If you thought the plot of Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 camp classic The Room was plausible, worth taking seriously, and merely in need of a more stable guiding hand to make sense, congratulations, you’re no longer the only person on earth who feels that way. Writing under the name “Devastated,” someone essentially transcribed the plot of The Room in a letter to Amy Dickinson, who writes the syndicated “Ask Amy” advice column. It ran as the lead question under the headline “Don’t turn dysfunctional relationship into marriage.” Below is the original letter with link annotations to relevant Room clips:
Dear Amy: I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful to me.
I recently overheard her talking to her friend about how she was unfaithful to me. When I confronted her, all that she said was that she couldn’t talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth.
To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her, but it’s not true. I did not hit her. I’m not sure why she has been acting like this lately. She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer, and that might be playing a role in her behavior.
We still always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she would go out seeking it from someone else. I just can’t believe she would do this to me. I love her so much, she is my everything, and I don’t know that I could go on without her. She is tearing me apart.
What should I do? — Devastated
Amy gave Johnny, I mean “Devastated,” a rather perfunctory response:
The first thing you should do is to NOT get married. Your fiancée’s behavior and your response are the very essence of dysfunction. If you are correct and she is stepping out on you, this is a huge problem. Your declaration that you feel like you “have to record everything … just to learn the truth” is chilling. Her counter-accusation that you hit her is potentially very dangerous for you.
Because of an escalation in behavior I sense in both of you — and the seemingly toxic connection between you two — it would be wisest for you to separate. Seek the support of close friends, family, and a professional counselor to help you deal with this loss and change.
This is better advice than, “Shoot yourself,” sure. Still, you’re tearing me apart, Amy!
By the way, this is not the first time someone has used The Room (and in fact, the exact copy from the “Ask Amy” letter) to troll an advice column. Someone did it in April to the Huffington Post’s Eva Papp. Her much longer response includes this paragraph:
While I’m honored to think through and feel through your situation with you, those with primary attachment difficulties most often need the help of a skilled therapist to make real headway healing this type of relational injury. I recommend you find one.
You think about everything, ha ha ha, Eva.
Advice columnists be warned: Someone is going around impersonating Johnny at your expense. Watch The Room, learn it, and live it so that you don’t fall victim to this scam. They’re crazy. I don’t think you will ever get it. They betrayed you, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked you, and I don’t care anymore.