Using scores from Metacritic, Miller-McCune weighted the critical scores of actors' movies with the relative size of their roles in those movies. The final list shows that everyone who was in Lord of the Rings is an awesome actor with great taste in projects, with Elijah Wood topping the list and Viggo Mortenson and Ian Holm (the British geezer who played Bilbo Baggins) making the top four, too. Philip Seymour Hoffman is as serious an actor as you think he is, and Jessica Alba is as big a hack. Bottoming out the list was Freddie Prinze, Jr., followed by someone named Eddie Griffin and a tragic Matthew Lillard who had so much potential, once. Here's an abridged sampler:

Equally interesting was scatterplot showing the relative niceness and consistency of America's 25 most prolific movie critics. We discover that the Chicago Tribune's Michael Wilmington drinks the kool-aid more than any other critic, followed by the Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert's perennially upraised thumbs. The meanest critic in America is the Austin Chronicle's Marc Savlov, who gives low scores but deviates regularly. On the other hand, TV Guide's Maitland McDonagh gives low scores and has a relatively low standard deviation from her mean score, meaning she's always stone cold.

[Miller-McCune]

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
The Story: George Clooney and Jeff Bridges star. Based on the true story of a US Army psychic ops unit.
The Pitch: Dr. Strangelove meets Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Who It's For: Comedy with a social message type people.
Cause for Hope: Clooney and Bridges are seldom unfun to watch. Interesting, obscure story.
Cause for Concern: Comedy looks very heavy on the broad and zany.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 6

PRECIOUS
The Story: An abused, overweight illiterate Harlem teen dreams of stardom.
The Pitch: The Color Purple meets Welcome to the Dollhours
Who It's For: Anyone who wants their head bashed in by unrelenting horrifying tale of impoverished desperation.
Cause for Hope: Early Oscar front-runner drew ecstatic raves on the festival trail.
Cause for Concern: Endorsement of Executive Producer Oprah does not bode well for any hopes of subtlety.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter:8

A CHRISTMAS CAROL
The Story: Jim Carrey is Ebenezer Scrooge in the animated 3D retelling of the Dickens classic.
The Pitch: Shrek meets Pride and Prejudice
Who It's For: Families, or those families who can afford to take the whole family out and pay the premium 3D ticket prices.
Cause for Hope: Computer animation looks undeniably cool.
Cause for Concern: These CGI-fests have a habit of celebrating the technology over the story that grows very old 40 minutes in.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 5

THE FOURTH KIND
The Story: A town with an extraordinary number of alien abduction reports is investigated.
The Pitch: The X-Files meets Paranormal Activity
Who It's For: Extremely committed nerds.
Cause for Hope: I could see a movie about alien abduction read the phone book.
Cause for Concern: The scares seem to come from people sitting up in bed and screaming.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 3

THE BOX
The Story: A couple finds themselves with an ethical dilemma when a box arrives telling them if they push its button, they will get one million dollars, but a stranger will die.
The Pitch: Momento meets 88 Minutes
Who It's For: Edgy people.
Cause for Hope: The director of Donnie Darko still has a tiny bit left in his much diminished good will fund.
Cause for Concern: Looks very very much. As in taking itself much too seriously.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 5

The alleged benefits to the entertainment industry of 3D's latest incarnation are many, if they pan out: 3D supposedly justifies higher ticket prices, 3D projection foils pirates, 3D supposedly turns moviegoing at movie houses into an "event" again. On paper, it's a veritable Manhattan Project solution to all of showbiz's woes. The only people who stand to lose are audiences, who will be forced to dig even deeper into their wallets to shell out more for the up-to-this-point dubious advantage of seeing things float around just in front of the screen.

And there is no guarantee all this will work out. After all the hype, audiences might just decide that the cost of moviegoing has hit a tipping point and they are better off staying home or taking their kids to get messed up on malt liquor in a convenience store parking lot for a fraction the pricetag. If things go that way, a lot of people in Hollywood are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

But this isn't the first time we've been through this. From the dawn of cinema, audiences have had cockamamie inventions foisted on them that were supposed to keep their dollars in the theaters. Some have been wildly successful, most have been disasters. Here's a look back at some of the greats:

Invention: Narrative Film
First Introduced In: 1890's
Alleged Advantage: Instead of just showing pictures of horses running down a track, for instance, films sought to tell a story.
Biggest Drawback: Film pioneers failed to anticipate that by the 1980's, narrative would become obsolete, and viewed as a tactic of artistic imperialism, to be replaced by oblique forms which allow viewers to create their own meanings and rely on indirect referencing to achieve a mise en scene rather than actually telling a story.
Outcome: Had its moment but ultimately doomed by the forces of hipster cinema and post-modern criticism.

Invention: Sound
Introduced In: The Jazz Singer, 1927
Alleged Advantage: Audiences got to hear Jolson singing "Swanee" while they watched him gesticulating in blackface.
Biggest Drawback: Once we let actors start talking, Lindsay Lohan twittering was only a few steps away.
Outcome: Pray as you might for someone to tell them to put a cork in it, talkies are here to stay.

Invention: 3D 1.0
Introduced In: Made its first breakthrough in the 1950's with films such as Vincent Price's House of Wax.
Alleged Advantage: Extra scary to think the monsters were actually in the room with you.
Biggest Drawback: Once audiences realized, ten movies later, that the monsters weren't actually in the room, the massive headaches brought on by 3D glasses no longer seemed worth the price.
Outcome: The fire died out but a tiny ember remained smoldering and waiting...

Invention: The Tingler
First Introduced In: 1950's for the film The Tingler
Alleged Advantage: Devices placed in seats made audiences fell they were actually being felt up by the onscreen villain.
Biggest Drawback: Being felt up by a screen villain isn't necessarily what one wants in their moviegoing experience.
Outcome: Like most of the gimmicks brought to the movie house by schlock producer William Castle, The Tingler's moment was not to last.

Invention: Sensurround
First Introduced In: 1970's disaster films such as Earthquake.
Alleged Advantage: Massive sound effect would make seats and your bones shake with onscreen rumbling.
Biggest Drawback: No one really likes having their bones shake when they are not at a rock concert.
Outcome: Sensurround didn't make it but it's memory lives on in the vision of Michael Bay and the decades of annoyingly loud movies that have followed.

Invention: 3D 2.0
First Introduced In: The Stewardesses in 1970.
Alleged Advantage: A new processing innovation reinvigorated 3D for the zany 1970's. The number "3" was especially advantageous to filmmakers in underscoring the specialness of the third installments of franchises as it was thus used in Jaws 3D, Amityville 3D and Friday the 13th, Part 3D.
Biggest Drawback: Despite the "D" audiences were still stuck watching a third Amityville Horror film.
Outcome: Again the flame died, but the fire was never extinguished.

Invention: Web Driven Production
First Introduced In: Snakes on a Plane, 2006
Alleged Advantage: Popular netsroots outcry spurred filmmakers to tailor the film, then in progress to the needs of their audiences, inserting extra nudity and swearing.
Biggest Drawback: Once fanboys on the internet are given any actual power, the collapse of modern civilization can not be far behind.
Outcome: After all their noise, the fanboys tired of their plaything before it made it to market. Snakes grossed a mere $34 million giving it the most off-kilter hype to grosses ratio in film history.

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Yes, Gretchen, Tamra, Lynne, Vicki, and Jeana are our muses and we think that this is a fitting tribute for the start of what is sure to be a great season of foreclosures, petty disputes, and plastic surgery.

Gretchen Rossi Has a Dildo with a Cord

Empty
like feet searching for the ground while hurling
out of a plane. Empty like tingling
in the cheeks longing for the flapping rush of wind
and the taut explosion of a screaming descent.

Empty
like a love tank in a Prius that has no sparks
and no oil and is just cruising down a hill to crash
into the community's gate. The neighbors will swell
out of their houses—empty, all their goods pawned—

And they will watch as her bloody manicure
sweeps her hair out of her face and she begins
to climb back up the hill, past the empty homes. The mood
is foreboding and gnawing, like debt, like a husband
who doesn't yell, he talks

But when he talks, he is accused of yelling
because everything about his spouse is empty,
her head, her threats, her rhetoric, she is empty
like a puppet missing a hand
like a marionette bobbing

Up and down on yellow strings trying to force her
body into a desirable shape. She is just gilding it,
like a leather and diamond cuff, like Wonder Woman's
magic bracelets,
bullets deflecting in every direction.

The jewelry is designed by a beast, her
tanned hide stretched tight over ribs
like a fleshen xylophone. Hit her with mallets,
make her sing a song of peace as she brings the enemies
around a table, floods it with wine.

Watch them fight, watch them cower. There are
no angels here. Only the accused, eyes still
puffy from crying at the beach with her little creature terriers
named pain and vanity. She cares for them
but longs for a man

Blank as a slate to throw her around a cluttered garage.
There is no room for your grief in the flotsam.
Clear out a space for your dead husband's hospital bed, the Ming vase
urn, swirling with the blue lines of your tears
protecting the chunky ash.

Around the dinner table, let them talk about flowers,
let them talk about work
Let them talk about truth and grievances.
No victims, just someone to tell you to shut the fuck up
to seance the ghost of your gold digging succubus

Before the final empty accusation:
Gretchen Rossi has a dildo with a cord.

Finally, the last challenge of this dreadful season of our favorite the fashion design competition. It was yet another "here's some cash, go buy a hooker and some fabric, then make her an outfit" challenge. This time they had to be inspired by something at the Getty Museum and they imported the hookers from the show that dare not speak it's name that airs after Runway. It shouldn't be hard to get excited about beauty in the Getty, but the problem is that the collective talent pool of this group is about as deep as Mad Max's well. How can they be inspired by art when they wouldn't even know how to create something mildly interesting, or at least with a bit of color!

