Well, surprise surprise Katie Holmes is not pregnant after all:
[www.hollyscoop.com]

#tips #katieholmes #xenu #suri #tomcruise #chrisklein

ZeroDius

• George Clooney was getting tanked drinking out of a flask on the red carpet. That may explain his behavior, but it isn't a justification for his mullet. When he started making mean faces during the program, we thought for sure it was going to be part of a gag later on, but it either never happened or he was just pissed off. Maybe he ran out of his contraband appletinis. [E! Online]
• 
  
• Hollywood is afraid of terrorists. How do we know? Apparently the Vanity Fair Oscar party had bomb sniffing dogs and ex-CIA agents dressed up as waiters in case something went horribly awry. Maybe this year they thought Al Qaeda were especially threatened because some Olympians were in attendance. Shaun White wore an outfit only slightly less ridiculous than his snowboarding costume, and Evan Lysacek brought Vera Wang as his beard date. Of course, all the celebs still showed and partied, but the whole time they were looking over their shoulders for Osama bin Laden himself to come in and grab Graydon Carter by the lapel and ask where his invitation was. All he really wants is to be recognized for his work. [P6]
• 
  
• Sandra Bullock, stop trying to make us like you! First you gave the Platonic ideal of a great Oscar speech, then we found out that you showed up on Saturday night to the Golden Raspberries to accept your award for Worst Actress for All About Steve. Way to keep it real, sister.[P6]
• 
  
• At a luncheon on Saturday afternoon, Oprah Winfrey and Mo'Nique either made nice happy faces at one another, or Mo'Nique got so pissed at Oprah stealing her thunder that she pouted and forced the restaurant to be cleared so that she could shaker her booty to "What's Going On." [P6 , NYDN]
• 
  
• Nobody went to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences official New York party at the Palace Hotel. Maybe it's because of the scary appetizers. [P6]
• 
  
• Yes, you were right, they did leave Farrah Fawcett out of the And Now They're Dead montage at last night's Academy Awards. Don't worry, the happy memory of her work in Saturn 3 will live far longer than this snub. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams thinks Meryl Streep was robbed. God, I hate when I agree with her. [Cindy Adams]
• 
  
• Itty bitty Tom Cruise crashed his itty bitty motorcycle when he mistook his real life for Mission Impossible IV and ran a stop sign crashing into another car. He is lucky that Xenu is on his side and saving him from harm. [Hollywood Life]
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• "Prince William gives shitty gifts. Well, not really. He gave girlfriend Kate Middleton a pair of $28,000 antique pearl earrings, and they were eaten by her dog! Of course they eventually came out the other end, but were "damaged beyond repair." It sucks for whichever member of the royal staff was tasked with searching for the studs in order to make that assessment. [NYDN]
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[Image via Getty]

First and foremost, Scientology is nuts, and reading about its nutty, abusive cultishness never ceases to be fascinating. Laurie Goodstein's article focuses on Christie King and Chris Collbran, second-generation Scientologists raised in the church. As teens they joined Sea Org, the church's bizarre pseudo-navy, and signed the requisite billion-year contract "in keeping with the church's belief that Scientologists are immortal." Later, they became disillusioned by the abuses they witnessed, which included:

• Sea Org officers hitting and otherwise abusing subordinates, including teenage minors
• Working 16-hour days for $17/week
• Christie's parents spending so much money on Scientology, they couldn't afford to attend her wedding at Manhattan's Scientology Center
• Leaders lying about church membership to fool Sea Org staff into believing they were saving the world
• When Chris had doubts about Sea Org, the church assigned him to menial labor halfway around the world and blocked Christie's attempts to contact him for three months

• Physical beat-downs at the hands of church chairman David Miscavige
• Pressure to get abortions against their will (Sea Org members may not have children)
• Some members gave up to $1M to the church

• Sign false confessions about their private lives
• Pay the church $10,000 they "owed for courses and counseling"
• Become estranged from their loved ones, who, according to church doctrine, had to cut them off when they left
• Christie hid an intentional pregnancy until it was too late to abort, specifically to expedite her exit from Sea Org

But mostly, it's the St. Pete Times that wins here. With only a few weeks until the 2009 Pulitzers are announced, it's hard not to see the timing of Goodstein's piece as anything but accidental: the New York Times has just sent a clear endorsement of a Pulitzer for last year's blockbuster series by the St. Pete Times.

