Yes, yes, we know. Everyone watched the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus Eight Kids, Several Lawyers, a Coupla Harrisburg Floozies, a Bald Bodyguard, and The Admonishing Visage of a Disappointed Jesus last night. Nine point eight million people who should be ashamed of themselves. Nine point eight million people who were giddy to see this marriage implode while eight poor halfsie children are cast to the winds of a world that will have little use for them when they grow older and stop being cute. What a cold dead place this ugly old rock is. But don't stuff that handful of Halcion down your gullet just yet. There's a glimmer on the horizon! Fran Rubel Kuzui, who so ably directed the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, and her husband, Kaz Kuzui, are planning a relaunch of the Buffy film series. One that will have nothing to do with the much beloved TV series. It's like vampires are popular these days or something! Actually, on second thought, go ahead and swallow that maw of pills now. [THR]

No one's watching anything because all is reruns, except for old people who don't remember that they already saw this episode. So, of course, CBS wins. [Variety]

Al Pacino would like to kill you. Humanely! Humanely. He's said to be eying the lead role of Jack Kevorkian in an upcoming HBO biopic. As long as Steve Buscemi can play Fred Leuchter in a cameo or something, we're happy. [THR]

If you're some kinda fag or dorky fairy chick, you might care about this. Mackenzie Crook—Gareth from The Office, Wooden Eye Guy in Pirates of the Caribbean, and a wonderful Konstantin Gavrilovich Treplyov in this past winter's The Seagull on Broadway—is gonna play in the second series of the BBC's Merlin thing. So, yeah, homo out or have a nerd grog party or something. We're gonna be over here lifting and thinking about Brooke Burns. [Variety]

Pissing On Your Childhood's Grave, Part MCXIV: A remake of Flight of the Navigator. Probably with computer graphics! [THR]

The movie's been on the table for some time now after Leonardo DiCaprio optioned it. Presumably he's attached as a cocky young fella who can "read" people in a blink of an eye. We read the script a while back and it's just... bad. Pacino will play DiCaprio's papa, a scheming finance mucky-muck who tries to reach out to his estranged kid when he needs his particular brand of expertise to "read" judges so he can win a lawsuit. But this wunderkind is not so smart to know that the girl he's fucking is 16.

Stephen Gaghan, he of Syriana and Traffic, got $2 million to write the strange thing for Universal. But now it's being produced as an indie and now with Pacino's involvement, it just reeks of a Devil's Advocate rehash. What with the menacing father wrangling his headstrong son to do wicked, magical things. In that earlier film Pacino was the devil. And these days, what with the economy and all, a Tri-State finance guy is basically the same thing. So basically the movie is based on the book in name only, a thin little launching pad to discuss issues of fathers and sons, abilities and responsibilities. With, you know, mind reading.

[Galleycat]

Gore Verbinski, who's directed some of the biggest hits in Hollywood from Mousehunt to The Mexican (oh, kidding, also The Ring) will not direct the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He directed the first three, but now he's done. He wants to take time to sit down, have a glass of red wine, gather his creative thoughts, and do something artistic. Like directing Bioshock, a movie based on a videogame. One for us, one for you, Gore. [Variety] Meanwhile Larry Charles, the fellow behind Borat, Bruno, and Curb Your Enthusiasm, has settled on his next movie. It's called Winter's Discontent. And it's about old people fucking. So. [Variety]

The sexy hunk of undead flesh from Moonlight, Alex O'Loughlin, has landed the starring role in the next Jennifer Q. Lopez film. It's about artificial insemination and, one would assume, big butts. [Variety] Sexy glowing green hunk of space rocks Leah Remini, who whirs like a spaceship and can speak Venusian, has landed a role in the hilarious-sounding ABC comedy pilot Don't Try This at Home (like the warning thing from things!). It's about, get this wacky plot, marriage and relationships and having kids in the suburbia and stuff. I know it sounds really out there, but give it a chance. I mean, we need new ideas in these worrisome times. [THR]

Notoriously short actor Al Pacino will be playing notoriously short warmonger Napoleon in a new film to be directed by the guy who did The Painted Veil. I just want to see Pacino in the hat. That's all. [THR] Speaking of power-mad world leaders who will stop at nothing to slake their unslakable bloodthirst, Sony has picked up international distribution rights for the new documentary We the People: The Election of Barack Obama. The filmmaker, sadly, has been missing since he turned in a print of the polemic to his producers, six months ago. He's expected to be found in a ditch somewhere in Colombia, his head cut off. Because that's the kind of guy Obama is. Just awful. [THR]

Take it away, Variety:

Aloe Entertainment has put together its New Testament ensemble for "Mary, Mother of Christ."

