Ok!
"Wedding Of The Year."
Margaret says that this is one of the silliest cover stories she has ever read. And this is the third cover in a row claiming that these stars are engaged, but in which the story inside is just details about Twilight movie Breaking Dawn. The mag says "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." But Niki Reed and Dakota Fanning will probably be Kristen's bridesmaids and Kristen will probably wear a white sundress and get married on the beach. Apparently Rob and Kristen have "raw animal lust" for each other and if Rob and Kristen continue to mimic the plot of Twilight, fans could soon be on "bump watch." And the kid will be named Clules Pattinson, which is a combination of Claire and Jules, Rob and Kristen's mothers' names, cuz in the book — well, you know. Next: Evan Rachel Wood is dating Alexander Skarsgard! Brad and Angelina would like to adopt a baby AND have another biological one. Finally: Two pages of "candid" pictures of Nadya Suleman working out and hanging out in a park with her babies — complete with wardrobe change (See image 6).
Grade: [Academic probation]

Star
"It's For Real!"
The mag goes on and on about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler's "romantic dinner date" but we read somewhere else that it was a table for six and there were like four other people there. Anyway, a few days later she was lonely and "he could tell that she was hurting" so went over to her place with wine and Chinese takeout. An insider says: "Jen joked to him that they'd make beautiful babies. Gerard just laughed, but her point was made." Why do they always make it seem like she's trying to get some sperm up in her uterus?!?! Next: "Mariah's Packing On The Pounds Again" because her career stinks and she has no baby. (See image 7) Blind item! "Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath." Next: Marci Santoro says her daughter Stephanie was "duped" by Jon Gosselin — he promised her a new car, a job, a house, and a lifetime with him, only to dump her! Jon told Stephanie she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant because he'd had a vasectomy; also, Stephanie saw text messages from Kate Major that said, "How could you do this to me? You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Trainwreck. Uh, the mag printed this sentence: "Now that Lindsay Lohan has been named artistic adviser to French Fashion label Ungaro, she may want to design herself some long-sleeved outfits — to hide her fresh cutting marks!" A source says LL is on prescription drugs and those around her are ready to stage an intervention. Lastly: We learned that DJ AM had a fling with Paris Hilton, the best friend of his ex-fiance, Nicole Richie.
Grade: D (mysterious sheet stains)

Us
"Inside His Final Days."
In addition to a pretty good Patrick Swayze story, the mag also had a "Puffy Puckers" page featuring the "trout pouts" — excessively puffy lips of some famous ladies (See image 8). Next: Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan went to what she thought was Samantha Ronson's hotel room, and when she couldn't reach Sam, she threw a room service tray at the door. The guest staying in the room came out and confronted her; she claimed he assaulted her; police were called; LL was kicked out of the hotel. In Kanye vs. Taylor news, Taylor was crying backstage but had to perform less than 10 minutes later. After her performance, she broke down again. Eminem wanted to have her come up on stage during his acceptance speech, but MTV told him that Beyoncé was going to do it and already knew she was going to win (?!?!). Anyway — Kanye chugging Hennessy on the red carpet might have had something to do with his outburst, but also Kanye thinks of Beyoncé as a sister and "gets really worked up at award shows." Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley will be filing divorce papers shortly; she told him she's leaving him and wants him to move out of their Bel-Air mansion. Lastly, this mag is such a tattletale! The editors love calling out the other mags for their "fake news." (See image 9).
Grade: D+ (mysterious towel stains)

Life & Style
"Destroying Her Little Sister."
Lindsay took her 15-year-old sister Ali to Crown Bar in L.A. and they partied until 1 AM. Then they went to a different bar, where they were both "smoking like chimneys" and dancing. A source says Ali was "flirting heavily" with 29-year-old Jason Segel, the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Lindsay's been drinking and taking Adderall and exposing Ali to all that and so on, and she doesn't think it's wrong because her mother did it with her. And Lindsay and Dina talk about everything — drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. — in front of Ali. Next: Jennifer Aniston is still dating Gerard Butler, but has also revived her relationship with John Mayer. A source says that John and Jen went to Courteney Cox and David Arquette's house for dinner recently. Jason Trawick, Britney's manager, is dating a woman who looks like Britney. From the back, anyway. She's blonde.
Grade: C (mysterious sock stains)