Defectors Say Church of Scientology Hides Abuses [NYT]
Scientology Gets Polite Slap on the Wrist from New York Times [VV]
The Truth Rundown [SPT]

Katie Holmes quietly reuniting with ex Chris Klein (aka Suri's real father)? more likely than you think:
[www.nowmagazine.co.uk]

#tips #katieholmes #chrisklein #tomcruise #suri

ZeroDius

• Katie Holmes has been spending a lot of time at the Hollywood Scientology Center, which means they are probably anointing the thousand sacrificial virgins necessary to spawn a second Suri Cruise Hubbard Jesus as we speak. Reports a Page Six embed: "This is exactly what happened just before she got pregnant with Suri. Tom has made no secret of the fact that he would like another baby." X17 made the same guess last week. Creepy as the collective Holmes-Cruise silent labors are, I cannot oppose a process that creates creatures this adorable. Besides, how do we know she's not gearing up to leave Tom, and is actually in the process of negotiating her freedom? You can do it, Katie! Gather your Suri and run. [P6] [X17]
• 
  
• Tiger's back in sex rehab, but not in Mississippi, says Page Six, which has the recovering addict getting "private therapy sessions out of a home in Cave Creek, Arizona." Biggest shocker: Elin was briefly staying with him in the sexual halfway home. This is the first (relatively) credibly sourced report of Tiger and Elin sleeping in the same domicile. But if it's his sexual halfway home, then he's probably still in the "plant" phase of "plant, pet, person," which means there was no make-up sex (can there ever be, given the circumstances?) so who knows where this is all going. [P6]
• 
  
• Jules Kirby, the High Society blonde who admits to using "the n-word" in the forthcoming reality show's trailer, came to her senses and realized she won't be the ingenue of this show (that's Tinsley Mortimer's job) but the villain. And so Jules refused to come to the premiere, and is being diva-ish and deliciously villain-y, already. [P6]
• 
  
• Paula Abdul isn't doing Dancing with the Stars, which is too bad for her because she could've snagged a $1M deal if she did it, but good for America because I am sick of ringers winning every season of DWTS. She's a professional dancer with a side of vocal chords. Putting her in an amateur dance competition is cheating. When it comes to televised competitions for washed-up celebrities, my code of ethics is strong. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Jude Law met his five-month-old love child for the first time, which is sort of a long time to wait before meeting your baby? Model Samantha Burke had a messy tabloid war with Jude last summer, and I'd totally forgotten about it until now. And so had Jude, apparently. Baby and mama are now in Miami. [DailyMail]
• 
  
• Can somebody please stop Courtney Love from going out in public? She went to Roberto Cavalli's Milan Fashion Week show looking like this [fig.1] and I can't not post a picture like that when I see it. It's a compulsion or something. Not until someone locks Love up and throws away the key will I be cured. [DailyMail]
• 
  
• On a very different, and somber note: Marie Osmond's son's suicide note has been recovered since the eighteen-year-old's death on Friday. He called the female friend who found him "his only good friend in L.A." and described profound depression. Michael Blosil was a student at FIDM. [People]
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• After a Miami concert, Jay-Z took Beyonce, Diddy, and A-Rod with him to gorge on "bowls of spaghetti" at Scarpetta, either because performing requires carbo-loading, or because attention is a drug and afterwards you get the munchies. [P6]
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• Oh, gross. An odd-eyed, pouty-lipped, double-hoop-earring-wearing college kid who made out with Real Housewife of Orange County Vicki Gunvalson (the crazy one with bugged eyes) gave an interview to Radar: "I like the cougars." "She's got good experience." "She's got a nice body, nice boobs." Yuck. [Radar]
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• Radar says Simon Cowell's fiancee's engagement ring is "large without being garish" but I bet to differ. Diamonds that large are inherently garish. As is being Simon Cowell's wife. It's a truth she has already come to terms with, I am sure. (Aided perhaps by the size of that diamond?) [Radar]

His career hasn't been this hot since he came off The Hunt for Red October and was chasing Kim Basinger in the tabloids. He costarred in It's Complicated which made a bunch of money, he keeps winning awards for Emmy bait 30 Rock which has a solid audience and is a hit with the smart set, and he is about to co-host the Oscars next month. Busy guy!

