Early box office counts show Funny People pulling $23.4M since opening on Friday here and in Canada. Which, let's see, had Nikki Finke — who's been having fun with the picture of Apatow scratching his head, above - noting as "lousy," and Reuters pointing out in their lede that it was Adam Sandler's worst opening in almost five years. It was also the lowest opening for a #1 movie since Jim Carrey's Yes Man, it has a Metacritic score of 60/100, and on Rotten Tomatoes, has only 65% positive reviews.

So, no. Guess America doesn't like dramedy with their dick jokes.

We must admire the inexhaustible hustle of Apatow's publicist: Judd has been everywhere. And Apatow has aced the exposure due in large part to his own obsessions and personality quirks: that typical brand of Choosen People wang/ anxiety humor, the refractory wisdom about the emotional depth of his characters, constant self-deprecation, steady fear of failure, a sincere need to please, a graceful acknowledgment of misfires, and flirty sweet things about his comdienne wife Leslie Mann.

Today Apatow did one of his final PR stints as a guestblogger over at MTV. He has been filing weekly musings all of the same Apatowian themes have emerged . Here are some highlights from his month long blogging journey.

Oh Judd! We forgive you for Walk Hard:

There is nothing worse than making a bad movie and knowing it is going to be broadcast on cable TV for the rest of time. I am actually a fan of mediocre comedies. They are like warm soup. They can be pleasant and help time go by more easily when you just want to shut off your brain. When I make a bad movie I often try to make myself feel better by saying, "well, that is a good movie to watch if you are home with the flu." Believe me, when you have the flu it is still hard to find enough movies to fill a day, even if you have seven hundred channels.

Judd has feeeeelingsss!:

"Funny People" is very personal to me. It is really funny, but is also about a lot of life and death issues. People seem to project their view of life onto it. Dark people find it really dark. Happy hopeful people think it is sweet and positive. I have never had an experience like this before. Usually people just laugh and that is it. They ponder it for too long. I read one hilarious super-nasty article about me that said I was a misanthrope (you can look it up too) and then another that said I was conservative and syrupy sweet.

So I guess this will be a movie that will start many long conversations. That was the point when I wrote it but watching those conversations about to begin is scary."

Whose side are you on?:

How many times should I see "Funny People"?

Three. Once for the laughs. The second time to notice the details you missed when you laughed. And the third time just to make sure we beat "Transformers" at the box office. We must not let robots rule the world.

Judd wrote his final entry today in some sort of jazzy, improvisational, warrior poet way:

"Funny People" opens this Friday.
Looks good.
Reviews are solid.
Some raves. New Yorker. Rolling Stone.
A few didn't quite get it.
Their hearts are cold and dark.
I pray for them.
Leslie is funnier than me on talk shows.
Why? Why?
Doing The View tomorrow with Seth.
Not sure if you can discuss penises.
Isn't that the subtext of the entire show?
Doing Howard Stern.
Not sure I have enough penis material.
...

Might slip and tell dirty stories about Leslie.
Don't take sleeping pill.
Think about other things.
Movie is not that important.
New season of Mad Man is starting soon.
Happiness.
Zzzzzzzz"

Wordy but fun, overreaching yet accurate, Variety's Todd but McCarthy - who gives great analysis with sometimes decent box office projections - has mixed, yet succinct, feelings, to put it lightly. His lede, emphasis mine:

Candid but long-winded, well observed but undisciplined, "Funny People" feels like Judd Apatow's diploma picture marking his move from high school to college as a filmmaker. Amusing and engaging yet lacking in snap and cohesion, this insider's look at the world of standup comics in contempo Los Angeles rings true in its view of the variously warped, stunted and narrow lives of its mostly male denizens. Adam Sandler's central performance as some version of himself is notable for its revelation of callowness and ambivalent self-regard, which will fascinate some fans and turn off others. Curiosity should spur a healthy opening, with likely widely divergent reactions suggesting questionable staying power.

Could've guessed that one, though: Apatow's making a movie with a big heart where the endgame is more than just some great dick jokes and a moral, and that's evident by the premise. How about that third act, when the movie inevitably gets all serious on us to show what an aueteur Apatow is?

