In this era of chic, superstar babies like Blue Ivy Carter and North West, it's important to remember that sometimes celebrity children become one of America's most abundant natural resources: dumb, embarrassing, fartcloud teenagers. Let us examine the so-far cautionary tale of Michael Jackson's son: Michael Jackson, Jr. aka Prince.
Prince Jackson, heir with baby brother Blanket and sister Paris to the King of Pop's $1 billion fortune, is living large — making music with new pal Justin Bieber, sampling the Hollywood club scene, juggling multiple girlfriends and generally disregarding his guardians, a Jackson family source told The Post.
That Prince Jackson has found a companion in Justin Bieber is the least of his problems—in fact, it might be the coolest thing about him.
For instance, hanging out with Justin Bieber is much cooler than being the type of teen boy who has a bunch of reptiles in his bedroom.
I think I might have a small Jurassic park in my room pic.twitter.com/etCLPSUqnX
— Prince Jackson (@princemjjjaxon) December 17, 2014
Plenty of teen boys grow up hoping to pile all sorts of snakes and shit into their bedrooms, but very few have the combination of insane wealth—a reported $66,000 per month allowance—and lack of parental supervision that Prince Jackson enjoys. This is, obviously, for the best—snakes are weird and not actually that cool, and owning them as an adult male is a surefire way to make yourself intensely unfuckable.
So today was a good day I finished my anaconda's cage(Poseidon) and I didn't get but today but he did shed well pic.twitter.com/AOC02i9zIe
— Prince Jackson (@princemjjjaxon) May 8, 2014
No girls are going to be impressed by a cage of old anaconda skin. Who will teach Prince this lesson?
Prince also posts videos of him lifting extreme amount of weights with his legs.
Posting leg press videos online is inherently uncool for a number of reasons, one of which is because, as Gawker fitness expert Hamilton Nolan pointed out two years ago, leg presses are a fake exercise. The only people impressed by such videos are fellow macho gym rats, who are in the running for worst group of humans on Earth.
Prince Jackson's intense lameness is, of course, understandable: he grew up in a bizarre and highly unstable situation that is unrelatable to practically everyone in the world (Justin Bieber being a notable exception). Left to his own devices, he has developed habits and obsessions of an idealized macho teen male.
We could chalk this up to Prince Jackson simply navigating his embarrassing teen years poorly, but the future appears troubling.
— Floyd Mayweather (@FloydMayweather) October 7, 2014
This is a tweet from the boxer Floyd Mayweather, linking to a story in TMZ, in which he says that Prince Jackson is the newest member of his crew the Money Team. Prince Jackson now has a black truck perched up on enormous "I believe in the sovereignty of the confederacy" wheels, with the Money Team logo plastered all over it. Imagine parking that in your high school parking lot. Not cool.
Floyd Mayweather is a horrible person—not, like, Justin Bieber fights people at Dave & Busters horrible, but actually truly horrible. Someone must rescue Prince Jackson from Floyd Mayweather, and also himself.
On the other hand, Prince Jackson could definitely kick my ass, so let's pretend I never wrote this post.
[image via Getty]