But in the midst of this he was taken to the hospital after threatening his teenage daughter, Ireland, that he was going to kill himself after they got into a fight. Then, on the way home from the hospital he attacked a photographer. All this pales in comparison, however to the infamous voicemail tirade he left his daughter three years ago calling her a "piggie" and other horrible names.

Sure these aren't on the same level as some Hollywood meltdowns, but Baldwin clearly has a very troubling approach to parenthood. Why doesn't Hollywood and the scolding celebrity industrial complex care that much that he yells at his daughter and manipulates her with death threats? Maybe it's because they like his work and he's a liberal. After all, the film-making establishment and Oscar voters forgave Roman Polanski for raping a girl in the '70s because he's such a "genius," why not overlook the fact that Alec Baldwin likes to cuss out his kid?

The culture isn't so forgiving to other stars that it doesn't like or who are too conservative. Crazy cult member Tom Cruise jumped on one couch and everyone is ready to write him off. And that wasn't even that crazy, he just wanted to profess his love for a contractually-obligated lady. Still, we saw it everywhere with massive dissection about how he was mentally unstable, and it is continually brought up when assessing his declining box office draw. Even though he seemingly treats his daughter very well—letting her wear lipstick and high heels aside—he still faces the scorn. Many have given up on his movies not because of their quality, but because he's a creepy, furniture-jumping Xenu-lover of the highest degree.

God-loving über-Christian Mel Gibson went on a drunken rant about how Jews control the weather or some shit, and he will never ever ever again be an insider in the biz (though the $17 cajillion bucks he made on his Christ-torturing movie still make him a power player). That's because his work is schlocky, he's way too conservative, and he pissed off the wrong people. Granted he is still a raging prick, so maybe it's best that we keep ignoring him.

Baldwin isn't nearly as bad as Gibson, but it seems like his personal life can't affect his professional life. Why? Because everyone fawns over his work and he is such a supporter of liberal causes that the conservative Page Six has forever labeled him the "bloviator." Welcome to the party, darling, treat your children however you want! The success of million-dollar enterprises such as movies and television programs are based on something as intangible as whether or not the audience likes the star. And the power firmament's decision whether or not personal behavior will affect career performance is just as fickle—it comes down to the fact of whether or not you're in favor. But if a star is in favor, his personal failings will fall by the wayside in the hope that his professional successes (which stand to make a lot of people a lot of money) won't be affected.

What are we going to do about Alec Baldwin? We're going to keep watching of course, knowing that as soon as he falls from the industry's good graces, he's toast.

[Image via Getty]

•Deadline reports tonight that Tom Cruise has signed on for Paramount's Mission Impossible 4. MI4 will be directed by J.J. Abrams, who directed MI3 and, most recently, Star Trek. Filming will start this summer and should be finished in time for a Memorial Day 2011 release. Remember that motorcycle fight scene from MI2?. That was AWESOME! [Deadline]

•Howard Stern and American Idol: Their tenuous relationship might be more tenuous than we first believed. Former Gawker scribe Richard Rushfield, writing in the Daily Beast, calls 'bull' on rumors that Stern could be the next Simon Cowell. "Two Idol insiders told The Daily Beast that no offer has been made to Stern... A source familiar with the search process says Stern was never even being considered." Even if Stern was a candidate, Deadline reports Ellen DeGeneres is not a fan. And rounding out your Idol news: The Wrap reports that Idol judge's blatantly placed huge plastic Coke cups have been replaced with Coke-owned Vitamin water. Ch-ch-ch-changes! [Daily Beast][The Wrap][Deadline]

•A couple of big-ticket acquisitions: Universal Pictures has scored domestic distribution rights to the Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts comedy Larry Crowne. Hanks directed the film, about "a man re-inventing his life. Broad, but promising! Roberts and Hanks co-starred in 2007's Charlie Wilson's War, which we seem to remember did pretty well. Meanwhile, Summit Entertainment has picked up North American rights to Mandate Pictures' untitled Seth Rogen/James McAvoy comedy. McAvoy will be a young guy who finds out he has cancer. Sounds like Funny People. [THR][THR]

•Earnings news! The Walt Disney Co. reported pretty flat earnings in Q3: $844 million in profits compared to $845 million a year ago. Revenue was up 1%, though. Lionsgate, on the other hand, boosted revenues by 15% in Q3. This was largely thanks to its booming TV operation—including Mad Men and Nurse Jackie Still, Lionsgate lost $66 million. [Variety][Variety]

