Mariah Carey Is Probably The Dummy Soul Cycle Made DeafS

SoulCycle may have eclipsed Scientology as Hollywood's favorite cult over the last year—but Scientology never made a beloved pop diva deaf. SoulCycle, according to a blind gossip report, did. Bring back the purification sessions!

In a blind item to end all blind items posted on The Wrap this morning, an anonymous limo driver (cleverly using the pseudonym Stretch, even though everyone knows we live in an Uber world now) tells a story of an unnamed famous singer struggling to drop 20 pounds while launching a comeback album and tour. His suggestion to said diva? SoulCycle. What did that diva say back? "I don't know how to ride a bike." After working out the logistics of spin class (No, unnamed pop star, you don't go anywhere, you just pedal. No, pedal. No, like, with your feet. On your legs. Let's start over.), our diva hit SoulCycle every night as "the music boomed and the lights flashed and she pedaled like the superstar we all know."

She quickly dropped those 20 pounds, but it came at a price: her hearing.

“I bet you could win the Tour de France,” I said.

“What?” she said.

“It’s a famous bike race around the outside of some country in Europe,” I said.

“No, I mean, I can’t hear what you’re saying,” she said. “Talk louder.” [...]

She started to panic.

“I’m deaf! I can’t hear a sound! I’m deaf!” she shouted.

Stretch goes on to say that the last few weeks have been a blur of psychiatrist and doctors visits, paired with insurance claims, lawsuits and TV cameras. People want to accuse this diva of drug use, but Stretch knows the truth: SoulCycle—and its blaring, unnaturally upbeat music—is what did this.

Now! No one's come out and said that unnamed pop diva is Mariah Carey. But: A Carey comeback has been widely discussed over the last few months. She left American Idol in May to work on a world tour. Her voice has been shaky in recent appearances. And which diva is so fabulous she doesn't even know how to ride a bike? Not Beyoncé.

UPDATE: Mariah Carey is indeed unable to ride a bike.

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[Image via Getty]