• John Mayer is thinking of giving Jennifer Aniston a song for her 40th birthday, someone told People. Um, nice try, someone else (ahem) told OK!, but John will be giving Jen an engagement ring, or he can pack his things and leave, already.
• Let's mock Sarah Jessica Parker's "hoof shoes," REAL FUNNY GATECRASHER GUYS. We get it. She looks like a horse. You were obviously chomping at the bit to trot this sort of humor out, but maybe you could move beyond mare appearance jokes? Yea or neighhhh? [Gatecrasher]   
• Sure, Chris Brown is rumored to have split Rihanna's lip, left contusions on her face and choked her to unconsciousness. But you should see what Rihanna's flack did to Page Six! It was downright shameful. [P6]
• Prince Harry was a terrible racist again, telling a comedian at Prince Charles' 60th birthday, "You don't sound like a black chap." Harry has probably already told his friends he's now done trying to give compliments, no one appreciates them. [Sun]
• Now that Alex Rodriguez is the steroid-scandal whipping boy, Jose Canseco figures it's safe to shop his reality show idea. Nice to see he's moved beyond one morally bankrupt, money-making celebrity fad, right into another. [P6]
• Andy Serwer will teach you how to fake being the editor of Fortune, based on his own first-hand experience. [P6]
• OK! can't even post good sales when its competitors are physically removed from Wal-Mart stores. [Scoop]

E! reports that the couple arrived in Miami together on Monday, with their visit interrupted by a Rodriguez family gathering on Tuesday. But Wednesday was all A-Mad, hanging around town before Madonna's show that night, where the duo came out as conspicuously as possible with that age-old romantic standby known as "hydration":

As Madonna completed her second song before a sell-out crowd in Miami's Dolphin Stadium Wednesday night, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez handed her a bottle of water.

"It was easy for him to hand it off because he was sitting in the front row," a witness tells E! News. "He was all excited watching her perform."

Well, she is his "fucking soulmate, dude," and the public culmination of all these months of divorces and secret rendezvous would ignite anyone's glee. We really have nothing but best wishes to offer the happy couple in the face of such inspiring news, though it's probably an opportune time to remind A-Rod that if/when his Boyfriend Contract arrives, read the fine print. Water-carrying duties are surely a signal of more burdensome emotional obligations to come.

• Madonna, A-Rod Make Beautiful Music Together [E!]

Our spies say the clandestine East End meeting between soon-to-be-divorced Madge and freshly single A-Rod occurred on Oct. 21. A chopper carrying the Yankee slugger was seen landing in East Hampton, where he was picked up in a white Porsche 911 matching the description of Jessica's car.

Less than 40 minutes later, another helicopter that took off from Chelsea Piers with Madonna aboard landed at the same airstrip.

"A dark SUV and Jerry in another Porsche both pulled up and picked up Madonna and they headed back to Jerry's place," a witness told us. "When they arrived at the Seinfeld home, Madonna poked her head out the window and could be clearly seen."

Though we question the efficacy of a secret plan involving separate helicopters, cars, a safe house, and an incredibly famous celebrity, we're more concerned with what this choice reveals about A-Rod. Sure, this burgeoning affair might seem sexy and glamorous, but is it worth four hours of Seinfeld puttering around, demanding to show off outtakes from his aborted Microsoft campaign? Madge has got you wrapped around her finger now, and she knows it. If you see her stroke her mustache in a crafty fashion, know that this is where things went awry.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• MADGE, A-ROD COPTER QUICKIE [NY Post]

• Madonna and Guy Ritchie exclusive: She bombards him with weird texts and says 'You're going down' [Mirror]