While it has its moments, this long latter stretch drains the picture of what little momentum it had and switches the focus to [Leslie Mann's] Laura and her own marital problems, which are annoying and not entirely convincing.

Eegh. McCarthy goes on to slam Leslie Mann, and take us away from the Apatow and Sandler we want to see (like, incidentally, the last third of Funny People, apparently). But what'd the other trade in town think? Silly wittle Hollywood Reporter, show us what you've got:

Bottom Line: A more mature but still funny Judd Apatow comedy whose move into serious human relation issues nearly scuttles the third act...there is a serious side to this film that makes the second half go awry....George's [Adam Sandler's] disease goes into remission — and the air comes out of the movie.

Finally, what do the bloggahs have to say? Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere, Keyboard Cat us out of here:

It's not a "great" film but for me it's a stunningly brave (by which I mean exceptionally candid and self-revealing) one. And funny as shit.

And we have a consensus! While it's funny and great and well, Apatow's noble attempts at painting deep, murky moral colors at the end of his film aren't as good as Apatow's skill at directing a good dick joke. And this is the problem I always had with people who would shove a boxed set of Freaks and Geeks DVDs in my face like it was the second coming of good television that I'd never seen: sure, it has its moments, but I can't see beyond the non-revelatory revelatory moments to understand why it's the best thing in dramedy since Edward Albee.

That being said, I'm willing to give Sandler and Apatow the chance, probably sometime in the next week. The 40 Year-Old Virgin was one of the best sad-clown comedies ever made, and Sandler's done this well, before (Punchdrunk Love). Will you? No? Uh...

Update: Peter Travers of Rolling Stone reviewed it as well, though the review isn't online yet. A point for the Ha-Ha camp, but Travers is known for his studio-happy reviews. He gave it a 3.5/4. Typical Travers, watch the kicker. Emphasis mine, again:

But no worries about this perceptive, deeply entertaining boundary-pusher. It's the work of a major talent. Apatow scores by crafting the film equivalent of a stand-up routine that encompasses the joy, pain, anger, loneliness and aching doubt that go into making an audience laugh. For his people, that really is a matter of life and death.

3:2 on at least one of those being clipped for an ad later this week. Takers? Talk about some awkward turtle.

Funny People Review [Variety]
Funny People Review [The Hollywood Reporter]
Apatow's Big Surge [Ed. WTF?] [Hollywood Elsewhere]

Awkward Turtle Wikipedia Entry [Wikipedia]

Though the first one hasn't even been released, Warner Bros. has already struck a deal with director Todd Phillips to create a sequel to The Hangover, a comedy starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis. The film has apparently tested well and a trailer had people rolling in the aisles at ShoWest. [Variety] Joel Schumacher, the sometimes-hackish director who nearly killed the Batman franchise until Christopher Nolan, dressed as Florence Nightingale, ran over to save it, has assembled one of the weirder casts possible for his new movie, Twelve. The film about youth and drugs and murder, based on a book, will star 50 Cent, Ellen Barkin, Kiefer Sutherland, Nancy Drew, the youngest acting Culkin, and Chace Crawford. [Variety]

As if there wasn't enough crap on TBS and TNT already, Turner has just signed a deal with Tyler Perry, getting first network TV rights to his oeuvre. Perhaps it's the Atlanta connection that keeps the two juggernauts working together (TBS airs two Tyler Perry-created shows)? Turner has also cornered the market on Jason Statham movies, picking up Crank 2: High Voltage, The Transporter 3, and the actually pretty good The Bank Job. [Variety]

New Line has cast area creepo Jackie Earle Haley as its next Freddy Krueger. The movie haus is putting together a sequel/reboot of their classic kills-you-in-your-sleep franchise, creatively titled A Nightmare On Elm Street. It's good casting, but man oh man must Robert Englund be pissed. [Variety] Jason Katims, the busy showrunner type from Friday Night Lights and the upcoming Parenthood, has signed on to steer another series. This one is called Dorothy Gale and is modern Wizard of Oz story about a girl who moves from Kansas to big, bad Manhattan to pursue her dream of working in the art world. Katims' first act as boss? Deeming the original title, Ugly Dorothy Has Sex in the City with Her Friends and then Meets Your Mother, too long. [Variety]

