• Brangelina are in the mood for love and maybe a new baby—but how do they have sex when that horrible beard is always in the way? "Angie playfully grabbed at Brad's tux jacket, gazed at him lovingly and ran her fingers through his hair - all while he planted soft kisses on her head." This scene puts Brad's chin scraggle of horror on top of her face. I conclude the following: (1.) Angelina is a closed-eye kisser (2.) The new baby will not be made in missionary. Sidenote: Should "Brangelina" be treated as a single or plural noun? [3AM]
• 
  
• The Tiger Woods mistress prophecies are coming true. Sexting all-star Jaimee Grubbs is going to pose for Maxim. She has clearly invested some of her sext sale cash into high-end extensions and a makeover, and it's all very exciting, this must be self actualization for her. [P6]
• 
  
• If Madonna were dating Brad, she'd be fine, because she likes shoes better than sex, anyway. Says pricey cobbler Jimmy Choo: "Madonna told me that buying a pair of my shoes is more satisfying than having sex with a man. At least you know they are going to last forever!" Luckily, Madonna's current friend is not a mere man, but a wanton sex Christian-y sex god. [OK]
• 
  
• Oops. Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked recently widowed Lovely Bones star Stanley Tucci how his wife liked the movie on The View yesterday. Tucci started it by mentioning his wife; Hasselbeck followed up and he dodged gracefully. This story breaks my heart a little, imagining the split-second adjustment he must have made when he realized the misunderstanding, and then tried to cover it up genially. "The show must go on." [P6]
• 
  
• Pocket-sized Jersey Shore star Snooki lost her job to anti-famewhore workplace discrimination: "I was a receptionist at a corporation. I was getting good money, like $13 an hour. I got fired when I asked for time off to go to L.A." [NYDN]
• 
  
• Kevin Jonas "secret" wedding is this weekend, and the story's actually sort of sweet: Danielle Deleasa was a hairstylist hanging out in the Bahamas with her family when she met Kevin. He proposed to her on her doorstep in New Jersey in June; she will wear a strapless Vera Wang gown when they tie the knot; LALate has pictures where they look like a shocking normal couple. [P6] [LALate]
• 
  
• Elin Nordegren is "talking to" divorce attorney to the stars Sorrell Trope, who brokered splits for Nicole Kidman, Cary Grant, Hugh Grant, and Britney Spears. [NYDN]
• 
  
• The stylish cyclist run over by Anne Hathaway's getaway vehicle was a paparazzo! This upends my understanding of the tabloid press completely. [AP]
• 
  
• Demi Moore is in a Twitter fight over looking "old" in a twitpic. "I'm 47 how am I supposed to look?" she asked. I want to be all "you go girl," but Demi is the poster child for warped, plastically perverted age comprehension, so my loyalties are getting confused. [OK]
• 
  
• Saddest gossip item of the day: Tiger Woods Spotted Golfing Alone at Night. Apparently it "clears his head," but he only does it when nobody is looking, for he is ashamed. The sport that made him a god among men is now his midnight vice. All because of a couple other midnight vices. [Us]
• 
  

• Angelina Jolie's "SUICIDE ATTEMPT!" is all over the National Enquirer, which says Angie had a separation anxiety attack when Brad went to France, and confessed suicidal impulses to him by phone. Why did no other tabloid report this story, despite a cavalcade of siren-blaring emergency vehicles rolling up to the Jolie-Pitt fortress to rescue the damsel in distress? Why, because Brad and Ange are hiding it from the kids—hiding it so well even the paps didn't notice. [NatEnq]
• 
  
• Madonna looks like she's had new work done in her new Dolce & Gabana ads. [fig.1] Is her face usually so puffy? Whereas rich plastic ladies used to have excessively tight skin due to too many facelifts, the advent of cosmetic fillers now renders them pillowy-plump bloats. What a fascinating world we live in, where the elderly females of the species display the status of medical innovation on the fronts of their heads. [3am]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods will be alone for the holidays. Elin is taking the kids with her to Sweden for an indefinite period of time, starting now-ish, and they will not return for a few weeks, at least. [People]
• 
  