In Touch
Nanny Stephanie Santoro granted an interview to this mag and claims she has been having a "passionate affair" with Jon Gosselin for six weeks. She says she met Jon a few years ago at a Twins Convention (?!?!?!). He told her, "Don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you." This conversation was had in a hot tub. Then they had sex. They've had sex nine times, and the nanny says: "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I've ever had." The kids have asked her if she will be their new mommy. Stephanie also says Jon smokes pot, sometimes outside the house while the kids are home. In a related story called "My Wild Threesome With Jon," Samantha Sterling, a self-described "Vegas Girl," says she met Jon at a hotel. Jon proposed a threesome; she called a friend; they snorted coke and they all had sex. The next night, Jon drank vodka, watched the two ladies strip and then had sex with one of them without a condom. Also inside: Oprah wanted to interview Whitney Houston because Oprah has smoked crack. No, really. Usher has "fallen" for "another cougar," this time it's a 42-year-old music exec named Grace. "Angelina's Starving For Brad's Attention" is all about how Angie went to a refugee camp in Kenya but more importantly she was TOO SKINNY. A body image expert who does not treat her thinks she has lost 15 lbs. since the Inglourious Basterds premiere in July. A "friend" says: "Angelina isn't stupid and she's extremely manipulative, she knows that by cutting back on her food, Brad will notice that she's dropped weight and worry about her." Moving along: John Mayer has told Jessica that she is his soulmate, even though he is secretly seeing Jennifer Aniston, and promising that he wants to have babies with Jen.
Grade: C+ (mysterious t-shirt stains)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Dina Lohan, Lindsay's mom, had a Twitter account registered on March 15, the same day accounts for Aliana "Ali" Lohan and Dakota "Cody" Lohan, Lindsay's little sister and brother, appeared. One possible reason for the coincidental timing: the leak of Lindsay Lohan's private messages posted on Twitter.

The Ali Lohan account is pursuing the usual fameball route of self-promotion, with tweets touting her music career. Cody Lohan's tweets consist mostly of messages for his mom and trash talk for his friends. Either might be reasonably easy to fake.

But Dina Lohan's messages are sui generis, a whole new kind of Twitter crazy the likes of which the world has never seen before.

For example: Lohan mère has still not figured out, two weeks in, that Twitter updates have a 140-character limit. She keeps accusing unseen forces of "censorship" — at one point, she speculated that Twitter was filtering messages with the word "Xanax" in them — and says she has contacted "tech support." It would be one thing if she were updating Twitter via cell phone, where it's easy to miss the limit. But most of her messages are posted from Twitter's website, which displays a counter showing exactly how many characters are left.

Then there's the tea. In an attempt to "relax," Twitter's Dina Lohan said she was drinking green tea. Green tea, of course, contains caffeine, which can cause nausea and jitters — the exact symptoms of which Lohan complains.

If Dina Lohan did not exist on Twitter, someone would have to invent her. It's comedy gold — but it seems like way too much work for someone to make up. What the Lohan family has proven, time and again, is that truth is stranger than fiction.

Update: Never underestimate the amount of free time on the Internet's hands. A bored LiveJournal user named Matt Cherette is taking credit for the Dina Lohan Twitter account.

We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

• ALI LOHAN TO PORN LEGEND: PUT ME IN YOUR FLICK! [TMZ]

1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.”

2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!”

And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

As TMZ claimed on Saturday, Lohan was driven to a local NYC hospital after the lovey dovey lesbian duo were out late Friday night and a wayward biker struck the seemingly soberific star. After her both her rep confirmed the hospital stay to TMZ, and a hospital source stated the same details to the NY Post, the wonderful beacon of maternal guidance that is Dina tells the Post today that the entire story is "bull doodie." And! Even Michael Lohan, surely the runner-up for Long Island's Father Of The Year trophy, chipped in to assure the same paper that Lohan texted him over the weekend to say she was "fine, Daddy." Hey, who needs hospital sources and reps when you've got parents like that to bring the truth forward with oh-so-believable rebuttals?

