Since its release last week, One Direction’s new album Made in the A.M. has echoed loudly over the hot, muddy shit pits of hell. “I’ve got fire for a heart, I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy.” On the beat, the devil cackles and takes a coal from the fire, tossing it onto Harry Styles’s boyish torso. Simon Cowell knew this was coming.
Earlier this year, Zayn left One Direction to pursue a career in, I assume, graffiti t-shirt clothing line. His departure plunged the rest of the boys into hell’s molten core where they remain seated at the devil’s left hand, left to entertain him in myriad humiliating and painful ways. We know his. However, did you know Simon Cowell, One Direction’s manager, knew Zayn was going to leave before the rest of us did? It’s true.
“He was unhappy. My concern was actually for the boys. Zayn wasn’t in a great place but it was his decision to leave, he wasn’t kic—
Blah, blah. Uh, yeah, Simon Cowell—WE KNOW IT WAS ZAYN’S DECISION TO LEAVE.