampering off the set in tears.

• Andy's Blog [BravoTV.com]

(Not actually reported in the article, but probably not far from the truth.) Predictably, Bravo corporate mouthpiece Andy Cohen rushed to the defense of his many equally adored reality show stepchildren, taking particular issue with the way New York's reporter scoffed at the network's policy of banning any contestant-on-contestant diddling:

I thought the article was pretty good and fair... Until I got to what I think is a slam regarding the fact that nobody on these Bravo competish shows are allowed to sex it up together.

Whaaaayt??

I THINK [New York writer Jennifer] Senior was dissing this??? Or was making a sly comment about it? I don't know, but I feel pretty great that under our watch, you ain't allowed to "do it" with another contestant. We're not the "Real World" and we're not checking for STD's and we're just not in that game. If Tabs gets herpes from another hairstylist that I helped cast, how am I gonna sleep at night!? Design all the dresses you want, but screw on your own clock.

We must commend Andy's attempts at preserving the virtue of his extended reality family. If, as he once hinted, he were to accidentally walk in on a gay Runway fourgy, or fail to prevent Shear Genius's Tabatha from taking a wrong turn onto Valtrex Blvd. after one red-wine-fueled night of sensual experimentation with Dr. Boogie, by his own admission, the guilt would keep him from sleeping. It's precisely the kind of high-stress scenario that might send a overtaxed reality exec running for the nearest bottle of Nuit Blanche.

* UPDATE: According to Reality Blurred, Jay McCarroll was just kidding when he claimed he was homeless.

• New York Magazine [Andy's Blog]

The other day I walked past a fellow Bravo employee early in the morning. We did the usual, "Good Morning", "How was the weekend?"...etc. I walked in the offices, and went about my business. But about 15 minutes later, I had to go to the bathroom, which is at the other end of the building near the SNL studios. As I am walking down the hallway yet again, I see the same Bravo employee. Now I feel a little nervous. As we were the only two people in the hallway, I felt obligated to say something. What am I supposed to say this time around? We've already said our "Good Morning" to each other.

So, scared by silence, I spoke up. "Oh, long time no see!" I said. I figured, let's take the humor approach so it loosens things up a little. The response, "ha ha...I know!" Ok great. The employee played along with my intern banter.

About two hours later, I had already seen her 3 more times! I honestly didn't know what to do.

After several clumsy attempts at addressing the awkward situation (including a "Hey...you," an "It's deja-vu all over again!" and the poorly received, "OK, now I'm pretty sure you're stalking me,") young Rich eventually learned that ignoring one's co-worker after the initial morning greeting isn't considered a breach of office etiquette. We look forward to similarly enchanting tales of corporate discovery in the near future, such as the stiff penalties awaiting any unpaid underling who dares to grab the last rice pudding from the commissary before network chieftain Lauren Zalaznick can get to it.

• Rich: Harry Potter and the Hallway [Bravo Interns' Blog]

I am more scattered than usual this morning because of Bravo's big news - NINE EMMY NOMINATIONS! That includes nominations for "Top Chef" and "Project Runway" for Outstanding Reality Competition Program and Kathy Griffin's "Life on the D List" for Best Reality Program. "Inside the Actors Studio" got its 13th nomination for Outstanding Nonfiction Series. Whaaaaaayt!? And... Wowza!!!!!!

There's a great vibe in the office today. Everybody's smiling. The Magical Elves are having a party in their office today. I know that Picture This Productions must be chillaxin' by some pool eating bon bons with Kathy Griffin. Hopefully Jim Lipton is sipping fine whiskey somewhere. We had great emails this morning from Michael Kor's [sic] office and Padma and Gail and on and on. It is nice to have something to cheer about.

Full Release Massages for everybody!

Bravo's reality TV awards show bounty means only one thing—that NYC-based Andy is headed back to our Coast for the ceremony. And wherever Andy goes, so do his portable massage table and toolbox crammed full of perfumed oils, lotions, and water-based lubricants, a vivid reminder that the world's most accessible basic cable exec is fully available to offer Academy members and gym-tautened cater waiters his appreciative reacharound services.