As for poor Ali, the Post reported over the weekend that notoriously smug (when it comes to musical taste) girlfriend Ronson had the nerve to turn down Dina's request to play the tween hack's new single at a NYC party — but today, Ronson reportedly took to her MySpace page to shoot down the rumors, calling the deafening ditty a "fucking great pop song." Which is sweet, until you realize that Ronson doesn't actually like pop songs — though we'd instinctively suspect Dina of instructing child-for-hire Cody to bust into Ronson's blog and write the entry himself, we prefer giving our favorite scissor-kicking couple the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe Lindsay does call Michael "Daddy." Maybe Ronson does love Ali's music. And maybe, just maybe, "bull doodie" is the new "crack is whack."

• LO-DOWN SAM [NYP]
• SAMANTHA RONSON: ALI LOHAN SINGLE IS 'GREAT' [People]
• LINDSAY LOHAN'S 'FINE' AFTER LATE-NIGHT BIKE HIT [NYDN]
• PARENTS DENY LINDSAY LOHAN INJURY STORY [NYP]

1) More Tips On Downsizing Prepubescent Son’s Balls! Simple, really: assign them the task of assisting your blatant famewhoredom, ignoring how obviously disinterested they are in participating, then follow up by denying you ever enlisted their help whatsoever. Most importantly, perform this task on television.

2) Repeatedly Remind Fragile Tween Daughter Just How Big Of A Failure She Is! With no call-backs or word from producers regarding Ali’s non-existent and doomed career as a white rapper, Dina reminds Ali that she only had “one shot and you don’t blow it.” Insinuating, of course, that she blew it. Resolution? Tell her to go ahead and be “a little girl.” Then proceed to make the easily influenced Ali jealous of your own fantastic body by subtly sauntering up to her after a work-out and displaying just how much hotter your abs are than hers.

3) Fix Your Kids’ Sour Moods (Caused By You, Naturally) By Embarrassing Yourself In Public! And what better way for Dina to do the above than “dance” in her own Vegas performance, failing to actually put any of those Rockette Lies to rest at all. And no, that wasn’t just your screen — Dina really did just use Bring It On’s guaranteed-to-fail Jazz Hands move. More than once. But as long as your kids are mortified by you, you’ve sacrificed your own dignity to make ‘em laugh. Like hyenas. At you. Success!

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

1) How To Cure Pre-Teen Son’s Boredom: Place Silicone Breasts Directly In Front Of Child’s Face! While Ali burns eardrums away in the recording studio, Dina finds herself in a horrifying place: alone with Cody, the one kid she has nothing in common with. And Cody was bored, as many a boring person becomes when left unentertained by others. So! Off to meet the Girls Next Door and their owner Hugh Hefner, where any swinging dick, no matter how pre-pubescent, will promptly blush, explode in giggles, and shamefully retreat.

2) How To Undermine Your Daughter: Ensure They Never Succeed In Showbiz! After Dina hires the aforementioned Mr. Hot, a clearly under-qualified music producer who specializes in "guy songs," Ali musters up enough courage to question her mom's decision. But the poor tone-deaf kid obviously still doesn't know who she's dealing with — whenever her expert opinion is questioned, Dina knows to respond by instantly blaming the inadequate results on your child, and secondly, repeat the under-used and always infuriating "I told ya so!" mantra.

3) How To Feel Sexy When Pushing Fifty: A Little Trick Called 'Me Time'! If you're like us, you've often stared into the flawless abyss that is Dina Lohan's wrinkle-free face and wondered how, (HOW!?) can anyone be so impossibly beautiful after pushing out three and a half kids. Dina's secret? Odd and embarrassing workouts involving melon-size green aerobic balls used as disco-blaring speakers only the insane can bop along to! Oh, and mani-pedis, of course.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

1) Build Value Systems By Cooing Over Tween Hotties, Ignoring Potentially Fatal Physical Traumas: As the merry threesome prepares to jet from their booby mommy enclave on Long Island to glittery, career-boosting party town for all ages Las Vegas, Dina provides a very important display of maternal morals. Cody, wincing in pain, reports a “concussion,” and after initially (intelligently!) ignoring his sobs, he repeats the alert, begging her to “listen!” But Dina marches ahead, tending to her judging responsibilities in the realm of Severely Underage Girl Sexiness, proving one’s own painfully immature value hierarchy should be spread to spawn firmly and decisively. Also, that no matter how “hot” one knows one is, never let on to the kiddies. They’ll be totally jealous.