• Anne Hathaway was riding shotgun in a car when a cyclist—on a fancy-looking hipster bike with hot pink pedals and dusty lilac frame that matched his purple socks [fig.2]—got ran over. Nobody was injured, so it is now OK to note that, between the candy colors and Annie's lovely face, this must be the prettiest near-death tableau I have ever seen. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Of course Jennifer Garner is the overactive, maniacally perfect mother who makes baby food from scratch. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• On the opposite end of the maternal spectrum, Courtney Love not only lost custody of her daughter, but lost the right to see and speak to her. Frances Bean Cobain now has a restraining order. Frances Bean and her new guardians aren't giving comment, but Courtney's scattering her usual trainwreck utterances across her Facebook page. [P6]
• 
  
• And on the, um, gross end of the spectrum: Sarah Jessica Parker's son "misses my mole," which she had removed from face. She also talks about being "bloodied and scabbed," and, ugh, it's all getting a little too real for me. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Jessica Simpson denies the ludicrous claim that she had sex with Tiger Woods, via Twitter. Star's story was "a JOKE" and "A LIE!" [E!]
• 
  
• Nonetheless, Page Six is taking a page from Star's book: "Madonna and Tiger Linked!" But wait: It's ironic, or a bait and switch: The item is actually about Madge visiting Tiger's druggie doc at some point. [P6]
• 
  
• One last Tiger Woods item, which may actually reveal something about his inner state: Tiger's high school/college sweetheart gave E! a handwritten break-up letter from Tiger in which he "inform[s]" her "of my absolute anger and disappointment in you" for telling the press she was his girlfriend. "P.S. Please mail my necklace that I gave to you when you get back home. Don't show up at the tournament tomorrow because you are just not welcomed." Silence, it seems, is golden to Tiger, which means Elin remains the only girl for him, because the rest are talk-talk-talk. (Except Joslyn James! Maybe the scary-looking porn star will win after all.) [E!]
• 
  

Figure 1.

Figure 2.

Though this two-minute trailer contains many of the same sequences as the first one, today's version is much cleaner and crisper. It also offers a little insight into the plot. It seems that Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is returning to Wonderland to find that the evil Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) has taken over and made everything as horrible as a death in the family during Saturday morning cartoons. Now, Alice teams up with Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter (really, did anyone think he wasn't going to kill this role?) to fight for the nice White Queen (Anne Hathaway in Glinda the Good Witch drag, if that's a compliment) and restore the kingdom.

From the looks of it, Burton got the balance of real life and computer-generated magic just right. The trap that many fall into—like George Lucas' Star Wars prequels—is to opt for a perfect glimmering surface free of grit, grime, and flaw. It seems like Burton's fantasia—while lush and populated with strange and brilliant creature—has enough quirk and darkness to keep it interesting and somehow realistic. Before we were dreading the unveiling of this manufactured fairy tale, now we'll be the first in line, with our 3-D glasses already on.

• The Wrap reports that despite grossing over $300 million to date in their world tour, U2 is only just on the brink of breaking even — just as the tour is about to shut down for the summer. The expenses of hauling around its giant spider-like prong stage are so immense that despite months of sold out shows they are only just putting their heads above the waterline. According to the piece, however the band, sees the tour as a way of continuing to pump some excitement into the franchise as they enter their twilight years. [The Wrap]

• The weekend box office has been abandoned to the monsters. Pre-Halloween fight films will dominate this weekend with Saw 4 and the continued expansion of Paranormal Activity each tracking in the $25 million range. [LA Times]

• District 9 Director Neill Blomkamp has signed up for his next picture. Media Rights Campaign has committed to financing his sophomore outing, an untitled, unexplained project which will go before cameras in mid-2010. [Variety]

• In his overview of the TV season to date, The Hollywood Reporter's James Hibberd sees the networks, or most of them, staging a bit of a comeback, with a surprising number of new shows actually connecting. Glee, Modern Family, The Vampire Diaries and NCIS: Los Angeles are cited as success stories. The one very dark spot in the network picture continues to be, of course, the black hole of NBC. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Dreamworks has ordered a script for a live action version of the Japanese animated classic Ghost in the Shell. Shutter Island screenwriter Laeta Kalogridi will take a first stab at the project. [Variety]

• Anne Hathaway and Neil Patrick Harris have signed on to do voices in Fox's upcoming Rio, by the animation team that brought you Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. [Hollywood Reporter]

A Tisch student named Danlly Domingo has sent us a photo, of a behatted Mia Thermopolis—along with other members of the cast—offering slices around to the weary-but-committed ticket hopefuls.

Sure this might have been some carefully orchestrated PR thing—even though it was the last day of Twelfth Night, Hathaway will return to the New York stage in Promises, Promises and possibly a Judy Garland musical—but who cares. It's still pretty cool that at 3am the morning before her big final performance, the actress came out to say a gracious thank you to devoted theatergoers.

