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It looks like this household doesn't need the Big Love DVD underneath the tree, they have polygamy down. One star may not be celebrating Jesus for much longer if she joins Scientology, and this reality star is a real Grinch.

1. "They will spend Christmas morning together with their child/ren, opening gifts and having a family breakfast of pancakes and hot cocoa. Sweet, right? Not really. Their Christmas present to each other is several uninterrupted hours in the guest quarters with their "other partner" on Christmas Day. So it will look like the family spent all day together – with a stream of friends coming and going during the day – while there's actually a carefully scheduled series of merry making in the guest house." [Blind Gossip]

2. "So this female Real reality star was out shopping on Sunday and standing in line with what my source said was an incredibly hot guy. Anyway, who she was with is not really the point of this, but just an added bonus. Anyway, the point is our reality star who has even had her own show was talking on her cell phone in a very, very loud voice. This was annoying to the other 20 people in line, but not as annoying as the way she was talking on the phone. It was described as the most superficial, high pitched squeaky phone call of all time and everyone in line was cringing. The guy with her was apparently used to it and his main job appeared to be carrying things for the reality star. Well, as the line progresses she is so absorbed in her own world and her own call that she fails to see an elderly man in front of her who has bent over to retrieve something. Not seeing anyone in front of her, our reality star pushes by the guy, knocking him to the floor and walks up to the register. Meanwhile the people behind her help the man back to his feet. Our reality star continued to chat very very loudly the entire time at the register and as she walked out the door." [CDaN]

3. "This very gorgeous and very voluptuous singer is thinking of switching religions. She thinks her music isn't getting enough hype and that by subtly declaring she is joining a spiritual group quite popular in Hollywood, she'll get some more press. Hey, it beats fake relationships and breakups! Not Beyonce." [BuzzFoto]

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title => Chris Albrecht Discovers How Long It Takes for Hollywood to Forget a Casino Girlfriend Beating

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Albrecht is the new CEO of premium cable channel Starz! Well, looks like we finally have an answer for how long it takes Hollywood to forgive you for beating up your girlfriend in public. It's about two-and-a-half years.

This is a good thing for Starz!, which is trying to turn itself into the new HBO with lots of highbrow original content, and Albrecht, who has flailed every since being ousted by Time Warner share holders almost three years ago.

Albrecht was asked to step down from his post as head of HBO in 2007 after reports surfaced that he beat his girlfriend in front of a casino. He started at HBO in 1985 and had a hand in bringing us The Sopranos, Sex and the City, The Wire, and every other show you love that was not TV, it was HBO. At the time, he said the incident stemmed from a relapse of his alcohlism. The girlfriend in question didn't press charges and later married him.

She forgave him, and so has the industry! After leaving HBO, Albrecht headed IMG Global Media and started Foresee Entertainment, a production company that sold a fashion-based drama to Starz! They must have liked it so much, they they brought Albrecht on board to run the whole show. We can't wait until he's up on stage accepting Emmys for the channel in 2014. We promise not to make any jokes about him choking the golden lady. OK, maybe not.

[Image via Getty]

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title => Which Actress Gave Her Secret Santa a Bag of Blow?

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Talk about having a white Christmas. Another actress expects to get engaged on the 25th, even though her man has a serious boyfriend, and a singer is spreading the holiday cheer and the dough. Ho, ho, ho!

1. "A bunch of stars were at a party over the weekend. They were all supposed to bring gifts for a sort of 'white elephant' exchange. One of the stars (a C list actress) took the 'white' part a little too literally. They brought three little packages of white powder, neatly wrapped in Christmas ribbon and tied with a candy cane. Because there were children at the party, most of the guests were offended and asked the actress to leave. Not Rachel Bilson." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This actress is expecting a very special gift of jewelry soon from her actor boyfriend. After all, they've been dating for a while, they've met each others' families, and they each get more press together than either one would get alone. So, it's reasonable to expect that an engagement ring would be forthcoming, right? Um, yes, but not to her. The engagement ring is going to his very special boyfriend, who has been forced to lurk in the shadows for several years now. Oh, our actress might get a ring too, but although the jewelry may be real, all involved are very clear that the hetero sentiment is totally fake. Yes, she knows all about the other guy, and she knows that she plays a distant second to him, but she also really loves how the fake relationship boosts her image and her income. We personally think that a three-stone ring would be most appropriate. Not to symbolize their past, present and future love for each other, but to symbolize all three of the people in the relationship." [Blind Gossip]

