Gawker
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shiloh jolie-pitt
The Cutthroat World Of Celebrity Toddler Fashion Just Got A Little More Fierce
Poor little Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. Not only does she face a future of scratch marks on her chubby cheeks wielded by notoriously jealous Zahara, but the female half of the Chosen Twins has to compete with older sister Shiloh for a spot on Hollywood’s Best Dressed Little Girls list. OK! has released their juvenile version of Mr. Blackwell’s annual rundown, awarding gold stars to everyone from newborn Harlow Madden, with her “mix between chic and rock,” to 2-year old Shiloh’s ability to “navigate the line between girly glam and tomboy cutting edge.” Yes, well done, Chosen One. What skill and grace it must take to lie back, spit up a few gaga goos, and wait for personal dresser Brad Pitt to equip you with a pricey new cashmere-and-diamond onesie. The rest of the list, including the mag’s pick for #1 most fashionable little doomed diva, after the jump. More »
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Comment by NotReadyForPrimeTime: How much does Tom Cruise pay to get his kid on the list? If anyone were paying attention, Suri's... more » | Other threads
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defamer
Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician
Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here: More » -
angelina jolie
Brangelina Enlists Tacky Psychic To Help Design Chosen Twins' Nursery
With Angelina Jolie in her final trimester, the last few weeks have brought an onslaught of Exclusives! that turned out to be false terribles, Bloopers! from co-stars over-spilling details about the impending birth, and most recently, Intimate Details! regarding the exact coordinates and furnishings planned for the Chosen Two’s habitat. While all the murkiness adds up to a few simple assumed facts (the twins are girls, they will be born in France, and no, they have not been born yet), we still can’t help being fascinated with Brad’s inner architect distracting him from any fear he may be suffering regarding the fact that his nervously alluded to “soccer team” dream is kinda coming true. And when nerves and cold feet collide in the form of rumored disputes on how to decorate the girls’ nursery, there is only one person to solve the argument over “60s modern” or “classic European”: a psychic, of course. What “vibe” the all-knowing cosmic guide got from the pair, and an update on that Versailles monstrosity of a nursery after the jump. More »
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Comment by MartiniShark: Why not use the psychic for the benefit of the planet, guys? You can find out the exact time of... more » | Other threads
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the chosen two
One Bad Joke Made By Jack Black Forces Angelina Jolie To Confirm Presence Of The Chosen Twins
Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favorite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we’re pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it... More » -
sibling rivalry
Violent Outbreaks Occur Between Warring Factions Of Brangelina's Brood
We are shocked (shocked!) to hear this, but word on the street is that the lovely and ever-growing multicultural soccer team united by Brad and Angelina isn't exactly getting along of late. According to Star, animosity and friction is growing among the four little Jolie-Pitts, with personalities growing bolder and fights getting messier. And, unsurprisingly, The Chosen One is allegedly on the brunt of most blows. Most disturbing of all? As a source claims, those cushy lips of hers are only getting bigger as a result of actual physical blows from her siblings:"[Zahara] once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie...Angie gets worried when Shi plays with them...she always comes back with a scraped knee or a fat lip!"
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Comment by sundaeg1rl: Um, isn't that a sign that the parents aren't a) giving them enough attention, b) aren't disciplining them, at least... more » | Other threads
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defamer
Angelina Jolie At The Independent Spirit Awards: Is That A Baby Bump or Burrito Bloat?