Good things do happen in New York! And sometimes, just sometimes, they involve celebrities. Give us your hat so we can tip it to you, Anne.

• So Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo got into a huge fight at some event for Jet Blue, just another one of a bazillion events they'd attend together to scoop up appearance fees, when they got into a huge fight and before you know it, it was over. [Hollyscoop]
  
  
• If you're wondering what future seasons of Jon and Kate Plus 8 will be like, it's rumored that it'll feature some scenes with Jon's new girlfriend. Ooohhh...catfight! [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan tried to get up on a drunk Justin Timberlake at Noah Tepperberg's new club Avenue the other night, but Timberlake was all "get on out of here ho!" and shooed her away. This gave Lindsay a sad and she went on Twitter and tried to start a rumor about him. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway keeps her friends looking stylish by giving them loads of clothes out of her own closet. Surely, many of them come free from designers and stylists or were purchased by her swindler ex-boyfriend, but still, a nice gesture. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Megan Fox is working on a film in St. Francisville, Louisiana (I've been there!) and almost burned down the whole town after some explosion on the set spread to some of the surrounding "historic" buildings and land. Her crappy thumbs are probably to blame here. [Page Six]
  
  
• Creepy Men's Fitness editor Neal Boulton and his wife have begun shooting scenes around town for their reality show about the bi-sexual swinging life in New York City. Consider yourselves warned. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna is so upset over having to be away from her English country home that she's ordered architects to redesign her Upper West Side apartment to create the feel of a house on the English countryside. Naturally, she's driving everyone involved with the project insane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Courtney Love is looking kind of like she needs one of those Steve Jobs style liver transplants or something. She's just withering away. [Sun]
  
  
• Daryl Hannah is now an environmental activist and she was arrested yesterday for sitting on top of a coal mine or something. [EOnline]
  
  
• This video of Zachary Quinto being dragged to the ground by his dog as a man dressed as a t-bone steak walks by is one of the most bizarre things you'll ever see. [DListed]

Hathaway, coming off a much-deserved Oscar nomination for her performance in Rachel Getting Married, is starring in the Shakespeare in the Park production of Twelfth Night opening this week at the Delacorte Theater in Central Park. As a result, Hathaway was featured in a piece in Sunday's New York Times and is subject of this week's New York magazine cover feature.

About her gender-bending role in the play, Hathaway sounded, well, terrified in the Times piece.

"I have a double learning curve, not only because it's my first time with Shakespeare but because this is my first major theatrical production," Ms. Hathaway said. "So just staving off a nervous breakdown has been the main thing for me."

"A lot of people in the cast come up to me at the end of the week and ask how I'm feeling, and I kind of vomit emotions, and they say, ‘Oh, good, that's exactly where you should be,' " she said. "And I remember the first time a bug flew into my face at rehearsal, I turned to Dan and asked, for my own edification, ‘If a bug flies into our face, are we allowed to react or just be stoic?' He just said, ‘Use your discretion.' "

Ms. Hathaway still seemed a bit surprised and thrilled to be in the cast.

"Yeah," Ms. Hathaway said, "I think I live in constant fear of being revealed to be a fraud because I'm with not only exquisite experience, but actors who have so much stage experience. And people who have experience in the park, which is a whole different kind of expertise."

"I had a very naïve, really arrogant adolescent idea that I could do Shakespeare because I did one monologue in an acting class when I was 18," she said. "One thing that dawned on me early in this process: We were sitting around and sharing our knowledge of Shakespeare and some trivia, and I just realized that the study of Shakespeare is cumulative, and I felt really lucky to be getting my first crack at it at such a young age."

In the New York piece, Hathaway noted how she's long yearned to spread her dramatic wings by tackling stage roles and secretly harbors a desire to become a full-blown stage diva.

She likes the long rehearsals, she likes slipping off to the uptown Shake Shack with cast and crew. It's a bit of being the actress she imagined she'd be when, as a child in New Jersey, she decided to take after her mother, who acts in regional theater and has done so forever. "I hounded [Public Theater director] Oskar Eustis for years," she says. After Rachel, "I think it became more of a priority for him to get me onstage." Hathaway stirs her coffee. "I do hope that doesn't sound obnoxious."

Talk of other projects swirls around her, but she's coy about it. "I don't mean to be, but sometimes things don't work out in the end, and then people think it's because you hate someone, and I don't hate anyone!"

