Since late October, @avary has been tweeting regularly about prison life, referring to himself as #34 and regaling his followers with tales that will probably turn into a mindfuck prison thriller screenplay someday, because some people are so irrepressibly hip that even imprisonment for a tragic crime turns all cool and A Clockwork Orange-y in their hands.

The Los Angeles Times' Mark McMilian wrote about the wayward Pulp Fiction and Beowulf scribe's stream-of-consciousness Twitter early last week.

But then: Plot twist! McMilian's blog post led authorities to realize that Roger Avary wasn't in prison at all. Rather, he had somehow ended up on a work furlough program, which allowed him to hold a day job and merely bunk up at night with fellow furloughees. This is both not the hardscrabble prison life everyone thought @avary was describing, nor the prison sentence Roger Avary was supposed to be serving. So guy got nabbed and they sent him to real prison, prompting @avary to tweet:

LAT is preoccupied with how Avary ended up in furlough instead of jail, but what I want to know is, (1) Was @avary faking his prison badassery, since he was never in prison in the first place? (2) If so, was it a ploy to make us think he is irrepressibly hip and A Clockwork Orange-y? Because that would be pretty lame. (3) Alternately: Is the jailhouse equivalent of a work-study program actually as disgusting and terrifying as I always imagined real prison to be? Meaning @avary wasn't trying to deceive, it's just that we soft-bottomed media folks foolishly assumed that his scary tweets were from the belly of the beast, when in fact they represent a relatively pleasant penal existence, and when @avary gets to real prison it's going to get really crazy.

[LAT] [LAT] [LAT]

Although at first glance it seems to be divided down national lines with the American critics coming out with the pitchforks and battle axes while critics in the UK, where the film debuted last night, seem to mostly like it.

In the US the trade critics are first out of the gate with their notices, and they are not one bit pleased with what Mr Jackson has been up to all these years, tinkering away with the little tale of a slain girl looking down from heaven and remembering her rape and murder.

Variety's Todd McCarthy writes, "Unfortunately, the massive success Jackson has enjoyed in the intervening years with his CGI-heavy "The Lord of the Rings" saga (the source of which receives fleeting homage in a bookstore scene here) and "King Kong" has infected the way he approaches this far more intimate tale...the director has indulged his whims to create constantly shifting backdrops depicting an afterlife evocative of The Sound of Music or The Wizard of Oz one moment, The Little Prince or Teletubbies the next."

And at the Hollywood Reporter, Kurt Honeycutt bemoans that Jackson has turned Alice Sebold's magical otherworldly tale into a simple Law and Order-like thriller, while conceding it works okay on that level.

Over in the UK however, The Times' critic calls the film a return to Jackson's pre-blockbuster form that she showed in cult classic Heavenly Creatures. While Total Film gives Bones four stars, calling it, "A sister film to Heavenly Creatures, brimming with not just tears but imagination, thrills and verve. It's heart-on-sleeve, sure, but it also has a whiff of awards potential."

But while the Bones lingered, America's awards pundits had, sight unseen, all but written off the film's Oscar chances, locking in Precious, The Hurt Locker and Up In the Air as the race's lone heavyweights. On The Envelope's pundits poll (in which Defamer casts a vote) Lovely Bones came in a distant ninth place for best picture favorites. On Movie City News' Gurus of Gold poll, Bones takes the number eight slot.

The pundits have been pining for a shake-up in a race that seemed depressingly settled half a year before the Oscar show. Could Bones be coming in with enough support from some people at least that it will stampede the race? The question will soon be the subject of many a column, blog item and tip sheet in awards land.

Via Awardsdaily.

Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Among the latest twigs on the bonfire:

• This piece describing how director James Cameron employed a USC linguistics professor "to create an entire functioning language for the tribe of 10-foot-tall blue aliens who inhabit Pandora, the setting for the film's conflict." Which is all well and good that the Na'vi tribe got a functioning language, but raises the question why couldn't Cameron have commissioned a functioning language for the film's humans? Wasn't there any linguistics professor available who could put the kibosh on lines such as "We're not in Kansas anymore. We're on Pandora," whose moldy, phoned-in essences threaten to murder the mother tongue from which their ancestors descended?
• 
  
• Then there is this interactive trailer, built around a full Avatar for-download desktop suite which includes direct links to the film's Twitter and Flickr feeds, links to buy tickets and a version of the mind-bendingly boring official trailer which one can stop to watch profiles of the characters, featuring the actors talking about their on-screen roles. If after watching the trailer any interest you had in the film hasn't been drained from your lifeforce, these clips will take care of that; the actors' dead-serious earnest quotes about the world of Avatar tell us perhaps all we need to know about how the Cameron sledgehammer touch will play itself out in this movie.

  Watched closely in fact, the words of Sam Worthington explaining in a bleary, Aussie drawl what happens when his character gets to inhabit a fake alien body: "Even though I'm nine foot tall and blue, it's got my personality. It's got my soul," could clearly be taken as a warning cry to unwitting audiences. Likewise, it would take a very cold, hard soul not to feel for the pain of Sigourney Weaver as she recites like a war prisoner reading from cue cards, the scientific basic of the future Army's avatar program.

• 
  
• And finally Defamer received this communique from a real live entertainment worker who has seen a "fairly large glimpse" of the film. Our tipster, who wishes to remain anonymous, files this report:
  

  I watch a lot of movies, and am especially obsessed with watching horrible films with inflated budgets.  I was delighted to find that Avatar didn't disappoint in the absolutely horrible fetishizing of azure humanoids that James Cameron has obviously been drawing on the back covers of his notebooks since middle school and secretly getting off to in the gym locker room. The new technology they've been using to eliminate the headaches and sickness conducive to old 3D tech has not been used properly in the action scenes throughout Avatar.  The problem is with cutting in between 3D focal points and perspective - the mind cannot adjust to it without a buffer - thus, Avatar is literally vomit inducing. 

  But the movie itself, the story/acting/tone are alienating and weird.  Of course there are very beautiful moments, with great editing/sound/art direction, but overall it's a horrible piece of shit.  The entirety of the Hollywood marketing machine is behind it, however, so it's going to make a boatload (eh I could slip a Titanic ref. whatever) of money.

• 
  

The final point our tipster makes is perhaps the most pertinent; even if Avatar is the most dreadful thing Hollywood has released since Saw 6, its grosses will be effected not at all. Cameron will surely provide enough razzle-dazzle to wow the crowds into their seats. And as Titantic showed, interminable hours of ludicrous ham-fisted dramatics followed by a bunch of people getting killed is not a bad formula for box office glory.

Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

Intern Intensity
by Betsey Morgenstern
ED2010.com Reporter

Internships can be your foot in the door to a career in the ever expanding empire of print publications, but they can also be hard, crazy, and full of drama. Just ask Bryn Leavemeoutofthis and Susie Stockingstuffer, who are currently interning at Elle magazine and People's Revolution PR, respectively. I talked to the two of them about their work, their coworkers, and what they hope to get out of this experience.

Hey Bryn, tell us about your job at Elle?
I'm the accessories intern, so I help on all the shoots for the bags, shoes, bangles, and things like that. I also go to all the stores and pick up the things that the editors pulled for the big photo shoots and then I have to keep track of everything and where it goes and make sure it doesn't get damaged and then take it all back. Sometimes I have to make coffee, but I never have to get lunch because no one at Elle eats!

Who is your supervisor?
Officially I report to PR chief Erin Kaplan, even though she's not an editor, but I let everyone order me around.

Tell us about a recent assignment you had?
Just last week, I had to accompany accessories editor Olivia Palermo when she went to this super hot boutique in SoHo that you've probably never heard of. It's called Mango, and it's just the awesomest store ever. Well, we had to pull four looks for an upcoming Today show segment that Erin was getting together but Joe Zee [the magazine's creative director] would be giving on air. It was something about looks that a girl would like and a boy would like. I didn't understand exactly what, but Erin said, "Babysit Olivia," so I thought I just had to make sure she didn't hurt herself or do anything too stupid.

