1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

Last night, Tina Fey and company only logged 6.3 million viewers, which was down 25% from The Office which preceded it. It's also down almost a third in the adult demographic from the season debut last year, when Fey was hot off her stint as Sarah Palin on SNL. What happened? Well, there wasn't the heat or media attention of the Palin thing, so the only other way to get the word out about the show's return was NBC promos. And since no one is watching the molting peacock, how would anyone see them? Way to kill your only good show, guys.

On the show, NBC and corporate greed in general were definitely the bad guy. The whole episode revolved around the money troubles at the network so they were trying to reach out to middle America. Hm, does that sound anything like a money-strapped network giving away five hours of prime-time real estate to a cheap talk show that only old people and the chronically unfunny will love? Nah.

To spruce up The Girlie Show Jack orders Tracy and Jenna to appeal more to the middlebrow. Tracy does this by trying to get in touch with his roots and Jenna decides to go country. Taylor Swift she is not. And when the network gets her to sing some down-home promo tunes for their sports division, the only thing they have to give her is off-season tennis. That sounds more exciting than the network's current lineup.

When Tracy realizes that Grizz and Dot Com are keeping him in a bubble of privileged, he tries to go out on the street to meet regular folks, but he can't even find the elevator that he's not afraid of. And when he finally makes it outside he terrifies everyone by asking them things like "Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?" Maybe he can Twitter his way into America's hearts!

The biggest showdown with the network came when Kenneth was told that he can't get paid for overtime anymore. When he mistakenly opens Jack's paycheck and is mesmerized by all its zeros, he demands to get his overtime back. Then he finds out that it was Jack's bonus check and he hits his hillbilly roof and organizes a strike (see the clip below). Sure, everyone might see this as a reflection of the way corporate America reacted during the recent economic crisis, but all of us media hounds know that it is really Tina Fey lashing out against the suits in the home office. She is the one who thanked the network in her Emmy acceptance speech for "keeping us on the air even though we're so much more expensive than a talk show." It takes a real lady to stick it to the man.

And that is why we love 30 Rock. They know that they are the network's only good show, so they're not afraid to take countless jabs at the people who pay their salaries. What is NBC going to do? Cancel 30 Rock? The foam from the mouths of angry media elites would be enough to drown everyone at the corporate headquarters. Without 30 Rock the network will have nothing to win Emmys, maintain some street cred, and, you know, actually make people laugh. In the end, the protest is just like the one that Kenneth wages to get Jack to sign a paper saying he is a big fat liar: totally fruitless, but so much fun to watch.

OMGICU has been on a campaign to bring Morgan to Twitter since Tuesday, according to the Wall Street Journal, after collecting such stalker sightings as these:

• "tracy morgain [sic] is walking around soho eating blueberries looking confused."
• "Just saw Tracy Morgan driving a Yellow Lamborghini with a blond woman listening to Sade."
• "Tracy Morgan at the Bowery whole foods. I smiled but he gave me a mean look back. He was with a lady."

Welcome to Twitter, Tracy. Every week is Shark Week!

Oh look! He just delivered his first tweet:

Poetry.

After the announcement of today's new game show, it became apparent that NBC is destined to find the cheapest programming possible and is no longer concerned about how many viewers it can attract or making those expensive and pesky scripted shows. The future for the once-mighty station is much like that in Terminator, but before John Conner can return to the past to prevent the machines from taking over. There will be many more sad headlines out of NBC in years to come. A sample:

December 12, 2009: NBC Announces Plans to Phase Out All Scripted Programming by 2014

September 25, 2010:Heroes Promises It Will Actually, Finally Be Good This Season

October 12, 2010: The CW Surpasses NBC in Total Viewers

July 30, 2011: Jenna Bush and Kathie Lee Gifford to Host Today: Primetime

August 10, 2011: 24 Hour Fitness' Biggest Loser Nutrisystem Hour Brought To You By Cheerios Announces Lowest Series Finale in History