It has, however, been confirmed that she'll be playing Judy Garland on Broadway, and that seems about right.

"This is so embarrassing, but one of the waitresses just walked by with a glass of white wine and I almost reached out and grabbed it. It would be lovely to have a bit of release, but no. I have to go to rehearsal. I don't want to be the girl who shows up tipsy. But wouldn't it be fun? Wouldn't it be fun someday to be a grande dame who can get away with anything?"

We think she'll do just fine and we look forward to seeing her perform in the play. Now, who wants $50 to go out and wait in line for a ticket for us, because we don't have time for that crap.

The Three Sisters of Twelfth Night [New York Times]
Her Enchanted Evenings [New York]

Here is Michaels' personal statement that he posted on his Myspace blog:

I am trying to remain very positive and somewhat humorous about the whole situation. I apologize that I did not make a statement earlier as I have been feeling pretty beat up over the last few days. The fact is I was honored to be asked to perform at the event. The entire "Rock of Ages" production were awesome and even though I was completely out of my element I was really enjoying myself prior to my injury. In fact all involved at the awards show treated me good.

I had a great time at the Tonys right up until I got blindsided, I must admit it was a little blurry after that. In hindsight, there is no doubt I got my bell rung, unfortunately it has been posted and perhaps funny to watch, but I can assure you it has been painful to experience. In all honesty I had absolutely no idea what struck my head. Upon impact I thought a piece of the lighting rig had fallen out of the ceiling and as I fell back it seemed like my head struck the stage and I blacked out for a second. When I opened my eyes I noticed a large set prop coming down straight for me. I immediately pushed myself out of the way and amidst the chaos I laid on the floor and asked "what the hell just happened?"

My nose, mouth and the back of my head felt numb. I vaguely remember asking Big John, ‘do I have any teeth left in my mouth?' I knew I could move my arms and legs and that was an instant relief. Somebody handed me a towel to wipe the blood from my face and in my dazed state I recall staring at what seemed to be Shrek, a talking goat head and several monkey like creatures.

Over the last few days a lot of speculation as to what happened and who is to blame have surfaced. I need to make clear at no point since the incident occurred do I feel like the accident was malicious in any way and I feel this will all work itself out. However I must state I found it a little strange that the only statement released by the Tony organization was that I missed my mark and that I was completely fine. First, I thought, ‘what mark?' as there was no official mark, just a retracting drum riser and an overhead prop being rapidly lowered which was out of my view. Second, I think it was slightly irresponsible for them to report that I was fine without full knowledge of my condition, when a doctor hadn't even looked at me yet and I surely don't remember any X-Ray machines backstage. I am not looking for an apology, I only hoped that on a human level that the Tony organizations' representative would have expressed some concern for injury in their statement or at the very least claim they would be looking into the matter.

Whether it was a miscommunication, missed cue or missed mark no matter what the situation was the prop should have been stopped or at least slowed for a few more seconds until I cleared the stage. I apparently had less than two seconds to avoid being hit. It was evident I was backing up and moving in the direction to exit the stage for at least 30 to 40 feet and it is plain to see I had no clue this prop was descending. For God sake, they have at least a five second delay to prevent the airing of unapproved expletives and nudity!

For the record never at any point during my Sunday morning rehearsal was I ever instructed that the piece was coming down and that I had very little time to get off the stage, otherwise believe me I would have stopped or at least ducked so as not to be knocked out at the Tonys. Trust me I never wanted any of this to happen. I was simply doing as I was told which was to exit the stage as Poison's song "Nothin' but a Good Time" came to a close.

I feel for the actors and actresses who put in so much time and hard work on or off Broadway to get to the Tonys. This is their moment and I am sorry that some of it may have gotten overshadowed by my thick rocker cranium being struck by a stage prop. On a high note I hear it was the highest rated Tonys they have had in years. However, I was bummed that I did not get to see any of the acts perform during the Tonys as I have never seen a play on Broadway before, probably would have enjoyed it, and even more bummed that I did not get to attend the after parties, cuz rumor has it Anne Hathaway was going to be there and she is hot.

I would like to personally thank Bobby and C.C., Mark Hogue, Larry Morand and my crew along with Liza Minnelli, Mark Indelicato and Carole Propp for rushing to my dressing room to check on my condition. In closing I truly appreciate everyone's concern. I thank the Good Lord I have a thick skull and I have a feeling this may have been my first and final curtain call at the Tonys.

