Confirming last summer's Playboy interview, where he said he'd retire from acting in 2012, Alec Baldwin has now told Men's Journal that "I don't have any interest in acting anymore," and considers himself a failure:

I consider my entire movie career a complete failure. The goal of movie-making is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.

Also, he never re-watches The Hunt for Red October. (Because its $200M worldwide box office intake was not "soaring" enough?)

And now, the movies I've been in, I never give them a moment's thought. Every movie I've ever been in, I just avoid.

Oh, cheer up, Alec! It could be worse. You could've been in Half-Baked or Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Attack of the 50-Ft Woman. (Actually, that last one sounds kind of good.) [Reuters]

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been picked to jointly host the Academy Awards telecast.

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

Namely, the McFlurry references felt organic, as 30 Rock has a habit of tying that sort of jokey, downmarket fast food to its most glamorous guest stars (witness Isabella Rossellini declaring her lifelong love for the Arby's "Big Beef and Cheddar" way back in Season One). No, it's the constant, prominent placement of the iPhone in the last two episodes that's really caught our eye. Every character seems to own one, make calls on one, and constantly show off pictures on one (in lengthy close-ups, no less)—even Jack Donaghy, who we totally figured for a Blackberry Storm man.

Here's a mere sampling of the iPhone's screen time over the last two weeks. And yes, we took these pictures off our TV using the iPhone. Can we have our money now?

• 30 Rock [NBC]

This bizarro sketch about circumcision and gay stuff (glory holes, mostly) was short and weird and sweet. Will Forte seems to be responsible for these ones.

The Fourth Jonas Brother sketch was good for two reasons. First because Alec Baldwin is just a funny fellow and looks good in a wig. Second because the Jonas Brothers didn't get any applause when they first showed up, which was hilarious, and they didn't seem to get that they were being made fun of the whole time. Ha.

In this one, it looks like they're masturbating!

The Vincent Price Valentine's Day special skit was probably the best of the evening. Those ones are always good though, if only because Kristen Wiig generally does a whacked-out Judy Garland or, in this case, Carol Channing impression. Raspberries! Too bad it's not available for embedding.

And having invested so much time in being a good guest himself on shows like Saturday Night Live, Baldwin no doubt disdains your disastrous performance on the Late Show the other night.

On the bright side, this is but the first of many times you'll serve as the punch-line for a joke about drugs or TV interviews. Should keep your name out there.

Today on The View, the ladies bowed their heads as if at church to soberly listen to the tape of Christian Bale's DP-excoriating rant (though Elisabeth Hasselbeck cracked up during Bale's angry, "da-da-da-da" moment). Afterwards, though, they were mostly sympathetic—Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar confessed to some less-than-professional behavior, and View censors actually bleeped out a purely hypothetical rant where Behar mused about calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck an "asshole" (she's said worse!). The storytelling prompted Sherri Shepherd to confess that she would never be capable of such a thing, but she's certainly worked with some men who've had no trouble channeling their inner Bale. Of course, they all pale in comparison to View doyenne Barbara Walters when she's been deprived of her usual morning mug full of coffee, cayenne pepper, and the finger bones of Debbie Matenopolous. The screaming that follows that makes Bale look like an unimaginative, held-back second-grader.

• The View [ABC]

E! caught up with Edie Falco, who recurred memorably as Baldwin's love interest on the last season of 30 Rock. The actress said she'd love to make a return appearance in the sitcom—ironic, as she was terrified to do it at first until Baldwin's performance advice calmed her down:

As for working with this year's Best Actor and Actress in TV Golden Globes winners, Falco says, "I was actually very scared. You watch Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey; it's like they are speaking Swahili. It's like, 'What the hell is this?'"

Still, she says she learned a lot, especially from Mr. Jack Donaghy himself: "Alec Baldwin actually said to me, 'Everything you ever taught yourself as an actor not to do because it's bad acting, do it on this show.' Because it's larger than life, it's just different."

In a world where 30 Rock is filled with "bad acting," we can't imagine what tier the performances on 'Til Death, Two and a Half Men, and Gary Unmarried fall into. Sorry, Steve Carell and David Duchovny—do a little worse next time, and Baldwin's Golden Globe could be yours!

• Is Edie Falco Coming Back to 30 Rock? [E!]

This is just one element of the absolutely insane story Baldwin tells actor Christopher Kennedy Lawford for Moments of Clarity, Lawford's new book about addiction. Back when Baldwin was the trim, hirsute nighttime soap star you see pictured, he often found himself in druggy, boozy parties late at night, and why not? Naturally, he would cope with his inebriation by driving to an arcade warehouse at sunup to play Galaga. As you do.

"I would play video games from, like, 9 a.m. to 11 a.m., and I would wind down. Then I'd go home and go to bed," Baldwin writes.

"This was the only way I could go 'beta' and go into that state I needed to be, where I could calm down and take my mind off everything. I didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody, deal with anybody."

A "moment of clarity" came when he saw pity in the face of Julian, the person who ran the parlor.

"I was doing a show then [Knots Landing], making tens of thousands of dollars a week, which was part of the problem," he writes.

"Julian would put the key in the lock and open the door, and he would just kind of look at me like, 'Wow, I'm glad I'm not you.' "

Baldwin agreed. "You got no idea, Julian. Julian, I need you. I need you to get that key and open the f- - -ing door and let me in. I got to play 'Galaga.' "

Lost in the videogame's tractor beam, Baldwin found an addiction that could replace any cheap thrill produced by alcohol or drugs. Who needs chemical highs when you have the high scores of the sequel to Galaxian? Donkey Kong, the Burgertime chef, that cheap floozy Ms. Pac-Man...they don't judge, or ask why your lapel smells like Wild Turkey and hashish. They just beep and bop and beep and bop, providing a support group as pixellated as a drugged actor's eyes.

