Watch as the nearly incomprehensible Winehouse lays down sick rhymes, like "Listen. I can write ten raps a night, it don't matter, but you know that it's tight." She also describes herself as a "Jewmaican."

She did this all with the singer Zalon, who really should have stopped her.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

The trend ticked upward this afternoon when a Huntington Beach rehab facility sent word that it's ready, willing and able to accommodate celebrity meltdowns — even if it means treating Amy Winehouse for free. A representative for something called Shore Break Drug Rehab extended its deal of the decade to Winehouse and jailed/estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil (via Defamer, natch, because we'relikethis with the couple), inviting them to settle in for bit of short-term detox "at no cost to them or their family." No cost?!? What's the catch? Well, you have to actually stay at Shore Break Drug Rehab, which is so popular among the A-list burnout set that its press releases read like coupons:

Ms. Winehouse has been a regular figure in tabloids and news reports and there are several rumors currently circling around the internet about her drug use. Recent photos and videos of her show a haggard and malnourished individual.

Shore Break Drug Rehab is worried about her wellbeing, and doesn't want to see her go the way of so many other young celebrities and musicians like Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison.

Shore Break Drug Rehab wants to offer Ms. Winehouse and her husband a private luxury room for them to share, close proximity to the beach, and free services for a month. They are being offered luxury accommodations at a very private and secure gated facility well appointed with swimming pools, hot tubs, exercise rooms, and a private musician's studio and recording space specifically designed for Shore Break's Musician's Rehab.

Anyone interested should contact [redacted] for immediate assistance. If Mrs. Winehouse should see this please have her call, we will happy to arrange transportation for her.

Well, then! We'll pass it along. Good luck!

• Shore Break Drug Rehab

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

[Photo Credits: MTV/Mark Mainz, X17, Splash]

"I guess they are going for clean-cut and boring. When I do release mine – and I am tempted to do it on the same day – this would be the bigger hit. If they change their minds, I’m waiting!”

...She added, “I do think they could have waited a bit. If they want a worldwide hit, I have them all up here [pointing to her beehive]."

Reportedly, Winehouse's Bond theme is only hamstrung by her inability to settle on a name; having found that the existing Bond titles "Die Another Day" and "All Time High" hit too close to home, she's settled on three potential options: "Speedball," "MoonBlaaaaker," and "Cunts Like Kanye."

• Amy's Bond revenge [New Magazine]

Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, producers of the highly anticipated 22nd James Bond adventure Quantum of Solace, announced today that multi-Grammy Award-winning and platinum selling recording artists Jack White of the rock band The White Stripes, and Alicia Keys, have recorded the theme song for the film, which will be released worldwide this November.

Their song, written and produced by Jack White, and titled "Another Way to Die," will be the first duet in Bond soundtrack history. In addition to writing the song, Jack White is also featured as the drummer on this track.

Already, we can feel Bond fans clutching Walther PPKs to their bosoms, moaning that the duo isn't fit to join the hallowed ranks of Bond interpreters like Sheena Easton, A-Ha, and Rita Coolidge. Will Keys be able to give White's rock and roll nursery rhymes some Bond-ian grandeur, or will the pair crash and burn, leaving 007 producers no other choice but to approach the film's one true muse: Miley Cyrus?

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• 'Another Way To Die' [Bondmovies.com]

• Amy Gets Waxed [ONTD]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

During her recent post-emphysema performance at the Glastonbury Music Festival, Winehouse not only punched a fan in the head, she also called Kanye West a cunt! Actually, according to NME, first she asked, "Are there any black people in the crowd?" Then she continued, "Let's hear it for Jay-Z. The man has got bollocks to come here, and play the tunes you don't even know you remember. Imagine if it was a cunt like Kanye West. 'Cunts Like Kanye' - that should be his next album title." Kind of a rambling, unfocused insult, but an insult nonetheless.

As we've seen, Kanye's not one to take this kind of thing lying down, so naturally he had to respond on his blog. And here's his witty retort: "Amy Whinehouse [sic] hates me!!! Now I've really made it!!! LOL!!!!" Despite the creative name-spelling and ample use of exclamation points, it seems like Kanye is simply brushing the dirt off his shoulder here. Particularly surprising from someone who wrote a thousand-page-long treatise after getting a bad review from Entertainment Weekly. And they didn't even use the c-word. Snooze.

