While chatting with burgeoning gay icon Levi Johnston, on his show Cohen asked the kid if he would pose nude. He said he would "for the right money." Now Cohen said on the air that Johnston shouldn't do it, and he's young and he'll have the chance to make "more than $25,000 in his life." Don't be so sure.

Hey, Andy, don't get in between us and what's in Levi's Levis. The future of our happiness depends depends on us seeing the Alaskan hunk working his hockey stick on camera.

The $25,000 figure didn't come out of the blue. Last week not only did Unzipped magazine (the gay playboy) offer to pay Jonhston (an undisclosed amount) for a naked cover, but also Bait & Tackle, a media company that owns the website Straight College Men [NSFW, unless you work in a gay bordello] offered Johnston 25 large if he would come to Las Vegas and jerk off on camera for the site.

We called both companies to see if they have had any luck getting this hot commodity, and neither immediately responded to phone calls. Levi, listen to us. Don't listen to Cohen. This is the best thing you can do for your future. Do the porn, Levi. Walk into the light.

And that wasn't the only surprise on the show. Anderson Cooper, the straightest man in the universe also called in to talk about wigs, the Real Housewives of Atlanta, and his penchant for Latin boys. Actually it was only the first two. At one point, Cohen said, "Anderson, you've come out publicly..." and we thought for a second "Wait, Andy Cohen is going to fucking out Anderson Cooper on basic cable!" Then he continued, "come out publicly in your support of NeNe." Oh, damn. No out. But yet again, we didn't hear a gayer thing all day yesterday, and we watched three and a half hours of Project Runway.

Among the descriptions of series regulars is this one:

[CHAD DECKER] 28 years old, an Anderson Cooper wannabe, he's a newscaster with BBN, based in New York City. Amoral, ambitious, and a little slippery, Chad is intent on getting to the top of his profession in a big hurry. The kind of man who sleeps with the Vice President's press secretary in order to gain entree, Chad gets the Ultimate Source when he is tapped by Anna to become her steady outlet for information (propaganda) about the Visitors. Too ambitious to realize that he's going to become an unpaid sycophant, Chad doesn't question his good luck...SERIES REGULAR (3)

We suppose this would be an appropriate moment to voice our gnawing concerns about the real Anderson Cooper, who's always struck us as just a little too slick, a little too everywhere at once, a little too staring at John King with a hungry look in his eye that reads, "Hm. You'd be tasty in a Moroccan tagine, my little Magic Wall-mastering friend." That said, we nominate Mad Men's John Slattery—a smidge too old, but really the only silver-haired, dreamy-eyed, rodent-chugging himbo we could possibly picture in the part.

• Meet The Characters Of ABC's New V Pilot!! [AICN]

We did make sure to tune in for a few minutes of CNN's unlikely Times Square correspondent team, with Anderson Cooper once again playing glass-closeted Dean Martin to Kathy Griffin's fag-hag Jerry Lewis. They seemed to be having a gay old time in the sub-zero temperatures—in the few minutes we caught leading up to the ball-drop, Kathy was pledging to pull Anderson's pants down at the stroke of midnight, and her scandalized partner was giggling with delight. Yup, it all seemed under control.

Apparently we missed the money-shot, however, which involved Griffin shouting back to an off-camera heckler, "You know, I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!" as the show cut to commercial. Will this remark hasten the end of the Cooper & Griffin comedy era? Probably, but we hope not. In fact, they'd be smart to dump the atrociously unfunny D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, and give these two the slot—maybe promoted ad nauseam with the tagline, "The Best Heckler-Shaming Team on Television."

For contrast, we flipped channels between that and ABC to watch Dick Clark's final Rockin' Eve address. Getting old sucks. Happy 2009, Dick. You're a legend, and as far as we're concerned you should be able to ring in the New Year as long as you want to, even if you're just a brain suspended in a ball jar with an LED crawl underneath relaying your wishes that we have "the rockingest 2047 ever!"

Entertainment Weekly assisted the actor in his trick, recruiting the How I Met Your Mother cast to act out 2008's biggest moments (captured below). Will Harris's scheme vault him ahead of NeNe? Watch out, Doogie: the Atlanta housewife isn't afraid to get dirty.

• 'How I Met Your Mother' Cast In 'The Best of 2008' [EW]

In a talk with UInterview, the Real House-less star revealed that her misinformed, reciprocal crush still burns:

Q: I heard that Anderson Cooper is obsessed with you. How do you feel about him?

A: I’m obsessed with him, honey. I would ask him out even while I’m married! I’ve already told my husband, if I see Anderson, honey, it’s over! You know, he’s real good lookin’! There's something about the way he looks when he's reporting the news. He reports the news with a twinkle in his eyes. Something about it him is just like, ‘Stop it, Anderson! Whatever it is your doin', Stop!’ I like him a lot!

