1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

"There is no sex tape," Adnan tells Star exclusively, "and I've never claimed there is one."

Adnan says he's prepared to take legal action over the false claims attributed to him. The original story quoted Adnan talking about his intention to sell a two-hour tape he made with Britney in Mexico last January. The tape was said to show a naked Britney writhing around on a bed wearing just her famous pink wig.

"I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from," says Adnan. "What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me."

"There is no sex tape," he continues. "That is the end of the matter."

Silly Adnan, there will never be any end to this matter. The Britney Spears sex tape story is one that will live on to the end of time, with sightings scattered from the wilds of the Midwest to the bustling street scene of Tokyo, each a hoaxer with a grainy mini-DV camera, a pink wig, and a whole lot of dreams.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Exclusive: Britney's Ex: "There's No Sex Tape" [Star]

Part 1: How Pamela Anderson Ruined Sex
You may remember, especially you craven young men, that in 1998 Playboy posette and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was filmed by her new husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, while they did the nasty on some sort of houseboat. Her iconic status at the time, combined with the sheer amazement over Lee's substantial manhood, created what was really the first modern sex tape craze. Perpetuated by the newly discovered internet, the tape became an international phenomenon. It's not just that everyone heard of it, everyone saw it, too. Both Anderson and Lee still enjoy some strange mutation of fame, though they've long since separated and gotten back together and separated again and gotten back together again, etc. What this tape really did, aside from aid these two people, was ruin sex by finally and viscerally commodifying it. Sure there has always been pornography, but this was something different. Famous people who were not hardcore porn actors, but regular (albeit frequently nude on Pam's part) celebrities. Famous people, however (un)intentionally, caught while engaging in the most basic and carnal animal harmony. And now, without the nuisance of seeming like a hooker or a porn star who entered into the act with the intention of making money, one's lovemaking could at some point turn a profit. And the public was both more interested in and more perilously desensitized to the whole idea. Some fourth wall cracked and crumbled that day, opening a hole through which slithered a whole different dimension's worth neo-celebrities.

Part 2: How Paris Hilton Ruined Celebrity
Encouraged no doubt by the crazy zeitgest of the Anderson/Lee tape, budding socialite and headline-grabber Paris Hilton recorded her sex-making with famous dater-of-trashy-celebrities Rick Salomon. It was first leaked, in 2004, onto the internet by (public opinion seems to hold) Mr. Salomon and Hilton initially tried to block it from being released. But, you know, then she saw that it was popular and said 'fuck it' and agreed to its release and now makes money off of the tape, which was eventually titled One Night in Paris. And that, really, was that. Hilton was, yes, already sorta famous, but this sent her into an entirely new strata of celebrity. Suddenly she was the infamous darling of late night jokesters and burgeoning gossip bloggers. Her name was even co-opted by Mario Lavandeira, who assumed the identity Perez Hilton to start his odious gossip rag in 2005. And that's where the already-rickety wheels of the celebrity-industrial complex began to spin off and clatter down the mine shaft ahead of us. An entirely new set of rules about how famous people are made and what keeps people famous and Why We Care was beginning to form, all because Hilton seemed to be becoming one of the most famous people in America simply because she wore pink clothes and let some grody guy from Neptune, New Jersey fuck her with the nightvision on. She possessed no discernible talent other than the uncanny ability to make people, against their better judgment, pay attention. She rewrote the manual, and many other people would follow.

Part 3: How Kim Kardashian Ruined America
And then came Kim Kardashian, whose mother is married to athlete Bruce Jenner or something. She had a large butt and was dating Ray J, the little brother of former celebrity Brandy. She and Ray J boffed in like 2007, I think, and the tape was released. And oh my god. Kim was so freaking mad that she sued the company, Vivid Entertainment, that released the tape. Eventually she dropped the lawsuit and settled for a measly ol' five million dollars. And then. And then she became famous. She was on red carpets and people talked about her and she embarrassed herself on The View (just like a real celebrity!) and she got her own reality show and somehow helped make her even less interesting sisters sort-of-famous, too. Where Paris Hilton developed a coy relationship with magazine creations of this bleak new millennium like Us Weekly and InTouch, teasing things at them to keep everyone interested, Kardashian just barnstorms through things, ass-bellowing and demanding attention for the stupidest of events and occurrences, flaunting the fact that, to paraphrase Soup host and possible savior of pop culture Joel McHale, she is famous simply for having a big butt and a sex tape. So how does this large-caboosed blip on the radar get blamed for the ruination of these United States? Well, maybe she and her sex tape didn't necessarily ruin it themselves, but they do represent everything that is wrong and broken and bankrupt and ill of this "uh oh, everyone put your goggles on!" experiment. Kardashian's success proves that Hilton's new rules do, in fact, work in some inexplicable way. And, more importantly, the whole boondoggle suggests that many of us care (even if we're doing it ironically, we're still paying attention) as much, if not more, about the frivolous self-exploitation of a stranger's body as we do about fractious and dangerous political landscapes, about holes we've torn in the very fabric of the sky, about people dying from all imaginable kinds of neglect. Nah, we're too busy watching Access Hollywood scream at us that Kardashian cut her toe in a New York City hotel room (this was an actual top story) to pay attention to the fact that the rug, upon which they (and we) are fucking for the camera, is being pulled out from under our sweaty, writhing, desperate selves.