Camilla Belle ("10,000 BC") will star as the titular character and will be joined by Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the dual roles of Gabriel and Lucifer and Peter O'Toole as Symeon.

Al Pacino and Jessica Lange are in talks to play Herod and Anna the Prophetess.

Impressive, Miss Belle: if there's any way to score points with a squeaky-clean JoBro, it's by playing the ultimate virgin. Now, we turn to Jonas dumpee Taylor Swift for her next move; if she really wants a revenge trump card to play, it's time to see if the Tropic Thunder makeup whizzes can help her land a role in the Lifetime biopic Not Everyone is a Slut, Just Everyone Who's Not Me: The Jordin Sparks Story.

[Photo Credit: E!]

• Belle set as 'Mary, Mother of Christ' [Variety]

· The Weinstein Co. optioned Get Happy: the Life of Judy Garland for a biopic adaptation. It's going to have to really get the pill-popping details right if it hopes to be worshipped as a text as sacred as ABC's Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows in the annals of Orthodox Judyism. [Variety]
· The Dark Knight producers Charles Roven and Richard Suckle are developing Damascus Gate for Sony, a thriller set in modern-day Jerusalem in which a masked vigilante who calls himself Camel Man rids its cobbled streets of crime. [THR]
· Nine have signed with APA, including Elizabeth Berkley, Sean Astin, and Louie Anderson. But by morning, one will be dead! (Sorry, we had a Miss Marple moment.) [THR]
· In a shitergistic merger sure to thrill anyone who enjoys paying 25% service fees on top of already inflated concert ticket prices, Ticketmaster is close to combining operations with promoter Live Nation, resulting in megalithic concert concern Live Nation Ticketmaster. Bow down before it. [Variety]

From BBC:

The poster for Righteous Kill was displayed at the station where Mr [Charles] de Menezes, 27, was shot dead after being mistaken for a suicide bomber.

Its tagline read: "There's nothing wrong with a little shooting as long as the right people get shot."

The Advertising Standards Authority said it breached guidelines on decency.

"We understood the siting of the poster at the station was unintentional, but nevertheless considered that the text had the potential to cause serious offence in that location," the ASA said in its adjudication.

You gotta love the U.K.'s fastidious propriety standards. Only in England would a governmental bureau dedicated to enforcing ad-manners reprimand a studio for insensitively mounting a poster that mocks a tragic case of mistaken identity set to occur at some time in the future* three years prior. As a result of their efforts, however, we understand the offending materials have since been covered up, and the title of the movie has been replaced on all marquees with the far more delicate Heat 2: Warmed Over.

*We're informed the shooting took place there in 2005. Either way, Righteous Kill still sucks Scott Caan's balls.

• De Niro movie poster criticised [BBC]

Boomp3.com

Walking the velvety red steps at the third annual Rome Film Festival, acting legend Al Pacino delivered one of his more popular catch phrases to his adoring public. Pacino titled his sunglasses slightly and unleashed a mighty “HOO-ah!” to a thundering round of applause.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Proving that there’s no age limit on sex appeal, Al Pacino had the women swooning at the after party for Righteous Kill. Pacino chalked up his reinstated animal magnetism to the fact that he wears sunglasses at night. Pacino said, “Girls love a guy in shades. True story. I learned that on the set of The Godfather from Diane Keaton.” Pacino also felt that the shades allow him to get away with more. Pacino explained, “I was hugging Carla and I told her that I thought she was Bobby because you know, I couldn’t see anything with the shades on. It was nice.”

