• Donald Trump is now getting into bed with his worthiest apprentice/prodigal daughter Omarosa. The pair are becoming partners to produce Omarosa's Ultimate Merger a new show which will attempt to find a husband for the reality star. The show's active subtext will address the question: what is crazier, to get married on a TV show for the attention or to actually want to spend the rest of your days on Earth with Omarosa?
[Variety]

• What with Robert De Niro's film career looking more and more like some rickety nostalgia act, Tribeca sees no doubt safer waters on the small screen. Tribeca has just signed a two year deal with CBS television to develop new shows. [Variety]

• Someone has stolen a percent of ABC! Since the digital conversion, the network's clearance rate — the percentage of American households with access to ABC's affiliates — has mysteriously fallen one percent, and no one can figure out why. The single percentage point could be worth $15 — 20 million a year, but more importantly, the new digital statistics now put ABC below the despised Fox network in national access. [Variety]

• The network meanwhile has pulled the plug on witch-drama Eastwick while ordering more episodes of Jerry Bruckheimer's new procedural The Forgotten. [The Wrap]

• While Oscar's best picture race may be getting all the attention, the Hollywood Reporter writes that the animation category is shaping up as the hottest race on the book, with the field potentially increasing to five films instead of the past three. Pixar's Up faces a conundrum as it looks at potential nominations in both the animated and best picture categories, leading to the possibility that its supporters will be divided in which award they vote to give the film, a split vote which could lead the balloon film empty handed. The category also looks to become a referendum on the state of film technology today with its ranks including everything from motion capture (Christmas Carol) to hand drawn 2D (Ponyo) to claymation (Mary and Max). [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile in the main category, The Wrap's Steve Pond writes that despite the new ten film wide category, the best picture race appears to have already boiled down to a very stable, very small group of contenders, with the Oscar world basically having decided that the Best Picture of 2009 will be either Precious, Up in the Air or The Hurt Locker. [The Wrap]

• Recession or no, the buyers have been out at the American Film Market. Hoping to snag the next District 9, international agents have picked up the rights to new films starring Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis and Jodie Foster. [The Wrap]

• Disney wont have Mark Zoradi to kick around any more. After being passed over for the top job last month, the President of Disney pics, a 29-year veteran of the company, has announced he is stepping down. [Hollywood Reporter]

On the show, it is definitely a space lizard (maybe Balloon Boy's dad's conspiracy theories about lizard people were right all along!), but like a Chicago Tribune review by Glenn Garvin points out, it could also be about our nerd president.

Welcome to ABC's "V," the most fascinating and bound to be the most controversial new show of the fall television season. Nominally a rousing sci-fi space opera about alien invaders bent on the conquest (and digestion) of all humanity, it's also a barbed commentary on Obamamania that will infuriate the president's supporters and delight his detractors.

Anna is the beautiful and charming leader of the aliens—knows as V's because they are visitors—and she tells the world that her people can fix everything that is wrong with society. She has the liberal media brainwashed, and they all go along with stories about how great and wonderful she is. Of course, there is a fringe group who rebel against her and want to expose them as the evil-doing, reptile skinned, foreigners that they really are. Of course, these are the heroes of the show. Wow, that really does sound like the teabaggers! There's even a religious rebel named Father Jack, which is basically an anagram of George W. Bush.

It certainly wouldn't be new for a sci-fi series to be an allegory about modern society (Battlestar Galactica, anyone?) but it would be sort of odd for a sci-fi show on a major network to give credence to tactics and delusions of the far right. The birthers will be lapping up a show about a foreign-born president who comes to snatch society out of their clutches, and Glenn Back and his cronies will love to see a media that is overtaken by liberals and keeps the truth away from the "real Americans." But what will everyone else think?

The sci-fi culture usually veers to the left in its political allegory (again, see Battlestar or this summer's upbeat Star Trek that was an endorsement for the hopeful future that the Obama administration promised to usher in). The original 1983 miniseries that the show is based on was an anti-fascist message that preyed on "the aliens are coming, the aliens are coming" invasion fears of the Cold War. This is what it has been warped into. We find it hard to believe that thinly-veiIed conservative propaganda will find a strong foothold with the core sci-fi audience, and as for those leaning to the right, they tend to like their entertainment much more straightforward. Why try to figure out what all those lizard people mean when they can just watch Jack Bauer bash people's heads in on 24? That's their idea of fun.