Erstwhile Hollywood star Christina Ricci has been cast in the new Adam Sandler movie, though it doesn't look as though Sandler himself will star. But he did write it! It's about a guy who discovers that his parents were secretly porn stars in the 70's, so he moves to Hollywood to continue the proud family tradition. Ricci plays the confused girlfriend. [THR] Speaking of comedy, the CW is jettisoning its half-hour sitcom programming at the end of this season, but one of its sitcoms, The Game, is hoping to stay on. Show creator Mara Brock Akil is expected to pitch the show as an hour-long dramedy. The series, about wives of famous athletes, is a spin-off from the net's more successful series Girlfriends. As THR gently points out, the rest of the net's series are "far less urban," mostly because they don't have many black people on them. So it might be a tough sell. [THR]

Lionsgate has purchased the rights to Suzanne Collins' dystopian future novel The Hunger Games, about a society where teenage boys and girls have to fight each other to the death on television, for fun and profit. By the time the film is made and released, it will be a documentary. [Variety] While us poors are killing and devouring each other, comedy dynamos will be meeting for Adam Sandler's next movie, about a sad little Saturday Night Live high school reunion. Chris Rock, Maya Rudolph, David Spade, and Kevin James have joined the cast. Oh, and Salma Hayek and, strangely, Colin Quinn. Laff riot. [Variety]

Little Labrador that could or whatever Marley & Me keeps surprising at the box office. It's licking ass and taking names in the foreign market, which is usually unkind to American comedies, especially those with women in them. I guess dogs, and Jennifer Aniston's beguiling misery, are a universal language. [Variety] If you're worrying about goings on at home, don't. SAG is working hard, if in secret, to get a new contract ready for ratification. Also: Puppy. Jen Aniston's weepy tears. (Hello foreign readers!) [Variety]

Family friendly Walden Media has nabbed a big old lesbian to star in their next feature. Ellen DeGeneres will be playing Mother Nature in a movie about the deity's (?) first trip back to Earth since it was created, lo those six thousand years ago. It was written by Sex and they City/Men in Trees alumna Jenny Bicks. Lady power! Only Aslan can stop this sinfulness now. [THR]

Wandering weirdo Audrina Patridge will not be continuing on The Hills after this upcoming season. She's signed a deal for a whole! new! reality show, all about herrrr. So that's spectacular. We think we're getting the end of The Hills because Lauren and Audy are leaving, instead it divides to conquer, like a wicked Hydra. [THR] A whole bunch of people got cast in pilots, including Gail O'Grady, Alfre Woodard, Katherine Moenning, and DB Woodside. Your friend Tim, who's been sleeping on your couch for the past two months? He still did not. And hey, it's early, man. Shut the curtains, would you? [THR]

Funny:

Sandler plays a successful comedian who moves the less-successful Seth Rogen into his house to write additional jokes for him. In real life, Apatow once lived wth Sandler and wrote jokes for him and other comedians after realizing he had no future as a stand-up.

One of the Sandler character's posters bears a strong resemblance to this real-life poster for Going Overboard, which starred a pre-fame Sandler and is always inexplicably facing outward on the DVD rack whenever we go to Best Buy.

In Knocked Up, Rogen's character worshipped at the altar or Eric Bana's ass-kicking Jew in Munich and announced, "If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana and Munich." Who, then, would Apatow pick to play Sandler's impossibly perfect romantic rival in Funny People? Bana—ironically, a former comedian Down Under.

Yup, Apatow's real-life daughters with Leslie Mann are once again featured as Mann's on-screen children (after stealing the show in Knocked Up).

Rogen and friends are spotted numerous times in the trailer hiking up and down Runyon Canyon for exercise. Poor guy—even on a big-budget, well-catered film like this one, Rogen has to keep slimming down until he's the size of a toothpick-waisted hipster standing in line for MGMT at the Echoplex.

