People reports that Sweeney delivered Megan Hope Sanov a few minutes before midnight; apparently mother and child are doing fine, and neither new job losses, bad remakes, Rinna/Hamlin reality shows nor apocalyptic walrus-saxing have ensued in the hours since, so we think we're OK. As you were, Ms. Sweeney, and all our best. For real this time.

• It's a Girl for Alison Sweeney! [People]

· L&S: AMANDA BYNES IS DATING LC'S EX!

· Extra Topics - Grammy Noms, Heid's [sic] Mom and Anne Pregnant!

· L&S: BENJI MADDEN DROPPED 35LBS. FOR PARIS!

· Extra - DID JENNIFER ANISTON FALSELY TAKE CREDIT FOR HER "OBAMA CAKE?"

· Extra's LIVE CHAT WITH MARIO LOPEZ TODAY!

· TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Lawsuit: Kathie Lee's Music Ruined My Life

· I Plan on Suing the State of Florida and Broward County for Malicious Prosecution

· Extra - Sarah Palin Snubbing Oprah??

· UPDATED: Extra - OPRAH WINFREY STILL WANTS SARAH PALIN TO COME ON HER SHOW!

· TMZ EXCLUSIVE MUGSHOT: DUI, Annulment Does a Body Good

· Gene Simmons + Roller Derby! Dec. 13th

· Seacrest Leak: Spencer Pratt Fires Back At Momma Montag

· Ryan Seacrest's newest creation, Momma's Boys premieres on NBC on Tuesday, December 16

And, most tellingly:

· OLYMPIC GOLD FIGURE SKATER AND CANCER SURVIVOR SCOTT HAMILTON REVEALS HIS SECRETS TO HAPPINESS IN The Great Eight: How to be Happy (Even When You Have Every Reason to be Miserable).

Sold.

But wait one second—what's that huge thing at the end there? The one that looks like it's about to fold into a Ford F-350 Super Duty? It's obviously supposed to be some kind of spectacular CGI set piece, but we're getting a little too much McBay here, and not enough WASP-Brett Ratner. Bring back the T-5000 American Standard Urinalbots—the ones that sang Garbage songs and came with their own deodorant cakes. Those were way cooler, and are just begging for McG's porcelain-glossy, music video sensibilities. [ET]

—-—Original Message—-—
From: [redacted]
Sent: Thu 12/4/2008 6:02 PM
Subject: Staff update

To the staff:

I wanted to let you all know that People editorial has completed the staff reductions spelled out in my Nov. 11 memo. I want to thank everyone for their cooperation.

Please join me in wishing our friends and colleagues the best, and celebrating their contributions to the People brand.

###

Kudos to quick-thinking Ellen, who hops over her writhing guest to launch the next segment, and even heartier congrats to Sweeney, who we hope made it safely to a nearby delivery room in short order. We'll get our "It's an Apocalypse!" cigars at the ready as the story develops. [Ellen]

UPDATE: We're shocked and saddened to learn that Alison Sweeney did not, in fact, go into labor during today's Ellen episode, according to a denial from a Warner Bros. staffer. Fair enough — we wouldn't want the Doomsday Baby on our hands, either.

"What, you thought I wouldn't put in a cameo at least?" Satan was reported to have said at the hastily put-together press conference.

"I'm excited to announce that I've helped engineer a pilot presentation for TV Land that would follow the vacuous lives of Hollywood couple Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin," he continued.

"Ever since I started here, I've been out in the marketplace looking for a celebrity couple with dynamic stories to tell, and when I met Lisa and Harry, it made sense," said Keith Cox, TV Land's executive VP of development and original programming.

Satan went on to say that TV Land executives were currently settling on a name for the still-untitled project, though "Lisa and Harry: Lips and Relationships" and "Kill Yourself Before Watching" were rumored to be contenders.

"Nehehehehe," he added.

• Rinna, Hamlin going to TV Land [THR]

After the jump: The Universal globe stops spinning for 70 unlucky souls.

Not even veteran talking head John Norris—who was very polite to us on the VMAs red carpet when we accidentally wandered into his shot and asked where we might find Britney's elephant—was immune. Over at Paramount, meanwhile, a behooded, shirtless, chaps-wearing Sumner Redstone (he doesn't particularly like playing executioner—but when he has to, he goes for it whole hog) stands guard at a ceremonial guillotine set up in studio square, awaiting word on when to release the symbolic blade that will officially cut further salaries from the payroll. We're told supervisors are still in a meeting, and the rest of the staff is defecating masonry in anticipation. We'll have a report for you from the inside a little later.