So let this Britney tape—the Holy of Holies, the culmination of all things—sing us sweet tidings of eternal rapture. Or damnation. Or whatever. I just can't watch any more promos for Dancing With the Sex Tape Stars.

ADNAN GHALIB, the British pap whom she dated during her breakdown, says he WILL sell the tape for the right price.

He told Heat magazine: "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries.

"Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further."

An unconfirmed source claims the two-hour X-rated footage features Britney naked wearing just a pink wig and was allegedly shot in Mexico.

Adnan added: “I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney."

Well, how kind of him! We supposed it's hard to be shocked by Ghalib's betrayal, given that it's his job to sell footage of celebrities in incriminating positions, but we do wonder what's taken him so long to put the tape on the market. Was Ghalib waiting for Spears to mount a proper comeback, or was his possible attempt to blackmail the singer met with one Cheeto-stained middle finger?

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Adnan: I have Britney sex tape [The Sun]

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

Adnan's presumably tear-drenched note is pictured here, courtesy of The Sun:

As far as we can tell, the note reads: "Britney Bebe I really miss you, lots and lots and lots,. Cant Wait til you come home to a milky bowl of soup. Love You always. [Testicular-shaped heart] Adnan." Which is really the sweetest "I'm sorry I cheated" letter we've read since that time our 7th grade kissing buddy told us he liked feeling us up lots and lots and lots and would have a bowl full of Alphabet Soup waiting for us in the cafeteria during recess. (Seriously, what is this guy, 35 going on 3? Stop! The! Insanity!)

[Photo Credit: The Sun]

• ANGRY BRITNEY SPEARS THROWS ADNAN GHALIB'S IPHONE INTO POOL [The Sun]

For one thing, Britney sporting a minor bloat anywhere near her uterus is neither a confirmation of pregnancy nor what anyone with a sane mind would consider to be "news." Rather, that's just how her body looks these days (besides, after having two children and losing a very public battle with Cheeto addiction, who can blame her?). Additionally, just about everything coming out of her camp of late seems to have very little to do with anything resembling the truth. That rubbish about her getting married to Adnan in a secret ceremony in Mexico? No dice. Brit sending her driver to buy meth in a dark alley? No evidence. So congratulations, Star! You've got yourselves an explosive cover story with the believability quotient of the late, great Weekly World News' Batboy coverage. Best of luck to you with your upcoming "Britney Impregnated At Area 51" exclusive!

• EXCLUSIVE: ADNAN: BRITNEY'S HAVING MY BABY! [Star]

OK!
"Angie's Joy, Jen's Pain." Intern Sharon didn't even read the whole cover story because she's so sick of Angelina vs. Jennifer crap. But she sums the article up thusly: "Jennifer is 'upset' by the fact that 'she'll never bear Brad's babies.' Ugh!" There are, however, two pages of "Silver Foxes": Tim Gunn, Harrison Ford, Anderson Cooper and George Clooney. Yay! Also inside: During a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian ate a cheeseburger, a taco, a bite of a hot dog, a bite of KFC and two doughnuts. For lunch. Jaime Lynn Spears picked up 5 lbs. of crawfish for her baby daddy's dinner. She also likes to go to Sonic and order cheesecake bites dipped in barbecue sauce. Dannielynn Birkhead's eye condition is called strabismus, and she's getting surgery in early March. Does anyone know if that is connected to fetal alcohol syndrome?
Grade: D (hail)