While we have no doubt that an Anderson/NeNe meetup would produce more giggles than the time the CNN anchor appeared on Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List, somehow we're betting it won't lead to any broken marriages. NeNe, if you're truly intent on keeping it real, why not send him Dwight instead?

• Real Housewives' NeNe [UInterview]

At first, Cooper's pick-up technique was shopworn: what do you do, what are your parents like, where did you grow up, etc. (We assume the question/declarative statement "Did you see that Real Housewives reunion special? NeNe brought it!" was left on the cutting room floor). Eventually, Phelps consented to split a taxi with the older man, though he continued to issue one-word responses, letting Cooper know he was "really tired," hint hint. Of Phelps's yawns, a butt-hurt Cooper whined, "I'll try not to take those personally." Dude, don't queer the deal — you're almost there!

Sadly, though Cooper wormed his way into Phelps's apartment, consummation was not to be had — but at least Phelps treated him to a friendly breakfast the day after. Still, Cooper had one more trick up his short-sleeve: doffing his shirt! All that gym work was finally going to pay off (and, hopefully, supplant the Coop's old shirtless clip on YouTube). Ultimately, Phelps paid little attention, though to many in the 60 Minutes audience, the program's Cialis commercials suddenly became superfluous. Let's just be glad they didn't send Steve Kroft.

• 60 Minutes [CBS]

When Bravo figurehead Andy Cohen related an email sent by viewer "Murtice, from Oakland" inquiring about Kim's suspicious hairdo, the Housewife collapsed into a dizzy-making story about how she only had to wear a wig because she had... well, if someone else would like to say "cancer," then she'll go with that. However, after milking what little sympathy she could out of a stone-faced, skeptical NeNe, Cohen pressed Kim further, forcing her to relate a breakdown at Chili's (!) where she discovered that actually, she never had cancer in the first place. It's a fictional miracle! Videogum's got the clip:

• The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Does Not Have Cancer [Videogum]

“I’m not surprised that Anderson Cooper is talking about me! Wouldn’t you talk about me? I’m not surprised. Anderson Cooper is gorgeous. He is THE silver fox, and I just wish he’d come over on this side of the street.

Is Leakes merely inviting Cooper to take a sun-dappled, leafy stroll through the ATL, or is she subtly implying that Cooper is more likely to stick to the side of the street that has a Kiehl's superstore and a 2-for-1 special at Splash? Though Leakes is cagey enough to pre-empt a rash of "NeNe Outs HoMo" headlines, we're just going to assume that when she made that statement, her cleavage winked ostentatiously.

• NeNe: 5 Ways Housewives Has Changed My Life [People]

Leakes told me her phone didn't stop ringing and the text messages didn't stop coming from friends and family who were watching Ellen at the time. "I told my husband, 'You know Anderson Cooper? He spoke about me,' " Leakes said. "And he said, 'Anderson Cooper? The guy with the white hair? No, he didn't!' We think it's great. We love it."

...Leakes quickly forgave Cooper for mispronouncing her name (it's NeeNee, not NayNay), and now can't help imagine the fun times she thinks she could have with the silver fox. "I would just talk to him and keep it real," she said, adding, "Let's just get down and dirty and talk about whatever."

Then she laughed, "I'd wear a nice little top, since he's talking about my chest. I don't know if he's had any brown sugar."

From what we've heard, it's his favorite! Good luck with your mission to lure Anderson into a cleavage-baring date, NeNe. Just remember: no holograms. He hates those.

• 
  Attention, Anderson Cooper: Please Call NeNe! [E!]

· "We're joined now, uh, via hologram, uh, with, by, uh, Will.i.am," Cooper begins, clearly thinking, "I'm missing the Bravo Real Housewives marathon for this?"

· Will.i.am is beamed in with a Star Trek transporter beam special effect. Cooper stares uncertainly into the middle distance because he cannot see the person he's interviewing, which is a tremendous new innovation.

· "All this technology, I'm being beamed to you like it's Star Wars and stuff," says Will.i.am. Not to pull a Liz Lemon, but, uh, Trek.

· Cooper corrects him: "It's basically exactly like Star Trek." Thank you, Anderson. Willi.i.am's cogent response: "Yeah, but...yeah."

· "Will, we're doing this interview with you this way because it's a lot quieter than having you in that crowd [in Chicago]. It's very hard to hear in this crowd," Cooper lies.

· As Willi.i.am rambles on about the "Yes We Can" song, Cooper mentally composes an angry email to the CNN producer who let his boo Donna Brazile go off to ABC so they could spend her hair and makeup budget making a hologram out of the man who produced "My Humps."

· "Will.i.am, I appreciate you being with us tonight via hologram," concludes Cooper. Will.i.am thanks him, says, "Check it out," and then does The Worm.

· Cooper takes an awkward pause, collects himself, and says, "All right."