Over at NBC Universal, Deadline Hollywood Daily reports, the belts are being tightened to gastric-bypass levels. Personal printers are strictly verboten, no new office supplies will be purchased for six months, everyone must travel (*gasp*) one class-level down, and Jeff Zucker himself will be reviewing temps' overtime charges. So don't even try it, A1 Personnel Placing Services recommendee.

500 job cuts throughout the company will follow, THR reports—including a "3% headcount reduction" at Universal Pictures, as chairman and co-chairman Marc Shmuger and David Linde's Christmas card thoughtfully put it. That's about 70 positions worldwide. The text follows:

Dear Colleagues,

As we strive to meet the challenges presented by the struggling economy, leaders from every department at Universal Pictures have worked hard to identify cost saving measures in many areas of our business. Those measures include scaling back on travel, overtime, consultants, premieres, conferences, newspaper marketing and general administrative costs.

While much has been accomplished to find necessary savings, we regret that we must also reduce headcount by around 3%. No company likes to have to make these kinds of decisions, and certainly we are no exception. We want to assure you that everyone has done their best to keep job cuts to an absolute minimum.

The process of communicating with those individuals whose positions are affected has begun today and will continue for the next few days.

We appreciate the effort from everyone who has participated in this difficult process.

Sincerely,
Marc Shmuger and David Linde

• Marc Shmuger and David Linde Break Bad News To Universal: 70 Layoffs Worldwide [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
• NBC Universal laying off 500 employees [THR]

The one industry observer still paying attention points us today to the IMDB STARmeter, that infallible bellwether of influence and status where the young, cheap cast of Twilight has retained control of the entire top 10. While yes, we know this is subject to change as America primes itself for forthcoming star vehicles like DiCaprio/Winslet's wily thigh-groping exercise Revolutionary Road, but the point remains: This is an unprecedented feat of durability in an era when the average attention span for cultural phenomena is roughly one week. How can the aggregate data of 57 million monthly users be wrong?

OK, fine. You can forget it again.

• 'Twilight' Stars Take Over IMDb's STARmeter [Source]

The top slot goes to Seth MacFarlane, who earns the $100 million that FOX is paying him to keep Family Guy and American Dad on Sundays through 2012, especially when you consider that Family Guy DVDs and merchandise have pulled in a reported $1 billion for 20th Century Fox.

Did they mention he also just came off a Writers Guild East benefit headlining at Carnegie Hall? Yes—the Carnegie Hall, the one you need to practice, practice, practice to get to, in which he and Family Guy's Alex Boorstein performed 26 songs—one for each letter of the alphabet—in a review they called "listening to a retard's iPod." U was for Diana Ross's "Upside Down," as interpreted by Marlee Matlin. The world couldn't be ending a second sooner. [AP]

The British quartet fell one nod short of rapper Lil Wayne's eight Grammy nominations, with their Viva La Vida and Tha Carter III (respectively, we think) facing Radiohead, Ne-Yo and Robert Plant and Alison Krauss for Album of the Year honors. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye West followed with six nominations each, virtually none of whom will compete against the more formidable artistry of Jason Mraz ("I'm Yours"), Adele ("Chasing Pavements"), M.I.A. ("Paper Planes"), Sara Bareilles ("Love Song"), Estelle ("American Boy") and Leona Lewis ("Bleeding Love"), who will all vie for either/or/both the prizes for Song and Record of the Year.

And finally, providing the flaming beacon around which Pop-Culture Satan's vast armies have begun their bloodthirsty convergence, The Jonas Brothers are the runaway favorites to claim the year's Bew New Artist award — after three albums. (The Emanuel Brothers, though? Snubbed!) They humbly accepted their nomination in front of millions on Wednesday night:

"I can't believe we're here today, onstage," Kevin Jonas said backstage. "We've always dreamed of being recognized for being artists," Joe Jonas said. Brother Nick Jonas added, "I think what's been very important for us is the songwriting."

In fairness, we've already established that their singing and their style are clearly subordinate, so hey — why not? May their Grammy mascotry lead us all to a more melodic, creative Apocalypse for all. And pass the vodka.

• Lil Wayne, Coldplay lead Grammy noms [THR]

• Hip-hop, rock represent at Grammys [Variety]