· Madonna's inner-circle (a 450-person-strong army consisting of stylists, trainers, hair & makeup people, plastic surgeons, background singers and Voguers, and one horseback riding instructor) claim Ritchie's nickname is "Material Guy," for his notorious gold-digging tendencies. [The Sun]
· A-Rod is shopping around for real estate near Madonna's apartment on the Upper West Side, and is closing in on an $80 million, 5,200-square-foot penthouse in the new Robert A.M. Stern condo going up there. [NY Daily News]
· In the NYC-London battle royale for Madonna's presence, look for New York to win. She accepted a life in London for Ritchie's sake. That means a Brooklyn accent should return within the year! Yay! [People]
· Unless of course you believe the story that says her heart is in London, and she could never leave. [Daily Mail]
· Ritchie reportedly infuriating Madonna when she learned he humiliated daughter Lourdes by pointing out her budding breasts and saying she's "becoming a woman" over lunch. [The Sun]
· Ritchie claims he's being spied upon by Madonna's camp, saying, "this is a divorce, not the Cold War." [The Sun]
· Madonna and kids arrived at the Chelsea Piers sports facility in New York with a massive security duty—and in a particularly nice touch, Rocco was wearing a Yankees T-shirt. Both he and sister Lourdes were photographed laughing and playing. [Daily Mail]
· African demi-orphan David Banda's biological father is apparently listening in to the developments on his battery-operated Aiwa radio in disgust, telling The Sun: "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him." [Newsday]

While split talk had jammed the tabloids essentially since the day they were married in 2000, with Madonna publicly grumbling for years now about her unfulfilled sex needs, the gossip was all so much noise until the fantastic Madgerod Cynthavitz controversy that exploded over the summer. The scandal placed Madonna in Yankees slugger/"fucking soulmate, dude" Alex Rodriguez's comforting, Kabbalah-friendly arms, while A-Rod's wife Cynthia retreated to Paris for an extended stay in an apartment owned by Lenny Kravitz. "Nothing to see here," said Kravitz, who urged calm while Madonna's flack denied that A-Rod had ever charged her client's mound.

Fine, then. Except the Rodriguezes divorced soon after, and as recently as two weeks ago Madonna and A-Rod were reportedly spotted dining together again in New York. This while Ritchie fled the spotlight, tapering off press for his new film RockNRolla and jetting back to England to commence shooting Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr.. So last night's announcement seems ideally timed for both him and Madge, who is five shows into her Sticky & Sweet world tour, where nearly half of her 25 American dates have yet to sell out. Oh — and her new own directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom, opens in New York and LA this Friday. Convenient!

Not so convenient: The economy of Splitsville. The London Times reports today that the couple didn't have a pre-nup, thus encouraging Madonna to file for divorce in the States, where she'd likely earn a more favorable take from her and Ritchie's $600 million fortune. If Ritchie fights for a London divorce, the legal saga could play out for upward of a year. We don't buy for a second that these details aren't already arranged between the two, but the Times adds that still doesn't guarantee an official split by Christmas, as Madge reportedly hopes for.

Certainly there's more to follow, which we'll report as it happens. In the meantime, don't look so down! We'll always have Swept Away.

Madonna and New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez took in a cozy dinner for two at Dos Caminos Third Avenue on Tuesday, a source told Usmagazine.com.

They pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back.

"They seemed very close," a source told Usmagazine.com.

...Rodriguez was smitten with Madonna six months before the scandal broke.

"He [said] he was in love her," a friend of A-Rod recalled to Us.

By February, A-Rod had upped the ante. ""He said, 'She's my f—king soulmate, dude,'" the friend said.

Fuck yeah, brah! We do feel compared to warn Rodriguez, though: sure, comparing biceps with Madonna might seem fun at first, but the singer has dated and tossed aside athletes before. Should we find you wandering around Central Park dazed, crammed into a bridal gown, and mumbling the lyrics to "Bedtime Stories," who among us will be able to say that we didn't see it coming?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Casting Scoops: 'SNL,' 'Grey's,' 'Housewives,' 'Damages,' 'Old Christine,' and More! [EW]

• A-Rod thinking beyond baseball in partnering with William Morris [ESPN]
• Alex Rodriguez [IMDB]

· A day after his wife filed for divorce, A-Rod sat down with Rabbi Michael Berg, the Kabbalah Centre director, who prescribed inhaling the fumes from one Kabbalah™ brand God-scented incense stick and the uttering of four Hail Moseses for his philandering sins. [People]
· As far back as six months ago, Rodriguez was sitting at a restaurant exchanging text messages with Madonna, telling his anonymous dining companion, that he was "in love with her." A couple months later, he told the same friend, "'She's my f—king soulmate, dude.'" The friend couldn't recall any other things he might have said, but that "another $50,000 might jog my memory." [usmagazine.com]

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)
OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)
Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)
Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)
In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

In Ciccone's book, set for release next Tuesday, her brother reportedly blames his estrangement from Madonna on Guy's anti-gay attitude: "Ciccone, who is gay, alleges that his relationship with Madonna went downhill after she married Ritchie...because of the director's homophobic tendencies." Of course, we find it hard to believe that someone like Madonna, who Ciccone also claims planted a very steamy kiss on Gwyneth Paltrow during a decadent late-night birthday party years ago, would side with anyone carrying anti-gay baggage around.