3. "So, this A list singer who is married to an A list movie actress was in a music store over the weekend and was looking at guitars and trying some of them out. Also in the store at the same time was a teenager who was looking at effects pedals. The specific one the kid was looking at cost about $500 which is pretty pricey for a pedal. Anyway our singer and the teen talked for awhile and then the singer ended up buying a guitar for himself. While he was at the counter paying he told the cashier to also charge the effects pedal to his credit card and to tell the teen Merry Christmas." [CDaN]

4. "Which knock out party girl, a mistress of a huge sports star, has her lips plumped at the SmoothMED clinic on East 59th Street?" [P6]

5. "Which lady who recently filed for divorce is trying to lure her husband to a Christmas reunion? Friends suspect she hopes to generate footage for a reality show." [P6]

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5. "Which lady who recently filed for divorce is trying to lure her husband to a Christmas reunion? Friends suspect she hopes to generate footage for a reality show." [P6]

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This leading lady likes publicity so much, she wants to put a ring on it. At least she's not so cheap she won't buy her own stuff, like this other star. Nothing comes for free, not even gossip.

1. "Which sometime emaciated Hollywood A-lister is demanding that her people step up her arrangement with her current actor beau so that they get engaged quite soon, to help with publicity for her next movie? While he went along with the contracted relationship quite happily his star is rising fast enough for him to have second thoughts about the next step."> [PopBitch]

2. "Which geeky actor from a popular TV show tried to pull a fast one on an established retailer? Several months ago, he set his sites on a particular item and asked the retailer if he could have it. They told him that although they would not simply gift it to him, they were willing to entertain a reasonable offer for it. He never made an offer. A few months later, he came back, wanting the same item again. This time, he fired off an angry email, claiming that the item was stolen from him. Perhaps he theorized that they would believe him and simply hand the item over to him? The company took his claim seriously and began an investigation of the provenance of the item. However, when they asked him for any kind of legitimate proof that it was his, he realized that he was caught in a lie and quickly backed off. Then, instead of blowing the dust off his wallet and buying it, he began whining very publicly about it. We don't know if he will get sued for making defamatory statements, but his false accusations against the retailer – and subsequent public whining and playing the victim to gain sympathy – just make him look like a big jerk." [Blind Gossip]

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title => When Tabloids Overshadow the Career: How Do We Memorialize Brittany Murphy?

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Her story was a Hollywood dream: the prodigiously talented teenager who worked her way from regional theater to big-screen blockbusters alongside Oscar nominees. But then her star power fizzled, her personal life disintegrated, and she met a grisly end.

So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

In the final years of her too-short life (which ended with cardiac arrest late Sunday) Murphy was all saucer eyes and nervous energy, a toothy grin on the arm of one shady movie industry boyfriend after another. After multiple called-off engagements, she settled on Simon Monjack, the screenwriter husband and accused con man now raising eyebrows for trying to block her autopsy. Celebrity publications charted her weight fluctuations, speculated about eating disorders and drug use, and documented red carpet disasters and plastic surgery slip-ups.

There was a time, though, when Brittany Murphy's headlines were all about her promise—and until the bitter end, she fought to get back into the lead actress fold that had once seemed a given. After conquering regional acting circuits, Murphy and her mother threw themselves at the feet of Burbank's pilot season free-for-all, and the little girl from Edison, New Jersey scored one role after another, from the short-lived Drexel's Class to Blossom to Melrose Place and her breakout role in Clueless, where Murphy proved herself a talented comedian. The nervous energy was charming; the saucer eyes sweetly endearing.