Things We Hated:

• Conspiracy Theories: We really hate it when people say things like "they know he's not talented, but they're keeping him around because he's good TV" and things like that. While we know this is television, we like to think that the competition's producers have at least a little bit of integrity. So now we hate ourselves for thinking that the final three is a great conspiracy by Lifetime to make sure that a woman wins this thing. Sure, the boys pretty much sucked this season (even though Epperson and Ra'Mon deserved more of a chance to show us the goods), but it's a little suspect when the final three are all woman and they are picked by an entirely female panel on Lifetime, television for women. We would never begrudge a woman success, but doesn't this just seem a little bit fishy?
• More Bitching about the Judges: Last night Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine had the gall to say "I don't know who Gordana is as a designer." That is because you didn't even know her name and had to look it up on an index card. Maybe you would have known her name and her (paltry) aesthetic if you bothered to show up every week to do your job. Also, Ms. Kors couldn't make it in for the final judging when two designers were booted off and the final contestants are picked. Isn't that a pretty big deal? And if we couldn't get MK to do the duty, why not ask Tim? Other than Heidi, he's the only person that has seen the work week in and week out.
• Choosing Sides: It seems like the producers are working really hard to make the "bitch edit" happen and have all the designers hate each other. It's like if they manufacture some drama it might distract us from the fact that they are all no-talent, no-personality hacks.
• Having No One to Root For: Does anyone care who wins this whole thing? We don't.
• Michelle Pfieffer and Aston Kutcher: Wow, how sad is it for these two that they're now making movies for Lifetime. And how sad is it that Lifetime thinks we'd actually watch this movie. We'd rather tune in for a Dude, Where's My Car marathon than this sappy estrogen fest.
• Being Bored by Runway: Every reality show has its good years and its bad years. But we just hate hating Runway. It's off year just came at the worst possible point, with a new network and a new production company, which probably means that everyone is going to jump ship and in a year we'll be talking about how "remember when Runway used to be good?" We don't want to give up on it, but this season is making it hard.

Things We Loved:

• Cindy Crawford: Damn, how good does she look guest judging!
• Tim Gunn: It was so sweet when Tim told the designers to go "knock Nina Garcia (FDMCM)'s stillettos off so they fly across the runway." But really, did he think that was going to happen? No. But it's cute that he's still enthusiastic.
• The End: Thank God this season is over. Let's all pray that next season is great again and then instead of saying "remember when Runway was good on Bravo" we can just say "God, remember that really shitty season they rushed into production because of a lawsuit? That was the worst."

In the end, both Gordana and Cry-stopher were sent home to crush smurfs and drown in their tears in solitude. It's not like we'll miss either of you, but it is a little crushing that there won't be one Y chromosome in the finale. But they really deserved to be auf-ed, Cry-stopher for his heavy skirt and runway theatrics, and Gordana for her dress that looked like a giant vagina Georgia O'Keefe painting.

Carol Hannah's stunning gold column, Althea's messy gold somethingorother, and Irina's swishing seafoam structured muumuu were enough to take them to the final in Bryant Park. Yay! The end is in sight.

But there was no end to the bitchiness, the crying, or lack of inspiration this week. To the videos!

Art Thieves
Context: The designers stroll around the Getty Museum looking for inspiration.
Vision: That using something beautiful will help them create beautiful clothing.
Delusion: Silly designers, you need talent to turn art into something creative.
What Would Nina Say?: "What's your name again?"
Dramometer: 4

Fashion Factions
Context: It's Carol Hannah and Althea vs. Irina and Gordana in a fight to the death. But only three will survive.
Vision: Bitching about the other designers will someone make your work better.
Delusion: None of you deserve to be there, and the audience hates all of you. So there!
What Would Nina Say?: "Who is fighting with whom?"
Dramometer: 6

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn knows that Cry-stopher is going to make an ugly dress and go home. It's what he's been doing for about a month of episodes now—minus the going home part.
Vision: Using a rock to make a dress.
Delusion: Better to use scissors and paper to cut it to shreds, roll it up in a ball, and just throw it away.
What Would Nina Say?: "Tim, why are you talking to that...that, boy!"
Dramometer: 4

Runway Arrogance
Context: Althea watches her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: She uses a bed as inspiration and makes something that is actually pretty cool.
Delusion: No delusion here, other than that having the best dress means she's a great designer.
What Would Nina Say?: "If I knew who you were, I would pick this as a winner."
Dramometer: 3

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Cry-stopher defends his dress with, what else, tears! He compares himself to a rock with a piece of algae on it. That's funny, because we think of him more like a mildewy prom dress that has been left in your parents' basement for 20 years. Really, this is the sorriest thing we've seen since we watched Kim Zolciak sing "Tardy for the Party" live.
Vision: That getting emotional will make the judges see that he made something great.
Delusion: Except the skirt is ugly and looks like a Victorian hooker after she's been graffiti-ed on.
What Would Nina Say?: "I don't know who you are, but I know you won't stop blubbering."
Dramometer: 7

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

• For decades entertainment savants have pondered the question of how to bring art's greatest, almost elemental tale, the Yogi Bear saga, to the screen. Now at last thanks to new technology, they have found a way as a combo live action/CG animated version makes its historic way to the cameras. Naturally Hollywood's biggest stars have been vying for the leading roles, but when the fighting stopped, Dan Aykroyd was the warrior still standing; the former SNL star will voice the great Yogi in his epic search for picnic baskets. Clearly, the role of Boo Boo could go to none other than J Tims, and so it has. Anna Faris will play a previously unknown character described as a "documentary filmmaker." [Variety]

• JJ Abrams is in talks to direct his first TV episode since the 2004 Lost debut. Abrams is considering personally taking the wheel of Undercovers, a spy thriller series he will also Exec Produce. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Disney has made a big bet on 3D, Jim Carrey, Robert Zemeckis and Charles Dickens. The new adaptation of A Christmas Carol comes with a $180 million pricetag, making it the biggest, widest attempt yet to convince audiences that 3D is really so special that they should shell out extra dollars beyond the already wallet-breaking amounts they pay to take the family to a movie. But hey, if it can sorta look like its really snowing in a movie theater, who wouldn't take out a second mortgage to see that? [The Wrap]

• Christmas Carol is expected to win the weekend box office race, with its tracking projecting it to land somewhere between $35 and $45 million. None of the other films opening this weekend, Oscar contenders The Men Who Stared at Goats and Precious, or the alien-horror flic The Fourth Kind, are expected to wind up north of $20 million.

• Moving on from his Ali G stable of characters, Sacha Baron Cohen has formed a production company to develop new material. Four by Two Films has already signed its first deal to shoot Accidentes for Universal, based on the ambulance chasing attorney famed in LA for his side-of-the-bus ads. [Variety]

• With turmoil afoot in the industry, Daily Variety editor Tim Gray forsees a chaotic awards season ahead, thanks to among other factors: changes at the helms of four of the major film companies, the expansion of the Oscar race to ten films, the 3D wild card and a series of previously off the Oscar map companies such as Summit and Magnolia that could become players this year. [Variety]

1. "Dr. Arnie Klein – Michael Jackson's dermatologist – just did an interview with Harvey Levin of TMZ. One of the topics they discussed was Michael Jackson's peculiar habit of whipping out his privates in front of other people (including children) to pee in a cup so that he wouldn't have to walk down the hallway to the bathroom. Dr. Klein said he didn't think that the habit was all that unusual. Then he told a short story of a female country singer he knew. He said that she told him that when she lived in the country, she would purposely pee in the bed every night just to stay warm. Who might he be talking about?" [Blind Gossip]

2. "Remember when we told you about the wealthy singer who brings in a body-double for a wife, you know, to rub his feet and take care of him for her? Well, we heard that she also brings in a 'sex instructor' who coaches the husband on how to pleasure her correctly. The husband watches as the instructor demonstrates on the singer what's right and what's wrong. Not Christina Aguilera." [BuzzFoto]

3. "Which huge pop star is the subject of a ridiculous whispering campaign claiming he's the subject of an underage sex police investigation?" [PopBitch]

4. "This former B list television actress and now C list movie actress has been single for awhile. Maybe not for long though. At a recent event, our actress was supposed to walk the runway at a fashion show. When her time to walk approached, no one could find her. People were running around looking for her. They finally found her, umm, in her dressing room in the midst of full on sex. When told she needed to be on stage that second, she jumped up, pulled down her dress and walked the runway." [CDaN]

For his follow up to Slumdog Millionaire, Boyle announced today, he will make 127 Hours, the story of a hiker who spent five days trapped under a boulder until he amputated his own arm to escape. That pitch may not be the sort of thing people generally think of when looking for thrilling real life stories to brought to life on the big screen, but if Hollywood is now open to the great moments of tedium or mundanity of human experience, we thought we'd take a look around and find what other gems are sitting out there today, just ready for their close ups.

TSARFACE: When a new President appoints special advisers to co-ordinate different departments of the federal government, one brave Senator says enough is enough and dares to introduce an amendment that would give Congress oversight over the villainous practice.

DUDE, I DO THIS EVERY NIGHT: One man drives drunk for years without incident, until at last, he is pulled over.

HANDS DOWN: In a time of influenza, a former public health commissioner dares to speak the truth about people who dont cover their mouths when they sneeze.

BLOGAGGEDON!: A showbiz blogger calls other showbiz's bloggers' Oscar predictions a bunch of hooey. Recriminations ensue, at other blogs and in the comments section.

SEXJACKED: Seeking only to provide for his family, an Australian cabbie finds his quiet evening is turned into a nightmare when a couple makes him get out of hs taxi so they can have sex in it.

And this is all just one day's news! As art has taught us through the ages, real life truly is the stuff of great art, when properly packaged.

This has been a harrowing week for Hoodie Nation, with setbacks that make the Democratic Party's election losses look like a day at the beach. First off there was the stunning news that hipster warhorse HBO's Flight of the Conchords show might have reached the end of its run.

And now on the heels of that debacle comes word that Fox Searchlight, distributor of Gentleman Broncos, the new film by Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess, featuring(!) for the love of God(!), Conchord Jermaine Clement, is pulling the plug on the film's national release, after its one week run in LA and New York.

The film seemingly had everything; a plotline built around a young fantasy fiction writer, exotic 70's costumes, characters with funny pets — all created by the auteur of the Quirky Filmmakers Bible Napoleon Dynamite. But after a week in New York and LA where it did so-so box office and received miserable reviews from critics who are clearly just jealous, Searchlight decided to stop the bleeding and forgo the expense of a national release.

And to add insult to injury, the news first leaked out on Roger Ebert's Twitter feed of all the non-hipster places (although Ebert tweeting has just about come full circle now and is scheduled to be cool again sometime mid-to-late next week).

So for Hoodie pundits, there are several ways to spin this news. Putting on our Hoodie Pundit pom-pomed ski cap, first of all, just getting real, who cares if people outside of New York and Los Angeles see it? I mean, why were we going to show Broncos to them in the first place? Do those people even understand what quirk is? Do they even know that back in the early 80's people wore Members Only jackets and what that meant? So seriously, hell with them.

Second, looking at the big picture, let's not forget that quirk remains an extremely viable artform; (500) Days of Summer has grossed almost $50 million to date. Owl City is at the top of the record charts. The Fabulous Mr. Fox is being well received. And Jason Schwartzman's show was just renewed by HBO. So there is no cause for panic. While we can all admit, these events did not go as we would have liked, the state of Hoodie Nation is strong and still on its way to being the majority party of pop culture for decades to come.

