In the gossip item he was born (or at least named) to write, Page Six’s Richard Johnson reports that Michael Douglas has a big dick. Roll the footage:

Michael Douglas didn’t hesitate when George Wayne — known for his impertinent interviews in Vanity Fair — asked about his key to superstardom.

At the party after Monday night’s screening of Ant-Man, in which Douglas plays a scientist who is able to shrink atoms, Wayne said, “Your father had his cleft chin. Omar Sharif had the gap in his teeth . . .”

“I have a big dick,” Douglas said with a smile before moving into the crowd at the Knickerbocker Hotel rooftop, which included Malin Akerman, Alysia Reiner and Pat Cleveland.

Except, ha, there is no real footage to speak of. Douglas has never showed his would-be legendary hose on film. He certainly speaks with the confidence of someone with a big dick, but there isn’t even surreptitious proof of it online, which seems odd for such an oft-photographed man. Image searches for “Michael Douglas nude” and “Michael Douglas crotch” produce few visible penis lines. It’s almost like there’s no dick there at all! The best I could find was this picture of a TV screen from when he appeared on some talk show apparently not wearing underwear:

That looks maybe normal, maybe like some dirt in a Ziploc bag.

So far, so unimpressed.

Maybe he’s a grower, or a liar. Either way, I want to get to the bottom of this. Michael Douglas, if you are reading this, please produce a picture of your erect penis or I will have no choice but to boil your bunny. Thank you and your penis in advance.

[Top image via Getty and Flickr]