Life & Style
"This Is Crazy!" Angelina took a 19 hour flight to Iraq — alone! She also traveled outside of the country's green zone. OMG. She spent most of her time talking to soldiers, and went on the trip in order to highlight the fact that 60% of Iraqi refugees are younger than 12. Intern Sharon says, "She should adopt one!" Also inside: Madonna's party for Malawi raised $5.5 million. Did Britney "lose" $60 million? She's being audited and her parents think Sam Lutfi was using her cash to pay his rent. Plus private planes, hotel rooms, shopping and an entourage don't come cheap. Right now her dad is giving her $60 a day, and if she needs more she has to explain why. Meanwhile, sis Jamie Lynn was seen in a Louisiana Wal-Mart looking depressed. Also: Fergie spent $30,000 in 2 hours at Calvin Klein in NYC; Sam Lufti was at Paris Hilton's birthday party and didn't leave her side all night; the Olsen twins go out, but they don't party out of happiness... they have trust issues and blah blah blah. Heidi Montag is turning to choreographer Shane Sparks for dance-move assistance. He plans on helping her by combining the styles of Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara and Chris Brown.
Grade: D+ (sleet)

Us
"Michelle's Final Goodbye." One of the first things you see when you open the magazine is a picture of John Mayer in a Borat-style lime green swim contraption*, which is great, since the cover story is so damn sad. Many of the details of Heath's funeral are here: Michelle broke down while reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which begins, "Shall I compare thee to summer's day." Then she and the other mourners walked into the ocean, where they slapped the water and yelled Heath's name like they wanted him to hear. Also inside: Upon checking into a NYC hotel, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was pissed no paparazzi had followed her. "Where are the photographers? I want them alerted that I'm here!" she reportedly said. She also had lunch at Michael's and her date was late — Posh was seen sitting alone at her table fiddling with her BlackBerry and twitching in her seat for half an hour. The nerve of some people! Plus: After reading comments from people who hated her music video, Heidi Montag says, "I cried myself to sleep. I'm just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams." Spencer Pratt says, "I don't think I need to defend it, it's a piece of art." Also a piece of art: The surely staged photo accompanying this article, which features Heidi sitting on a curb, holding her CD and weeping as Spencer ardently kisses her head. Lastly, Britney is making "baby steps" on the road to recovery, and her mom says she sees glimpses of her daughter coming back. Yet she continues to speak in a British accent! But Brit has no credit cards and no cash right now; she's basically grounded.
Grade: C (rain)

In Touch
"I Don't Want My Kids Back." Britney's been talking to her first husband, Jason Alexander. He claims Brit says she wants to see her boys, but doesn't want to be a full-time mom. She feels like she can always have other kids later on. (!!!!) Also inside: While Angelina was in Iraq, she wasn't scared at all — though she did wear a bullet-proof vest and have a security team of 10... the security cost of visit reportedly ran up to $100,000. Michael Lohan tells the magazine that daughter Lindsay has been on Oxycodone, Adderall, Xanax and Ambien, "But most young people shouldn't be on some of these medications. Instead, they should get spiritual guidance and exercise." Meanwhile, Lindsay was seen swapping numbers with Josh Hartnett at NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn. Lastly: Jason Biggs' fiancée is pregnant;Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland was upset that her solo CD didn't do as well as she'd hoped (But! She got a boob job); while the writers' strike was on, a lot of stars went off their diets — "they soften up when they're not working," the mag says. Yet they are all still very thin!
Grade: C+ (flurries)

Star
"Married In Mexico!" Britney and Adnan Ghalib had a quickie wedding back on January 9, but it's taken everyone this long to figure it out! When Britney accused her mom of sleeping witih her husband, it wasn't Kevin she was talking about — her "hubby" is Adnan. Since the elopement took place four days after she was rushed to the hospital and declared 5150, there's no telling what her mental state was during the nuptials. Plus: Adnan gets free Ed Hardy clothing on the condition that he wears it when he's with Britney (and gets photographed in it). Also inside: Knocked-up Jessica Alba says, "Every couple of hours, I turn into Satan if I don't eat something." Josh Hartnett and Helena Christensen were seen hanging all over each other; they're clinging to each other for comfort after Heath's death. Madonna probably had an eye and eyebrow lift, as well as Botox and fat injected into her face, since her eyes look different, her forehead has no lines and she's got apple-cheeks. Blind item! "Which hot TV star who is dating an award-winning singer likes to play while the cat is away? The actor has been busy making the round during NYC's fashion week trying to score with lots of ladies." Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are all named as co-hosts of a pre-Oscar benefit in Beverly Hills on February 23. "Brad is prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight," claims a source. Another insider says: "If Jen is nice, Angie will be nice. If Jen is mean, Angie will let her have it." Jamie Lynn Spears is known for "drinking to get wrecked." She even drank mouthwash. Residents of Kentwood, LA are spilling all her business: "I know for a fact that [baby daddy] Casey was not her first," says one. "There were at least two others." Plus! JLS was at a party recently and made out with the host. The guy asked if she'd broken up with Casey, to which Jamie Lynn reportedly replied, "I'm pregnant. I can have have sex with anyone I want. I can't get pregnant again." When that guy ran away, JLS left with some other dude, who told everyone the next day that yeah, they had sex. But now she's going to move out of her mom's house an into a double-wide trailer. "That's how we do it in Louisiana," says a source. Kirsten Dunst is a drunk, maybe because, growing up, she always had to please her mom, her acting coaches or directors and not herself. Sigh. Heath Ledger had Oxycodone in his system when he died, but there was no bottle of those pills found in the apartment. Did Mary-Kate's bodyguard arrive before the police and remove it? "The person who provided Heath those drugs can be held responsible and possibly be charged with manslaughter," says a former medical examiner. Lastly: Kirstie Alley is "lonelier than ever and packing on the pounds again"; iIn a will-they-or-won't-they wedding story that's 6 pages long, Angelina and Brad may have a Buddhist ceremony; Jessica Alba is pressuring Cash to set a date; Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts will get hitched in Australia before the end of the year; and it doesn't look good for Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: "All they do is fight."
Grade: B (blizzard with schools & offices closed)