•MTV has green-lit the next Jackass generation: Dudesons in America is about four crazy Fins who come to America and do stunts like "bullfighting on stilts and trying to build their own rocketship." MTV's Parkour Challenge is about that crazy jumpy stuff that Madonna made famous in her music video. Prediction: All these people will die violent deaths. [Variety]

• Further evidence that Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are dating: He flew down to Mexico to celebrate Aniston's 41st birthday—along with Courteney Cox, David Arquette, and Sheryl Crow—and Jen was seen "pranc[ing] around her waterfront villa in a two-piece." Make of that what you will. [People, Sun]
• Will Tiger Woods make his grand return to golf on March 22? That's what some "sources" are saying. [TMZ]
• Charlie Sheen is expected to be charged with a felony today for allegedly pulling a knife on his wife on Christmas Day. (He's expected to strike a plea bargain and avoid prison time.) Meanwhile, Sheen's car was driven/fell off a cliff in LA on Friday, although it wasn't Sheen's fault since his car had been stolen. "It was nice to have police come to my house and for once I didn't have to leave with them," said Sheen. [TMZ, People]
• Michael Jackson's physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, is supposedly set to be arraigned tomorrow and is expected to plead not guilty, although given this was all supposed to happen last week, you may not want to hold your breath. In related news, Murray visited Jackson's tomb last week to meditate, which is pretty sad/strange. [TMZ, TMZ]
• Beyoncé recently fell on stage during a concert in Brazil, but she transitioned her fall into an interesting crouching bounce move, so it was hard to tell whether she'd fallen at all. [DM]
• Break out a tissue: Heidi Montag says she's still "very fragile" and "not in a great place right now" after her gazillion plastic surgery procedures 11 weeks ago. [People]
• Is "Manhattan Madam" Kristin Davis going to run for Governor? GOP strategist Roger Stone says her candidacy is "not a hoax, a prank, or a publicity stunt," and Davis supposedly has a bunch of key supporters lined up, like 50 Cent and several of Davis' former clients. Of course, this is all being written about in the Daily News, which has been obsessed with everything Kirsten Davis-related for more than year now. [NYDN]
• Just in case it wasn't clear by now that Sarah Palin is the biggest hypocrite/fraud on the American political scene, here's further proof: She spoke at the Tea Party Convention over the weekend and mocked President Obama for his use of a teleprompter, even though she clearly had crib notes written on her hand. [HuffPo]
• Courtney Love isn't too impressed with Lady Gaga, in case her opinion matters to you: "I don't think her music is that compelling," Love said. [Us]
• A-Rod and Derek Jeter dined at the same restaurant in Miami the other night, but "there was literally no interaction between" the, which is either because they were seated across the room from each other and didn't know the other one was there; or because they hate each other. Take your pick. [NYDN]
• Levi Johnston's anti-climactic Playboy cover has been released. [People]
• A maid for Andres Santo Domingo and Lauren Santo Domingo says that their English bulldog took a chunk out of her thigh, and now she's suing them. The Santo Domingos say this all happened three years ago, wasn't a big deal, and the couple paid all the medical bills. [NYP]
• What's Chelsea Clinton going to wear for her wedding this summer? She hasn't decided yet. So sorry to disappoint you. [People]
• Remember Carrie Prejean? (Yeah, we've been trying to forget her too.) Anyway, she's engaged to football player Kyle Boller, in case you're wondering. [PopEater]
• Miley Cyrus has organized a celebrity online auction on Ebay, which is set to kick off today. And no, it's not celebrities themselves being auctioned off; it's just stuff that they've donated. [People]
• One of Keira Knightley's five stalkers was arrested outside a London theater where she was performing on Thursday night. He was charged with harassment. [NYDN]
• Private Practice actress Kate Walsh and her ex-husband, Alex Young, were only married for a little over a year, and now they're doing what any couple would do to divide up their assets. They're flipping a coin to decide who gets first pick. [E!]
• Andrew Shue—that guy who used to be on Melrose Place—married NBC anchor Amy Robach over the weekend. [NYDN]
• Jamie Lynn Spears is following in dysfunctional family tradition: She's ditched her baby daddy Casey Aldridge for a Louisiana businessman 10 years her senior. [People]
• Dancing With the Stars contestant and NFL commentator Warren Sapp was arrested over the weekend on a charge of misdemeanor domestic violence against his girlfriend. [TMZ, Us]
• If you watched the Super Bowl and were too drunk/preoccupied to watch the commercials, here's what you missed. [NYT, AdAge]