Sincerely,
Broadway Bret Michaels

We're not sure what's funniest about this—The fact that Bret, like a true rocker, is upset that he missed meeting the "hot" Anne Hathaway at an after-party, or that Liza Minnelli ran to his dressing room to look after him. Liza totally wants him.

My Official Statement [Bret Michaels' Myspace]
Pics via Bret Michaels Myspace

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

The executives at New Line Cinema can't wait to take more hard-earned cash from women who don't care about storyline and just want to see something about dating and love — again!

That's why there is a project in the works called Valentine's Day. It will hit theaters right before — wait for it — Valentine's Day, 2010. The plot? The plot is iffy. Something about "would-be romantics working their way through a tangle of circumstances in L.A." But that doesn't matter, because Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Shirley MacLaine will be in it. And Bradley Cooper. New Line will come up with a way to work a story around these people, since all that matters is that there's money to be made. Apparently, He's Just Not That Into You proved that women want to go see "romantic" movies — with other women or a date — right around Valentine's Day.

I have nothing against romance, comedies, or romcoms. I love stuff like When Harry Met Sally, Flirting, and Amelie — thoughtful films with strong writing and characters who are forces of nature. But He's Just Not That Into You — a movie based on a self-help book based on a catchphrase from a TV show — lacked substance and soul; the characters might have well have been cardboard cut-outs with labels like "The Optimist" or "The Seductress" taped to them. And for every bad review, there was a person who said, "I'm gonna see it anyway." Now the studio has 94 million reasons to pull that shit again.

As I wrote earlier this year, when you go see a movie like He's Just Not That Into You, you're casting a vote, telling Hollywood you want more flicks in the same vein. And this is what HJNTIY's box office bonanza hath wrought: Valentine's Day. As a former screenwriting major, it is painful to read that this project is being dictated by a calendar date — along with a cast and director (Garry Marshall) — and not by an actual story someone was inspired to write.

Who knows? Maybe there will be some surprises! Maybe they'll change the title to Single Awareness Day. Maybe some great writer (writers, plural, probably) will be hired by the studio to come up with a perfectly charming Valentine's Day tale. (I can already guess that one woman, who you think will stay single, will suddenly find a date; one woman, who you think will have a date, will suddenly be single; and one couple will remain together despite going through a dilemma that should tear them apart.) But for now, I'm already announcing that I'm just not that into it.

Hollywood Has Feb. 14 Circled in Red [NY Times]

Earlier: Liveblogging He's Just Not That Into You
Cliché-Laden Chick Flick Tries To Convince You It's Not Full Of Clichés
He's Just Not That Into You: Gay Minstrel Show?
More Reasons Not To Get Into He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You - First Review
There's No Way You'll Be Into He's Just Not That Into You

Either you love her or find her humor shallow and strangely dated, but Chelsea Handler is here to stay. For three more years, at least. She just signed a big deal with E!, extending her late-night talk show Chelsea Lately for another three seasons. The show has been a hit for the wan little cable net—the laff riot gets more women viewers, 18-34, than Last Call with Carson Daly, the new Jimmy Fallon show, or Craig Ferguson. Though most of those women are the annoying people who will talk loudly over shows like Project Runway, thinking their jokes are more entertaining than the actual show, so who wants to advertise to them anyway. [Variety]

Like an iceboat forcing its prow through dense North Pole ice, celebrated actress Cameron Diaz is breaking new ground as an artist. She'll be starring in a romantic comedy, her first ever, in which she play's something of a guy's gal. The movie is called Swingles and may not be for those who can't handle change. [Variety] Meanwhile the not-at-all-overhyped, not one bit, Anne Hathaway will be starring in both stage and film versions of the biography Get Happy, about celebrated insane boozebag Judy Garland. Long rumored to be doing a musical (Guys and Dolls, Promises, Promises), this looks to be Hathaway's first confirmed Broadway appearance. She's also doing Viola in the park this summer. [Variety]

Curiously likable former child star Amanda Bynes has landed an ABC comedy pilot (they do comedy so well!) called Canned, about a young woman who is unwittingly terribly mistreated by her boss. Geez, I can relate! [Variety] Curiously unlikable comedian Robert Wuhl somehow got past security at HBO, though he'd been banned from pitching shows to them since Arli$$ ended (those Funky Teacher things don't count). But somehow he did, because he's developing a father-son comedy about the owners of a Madison Square Garden-esque arena, providing a backstage look at all the sporting events and concerts and stuff that come through. He's also maybe developing those Funky Teacher things into a Broadway show. Inexplicable. [THR]