• Judd Apatow's Funny People Movie Trailer [/film]

This will be the first time the former SNL co-stars and new recruit James appear together in one movie, offering the public a safe and convenient cineplex quarantining program. [Variety]
· Anthony Hopkins and Josh Brolin are the first to be cast in Woody Allen's next ensemble film, set to shoot in London this summer. We hope Josh plays Woody's nebbish alter ego. [Variety]
· An "abysmal third quarter" sent Lionsgate's stock tumbling to a six-year low. "The primary contributor to this quarter's loss, as well as the shortfall for the year, is the significant underperformance of our feature film business," said Jon Feltheimer during a conference call with analysts. Asked by one analyst what might be the fiscal outcome of producing better movies, Feltheimer paused for a long moment, then told him he'd get back to him. [Variety]
· Wilmer Valderrama is developing a comedy for Nickelodeon called Earth to Pablo, a sort of Latin-American ALF about "a normal family that ends up with a teenage space alien instead of the South American exchange student they had expected." [THR]
· More HBO pilot castings: Aleksa Palladino, Paul Sparks, Shea Whigham and Anthony Laciura join the cast of Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire. Rob Brown will star in another pilot, Treme (now is that Treme as in crème, or Treme as in cream?), about "a post-Katrina-themed drama that chronicles the rebuilding of New Orleans through the eyes of local musicians." [THR]

Sandler visited David Letterman Monday to promote his new film Bedtime Stories, a nonsecular holiday blockbuster in which he seemed much less invested than his duty to explain the holidays themselves to his 2-year-old daughter. The gentiles at Defamer HQ can't imagine Chanukah being that bad, and in any case, it's the movie season around Christmas that ultimately necessitates something like Bedtime Stories in the first place. So enjoy your diabetic candy, Little Sandler; some of us have some serious atoning to do. [The Late Show]

To bolster his point that worries about cheats are realistic, he cited an unusual source: "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," an Adam Sandler movie about two firemen in Brooklyn who pretend they are gay so they can get domestic partner benefits. "The subject was . . . insurance fraud," Weizmann said. "This is not farfetched."

That really upset proponents of the bill, who said they were astounded by Weizmann's comment. "It is an insult to suggest there is any added likelihood of fraud from LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender] employees," Leonard Hirsch, Federal GLOBE president, said in a telephone interview. "Currently, the proposed legislation mandates a higher level of certification for LGBT benefit enrollment than for heterosexual employees."

It certainly is an insult to suggest that anyone could draw inspiration from Chuck & Larry. Have we seen an uptick in caricatured Asian priests since the film's release, for example? Do more attorneys now strip down to their lingerie and plead with their handsy clients to "feel these"? If people truly are copycatting Chuck & Larry, prefer they could draw their inspiration from the best part of the film and end themselves after 115 excruciating minutes.

• Benefits for Same-Sex Partners Focus of Senate Hearing [Washington Post via Videogum]

Throughout the show Apatow took movie pitches from the audience members. One member of the audience pitched a road trip movie based on Satre. [sic] The guy then said he traveled all the way from Salt Lake City to see the cast perform. Apatow quipped, ‘They’re going to find me dead after the show.’ Hill seemed the least experienced doing stand up, but still kept the crowd entertained. One of the highlights was a joke Rogen made about farting on airplanes. Apatow also suggested Sandler do a bit that he’d already done, leaving Adam to jab, ‘Some director you’re going to be.’ I would have liked to see Eric Bana do stand up. Otherwise, great night.”

/Film has a few more accounts from attendees, many of which seem potentially more successful than the performers themselves ("Can I get another cock joke, wash it down with a fart. Hey Yall we smoke weed? Thats just classic can’t go wrong with those time honored classics. Damn, my hand won’t stop making this wanking motion for some reason." ... "Energy was way down. Sandler didn’t seem too into it, he kept repeating 'Almost there').

So what next? The film is shooting somewhere over at Universal as we speak; get to stalking already, Defamer Ops! Apatow, Sandler, Rogen, Eric Bana and the rest will appreciate it in the long run — trust us.

• Judd Apatow & Posse Finish 'Funny People' Rehearsals [/Film]

They sent back a busy graph that showed a confluence of lines plotting summer hours, male bulge humor, and funny Mediterranean accents. Add to that a diversion-hungry populace still shellshocked from the time Gwyneth Paltrow and her redheaded Hell's Angels boyfriend literally ate their way through the country, and you have what could be considered the perfect summer movie storm.

• 'Hellboy 2,' 'Knight' lift Europe [Variety]

"But wait," you say. "I've already seen Punchline." Never mind that, jerky. This one stars Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen as the stand-ups, and they're preparing for their roles by anonymously performing in the comedy clubs of Los Angeles throughout the summer.