But it took four years for her to deliver a successful cinematic follow up with small roles in darkly comedic Drop Dead Gorgeous and critical darling Girl, Interrupted, where Murphy demonstrated dramatic range playing an eating disordered incest victim.

One part of that character became prophetic: Shortly after Girl, Interrupted Brittany underwent a transformation from roly-poly brunette to a whippet-thin leading lady with the requisite blonde hair, heart-throb boyfriend (Just Married co-star Ashton Kutcher), and rumors about drug use and eating disorders. She steamrolled through a series of moderately successful (if generally forgettable) comedies, including Uptown Girls, in which Roger Ebert pinpointed Murphy's "divine ineptitude" (in the manner of "Lucille Ball") as the otherwise light movie's strongest suit.

It was a fine career, but it didn't sit right, and Murphy again changed tracks with roles in 8 Mile and Sin City—and a Maxim-approved "troublemaker" makeover—but her agent suddenly dropped her at what should have been a career turning point. Murphy was described as "hot and cold" and "difficult." She became a voicing staple (with leading vocal roles in Fox's King of the Hill and penguin movie Happy Feet) even as she fought for screen time in acting roles she eventually lost due to "creative differences" and being "problematic on set."

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

But Brittany's most memorable postmortems will likely be of the tabloid variety: grisly details from the scene of her death, "sources" who come forward to say they saw it coming, speculation about "self-destruction," "enablers," and the price of fame. And so Brittany Murphy, it seems, will die as she lived: ambivalently, a public figure that no one ever quite figured out how to pin down.

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So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

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So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

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So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

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So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

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So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

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tagstr => Obituaries "Brittany Murphy" "Alyssa rosenberg" Clueless "Across the Hall" "Something wicked" "uptown girls" "Roger Ebert" "janis joplin" "Joal ryan" "Family Guy" "happy feet" "Sin City" "8 Mile" "Ashton Kutcher" "Girl interrupted" "drop dead gorgeous" "Drexel's class" Blossom "melrose place" "simon monjack" Defamer

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So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

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So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

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metaDescription => Her story was a Hollywood dream: the prodigiously talented teenager who worked her way from regional theater to big-screen blockbusters alongside Oscar nominees. But then her star power fizzled, her personal life disintegrated, and she met a grisly end.

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The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Since it is both the male and the female's priority to mate, it would appear that casual and transactional intercourse would run rampant among the tribe, but that is not necessarily the case. Aside from the pure pleasure of physical company, the guido takes equal amount of pleasure in complicating the path to consummation. That way when the the mutual desire is finally realized it is even more intense than just laying down with one another after a night of flirting and making out.

The search for a suitable partner is as much like a hunt as it is any other activity, and like hyenas, female lions, and rare Apollonian jellyfish, these young people hunt in packs. Teams of two are the norm, but this puts them at an unfair advantage. When one member of the team is closing in for the kill on a suitable piece of meat both the male flankmate and the female lady in waiting are forced together, even if they don't want to be. This seems like an inefficient strategy, because one member of the pair is always going to less than satisfied.

Why can't they go and find their acceptable mates solo? That would mean that hooking up is a personal and private matter. The point is not only to enjoy the physical pleasure of togetherness, but also to display ones prowess in front of his or her peers. Therefore a hookup doesn't count unless a member of the same sex is there to witness it and ensure that the selected prey is suitable. Without peer approval, there is no conjugation.

Luring a woman back to a man's den usually relies on their wit, charm, appearance, and dancing skill, but getting them into bed requires something a little more technological: the Jacuzzi. It is like a warm brew of seminal fluid—a rooftop aphrodisiac—that melts all the inhibitions of the female and gets them to behave in spectacular ways, often dictated solely by the male. The male guido is insulated from the heat and the jets of this water wizard by his layers of testosterone-induced muscle and is therefore impervious to its powers. To amplify this, he eats the magic formula of champagne and potato chips, a concoction that will slow his digestion to a point that he will be able to metabolize the strange pheromones of the hot tub efficiently. Women know that as soon as they get in the Jacuzzi that they will make out with just about anything, including each other, so they resist its pull, but once they get there, they are as easily molded as a jar full of orange Play-Doh.