*As seen here.

A wail emerges from the cubby — guttural, vile, the kind of base animalistic shriek only heard at a family member's deathbed. 'Fuck these bitches,' screams Britney, each word ringing out between sobs. She's spitting, growling ... 'Fuck you, fuck people, fuck, fuck, fuck.'"

All this in just an excerpt? Forgive us if our schadenfreude is showing, but we're waking up at 7am on Friday, hungover or not, to get our hands on this one.

• THE TRAGEDY OF BRITNEY SPEARS [Rolling Stone]

Adnan via text: "Cool?"
Lufti: "No, she's with doctor now. You're a manic trigger. If you continue to have any contact with him, you'll kill her. Its your decision. You need to cease all contact with her completely. I've tried to work with you helping her but you didn't do as asked. only way to help now is to disappear. She's never been this way befor [sic]"

According to TMZ, Mama and Papa Spears showed up as part of an organized "creative intervention," which stemmed from worries that their daughter's bipolar disorder was getting out of hand (ya think?). As for Lufti v. Adnan, Lufti allegedly made the initial decision to prevent Adnan from entering Brit's house, leading Adnan to try calling "all six" of her cell phones, to no avail. Then, after Britney escaped the scene, Adnan was supposedly seen driving 100 mph down an LA freeway en route to Ralph's (where else?) with Brit in the passenger seat. Last parting words between Lufti and Brit? "Go fuck your paparazzi boyfriend!"

Phew! That was a handful. Is it just us, or should this tragidramedy be right up there with Atonement on the Academy's list? Think about it, there's even a cameo by a Yorkshire terrier named London! Not even Jean-Claude Carriere could dream up this level of insanity. Here's that video we promised.

• *~*Britney Tears 08*~* Vol. 2 [Oh No They Didn't]

Apparently, she made it inside the building, but got lost somewhere between the door and the actual courtroom. Visitation stays the same. Oh, Britney, you are incorrigible. Meanwhile, Adnan Ghalib—who filed for separation from his wife yesterday, then was videotaped sideswiping a motorcyclist in Malibu, his new girlfriend at his side—can no longer maintain his silence as he watches the media take nasty swipes at the month-old object of his romantic affections. Talking to The Insider (unbeknownst to Britney), the paparazzo hunter-turned-hunted faced a rapidfire barrage of Spears-related questions. Enjoy.

• The New Adnan Ghalib Interview! [Insider]
• WATCH: Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib Involved In Minor Car Accident [Us]

Usmagazine.com has learned the pop star, wearing a black wig and dark sunglasses, and photographer Adnan Ghalib, 35, checked into the Parker Hotel in Palm Springs around 2 a.m. on Jan. 2 - and then checked out around 7 a.m.

This isn't the first time 26-year-old Spears has spent time in a hotel with Ghalib - Spears has developed an intimate relationship with the photographer (who told Us in September, "I'll get her sooner or later"). Last week, Ghalib comforted her at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills.

The duo's five-hour stay at the Bravo-featured desert resort would have been just long enough for them to catch Rush Hour 3 on pay-per-view, have a pack of Newports, a stack of chocolate-chip-and-banana pancakes, and six-pack of Red Bull delivered to the room by a bellhop on a bicycle, and engage in a heart-to-heart on the pressures of her younger sister's pregnancy—at the end of which Ghalib could take Spears into his comforting embrace, reassuring her that impending auntiehood would in no way infringe upon her freewheeling, hotel-bouncing lifestyle.

• Britney Spears Checks Into Hotel With Photog - for Just a Few Hours [Us]