Now that Emanuel has successfully merged Endeavor, the agency he co-founded, with the venerable William Morris Agency, he has the opportunity to "fuck CAA," something that's been rumored to motivate him to get out of bed each morning. How will Emanuel do it? By controlling everything.

Ari Emanuel has made a bold calculation: in order to survive, talent firms are going to have to do more. They must stop being simple deal-makers, become "mega-agencies" – vast, multi-faceted companies with marketing departments, events divisions, and new media offshoots which help clients to leverage income from a wide variety of sources.

Agents will also have to take a more pro-active role in the actual creation of films, making them more likely to be called upon to "package" a production: attaching directors, producers, and actors from their own stable to a particular project, before selling it to the studios.

In such a business, larger firms boast a huge competitive advantage. CAA recently announced it will move into new territory financing new films. Taken to its natural conclusion, this could dramatically alter the sort of films that make it to cinemas.

Optimists, which Hollywood is never short of, believe that this represents the potential to produce a new "golden age" of film-making, where power is returned to creatives, instead of being stifled by studios. "Ari created his new firm because he knew he had to be big to be at the level where he could successfully do that," says a former colleague of Emanuel's. "It's a gamble, frankly, but if anyone can pull it off, he can."

Whether or not "packaging" and the ever-growing power of Hollywood talent management firms is a good or bad thing is open to debate, and frankly we're kind of torn on the matter, but for anyone to suggest, as the anonymous "optimists" cited in the article do, that the industry's progression toward mega-agencies is even remotely rooted in an idealistic desire to revitalize its level of artistic integrity is, well, just plain stupid.

The types of people who become agents are almost universally motivated by one thing—Money. And sex, but mostly money. Even more so than the people who work in studios, agents are driven by greed. Just ask anyone who's ever had an agent in Hollywood and we're pretty sure that they'll confirm that. Not that's there's anything all too necessarily wrong with that, we just felt compelled to address that ridiculous fantasy here and now.

Finally, with all this hype going around about Ari Emanuel, we're kind of eager to see how his inevitable downfall will play out. Will some renegade screenwriter step up to be the Joe Eszterhas to Ari's Mike Ovitz? Regardless, we give Ari's reign of terror somewhere between five and ten years, depending on how long his brother is working in the White House. Hollywood may be a town full of pricks, but it's a town with a history of taking down any one prick that dares to swell too much bigger than any of the others.

Ari Emanuel: 21st Century Hollywood Mogul [Independent]

Ari "has emerged in the last six weeks as the pre-eminent power player in a Hollywood that has often bemoaned the sunset of colorful moguls from an older generation...." What has he done in those six weeks, exactly? He merged his agency with William Morris and then fired everyone at William Morris.

But we all know that Ari is relentlessly ambitious and cutthroat—in fact we know this is true of the entire Emanuel family, even the doctor one. So what is really different? Why does it matter that Ari is threatening the co-chairman of NBC Entertainment "with personal ruin"? Surely he's done that a million times before?

"Nobody wants to be on the wrong side of Ari Emanuel, especially now that his brother is running the White House," said one television executive, who asked for anonymity to preserve harmony with him.

Oh, hah. Of course! Rahm is the most second-most powerful man in the country now, so all of show business belongs to his brother.

[Photo: Getty]

Friday's premiere of Tell Tale, which stars Josh Lucas as a man hunting for the guy who murdered the person whose heart he just had transplanted into himself (yes), was interrupted right in the middle of the ultra-violent, climactic torture-porn sequence. Though some people thought the whole incident was a publicity hoax, when people realized that the man was not well, an ambulance was called and the lights came up. So the director, Michael Cuesta, was upset, sure, but an agent from Endeavor was spotted going apeshit.

The audience was told the final five minutes would be shown as soon as the man was tended to, but most people started filing out, getting a good look, a witness tells Gawker, at Dawn Saltzman bellowing into her phone, seemingly irate that something as small as a man suddenly passing out in a crowded theater would stop something as insanely important as a horror movie screening. At least, I guess, she had her client's (and her) interests right up there at number one.

They're a quartet of rapping Hollywood assistants (or aspiring actors playing Hollywood assistants) who are probably referring to Lloyd from Entourage when they tell you "shorty gonna be a thug," and define street cred by how quickly you can get Ellen Page's lesbian publicist on the phone without checking Outlook. And while we would have posted this anyway, they did an especially nice job of assistanty ass-kissing by including references to going "back to the Death Star," and actually namechecking Defamer at the 3:29 mark (accompanied by a very convincing-looking mock-up post). Nice, fellas! You'll go far in this town. Hit us up if your boss gets shitcanned, and you don't mind having entire plastic takeout containers of salad thrown in your face when you fail to remind the Daily Grill to leave the capers out of our Nicoise.