• Amy Winehouse 'punches' fan at Glastonbury [NME]
• THIS JUST IN... AMY WHINEHOUSE HATES ME!!! NOW I'VE REALLY MADE IT!!! LOL!!!! [Kanye West Blog]

The story involving Lohan is hardly new, and appears to be taken directly from last year's suspect News Of The World feature in which one of Lohan's cohorts turned over a tape allegedly showing Lohan snorting lines at Teddy's. The item, accompanied by grainy stills from the tape which have yet to convince us Lindsay's the girl peer pressuring everyone around her into joint key bumps, did provide a classic Lindsay quote: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law!" Funny. And sad, because of just how funny that objective would be today. As for the other excerpts, Johnny Depp is the actor who said he'd spent most of his life in a fog, but his comments on cocaine and all the "teeth-grinding" that came with it were made in retrospect during a 2001 interview with The Guardian. The star who relied on the drug socially? Shockingly (!), Elton John. Who provided the book's quote to the LAT back in 1992. And guess what? Robin Williams, believe it or not, was once fond of the same drug! Too bad that news is so old Williams was still using the memory of it to plug movies to People in 1988.

The book's authors also promise revelations from the secretly drug-filled lives of Whitney Houston, Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, and George Michael. But rather than sit around in heated anticipation of the day you can waste $28.95 on the hardcover, we'll give you the Cliff's Notes:
Whitney Houston: "Crack is whack."
Amy Winehouse: "They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no."
George Michael: "Why can't I set my monkey free?"
Courtney Love: "im sur ei am quite Nuerotic."
[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• DOPE STYLES OF THE BOLD-FACES [NYP]

Earlier: Rolling Stone Writer Convinces Us That Amy Winehouse Is Going To Die

Conceptual Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Latarian Milton

It's not just because she has emphysema, though that obviously doesn't help. It's because she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, and is so far from admitting to any addiction that attempts to help her would be futile. Not that anyone is actually trying to help her, mind you. Hoffman writes, "at Winehouse's place, there's no publicist or manager to be seen, no crisis-management squad deployed to save one of the decade's most successful female vocalists from public shame. That's not Winehouse's style — it's just her and a girlfriend. British singer Remi Nicole pores over the paper, annoyed, telling her friend that all this scandal has to stop."

And even the construction of that sentence: no publicist, manager or crisis management squad — what about the people who actually care about her? Are there any of them out there? At this point, even Britney Spears' famewhoring family swooped in and wrested control of Britney's life and finances. Meanwhile, Amy's parents are talking to the Daily Mail instead of their daughter. And still, with her health in serious danger, Amy breezily says things like, "I've never been to rehab, I mean, done it properly…I'm young, and I'm in love, and I get my nuts off sometimes. But it's never been like, 'Amy, get your life together. '"

But even if someone locked Amy up in rehab, she'd have to want to get better. And the following exchange between Amy and Remi Nicole makes me realize she probably never will. "'I want to fall in love like Amy,'" says Nicole. 'I think I've been in love before.' Winehouse lifts her head: 'No, no, if you had, you'd be dead because you weren't together.'" She's so caught up in the utterly idiotic, sophomoric romantic notion of a Romeo and Juliet love affair, that she's destined for the same star-cross'd fate.

"Up All Night With Amy Winehouse" [Rolling Stone]

Earlier: Amy Winehouse Diagnosed With Emphysema

Graduated With Honors: It may have taken them two or twelve attempts, but so far Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Keith Urban appear to be holding steady after their most recent rehab stints. After promptly driving while wearing cokepants two weeks post-Promises last summer, Lindsay's stay at the trendy Le Cirque led her into the loving lesbian arms of Sam Ronson, the nipple-baring cover of NY Magazine, and out of the vapid Living Lohan spotlight. Britney Spears struck out at three different centers early last year only to wind up spending most of her winter strapped to gurneys, but ever since being treated for “bipolar disorder” at UCLA, the comeback queen has gone an entire three months without dropping a single baby or exchanging fishnets with a single bimbo. As for soon-to-be-dad and onesie expert Keith Urban, the former freebaser’s stay in an unknown center months after marrying Nicole Kidman has proven successful so far, though he is approaching his one-year anniversary since Rehab Stay Number 1. But surely the arrival of a bundle of batface joy will keep him on the straight and narrow.