Anyway, we go to Mango and she starts taking stuff off the racks. She moves really slowly, like she is always thinking about what party she is going to go to later that night or fantasizing about her really hot boyfriend. When we have a bunch of things together, she has decided that's all we're pulling from the store. Last time I had to "babysit Olivia" she didn't pull enough clothes and Erin got all mad and yelled at us. All I want as an intern is not to get yelled at, so it was pretty bad for me. Then Erin sent me to pull a few more outfits and took all the credit and said she did it herself. That's fine with me. I said, "Thank you" and brought her coffee just the way she likes it—black with a little bit of baby's blood.

So, I told Olivia, "Maybe we should get some more stuff." And she was like, "Naw, this is good. I have to go home and listen to Tribe Called Quest and smoke a few bowls before I go to the American Association to Beat Spina Bifida benefit tonight at the Armory, so I'm gonna peace out." So I asked her, "Erin is going to be pissed." She didn't respond, she just yawned and walked out the door.

What happened? Was Erin pissed?
Later that week we had a model fitting. One of the models was this huge fat girl. She was a size 16! What does she eat for lunch? Fried lard? I had on this really cute off-one-shoulder short dress that my friend Serena van der Woodsen lent me when she was done with it. She said the skirt was too long. I almost ruined my dress because Olivia pulled a size 14 for her and we had to pull the dress over her giant fat body. It was like putting a baseball through a garden hose.

Erin showed up and said it was too tight. Olivia was like, "My eyes are really bloodshot and squinty right now, so it looks fine to me." Erin asked to see the rest of the looks and then she told her there weren't anymore because all the stores in Manhattan were having a really bad clothes shortage. I was so angry. I told Olivia we needed more options. Now I'm going to have to go back to Mango—which is my favorite store, but still—and get more outfits. Olivia and Erin start getting into this fight, and I'm just taking notes in my book trying to stay out of the whole mess.

You don't like when there's drama at work?
Not really. Mostly I just want to try on all the different belts and look at shoes and purses. I must be working in the wrong office, because they are always going at each other.

So what happened with Olivia and Erin?
They're getting into it, but Olivia wasn't getting as worked up as Erin and then she says, "Would you talk to Joe like that?" and Erin was flabbergasted, like Olivia just compared herself to a bald Asian guy. She has way too much hair to be Joe Zee! Then Erin asked me to leave the room.

What did you do?
Duh, I left the room.

Did you listen in at the door? That's what I would have done.
Yeah, I did for a second, but all I could hear was the sound of slapping and I knew that Erin finally got physical with Olivia. I was almost to the end of the hall and the door burst open and Erin came out and shouted, "Take it all back!" and then slammed the door. I was so scared I ran back to my desk.

Did Erin see you or something?
Yes and she was said, "Yoo-hoo. Bryn. Come here for a second," being all like fake sweet. I pretended not to hear her and scurried back to my desk looking at my notes like I didn't know what was going on. She followed me all the way there.

What did she say? Did she attack you?
No. I think she got all her aggression out on Olivia. She told me that she wasn't disappointed in me, because I'm always nice and helpful and I kill the babies the right way so that her coffee is always good. She said it was Olivia that didn't deserve to be there. Basically, she hopes that Olivia fucks up the Today show segment so bad that Joe Zee fires her. Then she told me to go to Mango and get more clothes, but to make it look like she was the one doing it. I said fine and left.

Did you tell her to fire Olivia and hire you instead? That's what I would have done.
No, but that's a good thought.

Will you give Erin my resume?
Sure!