April 4, 2012: Original Must-See TV Lineup Returns to NBC—As Reruns

June 18, 2012: NBC Loses Last Scripted Show, 30 Rock, to the Hallmark Channel

August 4, 2012: More Americans Travel to London to Watch Olympic Games in Person Than Watch on NBC

January 23, 2013: After Jay Leno's Fatal On-Set Heart Attack, Dane Cook Prepares to Fill Nightly Hosting Duties

September 14, 2014: Saturday Night Live Attracts 200,000 Viewers, Highest Total in Three Seasons

December 12, 2014: FCC Announces It Will Finally Put an End to National Embarrassment of NBC

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

The replacement show sounds sorta interesting. It's Community, a single-camera sitcom about community college starring the adorable and lovable and funny Joel McHale (from The Soup). Another installment of that SNL Weekend Update Thursdays will bounce along in the Thursday 8pm slot for a while, hoping to boost Parks & Recreation's 8:30 numbers. Once Community has, in theory, found its footing and the SNL outpost runs out of economy jokes, 30 Rock will return. Sigh. Right now that sounds like a pretty long wait. Why did that damn Peacock have to see its shadow?

Update! An NBC publicist tells us:

The plan for "30 Rock" is to launch its season fairly shortly after the usual fall debuts. We don't have a particular date set, but it's likely to be in the range of three, four or five weeks into the traditional season. There's currently no expectation that the debut would be delayed into the winter.

Hmm. That doesn't actually say that much though, does it? Empty promises, NBC! "Three, four, or five weeks" could still mean mid-November, depending on when this so-called "traditional season" begins. So we're still bummed. We want this shit the day after Labor Day, people!

The other glaring thing on the schedule is just seeing printed, day after day after day, The Jay Leno Show in the 10pm slot. In theory this whole thing sounded infuriating—for us, for Conan, for Boston—but now seeing it actually crammed into the schedule there... Well, it just seems like it's going to be a disaster. Either no one will watch it or everyone will, leaving Conan adrift and lonely there behind the boring buffer of local 11 o'clock news. Only time will tell how it plays out.

In other TV news: Privileged, Without a Trace, and My Name Is Earl have all been canceled. And the Gossip Girl spinoff really has been shot down, as rumored.

Yes, I Did Say Parks & Recreation
Anyone who dismissed this show after its first sorta underwhelming episode made a mistake. The show has only gotten tighter and sharper, culminating in last night's funny/sad finale. Leslie got kissed, Chris Pratt got his casts off, and Tom Haverford introduced us to his shockingly attractive wife. We love the small, wistful pacing and joke-making of this show. It's not quite as broad and Commedia Dell'arte as The Office. There's something wiser and a bit more weary at work here, especially in Amy Poehler's outta-the-park performance. Her scenes with her old man date were pitch-perfect and just a bit sorrowful, and the almost-at-the-end scene of her and Mark sitting by the pit, near about to kiss, was a heartbreaking little study in rumpled adults being rumpled adults. We're very glad this show got picked up for a second season.

The Office, Who Knew?
Though the season started off pretty weak and we started to write the show off, suddenly something changed or reversed. Everything from the Michael Scott Paper Company on has been basically golden. Though it was a bit of a logistical stretch to have all the branches coming together in one central place for the Dunder Mifflin corporate picnic last night, it was still an ingenious set up and a nice reminder that, even though we're all these seasons in, the writers can still come up with a scenario that feels familiar and banal but, you know, funny. Pam's volleyball prowess was charming where it would have been cloying just a few episodes ago, Michael and Holly (I mean, really, Steve Carell and the ridiculously wonderful Amy Ryan) have such touchingly awkward chemistry, Dwight's weirdo best friend was jolting and gonzo, while Stanley's little aside about not normally enjoying the theater elicited a loud hoot. Plus, you know, Jim and Pam and a baby! Has John Krasinksi ever actually acted like that on the show before? He should do it more often.