Eventually, the mind-altering affects of the Jacuzzi wear off and the men have to put their genies back in their bottles waiting for the next time they can get a little rub. With all this frustration it's amazing couples are formed, and when they do, the complications are just as difficult and numerous. Let us take a closer look at both the hunt and the kill, but first, we need to learn some simple terms so that we can understand the natives in their own language.

Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
"Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

"We're Going Home": The problem with needing a "bro" to witness one's hook up is that he is also witness to humiliation. While it is perfectly acceptable to look for a condom and have sex with a girl in front of a friend and her friend, it is not OK to let the girls leave without giving up their delicate ladyflowers.

That is the problem with plying your dates with the magical powers of the Jacuzzi. Once the fumes wear off, the girls are a little muddled and make up stupid excuses to leave immediately, and when one goes, she will drag the other with her. Then both boys know that neither hooked up and are then deemed less virile by their cohorts. It is a sad, sad state of affairs, and one that The Situation and DJ Paulie Disgrace fall into with two girls who they take home.

Also, ladies, the period is a great excuse to keep your virtue intact after bathing in the psychotropic waters of the Jacuzzi. Like "puke breath" and most other bodily functions, the guidos are deathly afraid of menstrual blood. Using Aunt Flo as an excuse will not get them off you of your good, it will keep them from trying to put their pierced penis into your delicate parts.

While these girls go home to avoid being taken advantage of, Snooki gets so drunk that she can't even find her home. That means she has no excuse not to hook up with a man she is not attracted to. Since she can't get back to the house, they decide to sleep on the beach, which would be romantic if it weren't for all that sand and being awoken by a trash trailer combing the sand at dawn. Nothing says classy like getting so wasted you don't remember your address.

The Grenade: A "grenade" is an ugly girl who has partnered with an attractive girl for a group hunt. While one of the males gets with the attractive girl, the other has to fall on "the grenade" and absorb the impact so that his friend can claim a victory with his girl. As Pat Benatar said, love most certainly is a battlefield.

This is the situation that DJ Paulie Discharge finds himself in when The Situation fis in a situation with a girl and her nasty friend. These two ladies are certainly a handful. After leaving club Karma with them, The Sitch and DJPD ditch the pair for another set of girls in a Mercedes, because they were cuter. However, those girls were "wasting time" and "fucking around" and wouldn't get down to "business." When the first set of girls come back, The Situation and DJ Paulie Doubleface quickly ditch the girls they're with for the original pair.

Along with The Situation's brunette beauty comes her mean blond friend, and that is a problem. This sour puss is such a cruel sort that she ruins the night, not only for DJ Paulie Doubledate, but also for The Situation. Her friend is more than willing to get get down to "business," but she doesn't want to be left alone, and she is so ugly and busted that DJ Paulie is Dunzo. Once she feels neglected, she makes her friend leave with her. The Situation's situation looks bleak. Is he ever going to score? Maybe not until he separates from the group.

Beating up the Beat: As we learned before, dancing for the guido is not just a substitute for sex, but a prelude to it, even in its more violent form of "battling." It always gets ShamWOWW into trouble.

After her boyfriend hung up on her for touching DJ Paulie's D and ended their relationship, she has been trying to get back together with him. This has not stopped her from flirting or hooking up with anyone else, but she needs to feel claimed at all times. Without a boyfriend to betray, she won't feel the the guilt, shame, and excitement that comes with cheating on him, and that is what really gets her off. But in order to keep him, she must continue to deceive him (and herself) that her she has been faithful.