Our prognosis, keep picking on the president and the only letters that V will get are D.O.A.

ABC confirmed that Franco will be on the show playing a "mysterious person" who moves into Port Charles, the fictional New York town that is over run by mobsters, evil family dynasties, and plots to freeze the entire world. Guess that's not any more ludicrous than Spider-Man. ABC Soaps In Depth speculates that his story arc will be a few months long and that he'll do one day on the set each week, filming scenes for several episodes at once. His story begins on November 20. Oh man, Franco is totally going to get me sucked back into this show!

Why would Franco, who is a veddy serious actor, want to be on General Hospital? Isn't this the place where people start out hoping that they'll get a career in film, not the other way around? And it's not like he needs a boost of publicity for a sagging career or as a stunt to get more people to go see his upcoming movie Howl. Some guessed that it's research for a film project, and that sounds about the only explanation that seems plausible. But how in the hell is Franco going to turn the character gay?

[Image via Getty]

It means that we will miss out on our favorite part of the television season, where, after all the months of hype, a bunch of shows fail spectacularly and are canceled after only a few weeks. Usually that time of year is right now, and so far we only have one casualty (RIP TBL). Fuck this series of slow deaths, we miss our annual massacre!

It also means that we're going to be stuck with NCIS: Los Angeles and a host of other crap for the long haul. It also means that, while many are performing well, thanks to NBC and their awful Jay Leno experiment, there are actually fewer series premieres this year than usual. It even further means there are fewer people watching network television. You know when your show doesn't even crack 10 million and it's considered a big victory times are getting tough.

Here's a breakdown of how everything is doing so far:

The Good:

• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) is the clear breakout hit with 18.7 million on its debut, proving once again that Americans love shitty television.
• The Good Wife (CBS) bobbled most of it's lead in, but pulled in an excellent 13.7 million viewers and won its time slot. Way to go, Carol Hathaway!
• Modern Family (ABC) rode positive ratings to a 12.7 million bow and its companion Cougar Town (ABC) was right behind it with 11.6.
• Flash Forward (ABC) predicted itself 12.4 million viewers, so we'll at least see how the mystery ends. Still, it's no Lost.
• The Vampire Diaries only scared up 4.8 million (shit more teenage girls than that stand wailing out front of Robert Pattinson's hotel room on a daily basis), but that was The CW's highest debut ever.
• The Cleveland Show (Fox) did just about as well as Family Guy with a 9.4 million on a Sunday night.
• Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) made 9 million people not laugh.
• The Forgotten (ABC) and Eastwick (ABC) were just on the right side of average with 9.5 and 9.3 million respectively.
• Though the numbers for Glee (Fox) weren't the highest at 7.3 million, it's still being considered a victory since a show this good and quirky actually seems to be finding some sort of audience.

The Bad:

• The Jay Leno Show (NBC) started out nice and strong with an amazing 18 million, but then fell to 5.7 million a week later and its ratings continue to go up and down a bit, but usually lands at the bottom of the pile. Please, please, make the unfunny stop!
• Community (NBC) also had a strong debut, keeping most of the run-off from the Office for an audience of 7.7 million. However, the next week, more than 2 million checked out and its ratings were down to 5.4 million.
• Medical drama Mercy (NBC) will be on life support soon, with only 8.2 checking it out on it's first Wednesday night. Yes, NBC officially sucks.

The Ugly:

• Brothers (Fox) started off with 2.8 million. Let's see how long it holds on.
• Melrose Place is hobbling along with only 2.3 million viewers in its opening week, and not much more since then. The network has ordered more episodes and Heather Locklear is set to come back in November, so lets hope she can breathe life into this thing for the second time.
• The Beautiful Life (CW) already got it's ass canceled. We blame Mischa Barton's wisdom teeth.

In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

The Hollywood Reporter passes on word that Huffington has joined forces with How I Met Your Mother executive producer Greg Malins to concoct a new ABC series about three newbie Congressional members trying to make their way in our nation's capital:

The 20th Century Fox TV-produced project centers on the friendship of three freshman members of Congress — two men and a woman — who live together in D.C.

