1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

To be fair, Mischa—recently out of the crazy bin—is almost the worst part of this new soap, followed closely by Elle Macpherson (looking haggard and acting even worse), but the rest of it managed to be pretty and moody and different and fun! The first scene alone was awesome just for being visually interesting and advancing the action of an all-out model war without being hammy or heavy-handed. Don't get us wrong, it's no Mad Men or The Wire, but the premiere far outdid the new Melrose Place.

Life (sorry, CW, no matter how hard you try, we are not going to let TBL happen) is a bit like Gossip Girl for a slightly older crowd, but with less money and more drugs. Barton plays Sonja, a super model who is on her way out thanks to taking a few months off (we find out later that she ran off to have a baby). Her spotlight is stolen in the first scene by Raina, who also steals the heart of Chris, an Iowa farm boy who gets discovered by a smarmy model agent while on vacation in New York. Chris faces off against Cole, a nasty little model who doesn't want to be unseated as the king of all Blue Steel. Also with the blues,High School Musical's Corbin Bleu is Isaac, a former child model who wants to be a DJ but settles for being a gigolo (three very stable career choices there, Isaac) and Marissa is just hot and British. They all live together in a model house, except Sonja who has money of her own.

But this was a great first episode, quickly establishing the characters and their motives, cluing us in on the secrets to come, engaging in some bitchy duplicity, and having enough sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll to make us come back. Also, it's shot in a great style, that is full of the glamorous darkness that isn't often found outside of nightclubs and fashion magazines.

The show got about 1.5 million viewers which isn't too shabby for the CW, but it lost half of it's America's Next Top Model lead in. Did anyone else check it out? Should we start giving this thing the full recap treatment, or just leave it by the wayside as another fun trifle that can't keep our attention for that long (we're looking at you new 90210)?

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Oh phew. Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen will not be the last you'll see of acorn-faced Shia LaBeouf and his robot pals. Transformers 3: Fall of the Risen (or whatever) has secured a premiere date: July 1st, 2011. Of course by then the world be a sand-blasted junkyard of bones and teeth, a cold diseased sea lapping at scorched shores. But at least we'll have Megan Fox once again changing oil in her denim underpants. [Variety]

Jesse Eisenberg, from The Squid & the Whale and the upcoming Adventureland, will be playing poet Allen Ginsberg in an ensemble movie about a beatnik murder. This is likely the only time that Jesse Eisenberg will be competing with James Franco. [Variety] Meanwhile, Confucius say: "Please let area badass Chow Yun-fat play me in a biopic." Done! [Variety]

Sam Neill is joining the cast of that show Happy Town, about a secretly murderous little burg, playing the owner of a movie-paraphernalia shoppe. Full of dinosaurs!!!! [THR] The CW will have more opportunities to cast their "everyone under 5'7", please" version of America's Next Top Former Modeling Show Reality Star. They're redoing the New York auditions, after a stampede ruined it for everyone. [THR]

Catherine Hardwicke, once lauded for films like Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown, sold her soul to direct the Twilight chaste vampire goo fest, and is now adapting another YA klassic. Maxium Ride is about, shit you not, a group of teens who are half-human, half-bird. They are called the Flock. They are pursued by a group of half-human, half-wolf creatures. They are called Erasers. So. [THR]

The Writers' Guild of America is cutting 10% of its 185 employees, citing their $2 million operating deficit. So now WGA employees can join all those in their guild who are unemployed. [Variety] Meanwhile, the Weinsteins are spending money again! Recession over! They just snapped up Nowhere Boy, a movie about a young John Lennon. So good for them. Good for everyone. Except those 18.5 people up there. Sucks. [Variety]

Brad Pitt's Plan B production house will be cobbling together a screen version of John LeCarre's spy novel The Night Manager, Paramount will co-produce. [Variety] Meanwhile J.J. Abrams will produce a film version of an upcoming Wired magazine article about a diamond heist. [Variety]

See if you can pick out the transgender among the kewpie-doll contestants. They didn't say there's a transgender in there, but c'mon—Tyra loves surprises! (Our money's on Martha Plimpton.)

Cycle 12 premieres March 4th on The CW.

• ANTM [The CW]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

The show has yet to get picked up by the CW, but expect a "feel-good" vibe that's a contrast to the way the Js cut down wannabe models on ANTM. CW president Dawn Ostroff says these guys root for women: "Jay is your parent in tough love. He tells you the way it is, but only because he wants you to be the best you can be. As much as Miss J criticizes and rolls his eyes, deep down, he's just looking for the girl who can get it done."