This is difficult when he sends a spy. This agent is a very clever interloper who not only observes his target, but even picks up Sneaky so he can break into the group's inner circle. Once with Snickers, he watches ShamWOWW grind and battle on different men and reports back to her boyfriend. This makes him hang up on her again, possibly ending their relationship again. She is going to try to get him back, but the drama that accompanies her relationship limbo is fuel to her. It allows her unfettered access to other men and will also create more drama when and if she reconnects with her boyfriend. It is the ideal situation for the conflict vampire.

Snooki is also an accomplished dancer, but instead of being subtle, she prefers a more advertorial approach. She does flips and spins in a very short skirt and a thong, showing of the very part of the anatomy that the men in the crowd are looking to invade. It is a brazen approach, but one with proven results. The difficulty is that it only seems to attract chubby men who know more about jiggle than "juice." However, Snooki seems willing to make out with just about anyone, so she doesn't mind too much.

Fireworks: While complications do arise, often a couple is made, like Sammi So-So and Ronnie. Like a hot sword is plunged into water to cure it and make it solid, so must a new union be drowned in conflict.

Sammi is a Helen of Troy type who needs to have men fight over her. That is why at Bamboo she flirts with Mike the Cop. If Ronnie really takes her seriously, he will fight for her and get upset with her. She counters his anger by being pissed that he left with ShamWOWW. Everyone knows what a slut ShamWOWW is and going anywhere with her unaccompanied could lead to relations at any moment. However, Ronnie resisted the temptation. Once she has proven that he will fight for her and he will not be tempted by obvious skanks, Sammi must go through a period of dejection to test how he will handle her in dark times. When he sticks by her and still thinks she is special ("Oh, Ronnie?!"), he has finished the seven labors of Hercules and can now muscle his way into her Mount Olympus.

This is treacherous path that a guido must walk to love. It is full of deceit, manipulation, and trial, but it is worth it, because once he reaches the promised land, his lady love is not afraid of having sex. Other reality show girls will hide behind the covers and demure from having intercourse, but Sammi So-So is not afraid to tell the whole world she did it. Not only is she unashamed, but she celebrates it. Congratulations, Ronnie, you are the first man to "take care of business" in the house.

The Punch: Yes, this was the episode that was supposed to include the Snooki punch heard round the world. The most shocking thing about this scene was not the absence of the punch, but the presence of Vinny, a young man with very manicured eyebrows who supposedly lives in the house with everyone else. Up until this point we thought he was Laslo, the mad scientist that reportedly lives in Val Kilmer's closet in Real Genius who we never see, but comes through in the clutch.

In this case the clutch is when Snooki gets punched by a drunk asshole at a bar over an altercation concerning some shots. We have all seen this punch in promos and on countless animated gifs circling the internet, but MTV chose not to air it, instead cutting to a black screen for the impact and then showing the immediate aftermath and the man getting arrested.

Watching this scene is sort of like tonguing an empty socket after a wisdom tooth has been removed. We know what was there before and what should be there, but instead we just get some vast emptiness that is a little bit dry and foreign and just seems altogether wrong. And for MTV to pull the clip now is kind of hypocritical. They're basically saying that it was wrong to market the show with the clip in the first place. Instead of showing the punch and trying to show just how horrible and vicious violence is and the immediate negative effects it has on both parties involved, we get darkness. Now that the network fooled everyone into watch, they decide not to show it. It's kind of like a girl who will show you her tits at the bar but won't put out when you take her home. Either go tawdry all the way or don't go tawdry at all.

In guido culture though, a man hitting a girl seems to be the ultimate offense, and every man in the bar piles on the offender to get their own punches in. Even ShamWOWW, who hasn't ever met a man she couldn't eviscerate, joins in the fray.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

excerpt => The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong. Since it is both the male and the female's priority to mate, it would appear that casual and transactional intercourse...

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The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
"Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

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The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
"Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

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So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

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Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

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The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
"Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

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The ultimate goal for all male and female guidos at the Jersey Shore is to hook up and "not fall in love." You would think this would be simple, but you would be very, very wrong.

Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
"Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.