And, what's it like for two huge thespians to have to take the mike after all these years? Adam Sandler is not too thrilled. "I've got to write an act again. It's been a long time. I haven't done stand-up in, like, 10 years. Even more.... That's why I want to kill Judd Apatow right now. I was so much happier doing nothing!" Seth Rogen is a little more upbeat about the prospect. "I haven't done [stand-up] in almost eight or nine years.... I've been writing some jokes. They're varying degrees of hilarious, [and the best stuff] is some 'Hills' jokes. I'm just writing on premises — I haven't really flushed it out yet."

So, has anyone been lucky enough to see one of these dudes perform yet? We figure it goes something like this: The host brings them out, the audience goes nuts, they tell some half-baked jokes, the audience laughs pretty hard at the first few and then once the celebrity good will wears off, they only get a few mercy chuckles. Then they make self-deprecating jokes about how tough stand-up is, leave the stage, and take limos back to their multi-million dollar mansions. You know, just like regular comedians. How close are we to the truth? If anyone catches Sandler or Rogen doing a tight five this summer please let us know ASAP.

• Seth Rogen Jokes About 'The Hills' In New Stand-Up Act [MTV Movies Blog]

WHAT'S NEW: With the May tentpoles out of the way, Sony and DreamWorks Animation are set to spar in the first head-to-head weekend of the summer. Sadly, however, with such diverging demographics for You Don't Mess With the Zohan and Kung Fu Panda, we will not get the Kimbo Slice-esque ass-beating the box-office sadists in us were quietly praying for. Theaters are happy about it, though, with Adam Sandler's annual mediocrity orgy guaranteed its minimum $35 million and Panda — with its Black/Jolie firepower and well-above-average reviews — raking in the $50-$55 million from families who dodged Speed Racer a month ago and have three weeks before Pixar's Wall-E emerges. Far be it from us to be content with a draw, but this is a weekend when our blood lust may go unsatiated.

Also opening: the John C. Reilly/Seann William Scott workplace comedy The Promotion; Dario Argento's slipshod gore-stravaganza Mother of Tears; the Sundance '07 leftover The Go-Getter; the Genghis Khan epic Mongol; and Heather Graham's long-awaited foray into menopausal baby-making comedy, Miss Conception.

THE BIG LOSER: We made a critical math error last week, underestimating the take for The Strangers by, oh, 150% or so. That won't happen again this week, if only because as mentioned above, nothing new stands to tank. Even Sex and the City enjoyed a robust week since its initial windfall ($73 million through Wednesday) and shouldn't drop more than 50%. But that's OK! Next week, The Happening should implode more than spectacularly enough to make up for it.

THE UNDERDOG: Another fairly flimsy week here, but we did kind of like the When Did You Last See Your Father?, starring Colin Firth as an author reconciling the secrets, guilt and memory of his dying dad, played by Jim Broadbent. Despite a few narrative lapses (a frustrating Firth affair subplot dies at the intersection of chamber drama and bad editing) and director Anand Tucker's overbearing stylistic flourishes, newcomer Matthew Beard's coming-of-age awkwardness as young Firth dovetails nicely with the adult animus that follows. You could do worse.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD's this week include the completely remastered, retooled and highly acclaimed Dirty Harry Collection; the less-highly acclaimed Will Ferrell basketball laffer Semi Pro; the much-less-highly acclaimed Jon Heder/Diane Keaton duel Mama's Boy; the Ian Curtis biopic Control; and the long-shelved, sadly underachieving The Onion Movie.

So who takes it? Bamboo or matzo, fur or mullet? Can SATC break $100 million before its sequel's screenplay is written (if it isn't already)? Tell us what's worth your time this weekend; are you retrofitting your bomb shelter for the next two weeks of releases? And can we join you?

He will receive the award for his "amazing contribution to Hollywood" and years of entertaining the network's young viewers, MTV announced Wednesday. ... "A 30-something water boy, a brokenhearted `80s wedding singer and a rejected hockey player-turned-pro golfer ... now that's an impressive resume," said Van Toffler, president of MTV Networks Music, Logo and Films Group, in a statement. Toffler was referring to Sandler's roles in The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer and Happy Gilmore.