• It is a truth universally acknowledged that a nationally televised event watched by millions is in want of celebrities contriving photo ops. Kim Kardashian won the Super Attention-Seeking Bowl, since her giant butt (itself a national pastime) all but secured the win for boyfriend Reggie Bush's team. She wore a bizarrely shoulder-padded tweed blazer (I was going to say "Who wears a blazer to a football game?" but it looks like Brad Pitt did, too) and grabbed Reggie for an awkward post-game kiss. [fig.1] Brangelina also made an appearance, their first joint outing since the break-up rumor. They cheered for the Saints (since they are New Orleaners) and Maddox wore a charming hat. Unfortunately, since he was forced to sit next to his dad's Rasta beret and scraggly beard, they looked like a tired jazz ensemble playing for nickels on the subway. [DailyMail] [DailyMail]
• 
  
• Other Celebrity Bowl contenders: Tom Cruise playing "family man" with Suri, Katie, and son Connor. Hillary Swank looking coltish while cheering for the Saints. Ashton and Demi looking saintly while cheering for the Colts. J.Lo and Marc Anthony smiling graciously even though the Miami Dolphins, which they partially own, had a non-Super year. [Popeater] [DailyMail]
• 
  
• Late to the game: Carrie Prejean announced her engagement to St. Louis Rams star and Ken doll clone Kyle Boller, but since his team wasn't in the Super Bowl, and since she wasn't naked, it went mostly unnoticed. [E!]
• 
  
• Jersey Shore's cast has been ordered to stop digging the paydirt: Finally wising up to the guido/ettes' rapid acceleration towards overexposure, MTV is limiting their lucrative nightclub appearances to no more than two a week, all of which must be preapproved by producers. Should the orange ogres of the Garden State continue their reckless "pimping," they will be fined. Of course, if the fines are less than the appearance fees, then the cyclone of Snooki will not slow, which MTV must know, since it hired these people precisely for their shamelessness. [P6]
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• Page Six reports Conan O'Brien's Central Park West penthouse is "quietly being shopped around with a $35 million price tag." Add that to his $45 million severance package from NBC, and he's on a roll with the lucrative exits. [P6]
• 
  
• Dr. Conrad Murray visited Michael Jackson's tomb, which he probably thought would seem sympathetic heading into his involuntary manslaughter charge, when in fact it was just creepy. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I'm very fragile," says Heidi Montag. "I'm not in a great place right now." We know. [People]
• 
  
• Performing in Brazil, Beyonce fell. It almost looks like part of the choreography, but this cellphone video makes me motion sick, so you'll have to assess it on your own.
• "And then it dawned on me that Italians have gone from Leonardo DaVinci to Sophia Loren to Snooki. What the [bleep] is that about?" Curb Your Enthusiasm's Susie Essman left out Donatella Versace and Victoria Gotti. Then again: Monica Bellucci. It's a wash. [P6]
• 
  
• Charlie Sheen will be charged with felony menacing today for his Christmas switchblade attack on wife Brooke Mueller, but he might take a plea deal if the D.A. lets him drop it to a misdemeanor. Is there anything left to say on this case, other than a shudder and prolonged sigh? [TMZ]
• 
  
• Michelle Trachtenberg tells a revenge story: Her teen nemesis brutalized her—"this one girl threw me down a flight of stairs, fractured my ribs, punched and fracture my nose"—but then, years later, they act like old friends and go to restaurants together despite Michelle's still-seething hatred? "We were coming out of a restaurant and there was a wall of like 20 paparazzi... I turned to her and was like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really famous. They need to take my picture. Sucks for you.'" Hollywood makes no sense. [P6]
• 
  
• Diddy didn't sleep for 78 hours. Shouldn't he be dead by now? [Twitter]

Daniel Tosh Goes Off on a Hilarious Rant about Tom Cruise
Last night on Tosh.0, host Daniel Tosh took some very low-blows at Tom Cruise. Nothing was off-limits from his legal threats, to his attack on Brooke Shields, to his "kidnapping" of "Dawson's sloppy seconds" Katie Holmes. This. Is. Priceless.