• BALDWIN: I WAS AN ALEC-OHOLIC [NY Post]

First, Baldwin blogged that Hillary Clinton's Senate spot ought to go to a woman (he suggested Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney), but shouldn't remain the "Celebrity Senate Seat" that Clinton transformed it into. Some of the HuffPo bloggers saw that as a veiled attack on potential seat-filler Caroline Kennedy, which Baldwin was not happy about:

Man-oh-man-oh-man! All of this tedious crap on the pages of this blog about how I do not love/appreciate Caroline Kennedy enough!

You're kidding, right?

My father was a Democratic committeeman in our home town. He took me to St. Patrick's for Senator Kennedy's funeral in 1968 when I was ten years old. I was bred to be a Democrat! I am friends with many members of that family. I am a fervent supporter of some of their individual causes. [...]

This is more about protecting a Democratic Senate seat than romanticizing it.

Appoint an individual (fine...man or woman) who has been elected to something. Something! Then there is a race in 2010, if I understand New York's electoral mechanics properly. That is not that long from now. Then certain New Yorkers could run. And probably win. I would probably vote for her (er...them).

Certainly, Alec knows a little something about the dynastic perils of politics; after all, were it not for his own good name, would we have had to deal with Stephen Baldwin's current right-wing punditry? Appoint Caroline Kennedy, and we could run the risk of a Senator with Miley Cyrus tattoos and a pressing need to give tax kickbacks to the Skinemax "erotic thriller" industry.

• Doing it with Care [HuffPo]

Baldwin prepped for his SAG rager last night in New York by taking on some of the Beltway's heaviest hitters, a spectrum of inquiries demanding to know if he liked kissing Jennifer Aniston a few weeks back on 30 Rock, if Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon might ever hook up, if he plans to buy a New York Mets casket, and the legal philosophies guiding joint-custody divorces. There's not a wasted word on the page, although a few of his more trenchant asides remind us how glad we are Baldwin finally agreed to meet his public:

Washington, D.C.: Good Afternoon Sir, If confronted with the situation in which you were in a knock down, drag out bar brawl including Val Kilmer, Tom Selleck, and Phil Collins, who wins and why?

Alec Baldwin: Although I could never envision myself in the same room with those three people, I have to give it to Phil Collins. From what I've seen, he's pretty fast with his hands.

[...]

Bennett Point, Md.: I polled my six children about their favorite Thomas the Tank Engine narrator and they rank you behind George Carlin and Ringo Starr. Do you consider them to be hard acts to follow?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, it's never easy to follow people in any job when you're part of a series, and I was a great admirer of Carlin, and though Ringo Starr isn't known for narrating children's programs, I was a great admirer of him also.

"Was" a great admirer? Oh, fine — Ringo's dead to us, too.

• Alec Baldwin on Fatherhood, '30 Rock,' Politics and More [WP]

• Alec Baldwin on Fatherhood, '30 Rock,' Politics and More - Canceled [WP]

A tipster follows up:

Your "Alec Baldwin in Love" Edition from 11/8, Saturday.........YUCK. That was him eating sushi with his DAUGHTER at Kushyu Restaurant in Woodland Hills. Whatever moron wrote that "tip" must be SICK. Granted, she's a really tall girl for her age, but she's ONLY 13 years old.

[Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Still, even though the two bonded while discussing Baldwin's "right-winger" brother Stephen, Alec's vote is all sewn up. And, as he says, the candidate he's pulling for is not the "guy running with Bible Spice." Still, if Bible Spice would be down for a February sweeps cameo on 30 Rock, then bygones!

• Late Show [CBS]

Did they get it? Well, kind of! Sarah Palin did indeed cameo — across two sketches, even — though she uttered barely more than two dozen words. In the weekend update, she threw limpid hands in the air as Amy Poehler indulged in a Palin rap, and in the cold open, she interrupted (with the help of Walhberg and Alec Baldwin) a press conference by Fey-as-Palin that was made all the more ironic by the fact that Palin herself will ring in Election Day as the only major ticket candidate to never hold a press conference. Comedy or tragedy? You decide!

• Saturday Night Live [NBC]

Recently, someone posted here a rather harsh criticism of the movie MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL and laid into me, with a vigorous and stinging tone, suggesting that the film was beneath me and that they were severely disappointed in me for participating in it.

They were right.

The movie is not very good at all.

The only thing I offer you is an explanation. Not an excuse.

In the movie business, few people, if any, set out to make a bad or even mediocre film. The script, director, cast and production values lead one to believe that there is an opportunity to be had there. Whether that opportunity is for a low-brow, yet funny, comedy or for a soaring drama, for an action film experience unlike any other or an unforgettable love story, movie people arrive at work with high hopes. They work hard to try to serve good material or elevate that material that may have a few "holes" in it.

But not every movie is THE GODFATHER or FORREST GUMP or ANNIE HALL.

Yes, I have made some pretty awful films. But, like most film and TV actors I have known, I would have gone to any lengths to make them better.

Filmmaking is a highly risky endeavor, more so today than ever.

For you. And for me.

Points for honesty, Alec, though we're beginning to get a little concerned about your new habit of diminishing every role you've ever taken, whether it's fluff like My Best Friend's Girl or a masterpiece like 30 Rock. Sir, you've got a well-earned Emmy — go rest on your laurels before you start disavowing your "In the Year 2000" guest stint on Conan O'Brien.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Guestbook [AlecBaldwin.com]