Photo Credit: Getty Images

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Righteous Kill star Al Pacino spent a majority of his Labor Day weekend camping out to be the first line for the annual Malibu chili cook off. Attending the cook off has become an essential part of Pacino's transition from the summer to the fall. Pacino said, "I spend all day basking in the cool breeze off the Pacific Ocean while enjoying some of the finest chili Malibu has to offer. Did you know that James Brolin makes a terrific chili? He does. Talk about your 'hooo-aaaah' moments. Must be the cumin."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Just an idea of the awesome '70s graphic design. Elton is psyched to talk about sex!

Warren Beatty discusses what turns him on. A definable waist is a must.

Al Pacino's fantasy involves boredom and a seven foot woman. Anyone care to deconstruct?

Jack Nicholson wants you to help him vomit. Any volunteers?

Two or three dozen naked women, Telly? Seriously?

Tina Turner is awesome. That is all.

Elton John's theme song is Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me."

Dear Pam Grier, Did you hear the one about Truman Capote being gay?

boomp3.com

The fingernails of Al Pacino sent tongues a-wagging at Madeo's on Sunday night. The iconic actor was seen sporting blue nail polish. When asked about it, Pacino said that he got a bit of Dodger fever. Pacino also told others at the famed Italian eatery that his kids got a little crazy at Color Me Mine and did a number on his fingers. Pacino added, "I just didn't have the heart to wash it off in front of them. They just did such a wonderful job. Maybe they want me to lighten up."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's installment: Lindsay Lohan (twice!), Katherine Heigl, Al Pacino, Adrian Grenier, Nicole Richie, Casey Affleck, Elijah Wood (with Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly), Eric Stoltz, Mario Lopez, Bryce Dallas Howard, Samantha Ronson, Larry King, Audina Patridge, Tommy Lee and Ludacris, Bradley Cooper, Clea Duvall, Ian Ziering and Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons.

FRIDAY, MAY 9
· Friday night I make a quick run into Toast for one of their yummy cupcakes. While I'm waiting, I look over and see uber hottie Bradley Cooper laying back on the couch. Sporting that sexy scruff and a shirt unbuttoned enough to get a shot of his nice chest. My gay porn fantasy come true! Oh...he was with some unrecognizable chick.
· Saw Casey Affleck, Summer Phoenix and two young kids dining with Clea Duvall, an unknown male and another small kid at Mexico City in Los Feliz. Nobody seemed to pay much attention but I was transfixed. Summer Phoenix sat facing the whole restaurant holding a small child. Her eyes are huge and she is a people watcher. Casey was very quiet and paid attention only to his small, hyper son.
· Lindsay Lohan walking into the Vista Theater in Silver Lake at 12 noon for a video shoot for the Make A Wish Foundation. The papanazis were right behind in minivans and SUV's, peeling into an alley one after the other like NASCAR drivers on meth (or Danica Patrick on a pit stop.) Hard to say who's more dangerous behind the wheel, Lindsay or these duds. I mean, dudes. No I don't.

SATURDAY, MAY 10
· At the Southern California Renaissance Faire I saw Tommy Lee and Ludacris filming an episode for their show Battleground Earth. They were supposedly learning how to make paper. Both were wearing extravagantly feathered 3 Musketeers hats.
· I saw Lindsay Lohan with Sam Ronson at the Beachwood Market; they were shopping for a lot of groceries (including toilet paper, cause everyone shits), but NO BOOZE.
· Al Pacino shops at Target (at the mall in Hollywood). Saw him in the toy section with some little kid (son? grandson?). He was in that all in black, oversized blazer, baggy pants look, and my girlfriend thought he was Richard Lewis.
· Katherine Heigl exits the Say Cheese in Silverlake at Hyperion and Monon and the paparazzi swarm around her making a huge scene. Katherine looks great and handles it well but it looks annoying as F**k. These paparazzi look like total scum and K.H. is soooo boooooring anyway. The whole situation is bizarre but for some reason people like seeing people in movies walk in and out of stores.
· After suffering through the stank of dog urine at Runyon Canyon, my friends and I are blinded by the site of some chick with ginormous boobs. They were so distracting that we almost missed that she was with none other than Steve Sanders himself - Ian Ziering.
· I have never felt uglier sending a sighting in than i do right now. Saturday evening @ the gelson's in calabasas, I saw Jeffrey Tambor buying a travel-sized saline solution and a single fleet enema. Hey now!