• Anderson Cooper 360 [CNN]

• Ellen

OUT: And they love a gay cohost over there at Regis and Kelly. You, Sam Champion, Anderson Cooper...
NPH: Mmmmmmmm. Anderson. He’s dreamy. Just dreamy...

...I’ve been a fan of his since season 1 of The Mole. I just thought he was so cool when he talked in this cool, low, secret-agent voice — “If you can accomplish this task...” Listen, no one can tell anyone how big their steps should be or when they can take them. You can take issue with someone making overtly denying statements, and you can take issue with people straight-up presenting themselves as someone that they’re not...But again — to speak to the public nature of things — it is in our capacity to respect the job descriptions that people have separate from the life that they live. And I don’t care about the person on the news…I literally tune in to hear the news. I might find them dreamy, but I don’t really need to know much more about them.

A suggestion for Joss Whedon: once you're finished leaking animated Buffy clips to the next, might we suggest a new musical number for the inevitable Dr. Horrible 2? Make it a love duet, sung between NPH's Dr. Horrible and the new apple of his eye: the villainous, silver-haired Thief of Hearts.

• A Man's Man [Out Magazine]

While most of the marketing of HDTV is targeted towards cinemaphiles and sports enthusiasts, there certainly is an net-positive end benefit for connossieurs of news programs to plunk down the $2 grand or so it takes to upgrade to hi-def. Not only does the medium allow viewers to be more sufficiently stimulated on both the visual and audio fronts, this blogger would argue that it makes the viewer more likely to actually absorb and process the information that the program is trying to relay. For instance, in Bush's War, the visual clarity of the footage that was shot in Iraq (not to mention the haunting stills from 9/11) resonates within your head and your heart in a way that traditional, low-def TV cannot possibly compete with.

Which is why we are so surprised that the venerable news division of CBS has staunchly refused to upgrade their flagship show, 60 Minutes, into HD. Sure, no one wants to see Andy Rooney's nose hairs in 1080p, but we're pretty sure they could gauze up their lenses in such a way that everyone's favorite cantankerous crankypants could look as good as Cybill Shepherd did on Moonlighting. But there's no denying that the rest of the show could really use the upgrade. Take last Sunday's segment where Anderson Cooper got in goal to try and stop David Beckham's patented bendy kicks, for example. Since the show has already acquiesced to lowering their journalistic standards to a point where they can justify interviewing someone as vapid and meaningless in our country as David Beckham, why not go the extra mile and take their visual presentation to the next level? We're sure it has something to do with cost, but that excuse quickly flies out the window when you consider that the budget and funding-challenged PBS can afford to do so. So, Sean McManus, the gauntlet has now been thrown. You already have a last-placed news show on your hands, so why not invest the extra $$$ necessary to make the strides to save the last remaining audience members you have left?

RELATED (but not really): 5 Ways In Which The Hills is JUST LIKE An Antonioni Film [Spout]

We honestly don't know who at CNN had the brass cojones to sign off on the pairing of Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper to host their 2008 countdown festivities, but if this seven-minute clip is any indication, we just may have witnessed the birth of a New Year's Eve tradition. Like a glass-closeted Dean Martin and fag-hag Jerry Lewis, Griffin & Cooper elevated the art of ball-drop-anticipatory comedic banter to new heights. (Kathy: "My balls are freezing." Anderson: "We have some eggnog in the truck." Kathy: "Well I've got to watch my figure— I'm not like you." Anderson: "Don't worry, I'm not watching your figure either." *Gay rimshot!*)

We know we've had issues with Griffin's act before, but we think the addition of the twinkly-eyed CNN anchor to the mix was exactly the dash of dashing deadpan needed to make her "Which candidates would you most like to see waterboarded?"-brand of comedy go down a little more easily.

• Kathy Griffin & Anderson Cooper New Year's Eve - 3 [YouTube via Towleroad]

When Robin Williams is a guest on any program, hilarity is sure to ensue! Okay, that statement hasn't been true since some point in the late seventies when the entire country was suffering through an epic Quaalude binge. But his recent appearance with Anderson Cooper at least provides Anderson with a few chuckles. We're not sure what's so funny, but maybe Anderson knows something that we don't.

Hmm. Oh yes. Jack-o-lantern indeed.

Pictured in Sunday's post is named Marco. He's a 'trainer' at Equinox on Greenwich. The quotes around 'trainer' are completely gratuitous and apropo of nothing, but they seem appropriate given the parties concerned.

Please don't use my name. I'd like to keep working out at the gayest gym in America.

Earlier: Anderson Cooper's 360 Degrees of Hotness: The Breakdown

We're pleased to note that Anderson's ambiguous sexual charisma is at least as important as his education, but somewhat surprised that the lead point of reference is not his blue eyes, but his blue blood. Though it's a fine thing that his ability as a journalist ranks near the bottom of the pile, since the actual journalism can safely be left to the network's tough bald bastard.

Earlier: Craigslist's Missed Connections: The Breakdown