Wild Cards: First-timers Eva Mendes and Kirsten Dunst both tried to mend their respective drug, booze, depression, and “method acting” vices at Le Cirque this year, but only time will tell if Eva’s so-called research will show its Oscar-worthy face on-screen. As for Dunst, AA classes haven’t stopped the onslaught of gossip claiming the shaky star is still wobbling her way around New York and perfecting her drunk faces of yore. And then there’s our favorite alcohol-snorting songstress Amy Winehouse, who’s tried out so many rehab centers we stopped counting long ago. Sometimes sane on the stage, sometimes making out with Pete Doherty, we can’t even look away from her ever-growing beehive long enough to ponder her chances of success.

Newest Students: Last month Steven Tyler checked in to Las Encinas, suggesting even the glamorous druggie rocker crowd hasn’t entirely cleaned up its act despite Mick Jagger’s immortal hips and Keith Richards’ indestructible face, but spending only three weeks in the slammer and blaming the stay on “foot pain” lead us to believe Tyler’s ongoing love affair with rehab centers isn’t quite over yet. Which leads us to Heather and Shawn. As Us reports, Locklear’s mysterious March evening of 911 calls and denials wasn’t as innocent as her rep claimed at the time. Denise Richards’ personal doormat is said to be dealing with “anxiety and depression” at an in-patient facility, while Larry King’s latest trophy of ten years is allegedly headed to rehab for munching on Generation Rx’s candy of choice: painkillers.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• TOO MUCH PAIN [NY Post]
• HEATHER LOCKLEAR IN REHAB FOR ANXIETY, DEPRESSION [Us]

• George Michael, 75-minute concert on New Year's eve, 2007, for nickel billionaire Vladimir Potanin. Price: $3.5 million
• Rihanna, 40-minute show for billionaire Oleg Deripaska on New Year's eve, 2008. Price: $500,000.
• Jennifer Lopez, 40-minute birthday party show for billionaire Andrei Melnichenko in April, 2007. Price: $1.2 million.
• Christina Aguilera, three songs at Andrei Melnichenko's wedding in September, 2005. Price: $3.6 million.
• And to put it all over the top, Madonna is reportedly considering an offer from "an unnamed Dubai-based tycoon" for a one-night private performance. Price: $10 million.

Fortunately, you can still hire Pat DiNizio of The Smithereens to play in your living room for $2,000.

"We got a tie-dyed jumpsuit thing that we really like," he said backstage...When reporters told him it was likely a ‘onesie,’ Urban...looked puzzled and asked, "A what?"

Well now that he’s learned a thing or two about newborn attire, we have a few parenting lessons for Keith ourselves, from singing his baby to sleep (something he’s already proven skilled at!), to the difference between a Diaper Genie and a Drug Dealer:

Now that Keith has the semantics of onesies down, he ought to learn the following necessary new-dad terms as well:
Bugaboo: Though Urban might mistake the term for the feeling he used to get after a long night of inhaling long white lines during which he felt certain that blood-sucking bugs were crawling all over his body. In fact, the Bugaboo is the elite baby stroller of choice among stars.
Lullaby: No doubt, Keith already knows how to croon fans, and his wife, to la la land. But we do suggest he avoid his own hit singles such as "Tonight I Wanna Cry" or "Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me?" Most importantly, should the Kidman-Urbanlet be of the male persuasion, "Stupid Boy" is most certainly not the wisest choice.
Diaper Genie: In the music community, a diaper genie would be an ingenious kind of groupie who could save singers like Fergie when they just gotta go when they gotta go, or maybe Amy Winehouse, who could store her drugs inside a custom Coke Diaper instead of her sweater while performing. But unfortunately for Keith, diaper genies in baby world are simply very smelly machines used to discard used infant undies, or in the case of the Kidman-Urban household, dirty tie-dyed onesies.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• KEITH URBAN 'LEARNING A NEW VOCABULARY': BABY TALK [People]

1. Buying crack on the street: Tatum O'Neal—as we mentioned earlier, celebrities should all certainly have private, high-class connections to make discreet deliveries to their door. Buying rocks off the street is for the poors.

2. Calling the police while you do coke: Boy George—the singer made a frantic 911 call saying his home was being burglarized, only to be arrested on a drug charge after the cops found an eight-ball in his apartment when they showed up to investigate. Needless to say: do not call the police while you do coke. Christ.

3. Allowing yourself to be videotaped smoking crack: Amy Winehouse—the crazy British beehive badass got arrested after a tape of her smoking the rock was "passed to Scotland Yard." Shouldn't they be investigating mysterious murders in locked rooms, or something? In any case, if you're going to smoke crack, and you are a very famous person, be sure to do it with no recording devices present. (This goes for regular cameras too, Kate Moss).

