The great celebrity profilers of today never stop striving for greatness. And depth. When Esquire's Mike Sager sat with his Muse of the Month, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, suddenly everything he learned in creative writing seminar came rushing back.

At the sight of Cornish sipping boba, the inner Keats that lives in every great journalist, wrested the keyboard from Sager's hand and composed the following ditty (poetical spacing ours):

She drinks Asian "bubble tea"
from a plastic cup,
compliments
of her publicist.

There are tapioca pearls at
the bottom;
they rise
in single file
through an overlarge straw,

her lips the naked pink
of an ingenue.

Boomp3.com

A VIP host at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas made a quick phone call to reinstate his gym membership after hanging out with actor Ryan Phillippe poolside this weekend. The host was overheard as to have said, "I know that I canceled my membership three weeks. I know that ... Well, I just spent the last twenty minutes staring at the glistening abs of Ryan Phillippe ... He was in a bunch of movies ... Yeah, he was married to Reese Witherspoon ... Great guy, but you try standing next to him when he's not wearing a shirt ... Exactly ... Cool. Personal trainer. She's going to be hot, right? I mean, you can tell me. Okay, cool. See you tomorrow then."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As we had the pleasure of witnessing last month, Jake and Reese made one of their most public and skin-revealing appearances on the beach, with Reese all smiles in her itty bitty blue bikini, and Jake's impressive upper body on sunny display. And in a possible revenge ploy, Ryan agreed to accompany Abbie to an Australian awards ceremony, marking their first red carpet appearance as an official couple. Of course, it's basically public knowledge by now that Ryan took the divorce far harder than Reese, judging by his many weepy quotes about suicide and "vomiting" over the years, and Reese put Ryan in check mate first with those lovey dovey beach photos. No matter how many meetings, lawyers and arguments over child custody have taken place over the years, these pictures were apparently worth a thousand words.

• REESE WITHERSPOON AND RYAN PHILLIPPE FINALIZE THEIR DIVORCE [Us]

In late 2006, the pair were snapped hundreds of times on the set of Stop Loss, but the pictures hardly compared to those paparazzi shots of Ryan and Abbie literally "necking" in December last year. And despite the optimism behind Stop Loss failing to move money at the B.O., those who did buy a ticket would have noticed the obvious chemistry between the couple on-screen. Considering the fact that Jake and Reese were very publicly photographed in their itty bitty beach clothes just weeks ago, Ryan's decision to finally flash his mug next to Abbie's Down Under hints at an interesting case of one-upmanship by way of the paparazzi. Anything Reese can do, Ryan can do better!

[Photo credits: NYDN, Yuddy Hush, Getty]

• RYAN PHILLIPPE STEPS OUT WITH ABBIE CORNISH [People]

When are these filmmakers going to connect the dots? Do they really think this is what American audiences want to see? It may well be that the majority of Americans wish we had never gotten into this war, but that doesn't mean they want to see the country's finest young people depicted as rapists, murderers or even just run-of-the-mill, psychologically damaged basket cases returning from combat. ...

It's all very noble in an artistic kind of way, but if they keep it up, some of them may soon be seen on the street holding signs that say "Will make antiwar films for food."

Indeed, this "artistic kind of way" of doing things is thoroughly played out, and we stand with Greg Strange in urging an end to creatively addressing social issues in movies. Still, with at least two distinguished auteurs already having hit the sidewalks with hat in hand and cow on corner (not to mention conservative firebrand Vincent Gallo establishing himself as a bona-fide eBay Gigolo&trade), we also endorse the burgeoning trend in garish, gawk-worthy sidewalk entrepreneurship. Our only hope for reconciling the two: Oliver Stone, whose forthcoming George W. Bush biopic has more cast members than investors, could surely use some right-wing influence to the tune of $30 million. Here's your sign, Ollie, and there's your corner.

• Another Iraq war movie, Stop-Loss, headed for dustbin of cinematic history [Men's News Daily]

Yikes! This is quite a difference from the "Abbie Cornish (whom Phillippe is rumored to have romanced)" revision hastily implemented just after HuffPo's item broke. This is what always happens any time Friedman breaks from his beloved, played-out Michael Jackson beat, but hats off to him and the gang at Fox for keeping the class alive by pretending his lies, rumors and innuendo never existed. Though we can't say the same for either star's lawyers, we'll pretend — for the hundredth or so time — that we didn't see that.

[Photo Credit: FilmMagic]

• First Reese Witherspoon, Now It's Ryan Phillippe's Turn in 'Stop-Loss' [Fox News]

"The recent boxoffice fate of Iraq movies has prompted Paramount to take a notably careful approach that downplays the war. The movie is being sold as an MTV Films picture with an attractive young cast (Ryan Phillippe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that will lure people to theaters for other reasons."

One of those "other reasons"? The chance to see Ryan and rumored marriage breaker-upper Abbie Cornish lust after each other on-screen, a plot line laid on thick in the trailer. Also emphasized are the killer abs of both Phillippe and co-star Channing Tatum. But all this catering to MTV's fan base may not be the dimmest light bulb to go off in a marketer's head. Considering the fates of In The Valley Of Elah ($6.7 million in boxoffice gross), Rendition ($9.7 million) and No End In Sight ($1.4 million), playing up aspects that may appeal to the Us Weekly demographic might just turn out to be a smart move. Even last year's The Kingdom, backed up by non-stop explosions and an A-list cast including Jennifer Garner and Jamie Foxx didn't even crack over $50 million. If abs and tabloid-y love stories are what it takes to get kids in the seats for an Iraq-themed tearjerker, then so be it.

• 'STOP LOSS' FACES UPHILL BATTLE [THR]
• WITH AMERICA AT WAR, HOLLYWOOD FOLLOWS [USA Today]