30 Rock, Of Course
This show has been on a steady climb most of the season, though this episode, for us, fell just slightly short of some of the other recent installments. Maybe it's because we don't really like music jokes all that much, because we're lame. That aside, Chris Parnell's brilliantly insane Dr. Spaceman is always welcome ("maybe it's the hard K sound that's getting me...") and "sexually transmitted crazy mouth" should enter the lexicon. Plus: Kenneth getting religiousy about science class, "Rainstorm Katrina," and the gay kid at graduation bit ("Who told?") all killed. If the closing, kinda-creaky "We Are the World" joke at the end felt a bit flat to you, well, you're not alone. But all the rest considered, it certainly wasn't a deal breaker.

The morphing of Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan has been underway for a while. But in less than 10 seconds, 30 Rock demonstrated that it's impossible to tell the two apart anymore. Here's a rundown:

Fake!

Fake!

Real!

Real!

Real? Fake? It's really hard to tell at this point.

Specifically, a crazy interview that Morgan did on Chicago's WGN back in 2007 will be included in the April 23rd episode of the brilliant sitcom. Not a reenactment even. Just the damn clip itself, in which Morgan calls out Oprah and lies on the news desk, pretending to be a pregnant lady. Can't wait.

Variety puts its comforting hand on our shoulder and reports that, there there, nothing is so bad after all. The Tina Fey tour de force is earning about 7.7 million viewers a week, up about 21% from last season. It's also hitting demo sweet spots, as most of its viewers are between 18-49, with nice growth in the lower (and more valuable) end of the spectrum.

The crazy thing about these sitcom-starved times is that those numbers, which would never really be considered high, make it the seventh most popular comedy on television right now. In the heady days of the power Tuesday and Must See TV Thursday sitcom blocks, an average of 7.7 million viewers would put a series significantly lower on the laffs totem pole. Lower even, for 1995-1996, than something called Can't Hurry Love, which starred Scott Baio.

Ah well. Now isn't the time for negativity. 30 Rock is a success, and has managed to still be consistently funny, so at least, if nothing else, we have that.

Fey, a total talk show pro at this point, regaled the crowd with stories that highlighted her ordinary-ness: Gawking at stars at the Oscars, dodging drunks, raising her three-year old daughter and just generally not knowing what the deal is with professional vampire Robert Pattinson, of Twilight.

Fallon too often tended toward the opposite, complaining about his showbiz hours and getting way too deep into chummy inside-NBC stories with Fey.

But most of all, the Late Night host needed to quit with the over-laughing. The home audience chuckles more easily if Fallon isn't having a conniption every time his guest says something mildly amusing.

Still: He got Tina Fey on. For like 15 minutes, it felt like! So at least Fallon's viewers were laughing pretty hard too.

Last week Tina Fey herself said that there was no product placement deal involved in this. And today, Ad Age did some "reporting" and, according to both McDonald's and NBC, that's right, this was no paid product placement deal; 30 Rock writers just love the McFlurry that much:

As it turns out, the McDonald's inclusion was really part of the script; McDonald's didn't pay for it, said Jennifer Lane Landolt, director-entertainment alliances for McDonald's. NBC's ad-sales department was also made aware of the inclusion, according to an NBC spokeswoman.

"30 Rock" approached executives from the restaurant chain in advance, asking if they could make use of a McDonald's restaurant for filming purposes, she said. McDonald's executives examined the script and found nothing in it that portrayed the company and its restaurants in a bad light, Ms. Lane Landolt said. "If we felt that something disparaged the brand, we would have pushed back on what they did, but no, we didn't make any changes," she said. The episode was shot in a restaurant operated by an independent New York City franchisee, who was paid for the time his store was closed. The McDonald's ad that ran during the show was "part of our traditional media buy," said Ms. Lane Landolt; no advertising was moved around specifically to be near the "30 Rock" episode.