Third, you can't beat something with nothing. You want to knock off the Quirkers but with what? Hip Hop? Maybe if you can open a time portal back to 2003. Country? I don't think Taylor Swift would last five seconds on the mean streets of Williamsburg. Emo has been co-opted...So what else've you got?
No movement around has the stature to take on Hoodie Nation, to challenge it block to block, apartment to apartment for the rulership of America's cool people.

They may say Quirk is over; but in the eyes of its people, it's just getting started.

• As earning seasons reporting continued, NewsCorp came out on the winning side of the ledger, with profits up 11 percent in the past quarter with the picture for broadcast turning around. "The best results we've seen in seven quarters," is how Rupert Murdoch described the broadcast numbers. The company's dark cloud in the cheer: MySpace, which is failing to meet the deliverables in its deal with Google. "With MySpace, we are in a state of transition," was how NewsCorp's CEO described the once mighty social networking site's search for a new raison d'etre. And you know how those states of transition go online...[Variety]

• Taking those numbers with others from this earnings season, The Wrap is ready to call it a "media rebound." [The Wrap]

• Just when he seemed to be getting a head of steam on a good post-Oscar win bout of paralysis and indecision, one of Hollywood's finest traditions, director Danny Boyle has cut the party short by announcing his next film. And what could be a more obvious story to tell than 127 Hours, the true tale of a hiker trapped under a boulder who eventually cuts his arm off to escape? [Variety]

• The troubled pre-season of The Tourist may now have a A list team attached. Johnny Depp is in talks to star opposite Angelina Jolie in the film. Earlier star Sam Worthington and director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck both removed themselves from the project over "creative differences." [Variety]

• Continuing the Jackson watch, the movie has thus far brought in $125 million internationally. [The Wrap
]

• Disney has settled the lawsuit brought against it by the makers of the Luxo Jr. lamp that has become the Pixar trademark. Rather than celebrating the celebrity brought to it by its high profile association, the Swedish company that manufactures Luxo sued for trademark infringement after Pixar included copies of the lamp in special editions of the Up dvd's, saying Pixar's unauthorized use of their product would "cause devastating damage to Luxo and dilute the goodwill which Luxo has built up." [Hollywood Reporter]

Instead of opening to a buzzing chorus and a heat-seaking Slushie cruising down the hallway, we are introduced to Fabio, who will be the heavily-accented Virgil for our tour through this fresh hell. Apparently this episode is meant to show us what all of our favorite Glee club members are going to look like in 10 years. Apparently they have all become chefs and been on some sort of reality show, but not all at the same time. They have also given up singing and dancing, which is sad.

He starts bringing in all these people we don't even recognize. First is some chucklehead who must be Finn after getting married: bloated, haggard, but still walking around with that confidence that says he has the biggest dick in the locker room. Then in saunters Mercedes, the big girl with the big voice and plenty of sass to back it up. She's also pulled a Michael Jackson and lightened her skin a whole lot.

Then the Will Schuester arrives. He is going by Ilan these days, and he is still cute in a nerdy way and a little bit too earnest. Shortly after comes Puck, throwing about oblivious bravado just like he used to swings about his massive man guns, except now his mohawk has grown out into a nest of scary nettles. Babygay Kurt's has grown into chubby adolescent and screeches when he sees the sexy and kinda mean Quinn Fabray, who has dyed her hair brown and is wearing a very cute outfit that is nothing like a cheerleader's uniform. They are joined by some guy named Hung who was one of those silent Asians in the background of the Glee club who they trot out whenever they need someone to do break dance moves.

Next is Ken Tanaka, with a face that looks like it was attacked by a hive of bees and a haircut only a lesbian could love. Speaking of which, in saunters Sue Motherfucking Sylvester. Well, at least we thought so, until we realized that this dykey lady was about as funny as spending a night in county jail for public urination. What could have happened to ruin her spirit?

Finally the diva of the show arrives, but Rachel has gone from an awkward, strangely attractive and totally totally self absorbed bitch into an awkward, strangely attractive tall black woman with giant eyes. She's not nearly so full of herself though. Then we see that pot-dealing, Josh Groban-loving Sandy has gone back in the closet. What a sad day to see him without the protection of a sherbet colored sweater tied around his neck like he was pretending to drive to the country club.

Now that we've met the dramatis personae, we're ready for them to start talking about how they're going to put on the show. A little doo-wop and be-bop later, and we'll have ourselves a cheerleader-themed production number that will make every hair on your body stand on end for two whole minutes before falling off your body in exhaustion. It's like the television equivalent of a full-body wax, and it hurts so good. Well, they start talking...and talking and talking. We keep seeing flashbacks of them actually doing things—namely cooking and bitching at each other—but now that are not doing anything. It's like a third year high school reunion, where everyone is still far too familiar and the wounds are as fresh as newly-picked hemlock.

Fabio the Fabulous must be the director, because he's going around and talking to everyone and trying to find out about their character's motivations. We're ready for him to start blocking a scene or something, but instead he just seems to be practicing to host a reality show all his own. Finally, he starts to get things rolling by pulling out this crazy block with a bunch of knives sticking out of it. We get prepared for the massacre, as each gang of two (or three in the case of Babygay Kurt, Quinn, and nameless Asian) draws their weapon. But they're not fighting, they're just randomly assigning numbers. Somehow this translates into Rachel and Sandy having to make dessert, which is funny because Rachel would never eat dessert or else it would ruin her elliptical-based aerobic exercise regime and Sandy only eats dessert when he's stoned. Any situation this tedious would probably sober him up right quick.

Next thing you know, everyone is in the supermarket. This is like some kind of fever dream, when you expect to see Judy Garland dance with Mickey Rooney, and instead you get a Nicolas Cage chewing the scenery up and down a liquor store aisle as he fulls his cart full of the booze that he's going to use to kill himself. But instead of Nic's bad hair, you have a whole bunch of bad lesbian hair all competing for your attention. And it is dotted with all these wretched reminders of better days, when they were playing this awesome game that was judged by beautiful, wise, and witty people, including Parvati, the Hindu goddess of love. But these xenophobes keep mispronouncing her name and calling her Padma. God, Americans are so stupid. There is no mention of the evil goddess Kali, who once ruled the land, but was replaced by someone more charismatic and photogenic.

Then they go back and cook, but not in a way like they're actually trying to get something done (except for nameless Asian who is all high kicks and head spins around that kitchen like he's the third chorus boy in Barefoot Contessa: The Musical!) Rachel is talking about how stressful life is as a star. Sandy is walking around trying to prove how straight he is by hitting on all the lesbians. The lesbians are rolling their eyes, and Sue Motherfucking Sylvester doesn't even threaten one person except with her scowl, which could peel the hides off of a battered cardboard box of newborn puppies.

Director Fabio is making the rounds and asking everyone what they are doing, but we don't really care. We're just thinking that after this extravaganza of tedium that there has to be a great closing number with tap dancers, showgirls in headdresses, and stairs that light up when they are stepped on. Instead they all sit down to dinner. The only way this could be good is if Fabio puts on a corset and a curly wig gets Rachel in a maid's outfit and Finn as a bald butler to flank him for a rendition of "Eddie's Teddy" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and at the end of the number he rips the table cloth off the table to reveal the body of dead goddess Kali below. But they don't, and we still don't know what happened to Kali Joel.

Instead, they sit around and talk about how hard it is to be on reality television and how no one understand them. Puck has it the worst, apparently, but it seems he deserves it because he behaves so appallingly that it makes it seem like he has some sort of personality disorder. In the middle of all this, Fabio gets all incensed for no reason. We think he's going to suddenly blow his top and scream "prostitution whore" and flip over a table, but instead he just makes some speech that we couldn't quite understand because the only Italian words we know are puttanesca and DiGiorno, which we think means delivery.

They're all eating and everyone likes most of the food, except everyone agrees that Babygay Kurt's pirogi thing is about as bad as that "Single Ladies" song the millionth time you've heard it. Then there are more memories, good and bad and more bitching. We have to check the calendar, because it seems like Thanksgiving came early this year, except we don't get to eat any of our mother's famous Indian Pudding (maybe Parvati stole it?) and we just get all the fighting. Finn tries to keep everything positive, but despite the swagger, no one listens to him anymore because he's fat now. Quinn and Rachel try to make nice and say that Rachel has forgiven Quinn for ruining her life, but we know she was kicking her under the table through the entire meal. She has very long legs now.

After more misty watercolor memories of everyone playing and getting drunk in some dirty room that must be Mercedes' basement where everyone goes to party after an especially tough rehearsal, the whole thing is over. Like sex with a bad hooker or a community theater production of Into the Woods, it ends with no climax, with no big final scene, and it took way too long to get there. We can't wait for next week when everything is back to normal, because this episode of Glee sucked.

With the contract on Oprah's show running out, and with her fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network struggling to get off the ground, the entertainment world has been speculating wildly about her next move. To most, however, it seemed unthinkable that Oprah could walk away from her ATM machine of a TV show — contemplating the fate of daytime TV minus Oprah is like Cold War strategists trying to imagine a world without the Soviet Union.

The Big O has been developing the Oprah Winfrey Network for some time in partnership with Discovery Communications, but the network has had trouble getting off the ground without the presence of its namesake's own show. Finke reports that Discovery's chief finally demanded that Oprah go all in and bring her show over or give up on the network entirely. If after much vacillation, which reportedly included several canceled phone appointments with Les Moonves to break the news to him, it would be a big change of heart for Oprah to base her empire on her own cable channel rather than a mere syndicated show.

Back in 1998, when Oprah was poised to take over cable as one of the three "founding mothers" of the Oxygen network, she dangled the possibility of her talk show airing on the new cable station:

She also said she intended to provide ''input and ideas'' in the short-term before she is free from other commitments to produce more programming for the channel. Specifically, she said she had never sold rerun rights to the huge library of editions of her daily talk show and, ''This seems like the perfect place to release them.''

A decade later, when Winfrey announced her OWN network in January 2008, she tried to distance herself as much as possible from the disappointing Oxygen: "I was not a participant in the development of the channel... That's why after a couple of board meetings I took myself off the board."

Ad Age reports (via) that Silverman might take over CollegeHumor at the behest of Barry Diller, who bankrolls both CollegeHumor and Silverman's new online venture. Van Veen, meanwhile. is transitioning out of CollegeHumor and into his own Diller-funded media startup, Notional, which sounds a lot like Silverman's Electus (both have something to do with online video production).