2) Disguise Personal Ambitions By Vicariously Living Them Out Through Equally Talentless Daughter: No matter how stomach-turning and phlegm-laced her screeches, Dina encourages 14-year old Ali’s musical goals by following a very difficult method: imagination! Dina insists Ali is talented because she “trusts the producer.” The producer, who is being paid by Dina to provide a very pricey stage for practice and far too many recording sessions that cost who-knows-what. Dina’s solution to the reality? “I leave the room.”

3) Decrease “Mom” Time By Assigning Majority Of It To Staff And Hiring “Magicians”: Spending time with your kids can be totally annoying. You have to feign interest in their love of dumb boy things like sports (ick) and magic (so W.T.). So Dina, loving mother that she is, shows her sole male heir just how much she cares about him by providing suitable entertainment throughout the day. Translation? By hiring other people to insert Fun into his routine! And then bragging about the QT to other siblings, who are so exhausted from “singing” they yearn for her divided attention that much more.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

As Michael told Extra this morning,

"I met Christie [sic] in 1982 in Houston. In 1995, when I was separated from Dina, she contacted me that she was moving to Long Island...I was with her for a week...Years later, while I was in prison, she contacted to me to say she had a paternity test done that revealed the child's father was not her husband. She said I was the only other man she had been with. My lawyers are dealing with this. When we find out the truth we will deal with it in the appropriate manner.

Michael told Star a similar tale, also ending with a remark about his notoriously excellent lawyers and their plans to "sort this out."

But OK!, who claims their story on the possible Lohan family addition is "exclusive," teases us with this juicy assurance:

"OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl's mother where he says that his secret daughter 'is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.' He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed 'Love Daddy.'"

While the timing and supplied details appear to line up, our excitement over whether or not the allegations are valid or not is lower on the anticipation scale than seeing actual copies of these prison love letters from Papa Michael. Mainly because we suspect they outshine those thought balloon-adorned cartoon homages Uma Thurman's stalker memorably crafted, based on Michael's history of artistic talent and prowess when it comes to freakish drawings lovingly drawn from the clink.

[Photo credits: NY Daily News, Aisha Music]

• EXCLUSIVE: LINDSAY'S SECRET HALF-SISTER REVEALED! HER MOM TALKS TO 'STAR' [Star]

1) Always Take Your Children's Needs Into Consideration. Except When You're 'Bout To Get Your Party On In Vegas! As the doomed 11-year old Cody quietly requests to remain home with his friends rather than follow Dina and Ali around as they con rich gamblers like Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Heartbreakers, Dina smartly responds by laughing in his face, confessing "privately" to the entire world that her children do not have generic, boring human abilities like "choice." Thoroughly humiliated, talking back is no longer an option — job well done.

2) Having Old Moms Is Sad, Especially When The Only Time You See Them Is Through Your Tinted Windows On The Way Back From Da Club! Dina makes quite an effort to point out just how terribly sad and lonely her dear old mother is, and we almost spot an actual set of angelic wings atop her stiff shoulders when she insists that her brother take care of the 82-year old widow while she and her brood attempt to get famous. And Dina, clever minx, even pretends to extend an invite to the Chardonnay lady by suggesting they all trek over the border in a Winnebago! Brilliant. Everyone hates Winnebagos! Emotion displayed, feelings expressed, buzzkill excluded.

3) Shopping Is Way More Fun With Daughters, So Dress Your Sons In Nothing But Nike! We really are feeling sorry for young Cody, particularly after watching Dina hire his friends last week, and the 11-year old wasn't showing any signs of altering his fate towards Corey-esque levels of decadence last night. Pleading to stay home while the girls shop for girly shit in Vegas, Cody dares to challenge Dina with a bit of truthiness: Dina never takes him shopping! But our maternal icon, naturally, comes up with a one-word solution to every mom's troubles when dealing with dressing a prepubescent boy: "Niketown." The one-stop cheap shot way to portray a loving mother without having to actually lay a manicured finger on things like "nylon" or "mesh lining."