"One is swept up in the movement of change and goes to D.C. to make a difference; one has been in politics for a long time; and one is a master of the media and sound bites," Malins said.

The project will draw inspiration from real-life Washington figures.

Apparently Malins and company think DC is the hottest ticket in Hollywood. You know, because Barack Obama has made the District cool again. But has it really?

A number of DC-based shows tried — and failed — to make it to the small screen this season, yet television big-wigs axed the ideas. And, honestly, we can't blame them. Our nation has become hyper-politicized and the very thought of a fictionalized account of our collective national struggle seems, at best, a lame attempt at zeitgeist-related desperation.

While some shows, like Heroes, have tried to merge product placement and plot on the web, Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry and his crew are now bringing the trend into primetime.

The writer and others on ABC's payroll will help produce eight commercials for Sprint in which "Housewives" characters grapple with mystery, murder and general soap opera drama. Of course, none of the mainstay Housewives will appear in the commodity-driven mini-series. Rather, the actors in the commercials will appear as "background extras" on the actual show, which could be an ultimately embarrassing move for everyone involved.

NBC and Jay Leno, whose new show premieres tonight, are taking a slightly dated approach:

And an easy way to plug an advertiser in an era when TV commercials are at the mercy of the DVR. Leno describes himself as "advertiser friendly," and NBC has already struck a deal with McDonald's, whose Monopoly-based promotion will find Leno announcing the chain's ad featuring NBC stars. Visitors to McDonald's will be steered by placards to Leno's program.
...
Today's challenging economy could well rewrite the old ad playbook, says Brian Steinberg, TV editor at Advertising Age magazine. "We'll see how much he can weave into his show. Because when the ads are part of the program, you're less likely to hit the fast-forward button," he says.

Could this be the wave of television's future? Ads are the program and the programs are the ad? Even if it works, it seems to us viewers have grown up a bit — just a bit — since television's early years and will be turned off by such obvious attempts to buy their business. Or that's our hope, at least, for the increasingly blurry lines between advertising and entertainment must be preserved at all costs.

The aforementioned lawsuit, no doubt timed to coincide with Heaton's Who Wants to be a Millionaire appearance, was filed by former Heaton personal assistant Jennifer Lee, who claims she was fired because her child was interfering with her work and then stiffed her on $7,425 in back wages.

And then ABC aired her appearance on Millionaire!

Heaton, an unabashed anti-abortion conservative, started off her appearance on the show by having a little exchange with Regis Philbin in which she mentioned how "people who live in the middle of America, which is where I come from," are "nicer" and "smarter" than people who live on the East and West coasts. Then, prior to being presented with the one question she came on the show to answer, Heaton took a shot at her alma mater, Ohio State, by basically saying her education there did little to help her escape the throes of dumbassery (No real surprise there, right?). Then came the one question she appeared on the show to answer along with the four multiple choice answers from which she was to choose one:

If a euro is worth $1.50, five euros is worth what?

A. Thirty quarters
B. Fifty dimes
C. Seventy nickels
D. Ninety pennies

Heaton then had an unlimited amount of time to use simple arithmetic figure it out, not to mention the standard issue "lifelines" the show's famous for. What followed is both hilarious and cringeworthy.

In Heaton's defense, she was playing to raise money for charity, nor is she the first celebrity to shame themselves by appearing on a game show, but still!

The full cast of the show was announced today on Good Morning America (no LaToya, boo) and ABC has cast it similar to past years with some singers, athletes, actors, an Osmond, and a random politician. Well, since they stuck by their formula, we're going to use our own formula to handicap the odds of who is going to win your mother's favorite show. Just don't take her for all she's worth. Save that for those greedy bitches in the office pool.