We're told Silverman and Van Veen have been working very closely together and talking to each other every day. Perhaps a grander merger is in the works that would combine Electus, Notional and CollegeHumor into one venture. Silverman may have been ousted from old media, but he could still be lord of the new media flies. Especially within a venture that actually celebrates a refusal to mature, an inability to grow emotionally and a proclivity for partying to excess. Those are Ben Silverman's specialties, right there.

(Pics: via Getty, Webbyist)

1. "This B/C list Celebrity will announce her upcoming pregnancy soon, but don't be fooled; it's a stunt. Sure, it's legit. There's a real life baby in her belly, but what her boyfriend doesn't know is that she skipped her pills on purpose because she feared an impending breakup. We know there are rumors of his wandering eye, and maybe she thought a child would refocus his vision. Not Ashlee Simpson (although we wouldn't be surprised to hear her make a similar announcement in the upcoming months)." [BuzzFoto]

2. "You may already know that this family has one child in trouble. Perhaps it's the result of his famous acting parents constant fighting. Will they ever go their separate ways? He's not the only kid in his family acting out, though. Daddy's little princess is also into the kinds of things that horrify parents – alcohol, drugs, and sex. Yep. All three. It's all pretty hush-hush at this point, but you might see a second surprise hit the press pretty soon." [Blind Gossip]

3. "This A list female country singer was hired to shoot a video of her just talking. She was given the script ahead of time and had cue cards at the ready. She came in the morning after a concert in a nearby town and was put in hair and makeup. A room was especially decorated for her to shoot the video in. The building was cleared for only essential people and the camera started rolling. And rolling. And rolling. Because for all of her posturing and songs of "I am a strong, smart woman" our singer couldn't even read her cue cards right. Also, "uh" is one of the main words in her vocabulary. The crew, ever the professionals, stuck it out waiting for her to get her few lines right. After a few hours, the director called it a day and said they have what they need and proceeds to try to edit those few lines into something passable. He had to use a lot more video of her singing then he thought he would but he made it work." [CDaN]

First Activision, Guitar Hero's maker, had to weather a storm about their use of an animated rendition of Kurt Cobain. And now Gwen Stefani is getting all worked about about the fact that the cartoon version of her does things that she says the real Gwen would never ever do, like sing about having sex with prostitutes. Sure you wouldn't Gwen...

Stefani and her band No Doubt have filed a suit against Activision stating that the gamemaker's use of their likenesses goes way beyond what the band signed off on and that the game has "transformed No Doubt band members into a virtual karaoke circus act," which is certainly something no band likes.

The LA Times reports:

The suit also charges that the game allows users to manipulate their characters to sing songs popularized by other pop music acts. No Doubt's contract with Activision allowed the company to use the band's music and likenesses in no more than three of the band's own songs, the suit states. The game, which was released Tuesday, puts the group members' images, collectively and individually, into more than 60 songs, "many of which include lyrics, contained in iconic songs, which are not appropriate for No Doubt and have not been and would not have been chosen by No Doubt for recordings or public performances."

Specifically, the suit notes that through the game's Character Manipulation Feature, Stefani's image can be induced to sing the Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Women." "While No Doubt are avid fans of the Rolling Stones and even have performed in concerts with the Rolling Stones," the complaint states, "the Character Manipulation Feature results in an unauthorized performance by the Gwen Stefani avatar in a male voice boasting about having sex with prostitutes." It also states that bassist Kanal's likeness can be manipulated to sing, in a female voice, one of No Doubt's signature hits, "Just a Girl."

The suit asks for punitive damages and seeks to take the No Doubt edition off the market, which will create someday a red hot bootleg market of illegal Stefani avatars being made to dance to "Party in the USA". interrupting Taylor Swift acceptance speeches and belt out "Pokerface" in Portugese.

We looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and saw the future of the show. Here it goes:

• Violent is the killer and she kills Auggie, because they're both off the show. We didn't even need our crystal ball for that one.
• Lauren is going to get caught being a giant hooker and Ella is going to have to save her. She's going to have to choose between helping out her roommate and boning Jonah, and she will choose to save Lauren, and then will hire both her and cash-strapped Jonah for a three way. But then she will dump Jonah for the hot doctor played by Nick Zano. They will have an on-again-off again relationship until they fake their deaths and run off together again, because she is the new Amanda and he will be the new Peter. Lauren is the new Jo, so she will be boring until her contract is up and she leaves the show.
• Riley and Jonah will break up, of course, and they will continue to make really bad dating decisions, but will still live in the same apartment building and will enable each other's bad choices. They are the new Billy and Allison. That means that Riley will hate Ella for taking Jonah and will get a job at the PR firm to make her life hell. PR is pretty much exactly like teaching first grade, so she will be great.
• David will not go to jail for being a horrible thief and even worse bloody knife hider, but he will live in a halfway house right next door to Michael Mancini. He will cut his hedges over the fence everyday until Michael realizes that he loves his kid. He will bring cookies to the halfway house and they will stay up late looking at old pictures and sharing stories about how great his mother is. Then David will suddenly turn violently ill and die. Michael poisoned him, because he does not enjoy the tingling sensation of love.
• The steam will float of the pool like fog off a primordial bog as the tiles of the patio start to shiver like orphans left out in the cold. As the building quakes, the balcony is the first thing to go, caving in on the courtyard, crushing Violent and Auggie, their limbs splayed about like spilled Twizzlers. An inhuman cry tears through the eardrums of all that remain, sending blood down their heads, and they grab their ears, stumbling about trying to keep from falling to their knees as they look up in horror at a sight that is giant, green, and massive: Dinosaur Amanda!

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

Actors Jesse Eisenberg (Zuckerberg) and Andrew Garfield (Saverin), as well as director David Fincher were on the scene.

So were Twitter users Mary Spiro and Raluca Musaloiu, who stopped to take some photos.

Hm. Kind of looks like Harvard

Jesse Eisenberg (center) is playing Mark Zuckerberg

Andrew Garfield (left) plays forgotten Facebook cofounder Eduardo Saverin

Mark Zuckerberg built Facebook in fall 2004, so the fall weather is historically accurate

Actual Johns Hopkins students woke to a funny site out their dorm windows

Nice camera

Leaving the dorm…

The guy on the right is probably director David Fincher, who also made Fight Club

Where Justin Timberlake? He plays Facebook's first president, Sean Parker, who wouldn't appear in scenes taking place at Harvard

Corduroy, 70's and 80's musical genres, grown men wearing kids' animal t-shirts and sleeping in a room together just like a slumber party — the Conchords often seemed like a one-show Expo of Hoodie touchstones.

But the bell may be tolling for this golden age. In an interview with Reuters, Conchords star Jemaine Clement said that the toll of producing the series has become too much for the duo, whose tours, albums and outside acting work are now taking off. "We've got to write the series, but we've also got to write the songs, and just dividing your time into those two writing tasks is really tricky," he spake.

Saying he needs to discuss the show's future with the rest of the Conchords team, Clement continued saying, "It very likely might not" return for a third season. However, he added, "It could come back in a shorter season or like a special."

Tonight at dusk, candle light vigils will be held on the streets of Williamsburg and Silverlake, where Quirkers will gather to plead for just one, one more Bowie parody before the sun sets forever on the brave dream of a world where man-boys can run free, hoodies flapping in the wind, cultural references aloft like noble falcons serenely circling in a desert sky.

Full disclosure: We actually find season one very funny, as we do their live performances.

Stars Cross the Lily Pond
by Betsey Morgenstern
Hamptons.com Contributor

Last night there was another packed crowd at the Lily Pond, the hottest nightclub in all of East Hampton, and the dance floor was especially star studded, with the likes of Whitney Port, Roxy Carmichael Olin, and Sammie Somethingorother in town for the weekend staying at the Fackelmayer's luxe compound. Nearly identical brothers Freddie and Harry couldn't have been dressed more differently for the late night fun. Harry came wearing a T-shirt and shorts, looking like he just finished a shift at the Crab Shack down the street and was stopping by for a drink on his way home. The buff and bronzed Freddie, however, was wearing an open tuxedo shirt and jacket, looking like he had just been thrown out of the End Alopecia Now benefit that was happening earlier that evening at McGuffan's Farm.

While the gemini brothers couldn't have looked more different, they both had the same goal: to score with Whitney. Apparently Whitney insisted on bringing her friend Roxy C.O. along for the weekend, much to everyone's chagrin. We hear that Sammy tried to swerve her Audi when Roxy was sticking her head out the sunroof so that she would be hurled headlong into the gutter, never to bray or instigate ever again. Her plan did not work. Neither of the Fackelmayers, with their upper-class, East Coast cool, could stand the brash California girl, and she was left to do the Tiffani dance all by herself while wearing a pair of glowing green sunglasses.

Harry (who I met when dating his brother Freddie, full disclosure!) ambled over and told me that he was thinking of hitting on Sammy, but she just wasn't that cute, and was on the prowl for another girl. I said, "What about Whitney. She's really giving you the signals."

At that moment, she was on the dance floor grinding with Freddie, who was popping the cork off a bottle of champagne and making sure that his girl was having a good time. I told Harry, who was a little drunk, that was the chance to make his move. He went in to kiss her, but Whitney kept turning her head. "I love you," I overheard him say as I sat on a banquette nearby watching the action. Freddie could clearly see the scene play out, and he bent over and shouted something to Roxy C.O., but I couldn't hear over the thump of the music from DJ Skeezy, who once asked me if I would do a line of coke off his penis. It's not as difficult as you would think.

Freddie made his way back over to Whitney, and Harry slumped over with the look of defeat all over his face where his limp bangs usually hang. I sat next to him and patted his knee and told him everything would be fine. As he slipped his hand under my blouse (but over the bra), I thought of an even better plan. "Hey, why don't you tell Whitney that I'm Freddie's girlfriend and that she should break up with him. Then maybe she'll sleep with you."

Harry weaved his way through the crowd of glamorous hangers on, stepped over Sammy, who was making out on the floor with Ship Needermacker, heir to the Needermacker frozen waffle fortune, and sidled up to Whitney. I swished my martini around and mustered up my biggest scowl as Harry whispered in her ear and Whitney's face festered with even more confusion that usual. It was like someone just told her that her little puppy hadn't been sent to a farm in Connecticut to live with Martha Stewart, but really wound up under the wheels of Lizzie Grubman's SUV. She grabbed Roxy C.O. and told Sammie to stop being a slut on the sticky floor of a suburban club because it was time to storm off in a huff.

I went over to Harry to ask what happened, and he slumped onto my shoulders like a lonely corpse. I patted his head and thought he was going to cry. Then he vomited down my back, and it was time to leave.