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Let’s begin by noting that Troll, the 1986 low-budget comedy/horror flick, was named as one of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made in a documentary film of the same name. Of course, the doc was made in 2004, so it’s quite possible I Know Who Killed Me might have bumped it off the list were it released beforehand. Moving on! Among the myriad reasons why the Rosemary’s Baby-meets-The Exorcist-meets-Chuckie caper was a horrendous hack job unworthy of its two sequels or any kind of remake whatsoever, is this bit of trivia: a young male character in the film is named Harry Potter Jr., and due to the presence of a young male character with the same name in JK Rowling’s bank-breaking series and films, original Troll writer/director John Carl Buechler is of the opinion that he invented “the original Harry Potter.”

So what joy awaits us should Ali nail the role? For those of you who haven’t weeped through a viewing of this Dark Crystal wannabe, Torak the Troll is a funny-looking little demon thing who possesses inhabitants of an apartment building, infusing them with the spirits of things like goblins and bugbears, trapping them in coffins and unleashing murderous bat monsters, his version of Judge Doom’s “Dip.” But the far-from-funny dialogue and moldy amateur filming led to its rep as an all-time worst of the worst. Little Ali, should she be lucky enough to play Torak’s beloved ex-wife Eunice, will be making her big screen debut as a witch whose heart belongs to one of the most despised and ignored horror villains in movie history. We can just hear Dina’s overly-tight jeans snapping in half as she high-kicks her way into an adrenaline rush higher than any Lindsay has ever experienced. Bravo.

• ALI LOHAN: TROLL'S NEW GIRL? [E!]

1) When Your Daughter Cries Due To Physical Pain, Take Charge By Screaming Your Personal Assistant’s Name Until The Minion Arrives To Solve The Problem! After forcing rising rap star and Lindsay 2.0 Ali to undergo yet another photo shoot held in the soothing enclave of Dina’s Ground Zero (the Lohans’ Long Island manse/business center), Ali dares to complain about the discomfort caused by all ten pounds of pancake makeup applied to her face. Dina’s solution? The overlordess promptly begins a rousing succession of shrill barks directed at the family’s misplaced assistant Alexis, the kids’ real stand-in mother. Genius, mainly because the servant will obviously arrive far sooner than it will take Dina to exacerbate her troubles to the growing camera crew presence constantly throwing Serious Questions in her direction.

2) Provoke Sympathy From Viewers By Bringing Up Dead Ex-Boyfriend Memories! As Dina voices her endless truckload of issues every major celebrity mom has to deal with, mainly the fact that, you know, she was “in this business,” and “you just have to love them” no matter how many more luxuries than young carpenter’s dream Dina did than Ali at her age, Dina loudly provides an example of just how brutal her childhood was: “You know I dated somebody who was killed in a car accident.” Say no more, Dina. No really, say no more.

3) Provide Lessons On Maturity And Professionalism By Offering Makeup To Son For Laughs And Slamming Doors In Daughter's Face! You see, the pivotal plot line last night revolved around Ali’s sneaky purchase of a puppy behind Dina’s back. Dina provides various displays of parenting excellence by yelling and screaming at Ali before ultimately showing us exactly how mothers should deal with an unruly door-slamming teenager: prove your dominance by slamming their bedroom door right back at them. Top the move off by completing the lesson with an exclamatory “Nice try! Watch! I can do this too!” The risk of inviting Ali to force Dina out of her room by slamming her door every half-hour is balanced by just how totally awesome and in charge Dina looks throwing an adult version of a shit fit.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Invent Imaginary ‘Allergies’ To Break Tweenage Daughter From Her Nail-Polish Habit! Despite being a provably devoted fan of nail polish in all its acrylic glory, Dina found herself in one of those situations every mother does nowadays: being trapped in an SUV with a cameraman by your side as your gory makeup-loving daughter paints her own nails. Solution? Whine endlessly about your "allergy" to the stuff, as you struggle to drive with nails so polished even one of Lindsay's toy knives couldn't break 'em.

