Robert Pattinson, 28-year-old strong-jawed actor with a soft-jawed heart, has a new film out this week where the British permanent 5 o'clock shadow unleashes his real acting chops. The Rover has Pattinson roaming the Australian outback in a post-apocalyptic world, subtly muttering, "Has anyone seen my allergy pills?"
The Telegraph interviewed Robert Pattinson in what is the maybe the most beautiful profile of the portrait of the artist of the Twilight star as a young man ever written. Pattinson can barely contain his bubbling neuroses, playing into his role as the world's strongest argument for legalizing marijuana.
R-Patz, as he's known among his female following, or Xanax, as he's known to me right now, is his own best and worst enemy and he's eminently likable for it. For your pleasure, the best quotes from Robert Pattinson's Telegraph profile, in order of appearance:
"I would love to go into therapy but it makes me too anxious."
Right out the gate, Pattinson acknowledges that something might be wrong here.
"I've been talking to a lot of people about it and I don't know. I kind of like my anxiety in a funny sort of way and I like my peaks and troughs. Luckily depression never lasts long with me."
But never fear! He's not crazy-crazy. In fact, he kind of likes it. But it also doesn't last long, which is good because that deep ditch is dirty and full of worms.
"I think as you get older you get a bit more confident with every movie you do, so it's been a gradual graduation to this."
Robert Pattinson has starred in over 25 films or TV shows, according to IMDB. This means that his confidence should be nearing somewhere around January Jones. Instead, he is a squirrel with a heart murmur and a smoking habit.
On his Twilight fans watching him stumble around broken-toothed and mealy-mouthed in The Rover:
"Hopefully they'll enjoy it. I try to do ambitious projects but I don't know if people are going to like them. You just try and do things which are challenging and hopefully people will appreciate that."
Hope runs strong in Pattinson, a rare quality for the anxious.
"I've never been part of the group that gets these roles."
On Pattinson's arduous audition process for The Rover:
"For the first 45 minutes I had to deal with my own neuroses before I'd do any kind of acting and I think David recognised this and when I let myself calm down I was fine."
What do forty-five minutes of "dealing with one's neuroses" even look like? Yoga? Deep breathing? Persistent knee-tapping and rocking back and forth while muttering, I'm good at my job, I'm good at my job, my hair is nice, I'm good at my job?
Pattinson also remarks that England, his birth home, depresses him.
"I always go back to England at Christmas time and get so depressed that I'm glad to get back to Los Angeles."
The secret: all that Vitamin D he's been getting in Los Angeles.
This is where things start to get really, really good. After discussing real estate and international living with Hiscock, Pattinson reveals the most endearing part of his mythology as an actor and public figure: his bizarre inability to keep track of his own clothing. That could happen to anyone.
"I've started wearing the same thing pretty much every day like a uniform," he says. "I haven't taken this jacket off for weeks," indicating the black, slightly moth-eaten jacket he is wearing that nevertheless looks good on him.
Is Robert Pattinson just the sexier Doug Funny? Why is megastar and very rich and famous person Robert Pattinson wearing a "slightly moth-eaten jacket"?
Nothing—and I mean nothing—ceases to make Pattinson nervous.
"I'm extremely lucky which always makes me a little nervous," he says.
Luck makes him nervous. Fame makes him nervous. Movies make him nervous. Clothes make him nervous. Feet make him nervous. Have you seen the way that cab driver just looked at him? That makes him nervous. What is celiac's disease? Who cares, it makes him nervous. I didn't read any of Roberto Bolaño's masterpiece final work, 2666, and now I am nervous.
But nerves aren't everything. No, in fact, Pattinson is happy—definitely pretty happy.
"Yeah, definitely pretty happy."