The next morning, I had to find out the scoop and hid out in the shed next to the Fackelmayer pool. As the brothers did cannonballs, I could see the three witches plotting inside throwing little ingredients into a cauldron. Sammie would stir and Roxy would throw back her head and emit painful bleats that made the boys cower like Glenn Close taking a shower in The Big Chill. They came downstairs and coven leader Roxy gave Freddie a piece of her mind, but Whitney wanted to do the talking. She changed a spell of truth, and Freddie had no choice to admit his girlfriend and say he was sorry, but offerend no explanation.

Then I burst out of the shed, leaves still in my hair and chucks of dried puke flaking off my dress and shouted, "It's me! He's in love with me!" and the witches screamed, running with hands over head like a gaggle of crazed hula dancers. They ran right to the Audi and shuttled back from the city. It might have been a shaky night, but this party ended with the best of mornings.

Interview with Betsey Morgenstern, Blogger for Stylehive.com
By Olivia Palermo

There are many style blogs on the internet, but the bloggiest belongs to Betsey Morgenstern, the girl who has something to do with Stylehive.com.

Olivia Palermo: Hi Betsey. How are you?
Betsey Morgenstern: I'm fine, how are....

OP: That's great to hear. So, how would you describe your personal style?
BM: Well, I really like a mix of fashion-forward and more...

OP: That's awesome. I have something like that myself. Who are your favorite designers?
BM: Right now I'm really into Jason...

OP: I'm friends with Phillip Lim. And I lost my virginity in Zac Posen's hot tub on Fire Island. What trends are you seeing now?
BM: The thing that's going to be a hit for fall is...

OP: Great. That's all I need.
BM: What? You wouldn't even let me say...

OP: I'm leaving. Bye.

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

The suspect Johnny "Dangerous" Ajar, is thought to be the friend of the teenage bandits who helped them fence their heisted wares. Ajar has been in hiding since the case broke. A search warrant executed on his home, however, turned up a cache of guns and prescription drugs, leading the police to warn that the fugitive was armed and dangerous.

Well the manhunt is at an end, thanks the sleuthing of Friend of Gawker Mark Ebner, currently on assignment for Maxim. Missing since the story broke, Ajar turned up today on Ebner's site, Hollywood Interrupted, talking with him in a video. Wearing a Raiders cap and soul patch, Ajar confirms his identity, denies that he is dangerous, and says that he will be turning himself in to police today, accompanied by his attorney and Ebner.

Speaking with Ebner, he tells us that the trio will make their appearance before the law at the LAPD Hollywood Division, Wilcox station today between noon and 2p m Pacific time. And at last the giants of Young Hollywood will be able to sleep well knowing the last of the gang is in the hands of justice.

• What may be Miramax's last great premiere took place last night at the AFI Festival, celebrating the debut of Everybody's Fine, the news dramedy starring Robert De Niro, and the company appears to be going out with something less than a roar. There were early hopes that the film might give Miramax — and De Niro — one last Oscar hurrah. HItfix reports however, that "the film a mess in so many ways that neither the legendary actor or the stars who play his children — Sam Rockwell, Drew Barrymore and Kate Beckinsale — can save it." [Hitfix]

• The natives are getting restless and the drumbeat grows ever louder for the NBC/Universal Comcast deal. In their quarterly earnings reports, Comcast reported their profits were up 22 percent, bringing to a crescendo pleas that they just go ahead and buy NBC already and end our long showbiz-wide nightmare of suspense. [Variety]

• At the other end of the spectrum, Time-Warner was the beneficiary of low expectations. Its profits fell 38 percent last quarter, which remarkably was above expectations and led the company to raise its earnings projections for the year. [Hollywood Reporter]

• There may be signs of life in that old DVD market yet. The Wrap reports that after the huge success of the Transformers 2 DVD release, analysts are optimistic about the upcoming crop of blockbuster home releases to fuel strong sales. [The Wrap]

• The American Film Market, where US independent filmmakers peddle their wares for international distributors, opened yesterday and Variety saw hopes that the expo may be coming out of the doldrums it has been in in recent years. In addition to a line-up of films made by and featuring some heavy-hitters, Variety says the worldwide success of a handful of indie films — including Slumdog Millionaire — has created a more favorable climate. [Variety]

• Gerard Butler will star in the directorial debut of actor Ralph Fiennes, a modern adaptation of Shakespeare's Coriolanus. [Hollywood Reporter]

Scientology refugee Marc Headley has written a book called Blown For Good—featuring a dramatic, action-scene-type cover—detailing his 15 years of work inside Scientology. The Village Voice interviewed him about his 1990 "auditing" session performed by Days of Thunder-era Tom Cruise himself.

"You do a lot of things with a book and a bottle," Headley says. "It's known as the book-and-bottle routine." Cruise, he says, would instruct Headley to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or otherwise to move somewhere.

"You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too," he says. "You tell the ashtray, 'Sit in that chair.' Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours."

This was supposed " to get your intention over to the bottle...to rehabilitate your ability to control things." Well then. Tom Cruise can control books and bottles with his mind and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Headley also says that there are only about 10,000 Scientologists in the whole world. They could be whupped by the Unitarians!
[Village Voice. Pic by Richard Blakeley]

1. "This B+/A- list closeted television actress from a hit network drama was having drama of her own in the bathroom as her girlfriend was complaining that she felt left out and wanted to meet our actress' friends. Our actress kept her head on a swivel while trying to keep the conversation as quiet as possible. The girlfriend is very, very young and a gorgeous blonde." [CDaN]

2. "Which comedian has a penchant for rent boys? The comic regularly orders £1,000-a-night lads - but is always polite enough to offer them a cup of tea after. Your extra clue: Not many funny men could afford this." [UK Mirror]

3. "This C+/B- list television actress formerly on one of the most interesting shows of all time which is still on the air went around the event asking almost everyone if they had just a little bump of coke she could have to get through the night. Our actress is in the midst of a career transition." [CDaN]

4. "Two Actresses (both who can sing) were competing for a movie role. The movie involves singing and the role has now been filled. We have now heard that the reason one actress was chosen over the other for the upcoming film had little to do with talent. The one with that landed the coveted role has a ‘history' with the director and threatened to reveal some dirt on him if she wasn't cast. Coincidence? We think not. Not Anne Hathaway." [BuzzFoto]

5."Whenever we look at this actress' face, we think "she looks weird". Are her cheeks higher? Did she get her eyes lifted? Are her boobs larger? Is it the frozen Botoxed forehead? The Restylane-pumped lips? Actually, it's all but one of the above. Girl, where are your parents? Are they actually encouraging this? If you feel the necessity to get all this plastic work done while you are still young and pretty, we're expecting that by the time you hit 40, you are going to look like a freak show act. We actually thought you earned jobs because you had talent, but who can focus on your acting when you are starting to look like an alien?" [Blind Gossip]

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been picked to jointly host the Academy Awards telecast.

Earlier today, a large number of hard-core Twitter dorks — sorry, "influencers!" — noticed DeGeneres was following their accounts. Many were flattered, followed back and tweeted about it. "I am looking fwd to being a guest... now that she is following me," one wrote. But DeGeneres wasn't making friends; she was on a rampage. Near the start of the spamming, she was following 6,100, according to the notification one influencer received after DeGeneres followed him (see below, with the name changed). Within a couple of hours, she was up to nearly 6,700.

How did DeGeneres suddenly find 600 geeks to follow? Closely-watched Silicon Valley blogger and marketing specialist Louis Gray figured out the answer: Lists. Of the many lists already out there, the most popular include several lists of "influencers" and "thought leaders" and so forth. In other words: A celebrity twitterer's social media "consultant's" dream, and an effective way to load up on followers without following just anyone. DeGeneres' need friends just happen to line up with those on the top lists. Go figure!

It's one thing for everyone to be famous for 15 minutes. But it's starting to look like everyone will be a fame broker for a period, too, on the internet. Maybe channeling fame will pay better than obtaining it.

No doubt realizing they are being goaded (or perhaps not) the decency police haven't taken to the streets lately over Girl's debauchery. But when it comes to threesomes on the airwaves, no man is an island. According to a letter obtained by The Wrap, the decency police of the Parents Television Council have taken issue with Gossip Girl's plans to feature a teenage menage a trois in an upcoming episode. The letter, addressed to the CW network's affiliate stations reminds them they have the option to reject network programming, especially three-way-themed programming, and chillingly warns that should they carry the offending show, they will bear their share of any FCC fines that may be levied.

The letter states (their angry capitalization included):

Gossip Girl routinely depicts teenage characters engaging in promiscuous and consequence-free sexual behavior, and that's bad enough. But will you now be complicit in establishing a precedent and expectation that teenagers should engage in behaviors heretofore associated primarily with adult films? Behaviors that not only increase health risks, but which are emotionally and psychologically damaging to participants, as well? I certainly hope not, and I'm sure members of your community and parents of children who watch your network expect more of you.

May I also remind you that it is the affiliate, not the CW network, that will bear the financial burden of an FCC fine should any of the content of the November 9th episode be found to violate broadcast decency laws.

Finally, you must ask yourself, how does airing this program serve your obligation to serve the public interest? In a declaratory ruling last year, the FCC affirmed affiliates' ability to pre-empt any network programming that is "unsatisfactory or unsuitable or contrary to the public interest." The record on this is clear: contracts between networks and their affiliates may not legally prevent preemption of programming that does not meet LOCAL COMMUNITY standards.

Although the PTC has not yet seen the episode in question, they learned from an Entertainment Weekly story about the show's degenerate threesome scheming. The Wrap, however, confirmed that their fears are warrantd. Their gleeful giggling reading through the statement, CW officials confirmed, "that the Nov. 9 show will end with three characters in a tryst. Flashbacks from their menage-a-OMG will air in future episodes."

Life may well be a frolic and laughter may in fact be calling for you, but while the culture war rages on, it better be planning to keep at least six feet on floor at all times.

The LA Times' Patrick Goldstein reports that to cheer up the agency, pertually reeling from wave after wave of media bad news, Emanuel distributed to his team copies of a 1970 Life Magazine featuring a cover story entitled, "Goodby to the Glory Days: Hollywood puts its past up for sale." The story focused on Paramount's CEO at the time, the legendary maniacal wheeler-dealer Charles Bludhorn and his attempts to cut costs and rid his studio of its his big-ticket talent contracts.

Emanuel's message in passing this issue out to his fellow agents was of course, you see, the fools have tried to cut costs before, but the march of eternally-spiraling salaries (and the agency's cut) is a force of nature that nothing, not man, nor beast, nor robber baron, nor multinational corporation can contain.