Jay Manuel, who grew up in Toronto and has been a stylist for Tyra, Jennifer Lopez, Iman, Rebecca Romijn and David Bowie, says: "We like working with real women too. We want them to feel good about themselves. We aren't giving them makeovers on Operation Fabulous. I actually hate the word 'makeover.' We're teaching them to enhance and maintain what they've already got." Eh, sounds like a makeover.

But what about 6'4", 37 inch inseam J. Alexander — who was born Alexander Jenkins in the South Bronx and "plucked from obscurity" to model for Jean Paul Gaultier, then landed jobs in Tokyo and France, where he now resides and speaks fluent French? His entire life is a makeover, no?

And here's the real question: Isn't the makeover make better genre pretty saturated? Tim Gunn, Stacey and Clinton, Style By Jury, Extreme Makeover, The Swan… Haven't we seen it all? Especially when it comes to gay men telling women how to be "better" women? On the other hand, the Js are… different. Ostroff says when she first got a load of them in 2003, for the first season of Top Model, "They truly were unlike anything we'd seen on TV, refreshing and hilarious."

'Top Model' Duo Gets A 'Fabulous' Spinoff [LA Times]

Related: Nikki Blonsky: Airport Brawl With Top Model Left Me Completely Destroyed

"My Girlfriend Got Fat And I Find Her Less Attractive Now." from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Now we have 90210. And, new on the CW: Privileged. As Robert Bianco writes for USA Today: "What an odd America CW inhabits. As far as CW is concerned these days, we all live in a land where most everyone is white, wealthy and incredibly, well, privileged." But one of the most popular shows on the CW has a diverse mix of racial and socio-economic backgrounds, with men, women, blacks, whites, Latins, gays, straights and "fiercees" all working together: America's Next Top Model.

It's not strange that Tyra's show appeals to women of all demographics — my mom loves it, and it definitely has a strong teen following — because it's campy fun while still showcasing real human personalities faced with real challenges. Not the ridiculous photo shoots: The tasks that teach the contestants things like honesty, confidence and self-awareness. Of course, the makeup and pretty clothes can't be denied.

But makeup and pretty clothes aren't enough, which is why Privileged seems to fall flat. (USA Today's Bianco calls it "a second-rate imitation" of Gossip Girl, with "clunky jokes, overwrought performances and a tone that implies we're actually supposed to care.") As for 90210, Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker calls it the "Sarah Palin" of TV Shows: "Its main purpose is to remind you of a trusty old product while adding some new vigor and soap opera to the cultural discourse." (Meanwhile, Gossip Girl is earning pretty good ratings so far this season.)

But the real question is: Why can't the CW network take some of the multi-culti, LBGT-friendly vibes Tyra brings to America's Next Top Model and sprinkle them in the rest of the whitewashed (except for Everybody Hates Chris) prime time programming? CW network president Dawn Ostroff tells AdAge that she is looking for a new head of reality. And she says: "Our primary goal each season is to develop shows that fit with the CW's brand identity, connect with our core female viewers and help create audience flow across the week. And 90210 accomplished each those perfectly." Hear that? Adopted black kids (who happen to be jocks!) are "perfect."

'Privileged': The Kids Are All White, And Kind Of Shallow, Too [USA Today]
Family Drama, the CW Way [AdAge]
CW Dazzles in Prime With Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill [MediaWeek]
90210 Review [EW]

• America's Next Top Model [The CW]

Tyra is obviously a quick study, and in her quest for branding "Tyra" as what she refers to as "attainable fantasy," TyTy has no doubt closely watched her idol Martha Stewart, and has learned from her mistakes as coming off too cold or business-y. Bu it's hard to believe that Tyra's first concern isn't money, particularly because she continually talks about it in the article. Normally cartoonish, she actually comes off like Montgomery Burns.

"I'm frugal," she said. "I've always been this way. When I was young, my mom would give me my allowance, and I'd peel off a little each week and have some to spare." She looked around the room, which had cream industrial carpeting and walls painted in a shade somewhere between cantaloupe and terra cotta. "When we moved into these offices, I didn’t like the carpet," she continued. "But do you know what carpeting costs? It’s really expensive. So, I picked out a color palette that would go with this carpet, and I painted the walls instead. Painting is much less expensive than carpet." She considered this decision for a moment. "One of the first things I ask when I hire someone who deals with the financials of the company is about their spending habits. How you spend money reveals a lot about you."

Only people who super care about money say they're frugal. She also writes in very small print so that she doesn't have to go through notebooks as quickly. And you know that has nothing to do with being green.