There you have it: this was a totally organic thing. I have no factual basis whatsoever to say, "Bullshit, they're obviously cuddling up to advertisers during a recession, this is all semantics, they'll get their money on the back end." [Ad Age]

Namely, the McFlurry references felt organic, as 30 Rock has a habit of tying that sort of jokey, downmarket fast food to its most glamorous guest stars (witness Isabella Rossellini declaring her lifelong love for the Arby's "Big Beef and Cheddar" way back in Season One). No, it's the constant, prominent placement of the iPhone in the last two episodes that's really caught our eye. Every character seems to own one, make calls on one, and constantly show off pictures on one (in lengthy close-ups, no less)—even Jack Donaghy, who we totally figured for a Blackberry Storm man.

Here's a mere sampling of the iPhone's screen time over the last two weeks. And yes, we took these pictures off our TV using the iPhone. Can we have our money now?

• 30 Rock [NBC]

Here's the statement she gave New York:

"It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the references to McDonald's in last night's episode of 30 Rock were in no way product placement. (Nor were they an attempt at product placement that fell through.) We received no money from the McDonald's Corporation. We were actually a little worried they might sue us. That's just the kind of revenue-generating masterminds we are.

Also, the upcoming story line where Liz Lemon starts dating Grimace is just based on a recurring dream I have.

Seriously, though, it's not product placement.

Also, whoever is writing my Twitter account is pretty funny, but it's not me."

-Tina Fey

Well, thank god. Not about the product-placement thing, since we couldn't really care one way or another about the broadcast networks' desperate spiral into nonstop primetime payola. No, we're just glad Fey has set the record straight about Twitter's "Tina Fey," since the obviously fake account has bothered us for months. We were kind of hoping Fey was doing an unfunny Twitter impression of herself to make a point about Twitter, but then we remembered that she actually has a life.

In Africa with Diane Sawyer for Nightline, Hayek met a one-year-old who'd been born on the same day as her own daughter Valentina and was so moved by the coincidental bond that she popped out a breast and offered it to the grateful, suckling child. Adults who were born on the same day as Valentina will probably not be as lucky. (Also: Hey, Salma Hayek actually does speak English in a clear and natural manner! If only she could take a tip from real-life Salma's diction instead of hopelessly enunciating her 30 Rock dialogue as though she were a Grammy-addled Whitney Houston.)

• Salma Hayek Breastfed An African Baby On Nightline [Videogum]

Hamm's dreamy and everything, but we'd like to know a little bit more about this Oswald character—the one from the basement, with access to all the building's nails. Possible Jenna love interest? We'll have to stay tuned and see!

• 30 Rock Preview: Tina Fey Meets Jon Hamm [Videogum]

· Bob Iger, on the other hand, had an 11% sweeter 2008 than the year before. He's the happiest honcho on Earth!
· Vulture casts The Miracle of Flight 1549, with the unusual choice of The Magnetic Fields's Stephin Merritt in the role of that talkative dude you might have have seen here, or on just about any other news outlet in the hours following the emergency landing.
· Does anyone recognize Wheelie Boy from the 1971 motocross documentary On Any Sunday? Somebody's looking for him.
· Wondering where Lonny Ross was in last night's 30 Rock? Well then, stop fast forwarding past the commercials!

E! caught up with Edie Falco, who recurred memorably as Baldwin's love interest on the last season of 30 Rock. The actress said she'd love to make a return appearance in the sitcom—ironic, as she was terrified to do it at first until Baldwin's performance advice calmed her down:

As for working with this year's Best Actor and Actress in TV Golden Globes winners, Falco says, "I was actually very scared. You watch Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey; it's like they are speaking Swahili. It's like, 'What the hell is this?'"

Still, she says she learned a lot, especially from Mr. Jack Donaghy himself: "Alec Baldwin actually said to me, 'Everything you ever taught yourself as an actor not to do because it's bad acting, do it on this show.' Because it's larger than life, it's just different."

In a world where 30 Rock is filled with "bad acting," we can't imagine what tier the performances on 'Til Death, Two and a Half Men, and Gary Unmarried fall into. Sorry, Steve Carell and David Duchovny—do a little worse next time, and Baldwin's Golden Globe could be yours!

• Is Edie Falco Coming Back to 30 Rock? [E!]