Sutherland's behavior, like his corrosive and overtly propagandist TV serial, was gratuitously savage; undisputed is that he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at the nightclub, and that McCollough never laid a hand on the actor or presented an imminent threat to anyone else. The only fact in question is whether McCollough stumbled into actress Brooke Shields before getting slammed (Sutherland's people apparently mark this as sufficient justification).

Still, it's a minor charge: Third-degree assault. Sutherland is unlikely to face jail time — in New York.

But Los Angeles is a different matter. There, Sutherland is in the midst of a five-year probation term for his second drunk driving conviction, and will be in violation of that probation if he is found to have broken any laws. Los Angeles prosecutors have already told People they plan to "review the incident" in New York.

A finding of intoxicated battery could draw an especially harsh penalty, of 48 days or more. And that, in turn, could mean delays for 24, set to start production on its eighth season at the end of May, according to the Hollywood Reporter. The show already had a hellish, truncated season 7 due to the writer's strike.

Never let it be said that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't know how to get out of a jam like this one when the clock is ticking. But take away his ability to magically solve all problems by beating the crap out of someone and suddenly his situation, not to mention Fox's, looks a lot more precarious.

Not usually, Janeane Garofalo tells the Village Voice, because everyone's so gosh-darned nice, and the most right-wing writer left the show. Well, golly, then.

But, come to think of it, it was a little unsettling when Rush Limbaugh and Lynne Cheney came by to give the staff major kudos on a job well done, with evil and whatnot, presumably. Garofalo couldn't really stomach that:

When Rush Limbaugh visited the set, and when Lynne Cheney visited the set, I refused to have my picture taken with them or meet them or anything...

When somebody came to me privately and said 'do you want to meet them', I said absolutely not... Not that they were interested in meeting me. And, to tell you the truth, I doubt that Lynne Cheney even knew who I was.

When your biggest fans are so revolting you can't even bring yourself to shake their hands, that's a good signal you've taken a bad gig. But, hey, at least Garofalo mounted a private act of semi-defiance, which may or may not have been noticed, in between cashing paychecks.

[via TV Tattle]

Fox hired a group of consultants to measure how much carbon-dioxide is released from the production of the television show, including the spectacular car chases and crashes, so they can buy offsets. They're also using B20 biodiesel fuel in trucks and generators and paying more for wind and solar power. How much does 12 hours of 24 release? Approximately 1,291 tons of carbon-dioxide.

Though the message won't be a large part of the actual show, we like the idea of Jack Bauer torturing someone in an environmentally friendly way like, maybe, making someone listen to the An Inconvenient Truth soundtrack repeatedly.

[Photo: Fox, via NYTimes]

Somehow, says the magazine, friends of the actor managed to sneak a mysterious adult performer through Sutherland's booze-soaked perimeter on his most recent birthday. However, there was something about this stripper that wouldn't take a hastily improvised torture session to reveal:

A source told the National Enquirer magazine: "The lights dimmed and raunchy blues music blared. A nearly naked blonde bombshell slinked in the room, shoved Kiefer down on a chair and began dancing. But at the moment of truth, when Kiefer expected the stripper to remove her leopard print teddy, 'she' ripped off her wig!"

Kiefer was lost for words and hastily pushed the stripper off his lap, much to the amusement of his friends.

The source added: "Kiefer's jaw dropped and he shoved the she-male away as his pals collapsed screaming. He looked angry for a moment, but soon regained his manners and spoke cordially to the stripper."

Ashamed at his inability to uncover a highly-placed gender mole before it was too late, Sutherland promptly went rogue, demanding answers from some of the more leathery women seated at the bar of his favorite watering hole, Ye Rustic Inn. "DAMMIT!" he barked. "Is that your natural, male baritone, or did you earn that voice through thirty years of breakfast bourbon and Camel Lights?"

• Kiefer Sutherland's stripper shock [FemaleFirst]

Of course, there's no harm in breaking away from the comforting glow every now and again to refill a sloppy second cup of eggnog or hot toddy. We're just suckers for this time of year! [Celebrity-Gossip.net]

After the jump: What actress is set to join the Mile-High Club with George Clooney?

· Vera Farmiga will play George Clooney's requisite romantic interest in Up in the Air, Jason Reitman's Juno follow-up about a man chasing down his life's goal of accruing 1 million frequent flyer miles. [Variety
· Speedy the Diet Supplement will be just one of the cartoon characters easing kids into Fox's planned Weekend Marketplace, a two-hour infomercial block that will replace the network's Saturday-morning cartoon programming. [Variety]
· Robert De Niro is the latest player to belly up to the Middle East gravy bowl, franchising his Tribeca Film Festival to Qatar for an annual event to screen in the capital city of Doha. [Variety]

"There's no smoking," Sutherland, 41, tells Men's Vogue in its December/January issue, which hits newsstands Nov. 25. "The lights never go out, 24/7. You can't cover anything. You can't even put your head under a blanket. All the cells have cameras in them."

Although Sutherland has resumed smoking, the knowledge that he could go 48 days with his Camels is a comforting thought.

"My drinking was not a daily thing, so it wasn't an issue. And, oddly enough, neither was the smoking," he tells the magazine, adding, "I was very glad to know that I could quit. And one day soon I will."

Until then, though: hot wings at Ye Rustic are on Kiefer! He'll just be outside, trying to bum a Camel light off the drunk, 50-year-old blonde (Liz?) he saw sitting at the end of the bar, head lolling just low enough to earn her brittle bleached hair an extra sheen of beer-soaked highlights.