• Great TV [bravotv.com]

2. THE FUTURE LIES IN NUIT BLANCHE! Anyone who reads this blog knows that I love a French Pharmacy because of their liberal over-the-counter policies of pills laced with all sorts of American naughties. My current obsession is Nuit Blanche, a hangover pill laced with codeine and caffeine and I don't even know what else. As I can attest today, two of them in the AM do me just fine. Keep checking this space to see if I become a Nuit Blanche addict - haha! They're legal in France!

While our initial reaction was to question whether Andy should really be announcing his latest love affair with a sedative on his employer's website (he recently described Xanax as a "summertime treat...I love even more than devilled [sic] eggs,") there's no denying his exuberance over the effects of the completely legal French painkillers that he might—haha!—become addicted to. We're almost certain Cohen has the situation completely under control, however, and will only begin to worry if we see a post entitled, "THE FUTURE LIES IN 'GET HIGH OR DIE TRYING' HEROIN", consisting entirely of the letter "m" repeated for several paragraphs—presumably the spot on the keyboard where Andy's head landed after nodding off in a horse-induced stupor.

• Things I Learned On My Vacation [Andy's Blog]

Hi Andy,

I was just watching an episode from Season 6 of "Sex and the City" called "Let There Be Light" and in a scene where Charlotte comes across Carrie trying on shoes in Barney's, the shoe department guy helping Carrie pick out shoes looked exactly like you. But IMDB doesn't have you listed on the episode. Did you get to make a cameo on the show?!

-Anna

HI ANNA. INDEED I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO MAKE TWO (UNCREDITED) APPEARANCES ON "SEX AND THE CITY"! IN ADDITION TO THE EPISODE YOU SAW, THERE'S A SCENE IN SEASON FOUR WHERE I AM STANDING NEXT TO CARRIE BRADSHAW IN A GAY BAR. SHIRTLESS.

We like to imagine those moments on the Sex set were among Andy's first, tantalizing tastes of the showbiz limelight—and quite possibly helped him finally conquer his on-camera nudity issues. It's difficult to imagine, but without that shirtless gay bar scene opposite close personal friend Sarah Jessica Parker, we might never have had the fun of seeing countless dreary Watch It Now episodes devolve into full-frontal striptease performances delivered personally by Cohen for the web-cameras, all in the name of keeping his viewers at home entertained.

• I LOVE GETTING VIEWER MAIL... HERE'S A SAMPLE... [Andy's Blog]

According to a big ad in the Times, there's a "Power Couple" joining the cast of "Chicago". How exciting that Melanie and Antonio are joining the show, huh! Uh oh, it's actually Lisa and Harry.

And by Lisa and Harry, I am talking Rinna and Hamlin. In what continent are they a power couple? Perhaps they are a power couple in Japan, where hideous, butchered, fleshy lips might be considered a Western Delicacy. [...]

Look up 'chemistry' in a global entertainment dictionary. There WON'T be a picture of Harry Hamlin and Lisa RinLips.

Cohen's NBC Universal corporate bosses needn't worry about the implications of publishing his at-times brutal critiques of well-known and beloved entertainers. For one thing, he's highly selective when it comes to dispensing his trademark cattiness—you'll hear nothing but gushing over the network's own talent, such as Shear Genius host Jaclyn Smith, who hasn't had a facial expression since the late 1990s. And should the former Dancing with the Stars hopefuls take his words too closely to heart, Cohen can always smooth over any perceived tensions by taking Lisa RinLips aside and tenderly explaining that when he described her face as "hideous, butchered, and fleshy," he meant it in the most complimentary possible sense.

• Broadway Magic [Andy's Blog]

Like many of you, I find it hard to sleep on Top Chef Day in NYC. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning, so I started the day early at Equinox.

I have something of a black eye because of a sun freckle I had lasered off at my dermo, which again crosses the bounds of TMI. So four people at the gym asked me how I got the black eye. I knew two of the questioners and two were complete strangers. I told the two amigos that my boss hit me. I told the two strangers that it was a long and upsetting story.

I think it is dumb to ask someone you don't know how they got a black eye. "My lover hits me." Is that what you want to hear? Here's another dumb question: "are your parents alive?" What might the payoff be to that question if the answer is "no"?