Mel Gibson Stars in Piggly Wiggly: The Jimmy Kimmel Story
Jimmy Kimmel's show seems to be a great venue for actors that are struggling with their image. The most recent celebrity to jump aboard the revitalize-my-career-and-make-me hip-with-the-kids train is Mel Gibson.

Steven Seagal May Be the Worst Police Officer Ever
On Steven Seagal: Lawman, Steven chases after a perp, loses him, thinks he finds him, barges into the wrong house, and recklessly uses his gun only to lose him again. Be glad you don't live in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution Tries to Save the Unhealthiest City in America
British chef Jamie Oliver has a new television series where he's given the task of changing the way that the residents of Huntington, West Virginia eat. It's both entertaining and sad to see his efforts in the fattest American city

Joy Pokes Fun at Barbara Walters, Calls Her a Lesbian on The View
During her "Month in Review" on The View today, Joy Behar showed some choice video clips of Barbara Walters claiming to be a lesbian and kissing Julianne Moore on the mouth. Bonus: a cameo by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's husband.

• Why does Jeremy Piven have a giant scar on the back of his head? It's a pretty good sign he had a hair transplant, although Piven is claiming it's because he had a "scar-minimizing procedure" following a theater-related injury he sustained years ago. [TMZ]
• In what must be the most low-key, truly secret celeb wedding in ages, Vince Vaughn tied the knot with real estate agent Kyla Weber in a Chicago suburb on Saturday. [Us, People]
• Tiger Woods appears shirtless, in a skull cap, and pumping iron on the cover of Vanity Fair's February issue. The photo, along with six other images inside the mag, were taken by Annie Leibovitz four years ago, but she sold them to the mag after the Woods scandal broke. Let's hope the sale helped Annie out with the $24 million debt she has hanging over her head. [P6, NYDN]
• In other Tiger-related news, someone is shopping around a sex tape of he star golfer, which was supposedly filmed two years ago; Tiger's estranged wife, Elin Nordegren, has returned to Florida from her trip to the French Alps; and a new report suggests Tiger is currently holed up at a friend's estate in Africa. [TMZ, Us, TMZ]
• An overzealous airline agent booted Joan Rivers off a flight from Costa Rica to New York on Sunday because Rivers' passport said her name was "Joan Rosenberg AKA Joan Rivers." (Rosenberg is her late husband's last name.) Let it be known, however, that Rivers is not, at least as far as anyone knows, a threat to national security. [NYDN, P6]
• Rihanna has a new man, and it's LA Dodger Matt Kemp. They reportedly spent New Year's together in Dubai and have since been photographed making out in Mexico. [TMZ, Sun, ShowbizSpy]
• Entourage's Adrian Grenier got pelted with a cocktail while playing with his band, the Honey Brothers, in Atlantic City over the weekend. Don't worry, he's fine, although he's still playing music, unfortunately. [NYDN]
• Is Heroes' Hayden Panettiere dating a Ukrainian heavyweight boxer named Wladimir Klitschko, who is 13 years older and a foot taller than her? It seems so! [Sun, JustJared]
• How does Rosie O'Donnell feel about her new relationship with Tracy Kachtick-Anders? She called it "delicious" and confirmed that the two have already had playdates for their collective 10 children. [MSNBC]
• Brooke Mueller intends to reconcile with Charlie Sheen, although the two haven't spoken since his arrest in Aspen on Christmas Day when he threatened to kill her. Sheen also returned to the set of Two and a Half Men yesterday, in case you happen to care. [NYP, People]
• Another "report" has come out suggesting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning to have baby number two. [ShowbizSpy]
• Lady Gaga has died her hair the color of French's mustard. Or Sponge Bob. Take your pick. [3am]
• If you're wondering why the new voice introducing Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News sounds familiar, it's because it is. It's Morgan Freeman, who recently re-recorded Walter Cronkite's intro. [MSNBC]
• Leona Lewis was bucked off a horse last week and had to walk with crutches. But she's doing fine now, so don't you worry. [P6]
• The whole Kanye West backlash clearly hasn't damaged West's ego, you'll be happy to hear. He blogged on Monday that he plans to continue to bring people "the best he has to offer" because "true poets get better" over time. [People]
• No-BS publicist Kelly Cutrone's new reality show on Bravo, Kell on Earth, debuts next month. Just in case you're setting your DVR or whatever. [NYDN]
• Leighton Meester is just as obsessed with Jersey Shore as the rest of America. She told a reporter she'd love to be a psychiatrist to "look into that cast's brains." Then she added: "Although it might lower my IQ a little bit." Brace yourself for a Snooki/Blair Waldorf throwdown. [NYDN]
• In other Jersey Shore news, Pauly D gave Michael Cera a makeover—complete with spiked hair and excessive hair gel—for promos for Cera's upcoming movie, Youth in Revolt. [Us]
• Which older, overweight celeb (who, strangely enough, looks a lot like Van Morrison) took a photo of himself with 50 Cent and a gun and then emailed it out to all his friends? Why, Val Kilmer, of course! [NYDN]
• The new cast of the Celebrity Apprentice has been released, and it includes Sharon Osbourne, Cyndi Lauper, Bret Michaels, Selita Ebanks, and Rod Blagojevich, among others. [People, Us]
• Britney Spears rocks a full face of makeup at the gym, and it sometimes makes her look like "the Joker." Sad face. [P6]