• Hollywood ASST [Vimeo]
• Backoftheclass.net

From their report:

[T]alks have heated up between upstart Endeavor and venerable William Morris to the point where I'm being told the odds are "70/30" that the two agencies will do a merger deal...I hear Ari Emanuel may run the combined agency as long as Jim Wiatt gets a fancy title and an uber-lucrative contract.

A stumbling economy can make for strange bedfellows, for as recently as six months ago WMA would likely have never even entertained Emanuel's offer of a $300 gas card and unlimited Netflix subscription in exchange for their reality-show-packaging contract clearinghouse. The consolidation of the William Morris mailroom with the Endeavor kitchen supply closet will provide Hollywood with one agent-launching hotbed, producing a baby-gobbling army estimable enough to finally defeat the evil CAA Death Star. Their ability to offer no interruption in their parking validation service will be but the final coup de grâce.

• IT'S FOR REAL: Endeavor And William Morris Talking About Teaming Up [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

· A tipster writes: "CAA is no longer validating parking. So if you are there for a meeting before 5pm, you have to pay $35 for parking." Is this true? Let us know.
· Meanwhile, blowing some dude in the bathrooms is still free of charge. (Same as on the Disney lot, too, Green Sweater Guy.)
· Finally—the first 3-D porn is shooting. Good thing you're wearing plastic glasses.
· We love nothing more than some gefilte celebrity: Here's the perfect British movie star, comprising Hugh Grant's hair, Daniel Craig's eyes, Orlando Bloom's nose, and Ewan McGregor's jaw. Result? Um—positively gorgeous!
· NBC finds a captive audience in American Airlines flights.

And how did the ubiquitous hipster documentarian penetrate the inner sanctum of Hollywood's Wormhole to the White House™? We're not entirely sure, but we know partner Tom Strickler signed off on it, and even answered some interview questions left for him on a whiteboard. (Cobrasnake: "What is the best advice you can offer someone starting in the mail room at Endeavor?" Strickler: "Work work work work work work.") There's also some great shots of life behind the scenes at the Hollywood power-brokerage—everything from 189-line telephones to bedraggled assistants to Strickler and his team of hardworking baby-devourers themselves. Ari Emanuel, however, is nowhere to be found. Nice work, Cobrasnake! Now put some pants on.

More photos:

[Photo credits: Mark "The Cobrasnake" Hunter]
[Except the one of Lloyd. That's just a joke.]

• Endeavor [The Selby]

1. Their father is an Israel-born pediatrician, their mother a former X-ray technician, a onetime rock club owner, and a civil rights activist. She would take her sons along on the demonstrations if they were peaceful.
2. They grew up poor, leaving one apartment because it was rat-infested, and another because neighbors complained that the three Emanuel boys were too rambunctious.
3. He lost half of his right middle finger after a meat-slicer accident while working at Arby's as a teenager. It happened on prom night, and led to a bone and blood infection that nearly took his life. His fever went as high as 106.

4. Rahm is the inspiration for Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on The West Wing.
5. He was encouraged to take ballet lessons as a boy, and he excelled at it so much, he eventually won a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet. He turned it down to attend Sarah Lawrence College.
6. He worked on Paul Simon's 1984 Senate bid.
7. He volunteered in Israel during the Gulf War, and was assigned to rust-proof breaks at an army base.
8. The same year, he convinced Bill Clinton to put off campaigning in New Hampshire to raise funds instead. It was a strategy credited with winning Clinton the election.
9. He acted as a senior advisor in the Clinton regime from 1993 to 1998, but was demoted one year after Clinton took office. After the '96 election, he planned on quitting, but Clinton gave him George Stephanopoulos's post as senior advisor for policy and strategy.
10. During his 1992 run for Congress, Edward Moskal, president of the Polish American Congress, called him a "millionaire carpetbagger who knows nothing [about] our heritage." He also falsely claimed that Rahm was a dual Israeli citizen and fought in their army.
11. He was named DCCC chairman in 2005, and butted heads with DNC chair Howard Dean over Dean's "50-state" strategy—in one heated exchange, Rahm even lobbed an F-bomb and stormed out of the room.
12. Torn over who to support in a Presidential bid between longtime friend Hillary and home-state senator Barack, Rahm said, "I'm hiding under the desk. I'm very far under the desk, and I'm bringing my paper and my phone."
13. He practices Orthodox Judaism with his wife, Amy Rule, and their three children, Zacharias, Ilana, and Leah.
14. He's a triathlete.
15. His name means "high" in Hebrew.
16. He doesn't recommend that colleagues appear on The Colbert Report, though he himself has appeared numerous times on The Daily Show.
17. His date of birth is November 29th, 1959.
18. He has photos of sunsets in his office and David Gray on his iPod.
19. He's quick with a zinger. Example: On the Clinton Days: “Back then, stimulus and package had a whole different meaning.” ”I’ve spent more alone time with Bill than Hillary.” On Fred Thompson: “He had an interesting take on No Child Left Behind. He married one.”
20. His nickname is Rahmbo. Even his mother uses it.