Come ON, Angie. Now you're just teasing us. After countless denials, brush-offs on CNN, and a downright refusal to fess up already, Miss Jolie showed up at the Independent Spirit Awards wearing a dress so tight we could practically see the alleged twinset kicking their way through her pretty tummy. The black form-fitting gown she wore was hardly maternity wear, and made a point to tell us that we are suckers and she is crafty. Not quite an Eff You to the press, but rather a subtle "I Know You Know What I Know" kind of gesture. Personally, we don't think Angie's obligated to shout her knocked up news from the rooftops, and we actually applaud Mrs. Jolie-Pitt's brazenly ostentatious visual shout-out. Click through to see those future Chosen Ones up close and personal. More »
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Comment by jwick25: @KingHater: There is nothing that would make me happier than the banishment of "baby bump" (and "bump watch") from human... more » | Other threads
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angelina jolie
As long as we're on the subject of a certain high-profile couple and their extravagantly large family: "Los Feliz has the reputation of being a safe and peaceful LA neighborhood. But shortly after 4 a.m. on Nov. 27, gunshots rang out — just 25 feet from where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie live with their four children. Life & Style has learned exclusively that a gunman, believed to be driving a Saab, fired two shots, striking a Range Rover owned by a local resident and hitting the driver's- side window of a camper van used by Brad and Angie's security team. 'It was crazy,' neighbor John Martinez tells Life & Style. 'If anybody had been in the car, he or she could've been killed'." It's certainly a relief that this story seems to have no direct connection to the mag's WHERE'S SHILOH? cover piece; no foul play is suspected in the mysterious disappearance of the The Chosen One from the pages of the supermarket checkout rags, just Jolie's preference for keeping the the boring blob away from the paparazzi until she learns to play to the camera as well as her more interesting siblings. [L&S]
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By MarkComment by BabylonSister: Has Shiloh already had collagen injections in the lips? more » | Other threads
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defamer
The Chosen One's Modest First Birthday Party
It's hard to believe, but an entire year has passed since Angelina Jolie, swollen with her first biological offspring at the finest resort in Namibia, rang the delicate bell that summoned down from Heaven the host of seraphim midwives who would gently escort through her blessed birth canal the Chosen infant widely expected to usher in an era of worldwide peace and prosperity. Since those earliest, auspicious moments, however, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's messianic career has to be seen as a resounding disappointment, with not a single miracle credited to the tyke over the last twelve months, a letdown that quickly drove mother Angelina to the orphanages of Vietnam to snatch up the first adorable urchin to tug at the hem of her khakis. More » -
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angelina jolie
Angelina Jolie Prefers Hand-Picked Refugees To Blob Of Her Loins
In an upcoming interview with the UK edition of Elle, occasional actress and globe-trotting orphan collector Angelina Jolie admits that she has a special fondness for the members of her multicultural brood that she carefully hand-selected from the Third World's finest baby bazaars, telling the magazine that she finds it easier to open her heart to Cambodian Maddox and Ethiopian Zahara than to biological daughter Shiloh, the genetically perfect, still-amorphous baby-blob rendered totally, like, boring by her privileged birth: More »
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By MarkComment by schvitzatura: China is working real hard to try to get Jolie to adopt...they won't let Western "fatties/people of size" adopt...more opportunities... more » | Other threads
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By MarkComment by Bon Jour, Pee Wee: It's cute, now, but we'll see if those genes actually hold. Zahara and Maddox don't look happy at all. more » | Other threads
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angelina jolie
Angelina Jolie Combines Latest Acting Job WIth Exciting Adoption Opportunities
Long before she devoted much of her time to crisscrossing the world to feed individual grains of rice to famine-afflicted infants with a tweezer, and before she was occupied with the even more vital task of bringing to term the most genetically perfect child ever conceived, Angelina Jolie was an actress. Now that the Chosen One has been expelled from her blessed womb and can embark on her own global missions of mercy, Jolie is ready to once again ply her trade. Unsurprisingly, the role she's chosen for her return to the screen is a weightier one than last summer's fucking-and-fighting blockbuster with eventual impregnator/orphan molder Brad Pitt, which while a fine piece of work in the I-can't-decide-whether-to- rip-off-your-shirt-or-shoot-you-in-the-face genre, would hardly be an appropriate choice for the World's Most Socially Conscious Hollywood Citizen now. According to Variety, Jolie will play Mariane Pearl, the widow of kidnapped and cruelly executed journalist Daniel Pearl, and to keep her next career step in the family, partner Pitt's Plan B is producing. And in another family bonus, the project's likely location shoots in Pakistan should afford Jolie plenty of window-shopping time at the country's overflowing orphanages, where a suitable, race/gender/nationality-coordinated addition to her multicultural brood can easily be selected. More » -
angelina jolie
The Chosen One Is Tearing Angelina Jolie's Family Apart
We recognize that you probably didn't have the patience to sit through two solid hours of Anderson Cooper chatting with Angelina Jolie about her many, many charitable works, so we've helpfully condensed the overlong interview down to the only part you care about: when she talks about her kids. Jolie somewhat shockingly reveals that the birth of Shiloh has factionalized her brood—Maddox has embraced his new sister, while jealous Zahara is still suspicious of the baby. This crucial admission reinforces that Jolie's use of strategic adoption is to correct the undue influence of the the newly-formed Cambodian-Biological bloc on intrafamilial policy, not color-balance her children for the purpose of more striking People cover shoots. More » -
chosen one
The Chosen One Performs First Retail Miracle
Showing a maturity far beyond that of the average seventeen-day-old infant, young Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt decided that curing the polio outbreak in her birth country of Namibia might be too showy an initial display of her powers, and instead opted for the more modest first miracle of assisting a Denver boutique in moving some overpriced t-shirts: More »
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By MarkComment by Trixie from Toronto: I noticed that T-shirt with the skull and crossbones on The Chosen One --- Ooooooh! Skull and crossbones!!! How dark,... more » | Other threads
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brad pitt
BREAKING! The Chosen One Has Arrived! Look Busy!