Now we're going to talk to Suzie Stockingstuffer. Hi Suzie, tell us about your internship.
I've spent this whole semester at People's Revolution PR, which does fashion PR. It's located in SoHo and run by Kelly Kutrone, who is this like super famous PR lady. She even got Eliot Spitzer's hooker girlfriend into a fashion show. Can you believe that? Anyway, she doesn't call us interns, she calls us punching bags.

Is that what it feels like? Do you have bruises?
Only small ones, but that's because Roxy Carmichael Olin showed up. Now she mostly beats up on her. Kelly continues to let her work there, even though her complete hatred for Roxy is as obvious as her bad skin.

Tell us a little bit about Kelly. She sure has a way with words!
Yes, she does. I haven't been on the receiving end of one of her colorfully worded rants in a while. When you're not the one getting yelled at, she sure is a lot of fun to listen to.

Who does she usually yell at?
Lately just Roxy. We had a model casting recently for Whitney Port's look book for her clothing line and it was a disaster. Roxy got all these models and they didn't fit the look Kelly wanted and she screamed, "This is supposed to be a fairy tea part, not a goth nightmare!" She sent all the models home but three and told Roxy go to back to Model Depot and pick up some fresh ones. She was happy with the next selections.

You know, Whitney used to date my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer?
Oh, you're the ex he got back together with? You're much nicer than Roxy and Whitney made you out to be.

What did they say about me?
Not much really. Um...

No, seriously, tell me!
Can we get back to the interview.

Sure, but only if you tell me a mean story about Whitney.
Well, there's not that much mean to say about her other than that she's really passive aggressive. We had the shoot for her look book with this guy Patrik Andersson. He's this like super famous fashion photographer but he said he'd do the shoot for free if they would put him on television. They agreed.

We're up on this super cool rooftop set with all these fairy lights and these three pretty girl models who are in Whitney's clothes and it's all looking super great. Roxy thinks it's boring though, because they weren't being all active and snorting coke and dancing on banquettes. She wants to start a food fight. Kelly pulls her aside and says, "You stupid cunt, you're going to get food on the clothes. This is Whitney's shoot. Shut the fuck up and don't do anything. I would fire you if MTV would let me."

Roxy backs off for a while but then right when everything is about to wrap Roxy is like, "Come on, let her pop a bottle of champagne and then all the other girls will laugh like it's the funniest shit they ever saw in their lives." Whitney agrees, because she'll pretty much do anything you tell her to. They set up the shot, but the model can't figure out how to pop the champagne, so when she tries to, she just drops the bottle and it breaks and gets booze all over the dress.

Whitney is pissed, and you can tell because she scrunches her face up like a used Kleenex in a boy's dorm bathroom, and she keeps telling Roxy she's not mad. Then they get in a food fight and laugh and laugh, and I ran because the last time I got Devil's Food Cake in my hair, it took like two weeks to get out.

Was Kelly pissed at Roxy?
She's always pissed at Roxy, but she seemed more pissed than usual.

Is she going to fire her?
I think she left that decision up to Whitney for the "season finale," whatever that means.

Well, if she does, will you give her my resume?

1. "We've been saving this one for Thanksgiving time and you should know this story happened last year at a certain Celebrity's Thanksgiving table. It's no secret to the guests that came, but we still thought it was pretty interesting/strange and wanted to share it. Last year, this actress who has bragged about her cooking skills in the past, made a great Thanksgiving dinner for her friends and family. The dinner had a theme: Each guest was asked to bring a side dish laced with their favorite recreational drug of choice. The dinner was a hit, and full of crazy antics afterwards. Not Eva Longoria." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This celebrity couple is spinning some tall tales this Thanksgiving. They have each told their respective families that they can't attend Thanksgiving with them because their spouse has a film commitment out of town and they need to accompany them. Not true. Neither of them are working that day. They are actually just turning off their phones and staying home. Just them and the kid/s… and one spouse's Significant Other. How are they going to keep the kid/s quiet about how they really spent the holiday? Well, these two are such experienced liars, we'll bet their genes have already been passed down to the next generation." [Blind Gossip]

3. "Which up and coming Twilight actress lied about her background and said she lost her birth certificate so she would qualify for her part? She has told everyone she is adopted and Native/First Nations, but in reality has biological parents who raised her and is most definitely not Native/First Nations." [CDaN]

Today, with Avatar and Carrie Underwood's Christmas Special still unseen, the first lists are in. Time Out New York gets ahead of the pack with a Top 50 Movies of the Decade list and the Hollywood Reporter is calling it a wrap on the ten best TV series of the past ten years.