Mya
You Know Her From: Her debut album.
Chances: She was known more as a singer than a dancer, but she's young and hip and has an album to promote.
Compare Her To: Toni Braxton
Odds: 20-1

Macy Gray
You Know Her From: Trying to say goodbye and choking, trying to walk away and stumbling.
Chances: Macy has always been a bit of a loon. We have a feeling that she's not going to be able to tell the difference between a foxtrot and Foxy Brown.
Compare Her To: Scary Spice
Odds: 100-1

Chuck Liddell
You Know Him From: Beating the shit out of people.
Chances: We think the Paso Doble needs a little more finess than an elbow drop, but if he's quick on his feet, he might be able to pull it off.
Compare Him To: Floyd Mayweather
Odds: 30-1

Melissa Joan Hart
You Know Her From: Explaining it all.
Chances: She has fought to stay relevant all these years, so this lady knows how to work hard. She's going to give it her all. Let's just hope her pesky brother Ferguson doesn't ruin it!
Compare Her To: Jenny Garth
Odds: 15-1

Kathy Ireland
You Know Her From: Beating off to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the '80s.
Chances: She is making so much money from hocking her shit at KMart that she doesn't need a career boost. But, she looks damn good for 46, so she may just get her cha-cha on.
Compare Her To: Paulina Porizkova
Odds: 30-1

Mark Dacascos
You Know Him From: Do we?
Chances: This former Iron Chef fixture is a nobody, and not even a hot nobody like Gilles Marini. We refuse to acknowledge that he is on the show.
Compare Him To: Helio Castroneves
Odds: N/A

Ashley Hamilton
You Know Him From: Boinking Shannen Doherty.
Chances: Um, if you can survive living with her and coming out alive, then you can kick ass doing a few twirls around the dancefloor. Also, his father George didn't do badly on the show.
Compare Him To:
Odds: 10-1

Michael Irvin
You Know Him From: ESPN, the Cowboys
Chances: The "old athlete" has proven to be a contender in past years. Also, if he doesn't want to be teased by his football chums for years, he better do well.
Compare Him To: Warren Sapp
Odds: 5-1

Donny Osmond
You Know Him From: Conquering all media with Mormon mind tricks.
Chances: They're good. Fuck.
Compare Him To: Marie Osmond
Odds: 3-2

Tom DeLay
You Know Him From: The U.S. House of Representatives
Chances: Oh please. The "old guy" never makes it that far.
Compare Him To: Tucker Carlson
Odds: 100-1

Natalie Coughlin
You Know Her From: Watching her in between Michael Phelps video montages during the summer Olympics.
Chances: Swimming requires microscopic attention to detail just like ballroom does, and she's used to working in ludicrous outfits. Keep your eye on her.
Compare Her To: Shawn Johnson
Odds: 4-1

Joanna Krupa
You Know Her From: Runways, your dreams.
Chances: You know how pretty girls are lousy in bed because they don't have to do much work. Well, the same applies to dancing.
Compare Her To: Josie Maran
Odds: 60-1

Debi Mazar
You Know Her From: Entourage before it sucked.
Chances: She is the only one on the cast who was in a Madonna video. She didn't dance, but still. But she never really took her career that far, so does she have the motivation?
Compare Her To: Vivika A. Fox
Odds: 25-1

Kelly Osbourne
You Know Her From: The first circle of reality television hell.
Chances: The chubby teen girl slot isn't the worst one to fill. Also, Sharon will be there cheering her on, so let's hope she stays around, if only for her family in the audience.
Compare Her To: Marisa Jaret Winokour
Odds: 15-1

Aaron Carter
You Know Him From: Boy bands, rocking the House of Carters
Chances: If he can behave himself long enough and get his act together, the former boy banders usually can follow choreography and win the audience's hearts.
Compare Him To: Drew Lachey
Odds: 5-1

Louie Vito
You Know Him From: Snowboarding, if you know him at all.
Chances: He's young, athletic, and cute. That should bode well in his dancing abilities and the number of votes he'll get from the audience. However, we're still not sure who he is.
Compare Him To: Apolo Anton Ohno
Odds: 5-1

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

There has long been tension between the White House and the networks, who don't like having their excruciatingly calibrated schedules torn up by politicians for political purposes. So when Obama scheduled a press conference to discuss his health care proposals for 9 p.m. tomorrow night, which would seriously screw up the networks' plans, the networks led by last-place NBC balked, obliging Obama to move it to 8 o'clock. And Fox, like they did for Obama's last primetime presser, just told the White House to fuck off, but that's a different story.