I'm told that, shortly after, a group of UTA employees comprised primarily of African Americans complained to the tenpercentery's human resources department that the image was "derogatory" to blacks.

"Collectively the employees of color now feel uncomfortable and unwelcome," one of the staffers emailed me when it happened. "This is not the first time racial discrimination has been exhibited at United Talent Agency, but it is the first time that it has been put on public view."

A discussion followed in which Zimmer tried to defend the artist's pedigree, but no matter how articulately he described the portrait's sensitive encapsulation of the African condition, all the employees could see was a sad looking black guy chained to a monkey. Zimmer eventually capitulated and relocated the piece to his office, allowing only A-list clients to get lost inside Dayaba and monkey's soul-piercing gazes. The affronted agents, meanwhile, went back about their baby-gobbling pursuits.

• UTA's Zimmer Provoked Racial Protest [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

After the jump: Which agent kissed off WMA, taking her highish-profile client list to UTA?

· Rachel Getting Married and Religulous's healthy performance at the box office—to say nothing of Kirk Cameron's fireman-wife-God love triangle movie Fireproof—mark a new Golden Age for specialty cinema. Hooray for Specialtywood! [Variety]
· After two weeks of ratings declines, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters have plateaued. [THR]
· Theresa Peters—-the agent of James McAvoy, Kirsten Dunst, Mandy Moore, Joshua Jackson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan—left WMA, and joined UTA as a partner, adding a couple of semi-heavy-hitters to its recent gets of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Miley Cyrus and Seth Green. [THR]

10/07/2008
4th Assistant
Director of Development seeks 4th Assistant. Previous 4th Assistant took 2nd Assistant position elsewhere. Duties include assisting 3rd Assistant with 1st Assistant's personal errands and filling in for 3rd Assistant when 3rd Assistant substitutes for 2nd Assistant if 2nd Assistant is out sick or shadowing 1st Assistant, lunch pick-ups for 1st-3rd Assistants and light filing. Benefits after 3 months. Excellent opportunity for someone looking to become a 3rd assistant. 10/7

9/24/2008
Assistant - Female Celebrity/Mogul
Successful female celebrity/entrepreneur seeks trustworthy assistant. She is very high-profile so you must always be presentably and stylishly dressed, as you will be seen in paparazzi shots behind/next to her. Have had problems with assistants with bad skin in past. Must be perfectly moisturized, small unclogged pores, no blackheads, pockmarks, Café au lait spots, eczema, rosacea. Skin tone must complement celebrity in all lighting conditions. Please email resume, recent photograph and 3 references who can attest to the flawless condition of your skin (Think dermatologist, waxer, etc.). 9/24

Fret not if you happen to be weak at assistant-based integers or have a less-than-flawless complexion, as there are plenty of other options on this [if you haven't yet caught on, totally bogus] job board. So what are you waiting for? Your dreams are just 14,000 rolled calls at slightly above minimum wage without any health benefits away!

[Photo credit: Hollywood Assistant's Handbook]

• UTA Job List - Where Dreamers Go To Find Assistant Jobs

Rancic, who hosts E! News with Ryan Seacrest, is suing her former agency for "breach of contract and fiduciary duty," according to her lawyer, Lavely & Singer bulldog Paul Sorrell. "They put the interests of other clients they had ahead of hers," Sorrell said. "It was a major conflict of interest, so she fired them."

Now that the Dam of Obviousness has been breached, we expect lawsuits against WMA any minute on the grounds that "they exist," "they take ten percent commission," and "they're mean." We've contacted William Morris for comment, though we've been assured "they'll get back to you soon, they're just at lunch — I mean, 'really swamped right now.'"

• SUE THE AGENT [New York Post]

Clients like Aaron Sorkin—whose tragically short-lived observational masterwork, Studio 60, managed in one short season to get Americans thinking as much about blacklisted WGA veterans and U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan as it did about the serious-minded process of unfunny-sketch-show mounting. But while Emanuel is quick to deflect his accomplishments in favor of those of his higher-profile clients, we'd suggest no one has affected more positive change than Ari himself, his battered Prius the pace-car for the entire Hollywood conscience derby.

• A discussion about healthcare with Ezekiel, Ari, and Rahm Emanuel [Charlie Rose]

Let me preface by saying as an assistant here, there isn't as much baby eating as the defamer HQ might think. It's actually quite corporate and business-friendly, and it's honestly a really good company to work for (especially when there are so few jobs out there overall).