We knew there was a reason the African wildlife-modified manger scene in our front yard was shimmering extra luminously. In yet another World! Exclusive!, TMZ.com is reporting that the Chosen One is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, probably certainly among us already:
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angelina jolie
Hollywood PlagueWatch III: Namibia's Freak Polio Outbreak
When word spread yesterday that Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their little bundle of global-savior joy, Shiloh Nouvel, might soon be returning from Namibia to our local shores, we didn't spend much time asking why. There was far too much hosanna singing and "Welcome Home, Chosen One" giant-banner preparation to attend to for us to waste what precious time we had left wondering what might be hastening the trinity's return from their African love paradise. Not for the NY Times, however, who report that the "mystery disease" that popped up around the time of the birth and killed three is no longer a mystery: it's polio. And it's a full-fledged outbreak. More » -
short ends
Short Ends: You Are Dateless For The MTV Movie Awards
· The MTV Movie Awards are airing now on the East Coast. (9 p.m. for us.) If you haven't been invited to a viewing party, it's much too late—you're watching them alone. And don't look Jessica Alba's televised image in the eye—you're not worthy. More » -
angelina jolie
Angelina Jolie Stars In 'The Blathering'
Feeling perhaps that $4.1 million was a tad high to pay for a few simple photographs of mother, father, and the Messianic product of a very non-immaculate conception, Angelina Jolie filled out her Chosen One media exclusive package by speaking approximately 4.1 million words on the subject to a reporter recently, as Keeper of the Sacred Seed, Brad Pitt, sat silently by her side. TMZ.com has video of the interview, which we imagine was immediately preceded by Jolie loudly inhaling air for 30 seconds. As for revelations, Jolie mentions she plans on celebrating (yes, celebrating. Got a problem with that?) World Refugee Day on June 20 right here in LA, exciting news for the local lame-limbed and frail. They need only figure out a way to avoid their security duty's sniper fire in order to get within the requisite 120-foot radius of the Chosen One's Malibu compound nursery, upon which they'll joyfully throw their crutches to the sand. (And unscrupulously choose later to hang onto their handicapped access parking tags.) More » -
brad pitt
Brad And Angelina Do Not Need Your Meaningless Institutions
Because the entire universe would be sucked into an infinitely dense black hole the size of a double-sized, special wedding issue of Us Weekly should a single utterance from the mouths of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go unrecorded by a roomful of wire service and tabloid reporters, the AP notes that the world's most famous new parents briefly emerged from their Namibian hidey hole to let us know that they are deeply committed to maintaining young Shiloh's illegitimacy by forgoing a meaningless marriage ritual: More »
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By MarkComment by PickaLittleTalkaLittle: Picture this: Shiloh is approaching the ripe old age of 16, when she finds herself pregnant by her 28-year-old boyfriend,... more » | Other threads
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chosen one
Great Moments In Shiloh Jolie-Pitt History
The LAT commemorates the momentous occasion of the internet-wide leaking of the first image of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (and, perhaps, the first legal threats made on the baby's behalf) by assembling a timeline of important moments in the eleven-day-old infant's existence. All the crucial milestones are covered, including the fated infidelity that first brought Mommy and Daddy together, the sex act that would enable the commingling of Hollywood's finest specimens' perfect genetic material, and, most crucially, the Chosen One's first photo shoot: More » -
chosen one
World! Exclusive! First-ish Look At The Chosen One!