What early conclusions can we draw about our decade based on the first two lists? Well, we may not have liked to see entertainment about the Iraq War, but it would seem our entertainment was a lot like the Iraq War: long, drawn out and very dark. And for the listers of Time Out, not filled with two many words.

On both the film and TV lists, big, heavy, bleak slow-moving dramas dominate: There Will Be Blood, Dogville, The New World, Zodiac, The Sopranos, The Shield, 24, Damages. A lot of fine works in that list but the citizens of tomorrow will certainly look back on the artists of the 00's and say, boy, that must've been a fun crowd to hang around with.

On the other end of the pendulum however, when the decade tried to lighten up the results were almost more depressing. The lists are heavy on the affected zaniness that passed for free-spirited in the past decade; movies and shows which were distinguished by their uses of trippy twists and free-floating design and characterization. Mulholland Drive, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I'm Not There, I Heart Huckabees, Inglorious Bastards, Modern Family. Again, some fine works in that list but the collective sense our outer space visitors will take away when they find them is, these people really were trying to hard to be "special" weren't they?

But this is just where the list-making begins and its hard to judge a decade by its first two Best Of Lists. The next five weeks may reveal untold wonders from the depths of our past ten years.

In today's LA Times, Patrick Goldstein reports on the redemptive journey to freedom of director John Lee Hancock; imprisoned for the crime of directing The Alamo, Hancock was apparently granted some kind of work release furlough and allowed to make The Blind Side; that film's surprising box office success this weekend has apparently restored him to full movie director citizenship.

Was a time when the rules for director jail were simple: when there was a big bomb, someone had to pay and the person attached to the film who had been the biggest pain in the neck to studio bosses was it. After two simultaneous disasters, Orson Welles, for example, found his big-time career as a director effectively brought to an end and had to struggle for the rest of his days, working when he was allowed, under probation and heavy official supervision.

But today, as with so much in our society, the rules are much murkier. For the citizens of Hollywood, director jail still exists as a looming deterrent against bomb-making, but what gets you there can be very unclear; some directors these days are allowed to make bombs forever, while others seem to be imprisoned after making a hit. Is anyone safe? Has the world gone mad and is it just by Fortuna's whims that any one of us has not found ourselves dragged off and locked away in the dankest, bug-infested cell in movie dungeon?

Well, the rules are more complex, more flexible, with many loopholes but they still do exist. Here's our guide to what it takes to get in to and stay out of Director Jail:

The Law: The general principle remains the same since time immemorial; every director has a bank of capital built up by their hits. Each successful film earns a credit. Every movie-losing film costs you one credit. A bigger hit may earn more credits however, as a bigger flop costs more. When your account gets to zero credits, you are sent to director jail.

The case of the aforementioned Mr. Hancock remains one of the most straightforward, classical cases of movie justice. He began his film career with The Rookie, a modest success made on a modest budget, which earned him two credits. But he then went on to make The Alamo, a huge flop on a huge budget, which cost both his credits, earning him his jail sentence. Likewise Michael Bay had ample credits in his account to weather the debacle of The Island.

The Grosses Speak Law: Whether the film is good or not, whether the director could have been replaced by a monkey, matters not at all if the film is successful. Bret Ratner the titular visionary behind the abomination of the Rush Hour trilogy, which combined grossed the better part of a billion dollars worldwide, has earned himself enough credits to stay out of director jail forever and ever.