Deal With Daughter’s Mean Friends By Inviting Access Hollywood Over! After receiving a call from Ali's school and learning that real-live "Mean Girls" were picking on her, Dina wisely handles her 15-year old's moping by inviting a nationally broadcast tabloid crew over to the manse house. The decision may seem counterproductive, potentially conducive to yet more stress, and generally irrelevant, but Dina knows what she's doing: distracting Ali from junior high bitches at her school by ensuring junior high bitches at every school in the land will pick on her! Lesson? Let as many people talk shit about you as possible, so long as they're all far, far away.

Enlist Token Friend With Worse Hair And Sadder Life Than You To Battle Blues! Even after sweeping that whole incident under the table (well, you know, broadcasting it on television, which is really the same thing), Dina confides in one of her BFFs about the traumatic experience. And in a stroke of Dina's trademark brilliance, this particular BFF was chosen for several clever reasons to boost Dina's mood: she wears glasses (Dina wears botulinum toxin), she does not do her hair (Dina has a blow-drying attendant just above Ali and just below Lindsay on speed dial), and she's tragically dealing with the loss of one of her own children. The entire package is enough to make Dina summon her best crocodile tears and just maybe, a little sympathy from the show's viewer viewers.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

After lifting our jaw off the ground upon hearing Roker's response to the Griffin bump and grind ("Anyone got any cigarettes?"), we had to relocate our jaw once again as Griffin swiftly switched subjects to her hosting gig and, in a well-executed non-seguitur, finally said what has needed to be said about to-be rap star Ali Lohan for quite some time now. Explaining that she was given the job due to Ali and Dina Lohan's conflicting schedules (a joke, people, relax), she went ahead and launched our inner monologue right out into America's eardrums: "Yeah, Ali was busy doing her hip hop CD, because, you know, she’s white and 14 and lives on Long Island, so hip hop speaks to her." Oh Kathy. What was Woz thinking?

• THE TODAY SHOW [NBC]

1) Just Because Your Daughter Has Asthma And Your House Is On Fire Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Party ‘Til Dawn!: While Dina leaves her two non-Lindsay, barely teenaged kids Ali and Cody alone to attend what must have been a very important event, because, you know, she's...what is she again when she's not out with Lindsay? Oprah's seat-filler or something? Anyway, Dina demonstrates how important it is to just take care of your business even though your two kids are about to die from an outlet fire and one has asthma and can't breathe. And there's no need to worry about keeping your cell phone handy - I mean what could go wrong? Like, as if an outlet is gonna blow up and nearly kill your asthmatic daughter? Oh. Right.

2) Should Someone Lie To Your Child, ‘Rip Them Up And Chew Them Out’!: Dina makes an excellent point when she tells her viewers that anyone who enters her house must tell the truth and nothing but the truth. This rule, of course, does not apply to her family or anything, just any visitors and stuff. And even though she doesn't admit to having any kind of seventh sense when it comes to lie-detecting, she might just rip you up and chew you out 'cuz she feels like it. She's Dina Lohan, in case you didn't know.

3) It’s Like, Totally Scary For A Mom When Your Child Is Beautiful, Talented And Funny!: So Lindsay did actually get a mention last night, and it was quasi-sweet, though simultaneously so nauseating we wanted to go find Michael Lohan and rip his wig hair out as though he were Dina's voodoo doll (mental note: Make. That. Happen.) You see, Dina and Lindsay have both just been struggling with the fact that Ali is so goddamn pretty and talented and gorgeous and tall and they simply cannot stop her from being the biggest star the world has ever seen. Well, after Dina Lohan, that is.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

As one source tells the Daily Mail, "They're definitely dating. It's been going on for a long time now - they've been together casually for about a year." And just in case this alleged source is not to be trusted (as per usual), we always have Momager/Pimp extraordinaire Dina Lohan to chip in her two cents (again, as per usual): "Lindsay's mother Dina appears to have given the 30-year-old...her seal of approval. She said: 'Samantha's a sweetheart. She's great – and she's the best spinner around.'" Oh, Dina. Spinner? Really? Well, at least she didn't say "wheels of steel"...