But does it? Imagine how crazy and meta that would be: Casting McAvoy as both the character and the man who created him!? Actually, on second thought that seems like a terrible idea. [Pajiba]

•Meanwhile, "Salt," a nearly two year-old film starring Angelina Jolie, is slated to be released July 23rd, 2010. Originally called "Edwin A. Salt," the name of the CIA-thriller was changed after Sony couldn't land Tom Cruise to play the male lead. A dozen interns were sad on that day, for their duty was to go through the script and replace every "he" with "she." [Variety]

•Audiences said "Nein" to "Nine"! [Disengage Entertainment Weekly writing style.] The Fellini-inspired musical is about one more terrible weekend away from being a certifiable flop. In its second week "Nine" pulled in just $5.5 million despite starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman and other famous actors. Probably because it wasn't in 3-D or something. [THR]

•Today Variety wonders how much influence critics actually have on the Oscars race. Basically, it comes down to critics' ability to champion smaller movies that might otherwise get overlooked by Oscar voters. Case in point: "The Hurt Locker," which has lots of Oscar buzz thanks, in part, to winning a number of critics awards. [Variety]

•USA! USA! USA! USA Networks was number one in cable ratings for the year. The network's two most-watched series—"Royal Pains" and "White Collar"—propelled it to a record 3.27 million viewers in prime-time. Fox news Channel was 4th, effectively killing CNN whose ratings fell off 30% this year. Although to be fair, the CNN new years special with Kathy Griffin, Lance Bass and Anderson Cooper hasn't happened yet. It will be huge. [THR]

• Kim Kardashian is being sued by the guy who owns Dr. Siegel's Cookie Diet. (He says she defamed him by calling the diet "unhealthy" on Twitter.) In other critical KKard news, she stopped by Ashton Kutcher's production offices the other day and a monkey peed on her. So, all in all, it doesn't appear that she's having a great week. [TMZ, People, Us]
• Did Tiger Woods get together with Rachel Uchitel over the weekend? Are they now living together? That's what one "source" says, although there isn't any photo evidence to confirm any of it, alas. [Mirror, ET]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and model Bar Rafaeli have rekindled their romance, apparently. The duo were photographed together on vacation in Mexico. [E!]
• Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston may lose custody of the couple's son, Tripp. Bristol Palin has asked an Alaskan judge to strip the pantsdropper of partial custody and grant her child support. [NYDN]
• In case you missed the news yesterday, Tyra Banks—the visionary who brought us the first on-air colonic—will cease production of her talk show at the end of its fifth season this coming spring. [Us]
• Nelly will happily hand you $10K if you can help him find the dude who broke into his house earlier this month. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes is supposedly dying to get a tattoo to show off her devotion to Tom Cruise, but Tom apparently trying to talk her out of it. Katie got the idea, says a "source," from Victoria Beckham, who got a tat in honor of her 10-year wedding anniversary with David Beckham. [ShowbizSpy]
• Have the guidos turned against their own? Guido mecca Seaside Heights has issued a statement clarifying that they didn't "solicit, promote or participate" in the making of MTV's Jersey Shore, despite the fact that the bulk of the show was filmed there. [TMZ]
• "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis went a bit crazy on Gawker and its founder Nick Denton yesterday after the site labeled Francis a "rapist" when they crowned him "Douche of the Decade." [P6]
• Remember how W magazine denied that they retouched the image of Demi Moore on the cover of its December issue? Well, now they've revived the saga by using the same photo on the cover of W Korea and re-inserting the chunk of Demi's hip that appeared to be missing on the U.S. cover. [Us, P6]
• Don't ever suggest Russell Crowe isn't generous. He gave away his coat to a homeless man in Pittsburgh this week. [NYDN]
• Meg Ryan is looking a bit skinny these days, judging by a new bunch of photos. (She could probably use a more supportive swimsuit, too.) [Sun]
• Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr says Ed Westwick is a "really rad guy" and "awesome and smart and talented and adorable." Just in case you were wondering. [Teen Vogue]
• You know what really sucks? When you're a photographer and you spend two hours in the freezing cold waiting to snap a picture of Angelina Jolie on the set of her new thriller—and then you find out you've been stalking her body double. [NYDN]