TUESDAY, MAY 13
· I saw Diedrich Bader and Jamie Kennedy at Mozza. Damn, that place is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
· I spotted hobbits Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (with girlfriend Evangeline Lilly in tow) checking out singer/songwriter Matt Miller's set at King's Road Cafe. Unfortunately, there was no cover of Leonard Nimoy's 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins', but that would've been amazing.

THURSDAY, MAY 15
· Rode the elevator with Beyonce and her security guy at Jay-Z's Roc The Mic Studios on 27th street about 5 mins ago. Very pretty -not noticeably pregnant. Also, the asshole security guard blocked her off from just me like she was royalty.

SUNDAY, MAY 18
· The opening of Two Unrelated Plays by David Mamet at the Kirk Douglas was the place to be for random celeb (ok, generous) sightings on a Sunday afternoon. Felicity Huffman, Eric Stoltz, Tate Donovan, Joe Mantegna, Kate Burton, Julianne Phillips, and Ricky Jay were all present and accounted for.
· Bryce Dallas Howard with baby and a companion (not sure if it was husband Seth Gabel or not, but I'm kicking myself for not paying attention to a potential Jeremy Darling sighting!) leaving Whole Foods at Fairfax & Santa Monica.

MONDAY, MAY 19
· Mario Lopez at T-Mobile Store at One Embarcadero Center in San Francisco. With a mustachioed handler. Tight green shirt (showed off the guns), woven leather belt and jeans. Didn't really believe it was him until one of the (male) cashiers asked him for a cell phone photo, which he gave graciously. As soon as he left the store, all three male cashiers huddled over the cell phone photo and discussed Saved By The Bell episodes.
· Mickey Gubitosi AKA Robert Blake at the Pinkberry looking happy, healthy and enjoying the goodness that is Crackberry. Looks like he has been hitting the gym. It's nice to him happy again. [Ed Note — Um, we guess?]

TUESDAY, MAY 20
· Saw the ESPN Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) eating a fancy lunch at Campanile with the Sports Gal (wife), kid, and what looked like either his or his wife's mom (5/20). This sighting probably means nothing to 90% of Defamer readers but for us heterosexual males in our 30s it's a big deal.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
· Saw Adrian Grenier at the El Rey at the sold-out Kills show. His appearance in the crowd triggered several conversations around me that went exactly like this: "Do you watch Entourage?" "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhyeeeeah, well, I used to...then I totally got sick of it."

THURSDAY, MAY 22
· Saw Nicole Richie at Katsu-Ya in Studio City. She was teeny tiny, wearing a dirty white hoodie (that was too big) with leggings and had her hood up most of the time. Sorry Nicole, there's no mistaking that mug! She waited for a long time for a table and finally settled down at the sushi bar. She was with a nondescript female and was not approached by anyone. She was a bit boring, but my friends visiting from New York got the celeb sighting they were hoping for!
· Thurs. 5/22. Saw Paula Poundstone at the Coffee Bean in the lobby of the CAA building asking the barista if he wanted an extra ticket to an LA Sparks game.

FRIDAY, MAY 23
· Wee little Christian Siriano spotted in West Hollywood last night- giving out hugs to fans on San Vicente and Santa Monica, wearing a black beanie, black trench coat, black skinny jeans and silver reflective high top sneakers (possibly Nikes?). Fierce!
· Was walking out of Indy 4 at the Arclight Hollywood and saw Jacinda Barrett having a chat with 2 guys. White long sleeve shirt under a black short sleeve one and super skinny jeans. So skinny in fact I almost bought her a pesto sausage from the snack bar.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
· Saw Audina Patridge around 6:30PM at the Happy Nail salon at West Hollywood Gateway center. The salon madame was clearly impressed with her walk-in client, who arrived with a friend girl. Since I was with my only friend who gives a shit about The Hills, Defamer has the privilege of being my "OMG, guess who I just saw" email.