Kudos to Andy for proudly braving the withering gaze of the Equinox crowd with his "sun-freckle-removal injury" on full display. A lesser blogging TV executive might have wrapped themselves in a babuskha and giant pair of Jackie O.'s, avoiding all eye contact as they silently mounted an elliptical crosstrainer for their morning's cardio regimen.

• Scorcher [Andy's Blog]

Open letters are all the rage. Candy Spelling has written several (to Paris Hilton and Joe Frances [sic]) and posted them on TMZ.com. I feel the time has come for Candy, our nation's conscience, to retire to her wrapping room with a bottle of pinot and write one to Amy Fisher.

I was at CBS when the story was white hot...I was assigned the plum Buttafuoco-beat for the morning show and spent quality time in Mary Jo's living room as she showed me x-rays of her head. Later that wonderful Massapequa morning, I stopped to get my driver's license photo taken at a Long Island DMV. I still have the same photo (with early-90's ponytail, oy vey) and I think of Mary Jo fondly every time I whip out my driver's license. I was always on team-Mary Jo. [...]

I actually don't think sicking [sic] Candy Spelling on her is bad enough punishment...Candy, please put pen to paper. Your words might give us strength at our time of need.

It's rare that one feels palpable outrage from the affable Andy, who chooses his battles wisely, such as the time he called for Jessica Simpson's deployment to Iraq, because "she sucks." However, having once donned a ponytail and personally provided early 90s, touchy-feely advice to the innocent victim of the L.I. Lolita scandal ("I want you to reach deep within you, Mary Jo, to find the inner child who wasn't shot in the head at point blank range by her husband's teenage lover, leaving her incapacitated in a wheelchair..."), we can easily see how Andy felt compelled to angrily address the sociopathic famewhores' rekindled romance, by openly nominating Candy Spelling to write something on the topic.

• Open Letter to Amy Fisher [Andy's Blog]

Yesterday I saw "Spider Man 8" and it was not only the highest opening film in history, it's the biggest piece of crap in history too! It sucks! It's 5 movies in one ... it makes no sense ... is boring ... spidey looks pudgy ... Kirsten Dunst is blah ... it has 4 endings ... and I freaking hated it. Stop the madness.

It really stunk.

We salute the opinionated online diarist for dispensing with showbiz niceties and bluntly stating what a significant portion of disappointed audiences were already thinking. Having made his point, however, we couldn't help but feel Cohen approached overkill when he went on to describe how he spent the rest of his weekend silkscreening 5000 "Stop The Madness" T-shirts in his apartment, each bearing the image of Tobey Maguire's "pudgy" face with a diagonal red line running through it, and plans to take the week off from his Bravo duties in order to stand on a midtown Manhattan street corner hawking the goods until he feels his message has adequately penetrated the public's consciousness.

• What Did You Do This Weekend? [Andy's Blog]

Sir Tim delivered, immediately railing on Sanjaya. He said that, though his hair was "a little less exuberant than normal ... he looked like he belonged with Spanky on 'Our Gang'!"

"People were lined up in droves just to see him. He was a huge draw. He had three rude security guards around him and I literally had to fight to get to the table."

"He's a kid. He's not been out. He doesn't really know how to conduct himself in public yet. He's 17. I wonder where he's gonna be in a year," Tim said.

Sanjaya's date was his mom, and I'm tickled by the notion of Tim Gunn struggling to make conversation with MamaSanjaya. It sounds to me like it was some struggle. Neither Sanjaya nor his mother had ever seen or heard of a little show called "Project Runway."

Despite being a reality-TV-made celebrity, Gunn has always seemed uncommonly gifted at maintaining his own dignity through it all. Our hearts therefore go out to the man for having to endure not just a series of excruciatingly unfunny Nixon impressions, but the ensuing media frenzy surrounding a sissy celebrity who doesn't even possess the most basic pattern-making skills—forcing him, we imagine, to modify his trademarked catchphrase to an exasperated, "Make it stop."

• Sir Tim Does DC and Sanjaya! [BravoTV.com]