After the late 60's near meltdown of the industry, Hollywood was saved by a new generation of blockbuster makers coming out of film schools who eventually learned to apply their serious study of cinematic history and theory to making zillion dollar versions of B-serials. What similar brave leap forward
lies over the horizon we can only dare to dream.

The move creates a fabulous new ladder of ascent for aspiring young dreamers looking to scale the heights of the LA swanky cocktail party-centric web journalism.

The Grazer Cultural Attaché slot is one of Hollywood's most-fabled sinecures. The job as it, has been described, focuses around bringing in the great thinkers of the land to meet with the greatest producer of our times for a free-wheeling meeting of the minds. Past great minds wrangled over the years are said to include Jonas Salk, Edward Teller and author Malcolm Gladwell as well as less renowned professors and thinktank dwellers who've been wheedled into showing off their knowledge wares beneath Grazer's Beverly Hills throne.

While the responsibility of genius-wrangling has been traditionally assigned to a one (or in recent months, a couple) Imagine employees, former workers describe the process as consuming the entire office, with all employees brainstorming and submitting a list of names for Grazer himself to whittle down.

In May of last year, when Brad Grossman, Grazer's former CA stepped down, an email seeking his successor was widely circulated and reported on. The email contained the following job description:

This person would be responsible for keeping Brian abreast of everything that's going on in the world; politically, culturally, musically... They're also responsible for finding an interesting person for Brian to meet with every week... an astronaut, a journalist, a philosopher, a buddhist monk... There is LOTS of reading for this position! Grazer may ask you to read any book he's interested in. You'll probably get to read about 4 or 5 books a week and you may be required to travel with him on his private plane to Hawaii, New York, Europe-teaching him anything he asks you about along the way... You will also be provided with an assistant... Salary is around $150,000 a year... You will be to Grazer what Karl Rove was to Bush.

The task of finding his own "architect" however, finding a mind worthy of the being his personal Karl Rove, may have been too much for the The Klumps producer. Grazer gave an interview to, ironically, to the Huffington Post last December in which he claimed himself attaché-free. He said:

That was sort of a joke title. I've been out meeting different people, I have a record, for 24 years, of meeting someone every two weeks. It helps inform your filter and hopefully informs your taste. I don't have anyone that's doing that for me right now. I use a couple of my assistants and I just say 'hey, can I meet so-and-so' and then we work on it or I'll call them myself, but I don't have a person that does that any longer.

Considering to whom he was speaking, Grazer may just have been wanting to hide his attaché from Arianna's potentially poaching claws. Whether the title was formally bestowed upon him or not, sources tell us that Silverman, who had been Grazer's assistant, was in fact acting in the Karl Rovean role. For a cultural attaché to leap out of that heady role after little more than a year at most, seems a bit abrupt, but perhaps once you have tasted the air at those heights, it is hard not to climb ever higher, right into the eagle's nest of all showbiz self-congratulation, The Huffington Post.

On the show, it is definitely a space lizard (maybe Balloon Boy's dad's conspiracy theories about lizard people were right all along!), but like a Chicago Tribune review by Glenn Garvin points out, it could also be about our nerd president.

Welcome to ABC's "V," the most fascinating and bound to be the most controversial new show of the fall television season. Nominally a rousing sci-fi space opera about alien invaders bent on the conquest (and digestion) of all humanity, it's also a barbed commentary on Obamamania that will infuriate the president's supporters and delight his detractors.

Anna is the beautiful and charming leader of the aliens—knows as V's because they are visitors—and she tells the world that her people can fix everything that is wrong with society. She has the liberal media brainwashed, and they all go along with stories about how great and wonderful she is. Of course, there is a fringe group who rebel against her and want to expose them as the evil-doing, reptile skinned, foreigners that they really are. Of course, these are the heroes of the show. Wow, that really does sound like the teabaggers! There's even a religious rebel named Father Jack, which is basically an anagram of George W. Bush.

It certainly wouldn't be new for a sci-fi series to be an allegory about modern society (Battlestar Galactica, anyone?) but it would be sort of odd for a sci-fi show on a major network to give credence to tactics and delusions of the far right. The birthers will be lapping up a show about a foreign-born president who comes to snatch society out of their clutches, and Glenn Back and his cronies will love to see a media that is overtaken by liberals and keeps the truth away from the "real Americans." But what will everyone else think?

The sci-fi culture usually veers to the left in its political allegory (again, see Battlestar or this summer's upbeat Star Trek that was an endorsement for the hopeful future that the Obama administration promised to usher in). The original 1983 miniseries that the show is based on was an anti-fascist message that preyed on "the aliens are coming, the aliens are coming" invasion fears of the Cold War. This is what it has been warped into. We find it hard to believe that thinly-veiIed conservative propaganda will find a strong foothold with the core sci-fi audience, and as for those leaning to the right, they tend to like their entertainment much more straightforward. Why try to figure out what all those lizard people mean when they can just watch Jack Bauer bash people's heads in on 24? That's their idea of fun.

Our prognosis, keep picking on the president and the only letters that V will get are D.O.A.

Since losing their brand, life hasn't been right for the Brothers Weinstein. Could a name change though really bring back that magical English Patient era?

• Their company may be ailing, but Weinsteins are ready to make a play to get their name back. The Wrap reports that Harvey and Bob are preparing a pitch to Robert Iger to buy back their old Miramax brand now that Disney has all but shuttered the division. When they left Disney, The Wrap reports, Michael Eisner refused out of spite to let them take the name — which is a hybrid of the Weinsteins' parent's names - with them. But with Disney now under less vengeance driven management the Weinsteins hope is that the time be be ripe for an historic reunion . [The Wrap]

• George Clooney is reportedly "circling the lead" role in the long awaited new film by Sideways and Election director Alexander Payne, a family drama/comedy entitled The Descendents. [Variety]

• Suggesting that Oscar's new producers may be taking a step away from from the Hugh Jackman mold, Nikki Finke reports that the hosting job has been offered to and turned down by both Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr. Which means there is only one Tropic Thunder star left to host...Jack Black, your day of destiny has arrived. [Deadline]

• Hollywood is saved! In earnings season, Viacom reported "better-than-expected third-quarter profit gains thanks to improved theatrical film and TV advertising trends, as well as cost controls." Marvel however, ruined the party by reporting lower profits in Q3, as they had no theatrical releases last quarter. Thanks for nothing Marvel. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Sony Classics has picked up the US rights to Mother and Child a drama about three women and their children, which received gushing reviews when it debuted at the Toronto Film Festival in September. [Variety]

• Diversity is at last coming to late night TV. Fifteen years after Arsenio Hall went off the air, the next few weeks will see the debuts of talk shows built around George Lopez (TBS), Wanda Sykes (Fox) and Mo'Nique (BET). [The Wrap]

• The Atrios are in! The casting society of America handed out their annual awards at a banquet last night, giving top honors to Star Trek, Mad Men, Up and Milk. Kath and Kim's John Michael Higgins hosted the fete. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Most brilliantly understated headline of the morning: "Paranormal Activity sequel a possibility. Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman reveals Tuesday." Yes, well there is always that chance that Viacom has decided they've made enough money this decade. [Hollywood Reporter]

• The unsinkable Jim Belushi juggernaut rolls on. The According to Jim vet has signed up with Diane English and Barry Levinson to create a courtroom TV drama based on famed defense attorney Mickey Sherman. [Variety]