Has it really been years? It feels so much... longer. Still, there's plenty to appreciate in the metaphor here — particularly Sandler's clean break from developmentally arrested Jew to hairdresser/lethal Israeli operative — and Defamer salutes the comic for this extraordinary milestone. We only wish Sony would have budgeted for such assiduous product placement when it released Punch-Drunk Love. Was it really Reign Over Me that finally got him over the top?

• Adam Sandler to be honored at MTV Movie Awards [The Envelope]

As we can see, Chirqui was (not so) innocently trying to garner some press for her upcoming Adam Sandler-as-Israeli hair guru movie You Don't Mess With The Zohan by posing in various soft-core poses like the standard "I See You But You Can't See My Tits!" and "My Boobs Don't Fit In This Jacket Mr. Manager!" But the porky Malibu vice were concerned for the safety of all neighborhood residents, and reportedly "came by just to make sure things remained tasteful." While they'd probably be more useful checking in on the taste levels inside Britney Spears' and Lindsay Lohan's various drug and sex-laden abodes in the area, we suppose we'll give them the benefit of the doubt and believe their story, rather than dwell in fear that discrete tit-watch cameras lie on every street corner, sounding the alarm whenever a starlet is seen exposing a potentially dangerous amount of flesh.

[Photo credits: men.style.com]

• COPS SWOOP IN ON TOPLESS 'ZOHAN' SIREN [AOL Movie News]

Harvey Fierstein, four-time Tony Award-winning actor, playwright and singer, has just turned down a part in an Adam Sandler movie. ...

"Yes, Sandler," he says in the middle of a stream of consciousness about art and theater. "I've been offered a bit part in the Sandler movie — me and another well-known gay guy. That's the whole gag, one line. I think I have more life in me than being a side gag in an Adam Sandler movie."

More power to Fierstein, though the imminent threat of a Mario Lopez replacement has us kind of wishing he'd just taken one for the team. Oh, but for the halcyon, compliant days of Charles Nelson Reilly.

• Harvey Fierstein is a Theater Creature [AP]

· Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien still dominate late night, though overall ratings for post-primetime have been decreasing. [Variety]
· HBO veers away from the stunt-cock sexuorealism of Tell Me You Love Me, ordering 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, Anthony Minghella's adaptation of the best-selling books by Alexander McCall Smith. Also: they greenlit a comedy pilot called Driving Around With Joni, about a widow who drives "around Los Angeles with her French bulldog, looking for meaning in her life." Finally—something to fill the Sex and the City void! [THR]
· The L Word got picked up for its sixth and final season, providing eight more episodes with which to wrap up the various dangling story lines. (We could have done it in one, but it would have involved a gigantic mothership beaming the cast up and flying them off to galaxy Sappho-18 for untold lesbian space adventures. [THR]

In today's episode: Sacha Baron Cohen; Adam Sandler and Richard Dreyfuss; Drew Barrymore; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Omar Epps, and Arye Gross; Hayden Christensen; Jason Schwartzman; Chad Faust; Kirstie Alley; Howie Mandel; Nick Nolte; Mickey Rourke; Heidi Klum and Kathleen Robertson; Dylan McDermott; Lauren Graham; Justin Long; Rob Corddry; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; David Boreanaz; Emily Deschanel and Zachary Quinto; Nicky Hilton, David and Jeff Katzenberg; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; Danny Bonaduce; Brooke White; Monty Hall and Gary Owens.

· I saw Sacha Baron Cohen doing filming as Bruno (gay Austrian) at On Your Marks Studio in Sherman Oaks on Feb. 21st. He was dressed in tight leather black pants with a bedazzeled g-string showing. his hair was frosted blond and straight. He was interviewing parents with their children pretending to be an german / austrian ad agent looking for a child to do a car commercial. He asked questions like : are you willing to film your child with ants? bees or wasps? dogs? ect. very funny.

· Feb 20 - Adam Sandler was in the dining room of the Polo Lounge in a green t shirt at a table with a bunch of little kids. Kind of awesome. Then, in the lobby, a very old woman said, "I want something nice to snack on!" Her date, or friend, or companion, or whatever, an old guy who looked a bit like a shriveled Einstein, said, "Oh, something to do like THIS?"—and mimed shoving a candy bar in his mouth. Would it surprise you if I said that the wisened little man was Richard Dreyfuss?