The Beholder Codicil: However, the twist of the modern world is that perception matters far more than the actual facts. Even if Bret Ratner's career were nothing but a string of bombs, in a business where, as William Goldman said "nobody knows anything" you can in fact fool all the people all the time. Unshakable belief in yourself and the ability to play the part of great auteur on a grand scale can, if needed, be everything and can keep one out of director jail for a very long time.

The Laughingstock Law: A couple decades back, Renny Harlin was the Bret Ratner of his day. A high-profile, on-the-town action auteur, with a starlet wife and who, with Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger under his belt, could do no wrong. Until he did something very wrong; he made a movie that was not just a flop, it was so bad it made everyone involved with it look like abject maroons. The director jail authorities saided out to Cutthroat Island and carried Renny Harlin off for an extended vacation.

The Franchise Killer Act: No substance sustains life in Hollywood more than a successful film franchise — a series which can keep the spigots of cash flowing forever. And for the director who would kill a golden goose, no punishment is too great. Having made Speed and Twister in the 90's, Jan De Bont could have coasted for decades. But then he followed up Speed with the franchise killing Speed 2 - a sin which he just might have been gotten away with as it was his franchise to kill after all - but then he went on to bring down the might Lara Croft with The Cradle of Life, the third installment of her series. De Bont has not been heard from since.

The Coolness Exemption: In many instances, coolness creds can override profits and can keep a director out of director jail. There is a long line of entertainment poohbahs for whom being cool is almost as important as being successful, dying to work with anyone who can confer secondary cool. Donnie Darko, for instance, may have barely grossed a million on a $6 million budget, but its status as cult icon and ultimate cool film has created a long list of poohbahs wanting to work with director Richard Kelly. Even after the massive flop of his star-studded follow-up Southland Tales, Kelly continued to walk the streets. However, having now made an uncool flop with The Box, he may soon find there is a cell being readied with his name on it.

The Big Cool Friend Exemption: Director jail can also be avoided, or postponed, if a director can produce big movie star friends. Kevin Smith, for instance, whose bombs should have sent him to the movie guillotine long ago, remains at liberty thanks to his ability to get a long line of big name actors from Ben Affleck to Seth Rogen to vouch for him by appearing in his movies.

The Oscar Exemption: So long as smell of trophies cling to an auteur, they can buy their freedom indefinitely. Paul Thomas Anderson's films may always been more favored by critics than popcorn eaters, but so long as his genius-of-the-cinema creds remain off the map, so will never see the inside of a cell in director jail.

Now defunct: there used to be a disgrace to the entertainment industry law which carried with it a 20-year sentence, but since the term "disgrace to the entertainment industry has become an oxymoron, the law has been unenforced for years.

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

1. "We're not even sure why the magazines keep pushing it, but this couple who are said to be romantically involved, are actually nothing but. Sure, they're having fun playing with the press, but it's mostly because they are told it would be a good marketing strategy for their career. Everyone around them knows however, that they are just good friends, not lovers. One in all the media buzz is actually rumored to swing the other way. Not Chace Crawford." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This is the fourth time this actress has had her breasts done. The first time was supposed to be a simple enlargement. After kids she had them done a second time. While many women have breasts that don't match perfectly, hers were so lopsided that she had to wear an insert to even them out. The third time, the breasts were evenly sized, but looked rather cross-eyed if they weren't taped into position. Now they're perfect. But don't expect her to disclose any of this any time soon. She's had plenty of other plastic surgeries, and still denies, denies, denies she's ever had any work done." [Blind Gossip]

There is little more dangerous than a director pursuing his dream project. One thinks of such classic catastrophes as Coppola's One From the Heart, Scorsese's New York, New York or Spielberg's 1941. A director with too much freedom and a dream can lead to Citizen Kane or it can lead to The Phantom Menace. And thus far, all available signs point down the Phantom Menace path.

For starters, as has been widely commented upon, there are the distressingly Jar Jar Binks-like aliens which populate the planet where the film is set. There is the obsession with technology and its, um, various uses.