Last night, Nate's cousin Trip was elected the only prepubescent member of the House of Representatives ever. The only thing exciting about that is that his crazy wife made the biggest power play of the evening, setting up a fake drowning to get both Nate and his meddlesome grandfather out of their lives. Brilliant. Why couldn't Blair do something like that instead of just messing with some lousy hooker. Still, on this hour of the caviar wishes and champagne nightmares of New York's upperclass, there were plenty of shifty dynamics.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Should have known better than to let Blair parade around in that gold metalic number: -2
Power Play: Why didn't Blair turn to her when she needed a friend?: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: 39
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: This man does wonders for a pinstriped suit and a bowtie: +3, Puts the Vanderbilt campaign in a hotel suite with a picture of a girl's crotch wearing panties: -3
Personality Flaw: Knows prostitutes: -1, On second thought, we think it's pretty awesome that Chuck knows lots of hookers: +3
Power Play: Pleases the Vanderbilts: +1, Can't control anyone at his party: -2, Is getting the hostile media to like his hotel: +1, Stands by when Blair gets caked: -1
Quip: "Ladies, this is a classy party, not some sample sale at an outlet mall": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Really loves Blair: +1, Let's Blair clean the cake out of her hair by herself, not by washing it out in the tub for her Out of Africa style: -2
Total: 1
Season to Date: 23
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Extracurricular Activities: Everything about the "sneak peek" of Leighton Meester's music video—the glittery outfit, the clown makeup, the giant hair, looking like a Britney Spears rip off. Just no: -6
Fashion Points: That hideous gold dress and matching coat: -2, Apparently wears all the same clothes as a hooker: -2
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know that Brandeis is clearly a call girl or stripper name: -1
Power Play: Has no friends now that she pissed off Serena: -2, Knows the difference between friends and staff: +1, Pretends she doesn't know Vanessa: +3, Plays frenemies with Serena: +1, Calls Serena a prostitute, because, hello!: +3, Serena lets her eat cake: -4, Thinks Serena is jealous of her because she's in college and has a hot boyfriend: +1, Calls out Serena for dating a poor and having a shitty job: +3
Quip: "No one ever accused [Serena] of saying no.": +1, "He's drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week.": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Only helps get Serena's drunk mess boyfriend out of the party to help Chuck: +2, Has no friends, only Chuck: -3, Things could be worse if your only ally is a sexy, well-dressed, rich power broker: +2
Social Schemes: Thinks about remaining friends with a hooker: +1, Ditches her as soon as she finds out that the skank used her to get rich clients: +2, Seriously, Blair Waldorf should be able to outsmart a hooker named Brandeis: -4
Total: -3
Season to Date: 10
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: That tie-dyed top would be bad enough even if the draping didn't make her boobs like like warped, deflated balloons: -2,
Personality Flaw: Is the go-to girl when people like Trip want to talk about nothing of substance: -3,
Power Play: Lands on Page Six: +1, It's the big story at the top of the page: +3, But no picture: -1, Running K.C.'s errands: -1, If she's only as good as her social network, then this girl is doomed: -1, Has no come back when Blair calls her a prostitute, because it's pretty on the nose: -3, Pushes Blair in a cake!: +6, Can't tell that Blair really misses her: -1, Apologizes to Blair by pointing out all of Blair's faults: +2 (for brazenness), Can't get Blair to reconcile: -1, Quits her stupid PR job: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Her fake boyfriend Patrick is sick hot: +2, She makes him put his clothes back on: -1, More than once: -2
Social Schemes: Ruining Nate is coming back to haunt her: -1, Tries to make up with Blair like grown ups: +2, Plays frenemies with Blair: +1, Let's a barely legal congressman buy her drinks when she's underage: -2, She can use that dirt against him: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Still looks good shirtless: +3
Power Play: That "Bathroom Boy" thing is a really lame story to be embarrassed by: -2, Gets name checked on Fallon: +3, It's still only Fallon: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Why is he spending the night in Olivia's dorm when he has a Brooklyn pussy den all to himself?: -2, Lighting a bunch of candles and telling a celebrity she thinks she's nifty continues to get him laid: +4, We saw their first date, and it was them rushing off for a slice, nothing having to do with bathrooms, sweating, hand dryers, spiders, or any of that other bullshit: -3
Total: 2
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Personality Flaw: Has had publicists so long, that she's bad at being herself: -1, Enjoys Humphrey Board Game Night: -1
Power Play: Can only get on Fallon: -2, Gets Fallon to apologize: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Falls for Dan's whole "candles in the pussy den" trick. Just because there is mood lighting doesn't mean it's any less of a pussy den: -2
Social Schemes: Gets stuck hanging out with Jenny when Dan storms out of the apartment: -2
Total: -7
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Looks even shittier in his shirt with no tie and rumpled manbangs standing next to Chuck: -1
Personality Flaw: Cowardly enough to stand by and watch as Trip rescues a guy: -2
Power Play: Thinks his grandfather won't play dirty: -1, Serena goes over his head and gets invited to Trip's party: -1, Helps Trip get elected: +4, Thinks a hottie like Trip needs something other than a good headshot to get elected: -1
Social Schemes: Figures out the hero thing is a scam. That must have made his brain bleed: +2, Screws Vanessa over by sending a fake agent to buy her video footage: +3, Bonus for screwing over Vanessa: +1, Tells Vanessa not to be self righteous. God, how many times have we said that!: +2, Takes the fall for Trip: +2, Plays right into his cousin-in-law's plan: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Personality Flaw: Indulges in his board game fixation: -3, Doesn't feed anyone: +3
Total: 0
Season to Date: -10
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Is meeting someone at Cafeteria. What is she, a gay man?: -1, If she were a gay man, she would know that the far superior elmo is just up the street: -1
Power Play: Is gone so much, Dan is getting mad laid: +2 (cause that's what friends are for), Gets Vanderbilt access: +1, Sells her rescue footage: +2, But only to NY1: -2
Social Schemes: Uncovers the "hero" scam: +2, Tells Nate about it instead of acting: -2, Let's Nate fool her into selling the footage to the wrong person: -2, Exposes the whole scam: +5, Only on NY1: -1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Realizes that not everyone wants to play board games all the time. Hallelujah!: +7, Forgot that she had a little gay son again: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -37
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Looks better pale, sick, and in her bathrobe than in one of her trashy outfits: +1
Personality Flaw: Get's to play a board game: +3
Power Play: Her computer clues Dan off to "Bathroom Boy": -1, Her brother's celeb girlfriend still wants to hang with her even though she's sick and her brother storms out: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -44
Power Position: Up

1. "Two marriages. Two cheats. Two men kicked to the curb. Actually from what I heard the first one may have been literally kicked to the curb. The first marriage involves a celebutard and his B list actress wife on a hit television show. He cheats almost constantly and doesn't care who knows it. He knows that his wife doesn't want to be seen as a failure so he takes advantage of that and keeps on cheating. The second marriage is even easier to guess than the first. Actor and a singer. What you might not know though is that the actor has been to scared to even cross paths with his wife except in the most public of places for fear that she will go off on him physically and verbally. To say that she is going through this event quietly would be very wrong. In fact, just this morning everyone in LaGuardia airport could hear her yelling at him on the phone." [CDaN]

2. "This movie actress has been very vocal to inner circle about her clock ticking. She wants to be a bride and have a baby with her current famous beau, ASAP – not necessarily in that order. One warning to the guy: Don't be a fool. She doesn't really love you. This is all a game to her. She is actually telling friends and family that she thinks you're an idiot – but a moldable, rich, famous, good-looking idiot who brings her more attention than she can get as a solo act. She will date you at the peak of your fame, and will lose you as soon as your star fades. Then again, we don't know why we are warning him about her, when he is almost as bad as her." [Blind Gossip]

3. "When the idea for this show was invented, there were a lot of people who believed in it. They were worried about getting the concept out there, and even more worried that the networks wouldn't think it worth their time to produce it. To get this new show off the ground, the creators did a little ‘creative accounting' to fund the project. They cooked the books a little in order to get the network to pick up on it. Now that this show is a hit, the Production company is scrambling to pay off debts and get things back in order before someone finds out. Not an NBC show." [BuzzFoto]

4. "Which celeb hides a secret drinking problem by pouring bottles of vodka into water jugs? Your extra clue: But who taught her that trick?" [UK Mirror]

It's been a decade since the Blair Witch Project became the first film made for under a dollar-fifty to earn its makers enough money to buy their own zip codes. Back when the great day happened it was supposed to usher in a new era of dreamers with phone cams replacing big money cinematographers, and the studios just signing up some 10th graders to distribution deals and then walking around America with big barrels to fill up with cash.

Well we all know how that turned out, ten years later we sit on the near collapse of the independent film sector, Transformers 2 is the highest grossing film of the year, and there hasn't been another film since to replicate Blair's success.

Like the Apollo missions, Blair Witch seemed not a first step into a new world, but a fun-to-watch, ultimately kinda silly trip just to hit golf balls on a rock that just floats around the Earth. And as Apollo was followed by the catastrophe-prone shuttle missions, so have all the attempts to replicate the Blair dream led to heartbreak and devastation of the lives of young dreamers, who maybe shoulda just gone to dental school like their parents wanted them to in the first place.

So with that history, this year, when finally another DIY'er in the shape of Paranormal Activity broke through, one can forgive the world for forgetting we've been down this road before. But the Blair's makers haven't forgotten. In a new interview with the Toronto Star, Blair director Eduardo Sanchez said that he is seizing the new no-budget moment to get back in the game and make a new Blair film. (There was actually already misbegotten sequel which attempted to cash in on the original's success, with which Sanchez was not involved.)

Sanchez has been working with his original partner Daniel Myrick on a treatment involving the characters from the original.

Sánchez wants to use a technique he calls "mixed first-person," which would mean less reliance on the Blair Witch innovation – now a cinematic cliché – of having the protagonists speak directly into their fidgety cameras. He laughed when he saw Cloverfield, another Blair Witch wannabe, and the characters never dropped their video camera even when being chased by a Godzilla-like monster.

The closest he's seen to the mixed first-person technique he seeks is District 9, the summer '09 sci-fi hit that begins in documentary style before segueing into a conventional thriller. Sánchez hopes to first try the mixed style with Possessed, a low-budget horror he's also involved in, which he promises will "show things that have not been seen before. Hopefully audiences will dig it."

Tragically, sadly, watching Paranormal's success from his home in Canada, he tells the Star"We're at the step where we're about to pitch to Lionsgate, which owns the movie rights now. It's pretty much up to them. They can completely squash it or greenlight it."

[Via aintitcoolnews.com]

[Tells some story of this girl in a bar who totally loves him, like, so much, but doesn't know about the movie]. I mean, when someone who identifies themselves as a huge fan, who has read the book and passed it to their friends and self-identifies as this type of person, when the movie is IN THEATERS and they don't even know there is a movie at all…that is a complete failure in the publicity and marketing of the movie...
I don't want to go through it, because it'll just be depressing, but the failures in marketing were just…big. Unrecoverable.

I would have guessed "Because it was awful." But I'm no Tucker Max.
[Pic: Flickr]

The Financial Times reports that the rights to the Terminator kingdom — films, TV shows, ringtones, pajamas, you name it — will be put on the block this month, with Sony the front-runner to take home the goods.

While the original films, and T2 in particular, were powerhouse earners in their day, after the franchise lay dormant for a decade, attempts to reboot have been spotty.

2003's Terminator 3 did not turn out to be the artistic or box-office bomb that many feared, but shortly after that film's release producer Mario Kassar sold off the franchise to the all-but-unknown unknown Halcyon Entertainment, which created a forgettable TV series and an abysmal McG directed film, Terminator Salvation.

Halcyon has now been driven to Chapter 11, which led to the court-directed auction of its assets, primarily poor forgotten Terminator.

Fortunately for the sad little franchise, any idea that has any sort of merchandiseable juice behind it is nothing to be sneezed by a teetering Hollywood, grabbing for any thin reed they can. And in fact, despite being battered and bruised, Terminator remains a fairly lucrative cash cow, with the full Salvation take, all told - international, DVD, etc at more than $375 million. A few weeks ago the Mutant Ninja Turtles sold off for $60 million and it certainly seems plausible that
Terminator could fetch a higher price tag than that.

And with Arnold leaving the Governor's office in just over a year... it might be time for the world to say "Hasta la vista baby" all over again.

In the killing fields of NBC chatland, what little peace and stability had been achieved was just been blown to smithereens by a little hint dropped by Jay Leno, that, oh yes, now that you mention it, he'd be willing to take his old slot back.

Pity poor Conan O'Brien; his ratings are off 47 percent from Jay's, competing not just against Leno's legacy but Letterman's ongoing scandal. And then his lead-off batter, in a Q&A with Broadcasting and Cable, drops this:

If someone [from new ownership] comes in tomorrow and puts you back at 11:35, are you thrilled?

Oh, I don't know. Are you married? Whatever you want, honey.

You know I don't believe a word you are saying, right?

I'm not having a bad time at 10 o'clock now. I look at this as a job, and now I'm faced with a challenge, and it's a challenge I find difficult but interesting. I find that when I go to Vegas, whereas before I might not sell out, all of a sudden it's sold out. I seem to be doing better in terms of public appearances. I am reaching a wider audience. Whether that translates to television just yet, I don't know. But I see a difference.

Now why is that, because I'm in the paper every day? I don't know. Because I'm on earlier? I'm actually doing well; this is almost the best year for personal appearances since I started. So there is no negativity there.

Do you want to go back to 11:35?

If it were offered to me, would I take it? If that's what they wanted to do, sure. That would be fine if they wanted to.