· I'm simply shocked (shocked!) no one sent in Drew Barrymore at the Derby Dolls game on Saturday night (Feb 16). She sat front and center in the VIP section with some moody hipster types. I later saw her jumping up and down, all smiles talking with star jammer Mila Minute. Maybe Drew's scouting extras for her directorial debut? I've even got some photographic evidence.

· 2/20 Hugo's Studio City - Gwen, Gavin and Kingston Stefani-Rossdale looking magnificent, Arye Gross of "Ellen" notoriety, Omar Epps who only tip waitresses and the last time I saw Hayden Christensen there he hit on me, but I refuse to disclose the identify my sex.

· Feb 25 - This weekend I had two sightings at M Cafe de Chaya on Melrose. Saturday I saw Jason Schwartzman looking very cute with a nice healthy glow. Must be all that delicious Cafe M macrobiotic food! Someone was blocking his car in and he was very patient and polite. Sunday I went back to Cafe M for more deliciousness and saw Chad Faust from the USA show the 4400. I must be one of seven people that watch that show but man is the boy hot.

· Kirstie Alley: Saturday Feb 23 eating at Gingergrass in Silver Lake with two teen age girls and a couple 20 something chicks. One of her guests was eating salad; from the detritus on her plate, KA had KO'd a plate of sauteed meat and rice. KA had no make up and was dressed in large casual clothes. She's full figured but not obese, though some alpha hydroxy or laser around the lips and chin would def be a suggestion—more so than weight loss—for prettying up. No idea what they were gabbing about, they were too far away to eavesdrop on.

· last Thursday (Feb 21), having lunch in the 'bu at coogie's on pch, when who should walk in but the be-chromed dome himself, howie mandel. he was with a couple and the three of them were seated in the booth next to mine. i listened carefully as they discussed what they were going to order and waited to see what it was going to be for howie - a meal or no meal.

· then on friday, again in the 'bu, i was enjoying my delicious high protein burrito from howie's taqueria in the malibu country mart, when i see a tall-ish, dishevelled man walking my direction, wearing diaphanous, black man-made fiber pants, a black man-made fiber trench coat and a straw fedora-esque hat with a whole lotta crazy hair trying to escape from under it. as the gentlemen gets close i realize it's malibu's second favorite DUI son - nick nolte! aside from the air of crazy he exudes, what was most striking was the fact that he was wearing all that black and all that clothing in close to 80 degree weather.

· Feb 26 - I'm getting some work done at the Santa Monica Public Library, but some guy keeps snoring really loudly. I look up and am completely un-surprised to find that it's Mickey Rourke, sunglasses on and feet propped on a canvas bag. A girl politely wakes him up, and he proceeds to hit on her. Yes, that all sounds about right.

· It was a double dose of celebrity fun at 25 Degrees this afternoon (February 21st). Shortly after being seated in the far back booth for lunch, my friends and I spotted Kathleen Robertson of 90210 fame. Looking pretty and casually dressed, she ate with an older couple. Service for our meal was a little on the slow side (per usual), until it came time to pay the check and have our plates cleared. It was then we were informed that Heidi Klum needed a table — our table. We barely had a chance get up and walk away before Heidi and her entourage took over. She was shorter than I imagined; let's say 5'8".

· 2/25 - Dylan McDermott looking just as pretty as you'd expect Dylan McDermott to look cruising through Santa Monica in a black Porsche.

· 2/23 at Mexico City in Los Feliz: Lauren Graham sat in the booth next to us. She was with a couple and was looking fabulous. Still quite the (fictional) MILF!

· getting off the 10 at the 4th/5th st exit into santa monica, got cut off by some douche in a black prius. i'm able to use a pit maneuver and get in front of said douche, check my rearview and i see justin long. boytoy was in a hurry to get down to main street.

· Feb 21 - This morning! Rob Corddry! Jogging! In my neighborhood! (Almost ran over him with my car, but we won't mention that part in the awesomeness of the occasion.) Am wondering what he's doing hanging out so close to the place where they stash all the American Idol contenders each year.

