1. "Crush"
This is the single you've likely heard several hundred times already, though you may not have been aware of it. It's the subliminal soundtrack coaxing you to the WalMart Top 20 CD rack and Junior Boys department, when all you really needed was a phillips head screwdriver. And how is it? Um, are you familiar with the term "freaking awesome?" Sexually confused pubescent angst and longing never felt so catchy! Sing it Archie—you're the only thing keeping us from tumbling off this elliptical crosstrainer we call life. Just his falsetto on the word "back" in "holding back" is enough to reduce Joe the Plumber to Joe the Screaming 13-Year-Old Girl Plumber. Score: A

2. "Touch My Hand"
Not really loving the first stanza. Archie's talking directly to us again, though. He's speaking to us! (Squeal!) Ho now, wait now—bridge is building nicely. OK, now we could see cranking this up on the 405 and screaming out, "Only me, only you, and the band...Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand!" to a passing Mexican road worker. OK now we're officially sold. We get it. We're in the audience, just one of the "sparkle of a million flashlights," and Archie is onstage, trying to find us. We're here, Archie! In the nosebleeds! It was all we could find on Craigslist at the last minute without having to go into the three-digits!
Score: B+

3. "Barriers"
Right away, we don't like where this song is going. "Barriers?" What's that supposed to mean? Are you inferring we've become too clingy? We beg to disagree. Oh, who are we kidding, Arch. Your soaring, soulful tenor just kicked in. "Too many locks, too many crimes, Too many tears, too many lies." We're glad you've finally come around. Now remove that double-bolt to your heart and let us in.
Score: C+

4. "My Hands"
Just to avoid confusion, this song differs from the last one about Archie's hands because this time he doesn't want us to "touch" his hands, but rather "hold on (don't let go of my hands)." It's a subtle but crucial difference. Holding on suggests our relationship has progressed, and we've gotten over the trust issues lingering from the last song.
Score: C-

5. "You Can"
Acoustic guitar plucking, a pensive "Hmmmmm." Yes, we can practically picture the shaved koala narrowing his eyes and nodding his head meaningfully as he begs us to, "Save me from myself, you can. And it's you and no one else...'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, You can." Yes, he's still singing directly to us. You know...it's not that the power has shifted in our relationship, per se, it's just—we're just really kind of tired tonight, Arch. Like, we were just gonna make some microwave popcorn and watch some TiVod Gossip Girl and—oh, you missed last night's episode too? But we really need to study, and...oh, our mom's calling us...We'll call you back tomorrow, OK? Yes, of course everything's alright. OK, byeeee.....
Score: C

6. "Running"
Nice! A little more upbeat. Hand claps. Sort of Don Henley divided by Hanson minus the gritty edge. Archie's cute again.
Score: B

7. "Desperate"
Uh oh. This one starts with an ominous '80s synthline, and a faraway Archie echoing, "Deeessssperaaaateeee." We don't associate desperation with David Archuleta. That's like calling a Care Bear a spouse-beater. Next!
Score: C

There's three more songs, but we have a feeling you're as emotionally spent right now as we are. It's OK. We understand. Loving Archie will do that to you. As for the record, separately, the parts amounted to significantly less than the sum. But the sum—oh, what a sum! You just want to pinch its little cheeks off!

Overall Score: A-

The series will provide a candid real look at the "American Idol" judge, pop star, choreographer and multi-platinum artist, as she takes two steps forward, and two steps back into the spotlight, giving an inside perspective on her professional and personal life. [...]

"It's a hectic time in my life right now with several projects in television, film and fashion," said Abdul. "I'm excited to open the doors to Bravo and have all my fans see the other sides to me, beyond what they see on 'American Idol'."

The network probably pitched the project to Abdul as a great way to cross-promote her live-action Bratz movie that no one cares about, but Bravo's savvy programmers knew all along that this series already came with a built-in audience of hard-core, self-destruction voyeurs, who have been set adrift upon the reality TV landscape since classics of the genre like Being Bobby Brown and Breaking Bonaduce were cancelled. Hey Paula! may not offer them the thrills of seeing a former child star plunging a steroid-filled needle into his withered buttock, turn purple, then overturn an Impala, but if today has taught us anything, it's that there really is no limit to the entertainment value that comes out of watching Abdul blend a fistful of Klonopin into her morning frogurt smoothie, then wax philosophical for the cameras as her temporary stroke symptoms begin to set in.

• BRAVO ANNOUNCES 'HEY PAULA!' A NEW DOCU-SERIES [nbcumv.com]