Here's fun: Catherine O'Hara, Tom Selleck, and Martin Mull are all starring in an action comedy together. Well, OK, the real leads are the unfortunate Ashton Kutcher and Katharine Heigl, but those three enjoyable old-timers will be popping up as well. Can't wait until June 2010! (Yes I can.) [THR] Also teaming up is a band of Injuns for the next Twilight movie, New Breaking Eclipse. They're all playing fearsome and brave werewolves who defend humans against a nasty group of vampyrs. Several different tribes are represented with the casting, and all the kids are making their movie debuts. Finally, we have repaid our debt to Native Americans in full. [THR]

TV vets Maura Tierney and Peter Krause will be starring in the pilot of the series-based-on-a-movie Parenthood. They'll be playing the Dianne Wiest and Steve Martin parts. No casting has been announced for the old lady who gives the lovely rollercoaster monologue towards the end, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a heavily made-up Rachel Dratch. [THR]

New York's Public Theater announced today that Hathaway would appear in this summer's Shakespeare in the Park production of Twelfth Night — its sixth mounting of the comedy, but no doubt the first featuring the Oscar-nominated ex of a faux-Vatican CFO. As a man. Sort of: Hathaway will play the female lead Viola, shipwrecked with her identical twin Sebastian in the mythical dukedom of Illyria. Mistaken identity, servitude and cross-dressing ensue, and Viola falls in love with the Duke. Whose role hasn't yet been cast, we hear, though let's be honest: If ever there were a time for Hathaway and Frank Langella to settle their filthy unfinished business, this would be it.

• Anne Hathaway Cast In Shakespeare in the Park 'Twelfth Night' [Broadway World]

Filthy mind

People cornered the Best Actress hopeful at today's Academy nominee luncheon, where she confessed she'll be attending the Oscars with her father — quite the downgrade from the Vatican's disgraced deputy CFO, but no doubt a safer choice than the mysterious, alleged heiress chaser known to trail her on vacation. Her mother and brother will attend as well if she can wrangle an extra pair of ducats (Marion Cotillard's seats may come available — we're just saying). It's a bittersweet scenario that can only end poorly for Frank Langella, that most recent of Hathaway suitors who stands to lose the most when she tipsily gestures over her bare shoulder at the Governor's Ball, leans in and whispers, "My date. *Burp* He promised he'd have me home by midnight."

• Anne Hathaway's Oscar Date – Her Dad [People]

After the FBI got the nude pictures in the Follieri split, the Web debated her taste (or distaste) for anal sex and even Jimmy Kimmel's fire extinguisher got her all hormonally atwitter, it probably shouldn't have surprised us when Hathaway made trouble for her fellow nominees at Newsweek's annual Oscar roundtable. Yet her oneupsmanship with Frank Langella still came as something of a shock, if only because she had hardly sat down before falling into filthy default mode:

LANGELLA: Would you like to hear my most favorite line I have said onstage, after 75 plays?

HATHAWAY: Yes.

LANGELLA: "Suck my dick." I said it to Christine Baranski every night for four months, and I couldn't wait to say it. It was such a great line to say. [...]

HATHAWAY: I was thinking of a moment that involved a dick. It was Julie Christie in Shampoo, when she's having that conversation with a guy, and she's like, I'll give you anything you want. And she's so deliciously drunk, and she goes, "And I want to suck his cock." It's the greatest line reading. And Warren Beatty does this fantastic spit take. Frank, I have a really lame question. Is there anything that you remember thinking, I wish I knew this when I started acting?

A subject change! So unfair, especially, when Langella was probably just about to casually reply with regrets he had waited so long to get into kid vaccination and housebuilding. He's suave like that.

• Inside The Actors’ Studio [Newsweek]

bringmemyTofu's new line beats the original, Actress Tries to Thank Actual Little People.

After discerning that Hathaway's 2009 resolution was to try something new every day, Jimmy Kimmel invited her to do just that by blowing out the candles on a birthday cake with a fire extinguisher. And why not. Hathaway seizes the opportunity to crack a number of double entendres and enough "that's what she said" jokes to make even Michael Scott shoot an anxious glance to the camera. This is going straight in your matchmaking file, Anne—be careful, or Ellen may set you up with James Woods. [Jimmy Kimmel Live!]