Hirschberg remarks on Tyra's weird, yet winning, combination of deliberate details and chaotic improvisation when it comes to her shows and producing projects. But even Tyra herself talks about how her current success was a longtime in the making, a plan she and her mother (her best friend, manager, and onetime stage mother to a child star, although the two would deny that) had carefully mapped out years ago when she first got into modeling.

"My mom said, 'You will not go to Paris without studying the industry first,'" Banks said. "I went to the fashion library in Los Angeles and looked at all the French magazines from the past. My mom explained that I should study the names of the hairdressers, the stylists, the makeup artists, the photographers, the editors and, of course, the designers. I watched videotapes of models walking. My mom said, 'This is not just glamour — it is a business.' So when I arrived in Paris, I was ready.'"

Um, except she never bothered to learn French. LOL!

Once she got to Paris, she "saw that the girls with cosmetic and swimsuit calendars made more money than the high-fashion girls," so when she began to gain too much weight for runway, she looked at it as an opportunity to really cash in with Victoria's Secret contracts and Sports Illustrated covers. She even viewed her skin color as a lucrative opportunity rather than a setback, because at the time, there was no "black Cindy Crawford." as she puts it.

At the end of the day, Tyra—who points out that she doesn't drink and is not into the latest fashions — is just like any other success story: She's a geek who made good. And like most embittered geeks, she wishes to inherit the earth. Or at least to rule it.

"I want power," she said. "The power to make change. I have never been interested in being ‘hot’ or ‘cool.’ I’m not interested in walking down a bunch of red carpets, dating someone famous, being in a big movie. I’ve done those things, and it never felt right. But I do want power and not for financial reasons."

But it's kinda hard to believe that someone so calculating isn't all about the numbers. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Banksable [NYT Magazine]

Project Runway
How It Is Now: The popular, zeitgeisty series, in which gay people and ladies compete to design the best fashions, has one more season on Bravo before it moves over to Lifetime, where it will (presumably) be their flagship program. The contestants run all over New York (well, it'll be in LA for Lifetime) and have lots and lots of challenges outside the confines of a "studio." Add big-name talent like Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn to the roster, and it's not exactly bargain basement.
The Cheapening: The LA move, done so Klum can be closer to family, will feature most of its workroom scenes filmed in the Bavarian model's mudroom. While it will look sadly low-budget, there will be the unexpected thrill of seeing Klum, fuzzy in the background, walking around in a commandant's uniform, brandishing a Luger, yelling "schnell! schnell!" to her terrified children, and making husband Seal bounce balls on his nose for fish. Also, Michael Kors will be replaced with a Teddy Ruxpin doll that's been dyed orange.

Top Chef
How It Is Now: The "drunken, horribly angry chefs compete for a vague prize" Bravo hit is all about on-location filming, from Miami to New York to Chicago. No "big" names like Project Runway, but zombie bite victim and series host Padma Lakshmi probably isn't that cheap anymore.
The Cheapening: Easy-Bake Ovens, mostly. Head judge Tom Colicchio will be swapped out for a cardboard cutout of Mr. Clean. Also, the already heavily product-placementy series will get further tie-ins, and contestants will be forced to cook with only the "Kraft family of products."

America's Next Top Model
How It Is Now: This strange, melting wax figurine of a competition series, one of The CW's biggest hits, flies their final contestants to far-flung locations like China, Thailand, and South Africa. They often employ many stylists and photographers. Plus, Tyra. She's making a mint off this thing.
The Cheapening: The new, cheaper "cycles" will last only three minutes. The first two will just be slo-mo footage of Tyra gyrating and posing for some unseen photographer while, in voiceover, she reads selections from her diary. In the final minute, Tyra will shriek some weird name like "Yahoo" or "Jasmenayaya" and a weird leggy thing will emerge from the shadows, weeping. She'll be handed the keys to a 1987 Datsun and then the lights will be shut off. Nothing will be lost in this new version.

The Hills
How It Is Now: Fancy camera work, increasingly popular stars, buzzy pop songs, constant on-location filming. While MTV is unlikely to make many changes to their hugely successful series, there are a few corners that could be cut.
The Cheapening: Each episode will simply feature soaring stock footage of Los Angeles while melancholic upbeat pop-emo songs play. In a little box in the corner of the screen, one cast member (to be changed every week) will make facial expressions. Sometimes they'll say things like "Brody" or "Le Deux" or "Baloney."

Only time will tell if these prognostications will come true. You can also probably look forward to new seasons of your favorite reality shows like Survivor: Parking Lot, The Just OK Race, and So You Think You Can Dance For Nickels. Maybe we'll finally see the genre killed off! Wouldn't that be something.