BUT, this parking thing is really annoying.

Not only do we get packed in like sardines on p4, but many of us have emailed the hr department just asking why the change, but no explanation has been given. It easily adds 20 minutes of frustration to my day (I get enough the other 10 hours I'm here, I don't want to be frustrated when I shouldn't have to be), not to mention the time I spend stuck on the escalator behind people who refuse to treat it as anything other than a leisurely ride (STOP STANDING ON THE FUCKING ESCALATOR, IF YOU WERE THAT LAZY JUST WAIT AN EXTRA MINUTE AND TAKE THE DAMN ELEVATOR).

Ironically, if it is a cost-cutting measure, as I'm sure it is, much of the savings has to be spent on the 20 or so employees they have down there just directing us where to turn, where to park, moving the cars around, getting us our keys, and generally just standing around pretending to be busy. Not to mention all the little pieces of cardboard paper they're wasting.

Blech.

Blech indeed. We'd recommend downloading a PDF of the complete Los Angeles County Metropolitan Transportation Authority Metro Bus & Metro Rail System Map, but we understand how some agents prefer that their assistants not use public transportation, in case they get a mid-afternoon hankering for some green tea Pinkbaby ("Fool! I said Cocoa Krispies—not Cap'n Crunch!") and need to dispatch their employees for a quick run.

• Previously: CAA Assistants Banished To The Darkest Reaches Of Death Star's Reactor Parking Core [Defamer]

I'm told that CAA is making all their assistants park in the bottom level of their garage in horrid stack parking.

Plus, there's only one elevator that goes down there at 2000 Avenue Of The Stars. And there's some sort of tracking system to make sure the peons park in their pen. Also, some of the assistants have been stuck in the garage for 30 minutes because the valets lost their keys with the stack parking.

We're concerned. The Death Star's P-4 level is a dangerous place for someone to wander alone. Forget rapists—those guys are all upstairs—this concrete dungeon, a full level beneath the infant-blood-filled oak-barrels on P-3, is teeming with Parking Structure Trolls and the highly magnetized, tinfoil-wrapped remains of an other-worldly visitor the attendants call "the Ovitz." Just be careful down there, guys, OK?

• CAA's New Way of Humiliating Assistants [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Deadline Hollywood Daily is reporting that earlier today, star Emile Hirsch informed UTA, his agency of seven years, that he would no longer be using their services. They write: "[Hirsch] is planning to park himself with his manager Sam Maydew, I'm told. 'He claims he just doesn't want an agent.'" His agent Shani Rosenzweig, meanwhile, is described as "gobsmacked" by the news, a state of shock that falls somewhere between "flabbergasted," "blindsinded," and "OMFG" on the stunned-reaction spectrum. It will certainly be a sad moment this coming awards season when he and Rosenzweig aren't able to share in any accolades bestowed upon the young actor for his physically taxing performance as an overcaffeinated AV club geek in Gus Van Sant's Milk.

• More 'Speed Racer' Fallout: Emile Hirsch Exits United Talent; "Total Shocker" [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
• 'Speed Racer' comes in 3rd as 'Iron Man' maintains grip [AP]

And why the sudden case of itchy feet? Posits Variety:

Writers and their agents say that the post-writers strike and pre-actors strike funk has ramped up agency raiding of rival clients...Add in stress-inducing factors — expected post-strike writing assignments that never materialized; studios squeezing quotes on the few jobs that do exist; studios having filled out slates through 2009; and the lack of greenlights until a SAG deal is in place — and the combination is a perfect storm of anxiety that has made talent, writers included, particularly susceptible to sweet talk from other agents.

Or maybe they're just promiscuous rep-sluts, in dire of a Dr. Drew® Intervention™.

• Top Hollywood scribes making moves [Variety]

Everyone's favorite actor/producer/restaurateur Ashton Kutcher has announced he is leaving Endeavor, the agency he's been with for a decade, and for the cozier confines of the CAA Death Star. Known for their ability to revive careers, CAA may have an uphill battle with an actor whose only successful role was also his first (as lovable dimwit Michael Kelso on That '70s Show).

Luckily for the agency, they stand to take a percentage of the TV shows Kutcher will develop as a producer with his company Katalyst (which have so far included some surprisingly good series, like Punk'd, Beauty and the Geek, Miss Guided and Pop Fiction). Unfortunately, his new agents at CAA will not get a cut from the ridonkulously popular clubs and restaurants Ashton holds a stake in with the Dolce Group. Nor will they get to have sex with Demi Moore.

• Ashton Kutcher Signs With CAA [Variety]