Defamer has exclusively obtained via another website this EXCLUSIVE! reproduction of the cover of a publication that has paid an extravagant fee (People reportedly paid $4.1 million at auction for the American rights) to publish the first photographs of pre-sainted celebrity offspring Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and the two people whose selfless combination of their genetic material has ushered in a new era of peace, harmony, and perpetual, joyous high-fiving into a turbulent, evil-plagued planet. Mere moments after staring upon the Chosen One's image, we felt as if we were bathed in the same golden light that surrounds the infant's still-frail form, and our usual feelings of crippling insecurity and anxiousness were quickly supplanted by a general sense of warmth and well-being. That's all the secondhand grace we can endure for now, but later we plan on exposing a troubling mole with irregular borders to the young Shiloh's placid image, hoping that the blemish will shrink into benign nothingness and save us the copay for a trip to the dermatologist. More »
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By MarkComment by Big Daddy Drew: Pretty good looking for a stillborn. more » | Other threads
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chosen one
There Is No Theoretical Limit To Brangelina's Charitable Works
By now you've probably figured out that we cropped the word "photos" from the end of the headline, but would anyone really be that surprised to learn that Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Couple (or, more accurately, Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Actress And The Dude Who Goes Along With Whatever She Says Because The Sex Is Still Mind-Blowing) decided to set an almost unattainable example of selflessness for their less generous peers by auctioning off young Shiloh to the highest bidder, then donating the proceeds to their favorite charity? Even with their biological daughter becoming the exclusive property of People, they'd still have their two previous adorable adoptees upon whom to lavish their love, and should they ever get the urge to wipe out illiteracy in Chad, they could have a new baby ready to go to market in about nine months. More » -
short ends
Short Ends: The $17,000 Binky
· Idol champ Taylor Hicks wound up working at Wal-Mart even more quickly than we thought he would. More » -
chosen one
Hollywood PlagueWatch II: Shiloh's Mystery Disease
The suspicious birth of Suri Cruise was met with a local outbreak of the bubonic plague, so we can't say we're all that surprised that another monumental celebrity infant arrival was met with a fresh wave of pestilence. The death toll should stop at three, however, as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rush to the outbreak site, knowing that exposure to the Chosen One will immediately cure those afflicted with the mystery disease. More » -
angelina jolie
Jolie's Lawyers Give Little Shiloh Her Own Domain Name
The folks over at esteemed Scary Hollywood Lawyer factory Lavely & Singer gave Angelina Jolie an incredibly thoughtful gift shortly after the Namibian birth of her baby, registering an array of domain names, including ShilohJoliePitt.com and ShilohNouvelJoliePitt.com, for their highly valued client. It's the latest indication of how much better the Jolie-Pitt image machine is run than the rival, suspicion-inviting Cruise-Holmes team. Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, carelessly opted to send some knit booties as a shower gift and let SuriCruise.com slip through the cracks, resulting in the embarrassing Countdown to Legality that gleefully informs us that there are only 6530 days, 12 hours, 52 minutes, and 40 seconds until Suri's 18th birthday. More »
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By MarkComment by Picka Little, Talka Little: Will Shiloh's website be in Namibian or English? more » | Other threads
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short ends
Short Ends: Where Love Is Born
· Good news! Lisa Turtle isn't all coked up! And she's willing to sue to make sure everyone knows it. More » -
jennifer aniston
But How Is Jen Holding Up? Part II: Aniston Learns Of The Chosen One's Birth
Ever since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that the couple was supplementing their adopted brood with a biological offspring, the tabloids' favorite psychological bloodsport has been the constant monitoring of Jennifer Aniston's emotional state in the wake of her ex-husband's hasty insemination of the first appropriately famous uterus willing to accept his genetically desirable seed. Accordingly, Star reveals Aniston's reaction to the news that her dread has been made flesh: More » -
brad pitt
Brad And Angelina Save Africa, One Country At A Time
Despite the fact that the Chosen One is widely believed to be the savior of mankind and possesses messianic, cripple-healing powers, charging Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's parents with delivering Namibia from its AIDS and poverty crises swill just set up the African nation for disappointment. Angelina Jolie's much-photographed commitment to charitable causes is unquestioned, and the high-end baby boutiques that might sprout up there may help the local economy, but Brad Pitt may be uncomfortable being saddled with such a massive responsibility for a place he picked out for the birth of their child because "it would be cool to see some lions and shit while Ang pops out the rugrat." More » -
short ends
Short Ends: Still More On The Chosen One
· Gallery of the Absurd makes the heretical claim that the Chosen One might wind up something less than physically perfect, then follows it up with an equally heretical graven image of the baby that will one day save mankind. More »
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By MarkComment by Romana Klay: How long before Jennifer Aniston checks into Promises? more » | Other threads
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angelina jolie
Jolie-Pitt Biological OffspringWatch: The Chosen One Arrives
It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers. And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild. More » -
brad pitt
Brangelina In Namibia: A Round-Up
· Brad Pitt finds himself the target of the celebrity-infant-safety zealots who have mobilized since Britney Spears' repeated, ostentatious child-endangerment episodes after he was seen taking out daughter Zahara for a helmetless [audible gasp!] bicycle ride in a non-bike-ride-approved baby sling [outraged, uncontrollable vomiting!]. [Rush & Molloy] More » -
brad pitt
Jolie-Pitt Biological OffspringWatch: Chosen One's Birth Inconveniently 'Imminent'
Brad Pitt broke some bad news to his French fans earlier today, begging out of the Cannes debut of his latest movie via an e-mail explaning his absence from the festival: More »
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1-31 of 31 for "Defamer, Chosen One"