SUNDAY, MAY 25
· Oh. My. God. F-List reality night at Barney's Beanery (WeHo branch on Santa Monica Blvd.) on Sunday night for karaoke. First of all, some dude is singing Kiss by Prince and surprisingly hitting all the notes, and it turns out to be that black trainer with the dreads from Work Out on Bravo. Not a bad singer! THEN. I am talking to a group of people who include these two tall identical blond dudes. Today whilst trolling the blogs I see one of them in the teaser for the new VH1 show I Love Money, and I realize that he was Mr. Boston from I Love New York. He has an identical twin. They are both kind of dorky and awkward.
· Wandering in and out between the parked cars in the 700 block of Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills Sunday morning: Larry King. Note to Larry — those speeding metal chariots will hurt you. Use your phone on the sidewalk.

I cringed when I read the denigrating remarks made about two wonderful actors, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro.

One of the most important industries in our country is the film industry. Our movies reach out to every corner of the world. Our stars are appreciated everywhere.

Al Pacino and Robert De Niro are two of our very important stars. They have made movies that will never be forgotten. I think you owe them an apology.

Kirk Douglas
Los Angeles

Indeed, one might presume that seasoned film biz columnist Patrick Goldstein would know this about our "most important industries," not to mention the global repercussions for his having dinged the decrepit duo. Having now upset both the industry's delicate economic balance and Kirk Douglas, we expect Goldstein's apology should be forthcoming any minute now. Meanwhile, we hear an angry Bruce Willis is drafting a retort to the letter directly preceding Douglas's, which namechecks Ashton Kutcher and Hayden Christensen as low-rent contemporary analogues that cement the Pacino/De Niro legend. This industrial indignity cannot stand.

• Putting in a good word for Pacino, De Niro [LAT via MCN]

Clearly having filibustered enough last week on Letterman, Pacino declined Goldstein's interview requests. But inveterate B-movie godfather Avi Lerner wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to spin:

"I like [88 Minutes] — it's exactly the movie I wanted it to be," he says. "The critics can say what they want. That's the great thing about America. Everyone gets to have their opinion. It hurts when people call and say the reviews were terrible. But I don't read reviews. I hardly read anything." (Lerner is famous for not reading scripts either, though he insists he read 88 Minutes.) ...

When I asked if the scathing reviews for 88 Minutes could damage [Righteous Kill]'s commercial chances, he joked: "Hey, it's two different movies, two different sets of 17 producers." Turning serious, he said: "They are still two icons. If you get out of Beverly Hills, to Ventura Boulevard, every person you ask will say — we want to see them together. Just like people did for Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in The Bucket List. And they're even older!"

Oh, now we get it: We just have to "get out of Beverly Hills" and into the parallel universe where the hoi polloi eat up hammy, old-man condescension like sweets. At these prices, though (Goldstein puts Pacino's 88 Minutes price tag at $9 million), we can't imagine many souls that wouldn't be for sale. Alas, we'll always have Heat.

[Photo Credit: Splash]

• Pacino and De Niro: How the Mighty Have Fallen [LAT]

boomp3.com

While walking the press line at the screening of 88 Minutes, Al Pacino greeted each reporter — even the local Las Vegas affiliates — with the once funny, but now just sad "Hoo-ah!" line from Scent of a Woman. Pacino paused for a moment after being interviewed by a Las Vegas film critic and wondered if this was why he started to act all those years ago in New York City.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Somewhat astonishingly, their All-Time Low Scores—a Cinematic Excrement Hall of Fame, if you will—ranks it at #3, bested only by Bio-Dome, and lesser-known, gay-Holocaust-romance-with-supernatural-elements drama, The Singing Forest. (We highly recommend watching the trailer.) With Uwe Boll coming in at a relatively respectable #18 for Alone in the Dark, we imagine it's only a matter of time before the reviled director adds 88-helmer Jon Avnet to his ever-growing shlockteur shit list, filled with those guilty of unleashing far more heinous cinematic crimes upon the moviegoing public than he.

• All-Time Low Scores: The Worst-Reviewed Movies [Metacritic]