· On Thursday, Feb. 28th, at about 10:10 am, I spotted David Boreanaz exiting a gas station on the corner of La Cienga and Holloway. He was in his silver mercedes, looking quite handsome.

· Feb 21 - Emily Deschanel and Zach Quinto of Heroes were at Brently Heilbron and Liz Feldman's Awesome War Show at the Comedy Central Stage Wednesday.

· Saw Zachary Quinto more times than I'd like to remember in the Silverlake hood. He seems to really think he's someone really special. He wears a hoodie over his head really low when he goes into Intelligentsia café—you know, incognito, cause he's so famous. Also, last Friday (Feb 15) at Akbar (in hood) he was occupying the service area, so the nice-guy bartender asked him to move. He refused, and actually pulled out the "Do you know who I am?" line.

· Didn't expect a star sighting at The Ivy morning of the Oscars because
I figured nobody in this town would be eating until 9pm that night,
but lo and behold, in walked Nicky Hilton and David Katzenberg, along with Jeff Katzenberg and I'm assuming a whole slew of other Katzenbergs. Things must be getting serious for Nicky if she's allowed to crash fam brunch...

· Feb 25 - I saw Christopher Mintz-Plasse (also known as McLovin of Superbad fame) coming out of a showing of Diary of the Dead at the Universal City Walk AMC Theatre on Saturday the 23rd. He was wearing a cap somewhat low (maybe so he wouldn't be recognized) but he was on his cell phone talking and I definitely recognized his voice

· Driving South on LaBrea approaching 3rd St, right by Trader Joes on Monday afternoon (2/25) when I looked out the window and spotted a unicyclist pedaling furiously on the sidewalk. Just as I was wondering to myself, just why unicyclists do what they do, I realized that this unicyclist was none other than Danny Bonaduce. And, well, since I don't understand anything he does, I just kept driving.

· Thursday night, 2/28, at the Westwood Urban Outfitters. The store had closed five minutes prior when a couple girls and a guy try to make their way in. Of course, they were denied entry by the sales staff but then the man starts pleading, saying she knows what shirt she needs. The cashier relents and that's when a perky blonde runs over to the shirt table. As soon as she opened her mouth, I recognized her as America's favorite LDS nanny from American Idol, Brooke White. I guess they do pick out their own clothes after all. I'll be looking for that white long sleeved shirt this Wednesday.

· Feb 20 - Gosh-a-roony! Just saw Monty Hall and Gary Owens (Millenials, you can Wiki them) waiting for their cars with a couple equally-aged buddies outside Factor's...Seemed pleasant in demeanor...Just four dudes kibbitzing after lunch. I grew up watching Monty and Gary back in the good old three broadcast network days, so me thinks it's always good to see some of the old school still reprezent. Bye.

A big sighting on Friday, December 7 @ the Culver Ice Arena, LA's most decrepit skating facility. The place was overrun with high school burnouts and geeks with nothing better to do. So, it was fitting then that Adam Sandler should show up with wife and small child in tow.

Soon thereafter, a frantic Sandler bolted back behind the skate rental counter in an attempt to dial 911. In turns out his wife found an elderly woman lying bloodied in the parking lot. She had a pretty big gash on her forehead and a sprained/bruised wrist. The Sandlers brought her inside and waited for the ambulance to arrive. Of course, his key teenage demographic stood slack-jawed the whole time. He was so upset over this woman's condition, I thought it was his own mother or grandmother. It wasn't until the woman's daughter arrived approximately 30 minutes later did I realize he didn't even know this woman (not sure who she was with or why she was there but she was pretty senile). The whole affair took some time because Culver City was having some sort of disaster preparedness drill. While the paramedics decided where to take the woman, Adam got in his Cadillac and waited to follow the ambulance, sacrificing his night of skating with his wife and offspring. Top that Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Not since Paris Hilton rushed to the side of a chocolate-sauce-hemorrhaging Oompa-Loompa have we been so moved by an act of celebrity selflessness. Mr. Sandler: We daintily defoil and proceed to devour a high denomination of chocolate gelt in your honor.

• Previously: Cuba Gooding Jr. Puts Gunshot Victim Before His Own Chicken And Waffle Eating Needs [Defamer]