And then in the little glimpses we've seen such as the clip below, there are those nagging hints of all those things that made Titatnic so cringeworthy when it wasn't busy drowning people: two-fisted ham-handed over-acting, a laughable two-dimensional good versus evil plotline to tie together all the explosions, dialogue like "every living thing wants to kill you and eat your eyes for Jujubees," and characters named things like Colonel Miles Quaritch, Trudy Chacon, Selfridge, Neytiri and Jake Sully.

And through it all these distractingly zany looking blue cartoons with big cat noses marching around.

Well, perhaps it will all look a lot better in 3D, but in the meantime, we should all strap in and prepare for what could well turn out to be the worst movie you have ever felt obliged to see.

Watch the clip below and see if you don't get that "Uh oh" feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Via Empireonline.com

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

Sitting at the head of the political table in a one-party town is no mean feat, and for the men of Dreamworks, their lock on that much-contested position now looks to set to run into its third decade. Throughout the Clinton era, the President saw in Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen his veritable Hollywood soulmates in the international union of self-adoring baby boomers. The Dreamworks SKG company was in fact founded during a visit to White House, modeled in the heady sense of specialness that dominated those days.

After the diaspora for Hollywood Democrats of the Bush years, there was a mad scramble to see who would emerge as the new President's showbiz BFF, the 2008 campaign setting off a frenzy of industry fundraisers and check-writing. But when the dust cleared and when, just today, the ultimate announcement came, sitting at the head table once again was a certain trio of former partners, initialed SKG.

A couple others made the cut. Of course super-agent Ari Emanuel, having a certain White House Chief of Staff for a brother, got the nod. Also making the list, Sony Chief Michael Lynton, whom has been a heavyweight Democratic fundraiser with, as Nikki Finke outlines, ties to Obama since his first Senate run through his Chicago-raised wife.

Why however, did Obama give three of his five Hollywood seats to the retreads of the Clinton days? Why would he not use the dinner to elevate some brighter, younger activists?

Well, first there is always money. And they gives a lot of it. Katzenberg has written personal checks totally over $800,000 in the past decade while Geffen has shelled out over half a million out of his own pocket to various party coffers, not counting what they've raised from others (Interestingly, as is often the case with Hollywood fundraising the talent rarely feels the need to put much cash on the table, thinking they are doing more than enough by lending their name or showing their face. Steven Spielberg, in contrast to his partners, appears to have donated only around $100,000 from his deep as the Mariana Trench pockets.)

Geffen, of course, was a very vocal early, not just supporter of Obama's but detractor of Hilary's, publicly chastising his ex-friend in Maureen Dowd's column.

But most important perhaps, the former Dreamworks partners, perhaps more than any other showmen in the corporate age of Hollywood, look the part of elder statesmen. They have managed to consistently cultivate their public persona's — led by Spielberg's America's Director shtick — to keep themselves, through all the heavy turmoil of their career and company, looking like the grand old wise men of Hollywood; the boomers graduated into what passes in Hollywood for seriousness.

And even more than Hollywood, politics, above all, respects those who look the part. And so Hollywood's next generation of young upstarts will just have to cool their heels for a cycle or two more.

Our tipster notes that Nancy is "just emailing everyone she knows, asking you to pass it on! So I did." As will we. No need to thank us, Nancy. Since you gave $10 million to Scientology, you need every penny.

Some pictures of the bed follow.