If you are Conan O'Brien reading the above, it might occur to you that that 11:30 slot to which Jay is graciously willing to return is the one that you currently occupy.

Elsewhere in the interview, Jay shows himself to be startingly self-aware of the differences between himself and Letterman, and delivering a sort of triple backhanded compliment, saying of Dave's current scandal:

He's not being a hypocrite; Dave has never set himself up as [a model citizen]. If it were me, it would kill me. I'm the guy who's been married 29 years. But Dave has never pretended to be Mr. Moral America, he's never set himself up that way. He's not a hypocrite. I don't know how it will be viewed. He doesn't do corporate days like me, he's not as advertiser-friendly as I am. I'm the guy when Coke or Pepsi is here, I come down and shake hands and take pictures, but he doesn't do that. I don't think it will have a big effect at all.

All this occurs as the backdrop to the ratings horror show of the Leno experiment. The moment we would see the genius of the whole plan, NBC had promised, was when the other networks dramatic shows went into reruns, and there would be low-cost Jay with fresh shows to come in and clean up. Well, last week Jay had his first head-to-head against reruns and the results were not pretty. Leno actually hit his lowest number yet against a CSI: Miami repeat.

And elsewhere, the Leno lead-in seems to be pulling down local news shows across the nation.

So just to sum up the Ben Silverman legacy: NBC has decimated one of its three prime-time hours, its affiliates news shows are sinking, its late night line-up is staggering along at half the viewership of a year ago, and now its 11:30 host must once again watch his back against his network teammate.

The one thing that can be said in this whole arrangement's favor is that NBC getting out of the drama business is probably a great thing for NBC and, certainly a great thing for America. It may not be a law of nature that the big networks are incapable of launching decent dramas, but it certainly looks that way at the moment, and extra-certainly does so for NBC which just surrendered the acclaimed Southland to basic cable. Until the network figures out a way to produce shows that seem to have been created in the same space-time continuum as the HBO shows, Mad Men, Damages and even Lost or 24, it is probably better for everyone that they just sit out a few games.

At times it seems like Mad Men—our favorite historical drama about the personal and professional lives of retro ad men—is populated by a bunch of selfish egoists who only care about themselves. But, then again, so is life, so it makes sense that when a national tragedy strikes, everyone reverts back to the basic foundations of their personality to deal with the news. Their coping mechanisms say more about how these individuals deal with their own lives than they do with the passing of the president.

Despair and Confusion: When the president is killed, people are naturally going to be upset because, well, it's sad, and it upsets the natural order of things. We're used to a hierarchical structure of government with someone at the top who is wise and strong and who will protect us when bad things happen. When an event occurs to disrupt that, we begin to question not only our safety, but everything about our lives and the fragility of our happiness. That leads to confusion, and confusion often leads to clarity, but it always leads to rash acts.

This plays out beautifully with beautiful, beautiful Betty, whose fragile shell cracks when she learns the news. She puts herself to bed and withdraws even further from her family. For her, Kennedy being shot is her way of dealing with Don confessing the truth of his past. The strong, handsome man she can trust has been murdered, and she is sad because her life has been ruined. The pretty fairy tale facade that she tries so hard to cultivate has been nothing but an illusion, and when she wakes up from her dream, she finds a very scary reality: she is deeply unhappy.

That shouldn't be too much of a shock to her, but when the only stability in her life—the cool control that Don exerts over her—is subverted by the disclosure of his past, she has to find some way to recover. Initially, she lets Don control her again. At the wedding, she accepts that everything is going to be OK, because Don tells her that it will. When the ill-fated reception is over, Betty (in a rather dowdy dress that Michael Kors from Project Runway would describe as "mother-of-the-bride") is walking towards both Don and Henry, her object of unfulfilled desire. She chooses Don, hoping that, like he says, everything will go back to normal shortly.

Then, Oswald is shot by Jack Ruby in front of America, and Betty freaks out again. Passively listening to Don isn't going to work anymore, and she needs something else—someone else—to satisfy her.

Selfishness: Naturally, some of the characters are only worried about how the assassination is going to affect them. Most notably is Roger's daughter, who finds out about the news and cries, in her wedding dress, that the ceremony will be ruined. Damn right, sister.

Pete is the king of selfishness and uses the whole incident as a substitute for his unhappiness at Sterling Cooper. We start off the episode and hear that he's being demoted from co-head of accounts with Ken to a lesser position. Ken will be the new head of accounts, and Pete will be working under him. How their jobs are different, we don't quite know, but we do know that Pete lost. Well-bred and ambition, Pete is distraught because he thinks that he deserves the job more than the stupid yahoo Ken, who still manages to succeed in spite of himself. Ken is Lydon Johnson to his Kennedy, at least in his own warped mind.

On an aside, we're still not quite sure why the office was freezing when Pete got the news of his demotion (the cold shoulder?) and sweltering when Don blew his top about not having an art director (hot headed?). Maybe it just shows that no one has control in the office anymore, not only over their own careers but also of the environment itself.

Back to Pete, who deals with the news by pouting and eating cereal and getting drunk, which is exactly how he copes with the president being murdered. "I felt for a second like everything was about to change," Pete says about the Democrat's death, but he really means about his own station following his promotion at the beginning of the year. He says he's so upset that he's not going to the wedding. Trudy (who may have better style than even Betty Draper, but she definitely had better hats), tries to get Pete to go, because he has to play the game of office politics. But eventually this Lady MacBeth relents, and they are the only ones conspicuously absent from the party.

Trudy realized the same thing Pete did, he may still have a job, but he is done at the firm. Ken won and he will be the one on the rise, while Pete's career will fester in middle management until he dies. He is using the excuse of the president's death to get out of a social obligation, just like he will soon get himself out of the firm. We bet the first thing he does on Tuesday is call Duck for a job.

Pull the Plug: While waiting for Peggy to arrive for their "nooner," an invitation that she brazenly accepted in front of Paul, Duck hears the news of the attack on the TV. When there's a knock on the door, instead of saying "Hey, check this out," he pulls the plug on the television so that Peggy won't hear and he'll still get to have sex. When the romp is done, he starts thinking about it again. When he and Peggy hear that the President has been killed, he reacts by thinking first of his children. Peggy doesn't see that this relationship, for him, is primarily about sex, which is sad, because she seems to be falling for him.

Like Duck (who looks much better with his clothes off than we imaged he would, not that we ever imagined it before we saw it, but still), Peggy has pulled the plug, and would rather have a relationship than deal with the news that it's not right with Duck. We find out that she has been having lunch with him often and that he's been spending nights in her apartment, that is starting to smell like his aftershave. It seems like Peggy wants their relationship to become something more, especially when we find her in the office at the end of the episode.

Rather than dealing with the president's death, she goes in to work to pretend like it isn't happening. Also, she has been displaced from her life. She says that her apartment is full of her roommate's friends being frivolous, and her mother's house is too full of her mother and her emotions, so she heads into the office. Peggy is ready for the next step. She doesn't want to be at home with her domineering mother or living the single life with a bunch of giggling office girls, she wants to be playing house with Duck. Obviously, that's not going to work, and she's going to end up married to her job. And as the door closes on a sad, lonely Don drinking in the dark while the nation mourns, we get a little snapshot into Peggy's future.

Life Goes On: Just because the president has been killed, does that mean everything should stop. Roger certainly doesn't think so, and refuses to cancel his daughter's wedding, just days after the event. Of course, no one shows, and all his employees who do—which is everyone but Pete—is in the kitchen watching the television, along with Roger's child bride, who would rather hide out than deal with the stepdaughter who can barely disguise her contempt for her new mother.

When he returns home drunk from the reception with his very drunk wife (this is the second time we've seen her get shitfaced beyond belief), he gets on the phone with Joan. Just last week we saw Roger asserting his happiness with Jane, is that starting to sour already? First, he is pissed off with her for going to lunch with his daughter (an anger than makes the Misses just as mad), then for hanging in the kitchen, and then for being a mess.

Of course, Saint Joan is beautiful, patient, and sober and offering very sage advice on the other end of the phone. Life is happening, she tells Roger. Mourn as you will—both the president, and his unpopular decision to dump his wife for a young secretary—but that doesn't mean that the world is going to stop for you. And she will not allow any joking about this. Oh no, mister.

Life hasn't stopped for Joanie, who seems to be doing well with Doctor Rapist, who is off working in the E.R. now that he joined the Army. She's at home being the happy housewife, or so it seems. Making the best out of a bad situation and keeping a cool head. That's our girl. Let's just see how long this is going to last.

Control: Like always, Don tries to exert control over the situation when everyone is mourning the president. He does the right thing and tells his television-addicted future hippie daughter and future Studio 54 denizen son that everything is going to be OK. He tries to do the same thing to Betty, but, at the end of the night, he's borrowing one of her sleeping pills to forget the pain inside.

Initially Betty reverts to her old behavior, letting Don have the upper hand, but when his control is shattered by the unpredictability of world events, she goes running to Henry. She makes a quick excuse to get out of the house and meets him in her car, the seat of their last act of intimacy, but instead of kissing through the window, he is now invited in. "Have you thought there are other ways to live?" he asks her. Well, thanks mister, now she has. And rather than just patting her hand, sending her to bed, and telling her it will be fine, Henry says he would do something for her to cheer her up, like take her to see her favorite movie. She tells us it is Singing in the Rain—romantic, escapist fare, no surprise there.

The scary thing is that Henry tells Betty he wants to marry her. Haven't they only met a handful of times and shared two kisses, and he wants to talk about marriage? That is just crazy talk. But she buys it. She trades in one controlling man for another, even though this one might be a slightly more benign model, but wouldn't he say anything to convince her to leave her husband for him?

Thoughts of running away with Henry and being happy in her head, she returns home to confront Don. The scene plays out like Betty is still reacting to Kennedy's death, but now we see that she is really talking to Don about how he's lied to her and cheated on her for years. She wants to scream at him for ruining "all this," and by that she presumably means not their happiness, because both of them have scant amounts of that, but the illusion that they are the perfect family. Betty can't pretend anymore, and now she knows that she doesn't love him.

She drops that bomb like a scratch to the face. Like always, Don tries to control her, saying that she'll get over it and everything will be fine. But the passive, docile, and confused Betty of yore is gone, and it no longer works. Instead of trying to work things out with her, Don pulls away, letting her stew in her unhappiness which will no doubt only drive her into Henry's arms—more as a reaction to Don than because of how nice Henry's guns most certainly are. And that's where we leave it, going into next week's season finale, with Don drinking alone in the dark, his distraught wife at home alone hating him, in an office where he can't even control the temperature.