Chris also promises to expose his sister's ancient habits of partaking in (shocker!) mini-drug parties every now and then with her music producers. But in today's drug-infested celebrity culture, sharing a joint or two with your boss in the music studio sounds downright G-rated compared to her fellow Brits' current escapades, filming themselves smoking crack, feeding crack to kittens, and snorting posher crack on dirty mirrors in the vicinity of yet another drug crusador, Pete Doherty. And lesbian flings? Please. Not only are same-sex couples all the rage at the moment, but they've become just as yawnworthy as the so-called scandalous details surrounding the Gwynnie kiss. I mean, it's Gwyneth Paltrow. Any "secrets" painting the hooker heel fanatic in a naughty new light are music to the burgeoning sexpot's ears.

[Photo credits: Getty, Busted His Nut]

• MADONNA'S BROTHER SAYS SHE SNOGGED GWYNETH AT A BOOZY PARTY [The Sun]
• SHOCKING DETAILS IN MADONNA BIOGRAPHY [AOL News]

Sigh. So what does it all mean for you, the weary, woebegone gossip consumer? Join us after the jump for a bit of scorecard updating.

First off, A-Rod's estranged wife was at the courthouse when it opened this morning — and we thought we had Fourth of July hangovers:

"The marriage of the parties is irretrievably broken because of the husband's extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct," according to Cynthia Rodriguez's petition for dissolution of marriage, filed in the family division of Miami-Dade County Circuit Court. ...

"The petitioner has exhausted every effort to salvage the marriage of the parties," Cynthia Rodriguez said in the filing. "However, Alex has emotionally abandoned his wife and children and has left her with no choice but to divorce him."

The couple's 2002 prenup apparently protects Rodriguez's fortune (his current 10-year contract is worth up to $305 million), but we're hearing he's evidently got nothing on the investment planners at Madonna/Ritchie Inc.:

Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in November or December — after the Mrs.' upcoming Sticky and Sweet world tour. Why? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide, and they've decided to ear mark that to provide for their three children's future. ...

There is a whole PR strategy that has been in place for some time. We're told the Material Girl will be "very visible" in the months leading up to the tour to "generate a lot of publicity." That's when "news" of the marriage's demise would slowly leak out, causing tongues to wag — and Madonna to be on the cover of papers and mags around the world.

Ritchie has his latest B-thriller, Rocknrolla, on the way as well — for what that's worth. And as for rumored C-Rod love interest Kravitz? His pre-holiday denial stands: He's still just hosting her in Paris. Sigh again. But Kravitz has been out of the spotlight since Baptism, we guess; we'd charge her extra for the big room if we were him.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• A-Rod's wife files for divorce, alleges infidelity, 'other marital misconduct' [ESPN]
• Madonna and Guy Want You to Buy the Hype [TMZ]

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

· Towards the end of June, reports started surfacing that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were getting a divorce.

· Soon after, it came out that Madonna was having an affair with A-Rod, a married baseball player on the much-hated Yankees. Madonna's publicist issued a denial, which means that it's totally true.

· Then, it was reported that A-Rod's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, was "spending a lot of time" with Lenny Kravitz, who, coincidentally, has also banged Madonna.

· And to top it all off, today, announcements surfaced that A-Rod and his wife were separating, thereby adding credence to both the Madonna rumors and the Lenny Kravitz rumors.

See, it's not that complicated after all. And it looks like everybody's getting what they want in the end. Madonna's got A-Rod, C-Rod's got Lenny Kravitz, and Guy Ritchie... well, he's got his mildly successful film career. Hooray!