1. "There is a film that won't be in the theaters for at least another year. The schedule got pushed back because of casting issues. They were casting the male and female leads at approximately the same time. However, as soon as the female lead found out that a certain actor was ready to sign on the project, she bailed out, and the role had to be recast. The reason? The actress had some history with the actor. No, they hadn't dated before. But the actor did have a torrid affair with the actress' ex while they were dating. Instead of blaming her ex, she blamed the actor. She thinks that the actor is so charismatic and so charming that he must have manipulated her ex into doing something the ex greatly regretted down the road. There is still a lot of bad blood among the three of them. A couple of extra hints: the ex is also in the acting biz, and all three of these people usually have dark hair." [Blind Gossip]

2. "You just never know when and where you will run into a former A list television actor and producer and now a stumbling C list parody. Anyway, on Wednesday, our actor was in a drug store in Aldergrove, British Columbia, looking at herbal supplements. While he was looking a fellow customer grazed our actor with her basket. At that point our actor said, "watch where you are going," and being in Canada hip checked the woman into a neighboring shelf. The actor was in the store looking for a special herb. Why? The herb is the only one our actor trusts for eliminating the odor of booze on his breath. Our actor was also kicked out of a pizza place the night before for being drunk. The only time in the history of the place it had ever kicked out anyone." [CDaN]

3. "This female singer has a very unique hair style. She said she came up with the idea on her own. I'm sure she did after the fact. It was necessitated though by the fact she got into a fight with her idiot A list singer/producer boyfriend who took a pair of scissors and cut huge chunks of hair off our female singer's head." [CDaN]

4. "So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny." [CDaN]

Yeah. He went there.

He starts opining about how he wishes he had a different strategy—like to start in one city, as Paranormal Activity did—thus ironically echoing the same ethos of The Man Running Hollywood that he later rallies against: find the thing that just performed really, really well, and try to capitalize on its success. Which, whoops, too late.

See, but Max doesn't think he's The Man. He thinks he's The Artist. He's one of The People Who Create. And the people who fucked up his movie chance to become the next E.T. are not. No, really:

Look, here's what people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine owns you. And I was just never ever going to let that happen.

Kinda wish I were an artist, so my art could be 'relevant,' bro. He goes on: he doesn't hate on Big Movies because he's an Indie Movie Guy, because, you know, Transformers would make a stupid indie movie, right? So he's an indie guy. And there's no way he could've sold this movie out to be funny, no way. He just didn't let it go down like this, man. He would've had to stab someone if they put Seth Rogen in his movie. Not happening, no way.

This movie, if we had sold it to [FOX] Searchlight, they would've put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, and they would've cut all the f*cking balls out of the jokes, and they would've brought in some sh*t bird to rewrite the script who would've had Tucker have a girlfriend and this and that, and then it's like they own everything, they may have fired me… I would've stabbed somebody if they had done that. They would've fired me off the movie because they own it — I don't own sh*t anymore, but then I'm the one who has to live with all their creative decisions.

Creative decisions! Like where to put the balls in the movie. Spielberg had the same problem with the girl in the red coat in Schindler's List, which he originally wanted to call Nazis Are Fucked Up, Yo. When you make a Big Studio Movie, you only get so much creative control over the ball jokes, you know? Max goes on to cite another problem as the opening of the film in small cities liek Carbondale, Illinois, a memory that provokes him to rage: "They just don't know the f*cking movies!" But he saves the best for the people of Darko Entertainment, Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly's production company, who produced the movie.

Now, come on. Donnie Darko's a great movie and say what you will of Southland Tales, but at least there's more to say about it besides "it sucks," something many movies (like Tucker's) can't move past. Why, Richard Kelly, did you let this guy into your house?

Well, hopefully, lesson learned. Especially after this bullshit:

Darko [Entertainment] gave us all the creative freedom we could've ever wanted with the budget we had, but once the movie was done, they made a lot of decisions distribution-wise that I would not have made. A lot of things.

How about: your movie is poop, the original product is started out as was poop, you are poop, and if anybody ever lets you work in Hollywood again, they, too, are poop? Nope. Because Tucker's got dreams, man. Big ones:

Another book, Assholes Finish First is coming out next year and then English release [of the film] is New Year's — UK release. Those are the next two big things.

1. Because the British don't think we're doltish enough.
2. Because, lesson learned, Assholes Definitely Finish First. In the race to the bargain bin. Which is where all Tucker Max material will continue to land.

Meta. Bro.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!