For now, though: Enjoy.

David Cook, American Idol Season 7
Why He Won: Because, frankly, he was the best. Sure you could sing the praises of a Carly Smithson or even an Archuleta, and yes you could (I certainly would) call Cook a bit smug at times, but he was consistently "in good voice" and as original as this show gets. He did well by himself digging up saucy arrangements of pop staples like "Billie Jean" and forged his own path with the surprisingly rockin' riff on Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby."
What the Future Holds: The inevitable tour (which, and you'd better not tell anyone this, I will be attending in Worcester, MA on August 9th. Shh.) A record contract with 19 Entertainment. Big record sales, I predict. He's Daughtry-lite, if that's even possible.

Kristi Yamaguchi, Dancing With the Stars, Season 6
Why She Won: (OK, so she was already a "star.") The figure skating background (she won the gold medal in Albertville in '92) probably didn't hurt. She was a regular favorite on the show because of her superior dancing chops, plus a lady hadn't won since Kelly Monaco in the first season. Take that, ex-football stars and Mario Lopez.
What the Future Holds: I believe there is some sort of tour (which I will not be attending). Hopefully Kristi will film a cameo in The Cutting Edge 4: The Wrath of D.B. Sweeney

Whitney Thompson, America's Next Top Model, Cycle 10
Why She Won: Well, it's a bit mysterious. By all accounts, runner up Anya was consistently better throughout the season. ANTM' s biggest fan Nick Denton (kidding!) recently suggested that it might have been a set-up because Whitney is a "plus-sized" model, and one of those things has never won before. Her Seventeen magazine prize photo shoot may prove or disprove her alleged plus size; I don't know lady parts well enough to determine.
What the Future Holds: She has a year contract with a modeling agency, which involves being a Cover Girl. Very few (I believe only one?) of ANTM's models get that contract renewed, so it's hard to say where Thompson will end up. I imagine at a shopping mall somewhere, plagued by ever-deepening wrinkles caused by car payments and the dim, seemingly shrinking house and the ever-swaying pine trees off in the distance that once seemed to promise her the world but now seem only to fence her in.

Christian Siriano, Project Runway, Season 4
Why It Won: Siriano, hot-tranny verbal mess that he was, was clearly the most adept and promising designer of the bunch. Sure Rami was talented and Jillian was stern and focused, but Christian had that youthful flair. The Gays, whose pink-gloved hands are all over this show, love to remind viewers that youth and charming hubris always trump age and experience, sadly.
What the Future Holds: He is currently designing a collection for Spring Fashion Week in New York (to be held this fall) and designing on commission from fashion mavens like Victoria Beckham. He's also filming a sequel to The Jungle Book.

The Rookies, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, "The Gauntlet III"
Why they Won: Presumably, because they are rookies, the cirrhosis was less advanced. Also their team had been systematically whittled down to a small few, so they were quick and able to beat the large, bloated Veterans team.
What the Future Holds: Automobile accidents, embarrassing pants-dropping at Tallahassee bars, an infinite number of further Challenge seasons. Four of them are already dead. (Not really.)

So, there you have it. Our winningest winners in this most winning of years. Of course, So You Think You Can Dance and Last Comic Standing will be gnawing at us all summer, crowning people some time in August. So, I guess the winning keeps going. And going. And going. It never stops.

So why do we feel like we're losing?

The report claims she instead wants to focus on her talk show, with recent blue-chip guests like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton having given the aspiring supermogul a taste of what it truly means to have the Oprah-level power she craves so much. Presiding over the weave-yanking exploits of a houseful of aspiring boat show hostesses seems a lot less glamorous when there's an eight-hour foam-latex application waiting for you at your day job, that you might give your viewers a more accurate first-hand account of what it feels like to live your life as a 700-lb transexual sex-worker.

• No more 'Top Model' for Tyra Banks? [MSNBC]

It's not just Tyra going a wee bit cuckoo as a result of Fatima's behavior; in fact, the only positive aspect Fatima brings to the show is her ability to infuriate all of the judges. To wit, Miss Jay actually yells at her while she's walking down the runway at a live fashion show while the more masculine Mr. Jay loses his shit for maybe the second time in ANTM history. And, if Twiggy were still around, we have a feeling the whole Nice Granny act would come tumbling to the set floor. As for Tyra, we're nervous she'll go beyond tiger-like growls and start clawing at her own weave next week. Which, on second thought, would be excellent television.

• AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL [Official Site]