In any case, in describing the programming scramble caused by the press conference, The Hollywood Reporter pretty much sums up why no one watches broadcast TV any more:

The stakes were particularly high for NBC, which airs the most-watched show of the summer, "America's Got Talent," at 9 p.m. This week, the reality hit includes a heavily promoted interview with "Britain's Got Talent" singing sensation Susan Boyle.... ABC News often has the highest-rated coverage of Obama's primetime events and ABC was leaning toward carrying the conference all day. In one respect, the shift to 8 p.m. could make their night more tricky. ABC's highest-rated reality show, "Wipeout," will be pushed to 9 p.m. to face "America's Got Talent" along with "So You Think You Can Dance," with "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" moved to 10 p.m. The ABC News special "Over a Barrel: The Truth About Oil," originally slated for 10 p.m. Wednesday, will air Friday as a special edition of "20/20."

Fox airs its top-rated two-hour "So You Think You Can Dance" on Wednesday nights and will direct viewers to Fox News for the news conference.

That's right, television executives were willing to face down the White House over Susan Boyle and retreads of Japanese game shows where people bathe in squids and razor blades. The last time this happened, when George W. Bush scheduled a presser on the first day of May sweeps in 2005, they forced him to change the start time over CSI, Will & Grace, and The O.C. That's how far they've fallen. In their defense, summer has become the traditional time for vile reality TV. But the fact that NBC essentially told Barack Obama, "We are not going to take your press conference at 9 p.m. because we have to air a deranged foreign lady and amateur vocalist" is a good measure of just how desperate they are.

The solution of course, is to just break up the press conferences with ad slots. It's an engaged, Tivo-proof audience, and there are dozens of brands out there that would love to be associated with Obama. Back in February, his 8 p.m. presser netted NBC 9.75 million viewers—2 million more than stuck around for Heroes an hour later.

Aha! ABC has finally debuted on web TV outlet Hulu, loading on some episodes of ratty old Grey's Anatomy. Eventually we'll get other delightful ABC fare like Ugly Betty, the newly-acquired Scrubs, and Desperate Housewives. [Variety]

Now that he's in a huge summer movie and is a bigtime movie star, The Hangover star Zach Galifianakis just isn't sure what to do with himself. Should he do Todd Phillips' funnily-named Man-Witch, or Todd Phillips' blandly-named Due Date? Or what about Say Uncle (in which, we're guessing, he stars as something of a modern-day, more Dadaist Uncle Buck)? Look, as long as "Between Two Ferns" comes back here and there, we'll be happy. [THR]

Hmm... Rita Wilson, the wife of struggling actor Tom Hanks, will executive produce a developing HBO series based on Jeffrey Eugenides' beautiful novel Middlesex. So it'll be, what, a hermaphrodite coming-of-age story set in 60s and 70s era Detroit? We would probably watch that. Playwright Donald Margulies is involved as well. Hmmmmm. [Variety]

Everyone put in your earplugs, the screeching is about to begin. Current trash-talking comedy lady Kathy Griffin will soon be roasting old-timey trash-talking comedy lady Joan Rivers for that dreadful and needlessly profane Comedy Central Roast series. So much yelling and boob jokery. [THR]

Oh, good. Some guy named Jeremy Garelick (some sort of dairy heir, perhaps?), who did an uncredited rewrite on The Hangover, is writing a "funny" movie script based on that already funny without even trying series Baywatch. Because, you know, our minds have become lazy and fattened and it's too much work to infer the joke from the original, completely ridiculous Baywatch. No, we need it fed to us in comestible comedy format. With lots of boob jokery. Though, oh what the hell, it could be funny anyway. [Variety]

The set for Jay Leno's new 10pm daily talker will be made large enough to accommodate a car, as Jay might drive one of his precious automobiles on stage at the top of the show. But will it be made large enough to accommodate his chin?? (See! It's not that hard to write Jay Leno-style jokes!) [THR]

Virginia Madsen has joined the cast of that indie Kevin Spacey comedy The Father of Invention. She'll play his bitchy ex-wife. Slow and steady, Ginny. Slow and steady. [Variety]

Not that the summer was ever a terribly popular time for TV viewership, but ABC's 1.1 rating in the coveted demo last week represents a new, scary nadir.

If it was just ABC, we could chalk it up to shitty programming—they've been rolling out remainder episodes of already-canned shows like Eli Stone and The Unusuals that no one watched in the first place—but the other three (The CW really doesn't count and never did) are hemorrhaging as well.