As for the Post, they've decided this "relationship" is one of the smartest public image improvements Lindsay's made in years. And we have to agree with their point: these days, being a full-out lesbian is far cooler than dating Greek heirs and annoying has-beens with names like Wilmer. Girl-on-girl hickies top greasy reality show host fuck-and-tellers any day.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• SO IN LOVE? LINDSAY LOHAN AND SAMANTHA RONSON TAKE THEIR 'ROMANCE' TO NEW YORK [Daily Mail]
• LINDSAY LOHAN BRINGS LESBIAN CHIC TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL [NYP]

First up was It’s Complicated (spoiler alert: it’s not), which begins with a title sequence that calls Richards a bitch and a husband stealer and then attempts to prove those assessments wrong. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t — all we know that is that by the second episode, we hope the producers can add a few more colorful descriptions of Denise into the opening credits. For starters, let's try chronically unemployed, negligent parent and self-obsessed brat. When she gushes in the show that people only know her as the Bond girl and the girl from Wild Things, one is tempted to reach through the screen and shake the delusion out of her skinny bones. Denise, nobody remembers you as a Bond girl, and showing your tits a decade ago isn’t exactly a resumé.

But Richards does have her angle: She used to be married to Charlie Sheen. Once upon a time, there was no way to make money just from being someone’s skanky old fish-faced ex. But Richards has found it, and all the pre-show hype has only helped her claw her way back into the spotlight. There were Sheen’s failed attempts to keep his children from being exploited on the show (which Richards executive produces, natch). Then came yesterday’s aptly-timed MSNBC report, where Richards claims Sheen recently left her a voicemail message saying, “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you (bleeping) whore.” But don’t get excited; that message is ten times more interesting than anything in this half-hour snoozapalooza.

Next came Living Lohan, which we’re pretty sure had the working title The Creepy Blond Pimp, Lindsay #2 and Some Boy Who May or May Not Be Part of the Family. After the opening of the premiere episode (again, shots of dogs defecating on rugs - a reality TV fascination, for which we still have the Osbournes to blame) the story followed the burgeoning career of Lindsay Lohan’s little sister Ashlee Simpson Ali Lohan. Like Denise Richards, the Lohans seem to spend an inordinate amount of time researching themselves online. Where Denise “finds” a list of semi-famous men she’s dated and wants to brag about, Dina Lohan discovers a picture of her daughter Lindsay giving someone a blowjob. While Dina goes into media attack mode, fourteen-year-old Ali stares at the computer screen, as if she has seen her own fate. And she loves it.

• Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]
• Living Lohan [E!]

Still, you don't need words to identify the sadness behind those eyes: Hardened by a million little tabloid items and passed homeroom notes, they tell the story of a childhood squandered inside a Palms hotel recording studio and countless Long Island-accent-eradication sessions, the monotony of the fame-machine only occasionally interrupted when mom smuggles in a six-pack of Seagram's Escapes and a pack of Merit Ultra Light Menthol 100s.

• Late Show

As Radar reports, Dina's plus-one was the grand matriarch of Lohan breeding: Dina's 82-year old mother, Ann Stewart, who allegedly spent most of the night drinking Chardonnay and proving Veritas really comes out In Vino: "Ann totally loved Lindsay in Parent Trap but skipped I Know Who Killed Me." Wise words, Ann. But an odd tidbit came in the form of Mingling Moms' President, who claimed Dina had won the honor after nabbing the most votes in an online "Best Mom" poll set up by the group. Though Radar notes, "No evidence of the poll actually exists on the website." Anyone else feel a rush of deja vu following yesterday's Scientology spokesperson-issued lies? In the end, all that really matters is what Dina has to say about the whole fiasco: "I was just watching Lindsay record a track for her third album a few days ago with Snoop Dogg[!]" Perfect. All moms should ensure their recently rehabbed kids go into business with the world's foremost ambassador of the use of medical marijuana. As the cult group said, "Congratulations Dina!"

• DINA LOHAN MASSACRES MOTHER'S DAY [TMZ]
• REDISCOVER DINA LOHAN: 'TOP MOM' [Radar]