4. Annoying your relatives so much they sell you out: Whitney Houston—The singer went so crazy on crack that her sister-in-law Tina Brown, herself a former crackhead, staged an intervention. By selling embarassing photos of Whitney's coke-strewn house to the National Enquirer! Lesson: your relatives are greedy bastards quick to stab you in the back to make a buck, so be sure to take care of them financially before they call the tabloids.

5. Fighting the police: Christian Slater—It's bad enough to be arrested by the police. Getting your ass kicked by them is even more embarrassing. Particularly when you act like a lunatic while doing so. Cue Christian Slater, 1997: the floppy-haired actor, bingeing on coke, beat his girlfriend at a party, bit a man, and then, "When the police arrived, Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, 'the Germans are coming and they will kill us!'" Don't do that.

Helluva drug.

During a break from recording her next album with uber-producer and future Lindsay Lohan brother-in-law Mark Ronson, Winehouse relaxed in a park with friends in the middle of the day during a rare sun-filled afternoon across the pond. And her friends had no problem depositing their bundle of joy in her bony arms, which is initially a comforting sight. Until one "male friend" offered Amy a mid-day shot, which she guzzled down one-handed while her other hand was busy propping the baby on her hip. And she didn't stop at boozing; observers say she was in between smoke breaks as well. But really, who could resist an afternoon shot of "melon-flavoured Midori"? We could be right in the middle of a nursery school sing-a-long and still find it difficult to resist such a fruity-sounding mood enhancer.

[Photo credit: Xposure via Daily Mail ]

• WOULD YOU LET AMY WINEHOUSE HOLD YOUR BABY WHILE KNOCKING BACK SHOTS? [Daily Mail]

News broke of Moss and Hince's engagement in October, and while a date has yet to be set, the lovebirds have been spotted in How Dare You! paparazzi photos recently, as Moss feigns shock and disgust upon spotting shutterbugs capturing her unbridled love on camera. First, the two were caught dining outdoors in full view of passersby...

And then paps saw the (shocked and annoyed!) pair out and about on the streets of London at night, seemingly in the middle of an argument. We suspect Jamie was taunting Kate for wearing that same damn fur coat she used to swish around with during her Petey days...

And finally, the "vampire" photo in question, which, in our humble and not so modest opinion, looks like an innocent slip of the tongue on what most women's magazines will have you know is an "erotic zone" or some such rubbish like that. But can Kate's impressive tongue, drama-filled street fights and erratic choice in boyfriends really result in a fairy tale come true this time? We'll be keeping our ears peeled in between practicing Kate's oral maneuver on various aghast randos this week:

[Photo Credits: Splash News]

• KATE MOSS SUPERMODEL JAMIE HINCE COULD BE VAMPIRES [The Sun]

"It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger...Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It's insane."

Now this is just sad. We have to side with Sarah and echo her "Wow!" considering the gorgeous faces deemed sexier than SJP by the in-need-of-glasses folks at Maxim. True, they did come out with their list before Amy's face became rampant with impetigo last week, but Amy wasn't exactly photogenic before scabs took over her face. And Sandra? She's definitely cute, but when it comes to "sexy," she's not tightening the trousers of any guys we know. Then there's Madonna's thoroughly cut, but intimidating, biceps, and well, you know, Britney Spears of late. We're not typically ones to side with a mildly insulted millionaire in tears, but in this case, we're on Team Parker.

• SJP MIFFED AT MAXIM [PageSix.com]
• SARAH JESSICA VOTED 'UNSEXIEST WOMAN' BY MAXIM [Celebitchy]

According to Showbiz Spy, Amy and Kelly were hanging out with Kimberly Stewart and Winehouse producer Mark Ronson at London's Bungalow 8, where the crew quickly grew tired of same-old same-old rounds of shots (20 of them? Yawn!). So what to do next? According to a source, Amy "covered one nostril, tilted her head back and sucked the vodka shot down her open nostril through a straw. 'She threw back her head and reeled in shock and everyone around her looked stunned.'" (We don't think the UN will be too pleased upon reading this, eh?) But before you rush home to play with your friends, be wary of Showbiz Spy's helpful warning: "The game is particularly dangerous because it gets alcohol absorbed directly into the bloodstream." Not to worry though, we're pretty sure that's the point!

• AMY WINEHOUSE HORRIFIES FRIENDS AFTER SNORTING SHOTS OF VODKA [Showbiz Spy]