Fox posted the highest numbers of the week, with a wan 1.7 share, as the other two came tumbling after. As expected the cable nets that air new episodes in the summer—reliables like Burn Notice and The Closer, newbie Royal Pains—are all running pretty well, so they're partly to blame. But the nets shouldn't even be coming close to the (once) lowly USA and TNT cablers.

And of course there's the internet and just the general diaspora of viewers to the millions of other TV channels (100k here, 100k there, it adds up) to be blamed. That's been going on for a few years now. What we're wondering today is how long this can be sustained. How does one approach advertisers with numbers like this? Again, summer's always a doldrums, but this is just hardly even worth it. Might as well rent a plane with a sign dragging behind it and fly it over Chicago. Sure would be cheaper. Plus, more people'd see it.

[NYT]

Well Nikki Finke would argue that there shouldn't be any fuss at all, because winking network bashing is a hallmark tradition at upfronts. Which, absolutely, this is true. But what stuck (and stung for some) about this particular account is how, here in the glaring neon white light of TV's economic apocalypse, grim and trenchantly true all of Kimmel's jokes were. Especially when non-industry people heard them.

Yes, the whole thing is built on a pack of lies! And yes! A throw-millions-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks because, as Kimmel put it, "who cares? It's not your money" sort of attitude does seem wrong and a part of why the entire television industry and media at large and, hell, all of America is in the shitter. And that the factory workers of this creaky, arrogant system just sat and laughed and hooted to themselves "Ohhh, it's all so true!" seems a bit obtuse and, I'd imagine if I'd just lost my job at ABC in the past eight months, a bit callous.

In the past these upfront presentations were put on for the clubby group of television and ad execs and the reporters that cozily cover them, and everyone could have a laugh, go get drunk and then the next day everyone would continue to tell everyone how fabulous business is. Now, the dreaded Internet — which has basically demolished the old advertising business model — guarantees that all the inside jokes will get out.

So the people in the audience are sorta jerks and so is Kimmel and so are we for sticking our noses in other people's industries. Everyone's a jerk! This is TV after all.

[via AllThingsD]

We got leaked this parody video starring the network's marketing heads Mike Benson and Marla Provencio in which they "pimp" a made-up show called The Smoking Clown. Supposedly it was made a while back for an internal meet-and-greet within the network in which each department tells the others what it is that they do. It's not clear if this was ever shown or if the idea of video showing a bunch of television executives smoking and drinking in the office was squashed before the meeting.

For fourteen profanity-laden minutes, the crack team guides us through the soulless business of commodifying and selling something you absolutely hate. Everything is covered smarmily—from bitchy contract-waving actors, to competition with other networks, to strategies for ensnaring lucrative and elusive kids' eyeballs.

And while it's all pretty ha ha, sure, it's also pretty insidious. In that, while The Smoking Clown doesn't exist, utter ABC dreck like Private Practice does. And, through all of the nefarious means depicted here, the show is fed to and lapped up by brain-addled regular Americans just like you and me. We're being manipulated, people! And they're just sitting back and laughing at us.

Keep an eye out for Lost co-creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse playing themselves. Network cross-promotion!

In case you're unfamiliar with the "upfronts," they're an annual television industry event held in New York where all of the bigshots and stars from all the networks present their show lineups for the upcoming season to advertisers in the hopes of removing them from their money. Usually, these events are one enormous act of autofellatio, an endless stream of workers sucking the cocks of the companies they work for in order to hold on to their jobs and continue to cash ridiculously large paychecks, and really, who can blame them? Apart from the time in 1991 when Johnny Carson announced out of the blue that he was retiring during an NBC upfront presentation, these things are usually painfully benign, and are rarely, if ever, truly newsworthy. Typically it's an endless parade of people like Charlie Sheen stepping up to a podium to tell the fine folks at Procter and Gamble and General Motors how if they thought last year's season of Two and Half Men was funny, well, they haven't seen anything yet, because this upcoming season is going to be a fucking riot, and then they politely ask them for $1.5 million for a thirty second spot and the advertisers usually pay it and everyone goes home fat and happy. The end.