• Kiefer Sutherland Describes Jail Ordeal [People]

On the Conservative right you have jingo-tastic torture and shoot first, then maybe ask questions 24. Alongside it are The Hills (Heidi Montag endorses McCain, he calls her "a very talented actress", John Adams twirls in his grave. Plus it's all about remorseless spending and there are no gays on the show and, actually, thousands of gays in LA, especially working in fashion for God's sake), The Sopranos (we think it's more about conservative people than it is conservative, but some people read it is rah rah family values, in perverted way. And yes we realize it's not on the air anymore, whatevs), and Two and a Half Men. OK, so we don't normally watch that show but lots of people do! We suspect they're the 60 million people we don't want to talk to, enemies of ideas and progress and rebellion against the status quo.

On the left you have Liberal nutjobs like 30 Rock (though Tina Fey's character once said she would probs end up voting for McCain, that was a while ago, and man oh man things have changed. That "Cooter" episode alone qualifies it as one of the most searingly liberal shows on the air), gay-friendly fare like Greek (best show on TV right now, no joke. Watch it.), the aforementioned GG (its actors are libs, its cast ethno and homo friendly, the really rich kids avoid talking about what would probably be conny politics), and Mad Men. This show is a toss up because, like The Sopranos it's about some conservative people, but not necessarily conservative in its messages. It's ultimately a study of the Beginning of the End of the American dream, which gives it some trenchantly liberal undertones. Plus that sad gay character. Hm. Just like Sopranos.

And then there's South Park in the middle, the cartoon show with its own brand of Libertarianism. I suppose it's fair for an iconoclast to claim no particular affiliation other than with one's own self-satisfaction.

What else would you add to the chart, and where? Maybe a conservative nod to "fuck habeas corpus" shows like Law & Order: SVU?

• Late Show

Is the movie sticking to the TV show's real-time format?

It is. This two hours is two hours in real time and there'll then be 22 episodes. I don't know how they connect it to the first of those 22 episodes but it's literally the third hour...

So it will lead straight into the new series?

Yeah.

Though last season's 24 might have been better off as 16, Kiefer-starved fans will no doubt take this news poorly (to say nothing of the Mary Lynn Rajskub message boards!). Rest assured, though, producers are working overtime to provide even more twists and turns to make up for the season's two lost episodes. Spoiler alert: the Christmas tree was behind it all!

• Robert Carlyle Talks '24: The Movie' [Premiere]

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Mirrors star Kiefer Sutherland and gal pal Siobhan Bonnouvrier attempted to flex their star power muscle at a New York area Apple Store over the weekend. After talking with the store's manager for quite a lengthy time, Sutherland was unable to get his hand on the soon to be release iPhone 3G. Bonnouvrier asked the manager if he knew whom they were dealing and if he's been enjoying all the freedom that Jack Bauer has provided over the last seven years. The manager replied, "I'd gladly give a phone to one of The Lost Boys, but we don't have any yet. My hands are tied on this one." Sutherland asked if he could use the excuse that it's a matter of national security to get the phone, but the manager shrugged his shoulders and said that he could sell them one of the first generation phones and that was about it. Sutherland and his girlfriend left the store while stating that it wasn't over between them yet and that the next time will be personal.

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

In 2001, 24 debuted. Its premiere episode was nearly pulled because it featured a plane getting shot out of the sky in a scenario eerily similar to the events of September 11th. But viewers who found the terrorists-are-out-to-get-us premise all too believable could relax because Jack Bauer was assigned to protect an African-American presidential candidate. There was no way that was realistic; there weren't even any Black senators. But a funny thing happened. Palmer won the election. We've spent the past six years watching an African-American president. We've seen him handle one ridiculous crisis after another — and he seemed to be doing a better job than the president we actually had. Palmer even had some of Obama's annoying qualities. He always wanted to take the high road, even when the situation merited a Jack Bauer style ass-kicking. He was too trusting of his unscrupulous associates.

The Obama/Palmer connection has been observed throughout the blogosphere and by the actor who played Palmer himself, Dennis Haysbert. Who knows. Maybe Hilary's real problem was that TV's female president is relegated to basic cable on Battlestar Galactica.

The gay marriage-television link is equally strong. While gay weddings were occasional plot points dating back to the Seinfeld episode where Elaine attends a gay wedding, this past season they were parts of the season finales of two of ABC's hits. Moreover, they were presented as ordinary events, no different than heterosexual marriage ceremonies. Brothers and Sisters ended with Kevin and Scotty's wedding, which was attended by a Republican senator.

On Desperate Housewives, conservative, gun toting Republican Bree, who once abandoned her gay son, catered the wedding of Wisteria Lane gays, Bob and Lee. None of the heterosexuals on the block raised an eye brow.

Mere weeks later, the California Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. Coincidence? Probably. But the muted opposition outside of Kern County could be because people are already used to seeing gay weddings on TV.

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While on vacation in Hawaii, former 24 star Elisha Cuthbert let it slip that the producers of the popular action/thriller had been tinkering with applying the 24 format to a story that's both romantic and comedic. Cuthbert suggested that the producers set the show during a college spring break, which provided her the necessary leeway from an accounting perspective to write her trip — and that bikini — off as business expense.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

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In a Forgetting Sarah Marshall inspired moment of honesty, Kiefer Sutherland told his girlfriend, Siobhan Bonnouvrier, that he doesn't care that much for the clothing she picks out for him. Sutherland told his gal pal that he's far more comfortable in a V-Neck from American Apparel than the giant scarves the 24 star has been forced to wear lately. She quickly corrected him, explaining that there's a BIG difference between a scarf and a pashmina. Sutherland started to remove the pashmina and said, "Well, whatever it is, I don't like it and it's spring so why I am even wearing it?"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]