Now, with all of that established, back to Kimmel, who completely shattered this usual sort of monotony with his performance yesterday. Here's a sampling of what he said as advertising executives just sat there squirming in their seats, laughing nervously, exchanging "WTF?!" glances, not quite sure of what to make of what what happening in front of them as he fired rhetorical scuds at ABC, its competitors, and the advertising industry in general.

"Let's get real here. Let's get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We're going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more."

"Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don't need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients."

"Next year on ‘Grey's Anatomy,' your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay."

"I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do. I don't, really."

"The important thing to remember is: who cares, it's not your money."

Kimmel also took a shot at NBC and Jay Leno, whom ABC once courted to possibly replace him when his contract with NBC expired, saying that they're "giving Jay's viewers exactly what they want. An early-bird special."

It's hard not to love and respect Jimmy Kimmel more than ever after all of this, but one can't help suspecting that ABC will soon be announcing his show's cancellation so that it can extend Nightline back to a full hour.

Jimmy Kimmel Demolishes ABC's Upfronts [New York Times]

ABC has officially announced its new schedule. Mondays are basically the same. Tuesdays will feature new reality show Shark Tank, plus Dancing with the Stars results shows (to be replaced by Better Off Ted and Scrubs once the Dancing season ends) and The Forgotten, a new Jerry Bruckheimer crime type drama that features a guy I know. So, congrats Anthony! Wednesday night will be a big ol' comedy block of new sitcoms (including the Courteney Cox vehicle Cougar Town—which features Dan Byrd from Aliens in America and, um, A Cinderella Story). Buzzed-about Flash Forward replaces Ugly Betty in the Thursday 8pm slot. That gay fantasia on fashional themes has moved to Friday 10pm. [Variety]

NBC has yet to formally announce their new season, but Law & Order has already been renewed for a big-time 20th season. Let's put that this way: babies that were born when the show started are now going to be juniors in college. Hooftie! Time! [THR]

DreamWorks has gone and bought the rights to the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and will produce a biopic about him. And, actually, forget that George Clooney whispering. We hear that Johnny Depp is in talks to play the civil rights martyr. [Variety]

At Cannes, two George Clooney projects are all the buzz! Oooo! First his Men Who Stare at Goats (costarring Jeff Bridges, Ewan MacGregor, and Kevin Spacey) has been picked up by Overture. Clooney also inked a deal to star in the movie adaptation of Martin Booth's novel A Very Private Gentleman, about a quiet Englishman named Mr. Butterfly who lives in Italy and secretly makes weapons for assassins. So it's The Jackal meets Under the Tuscan Sun. Terrific. [Variety]

Finally, Lars von Trier is still an asshole. [THR]

Plus ABC Family! So, phew, you can finally catch up on Greek. (No, really, you should.)

This also makes CBS the only major network to not host any content on the site, because they have a deal with TV.com and old people are bewildered by the internet anyway.

Hulu still comes in third in video site viewership, behind MySpace and YouTube, but in quality, it's so totally the best. And we're not even shilling! We actually enjoy it and use it. Go figure.

[TheWrap]

Not everyone gets a prime-time real-estate infomercial courtesy of ABC and hosted by Elizabeth Vargas (left, with Spelling) — but the 56,500-sq. ft. megamegamansion in Los Angeles's Holmby Hills neighborhood is not just any house. Spelling doesn't even know how many bathrooms it has, she told 20/20. Or how many rooms, period. Even her real-estate agent, Sally Forster Jones, doesn't know:

While some published reports put the tally of rooms in the mansion at well past 100, Jones couldn't provide an exact count.

Spelling says she doesn't know either.

"You're really asking the wrong person," Spelling jokes. "There's a lot. (The house) has evolved and I actually haven't gone around and counted."

Spelling also says she hasn't read actress daughter Tori Spelling's memoir because friends told her it was "hurtful." So much for getting a mother-daughter jacket blurb for Stories from Candyland!

Spelling mère has been trying to sell the mansion since her husband's death in 2006 — at first secretly, now quite openly. She needs to move the product off the shelf, having bought a 17,000-sq. ft, $47 million condo in downtown Los Angeles. (Downsizing!) But here's the question: Who's going to take the PR hit of spending nine digits on a house in this age of populist outrage?

Here's a collection of stills from a video tour of the Spelling mansion:

(Photo of Vargas and Spelling by Ron Tom/ABC News)