This guy. Jazz drummer Tommy Brechtlein. I know, you're thinking "not Tommy Brechlein too, I have always loved his work." But it's true. And they have an exclusive interview to prove it.

And don't forget these eminent, A-list figures.

They got the Raven Kane and David Campbell. Print this out and get it signed. It'll be worth literally tens of cents.

There is no word whether this is a celebrity or not. But she looks so happy to be audited!

The envelope was also hand-written, for the 'we're watching you' personal touch, and contained this note:

It also contained a lengthy personality test to try and lure her back in by helping her to "discover the factors about yourself that cause you stress. She responds:
 

What causes me stress is the fact that nearly 20 years after the fact, I can't seem to get these jagweeds to stop sending me their trash mail.

Here's the survey. Feel free to take it, but beware in case you fall into their trap and join the crusade.

[*Ed. note: Ravi's currently writing from London, so we'll let that slide.]

Fake journalism: on May 11, 2003, the New York Times published a 7,239 word article on the frauds that Jayson Blair, a staff reporter, perpetrated while under their banner. Here's how they summed up his misdeeds:

He fabricated comments. He concocted scenes. He lifted material from other newspapers and wire services. He selected details from photographs to create the impression he had been somewhere or seen someone, when he had not.

Those fabrications encompassed the DC sniper story, and the saga of private Jessica Lynch among 600 other pieces he wrote or contributed to. The scandal went to the top — it led to the resignation of executive editor Howell Raines. Blair is now a life coach. Which leads nicely on to:

Fake jobs: 'Life coach' is a job that can exist only in a decade with not one but two economic bubbles, and the frantic prosperity they led to. The job — which is basically therapy given by those with no qualifications — garners over 42 million results on Google. Creative coach gets almost 27 million. Accountant, to put that in perspective, gets 31 million. Even those at the top of their fields, like Tony Robbins, who's even given a TED talk, have wound up in court for misrepresenting the impact of their nice words and quizzes. This year three people died when self-help 'guru' James Arthur Ray forced them to sit in a sweltering hot tent as a 'spiritual ceremony'. Also: The Secret is bullshit. If you want something, go out and work for it. Thinking about it doesn't affect the universe. Thanks.

Fake religion: It is a small step from there to a full-blown fake religion. A fact illustrated by the rise, in column inches at least, of Scientology in the last decade — fuelled by celebrity followers like Tom Cruise, Will Smith and John Travolta. The religion (or cult, or fraudulent pyramid scheme, depending on your point of view) is like a satire on a religion. Sci-fi author L. Ron Hubbard made up a bunch of tenets and a lot of jargon and now vulnerable people like Tom Cruise spend millions on upholding and promoting his ideas. Here's the religion in a nutshell: an evil galactic overlord named Xenu flew his followers to earth in DC-8 aircraft, trapped them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their spirits now stick to us and are the cause of human problems. Thus psychology and psychiatry are evil, and the only way to happiness is to spend hundreds of thousands to 'clear' yourself of these spirits. Fake.

Fake prosperity: what's almost more interesting than the multi-billion dollar fraud Bernie Madoff perpetrated are the many other alleged Ponzi-schemers coming out of the woodwork in Indiana (Tim Durham, pictured above with friend Ludacris) or Florida or wherever else. It seems that the idea of living a lifestyle based on nothing but plausibility — nice literature, offices full of Eames chairs and a convincing tone of voice — was a pervasive one. It's too easy to use this as a metaphor for the wider economy. Which is why I'm going to. It goes hand in hand with:

Fake celebrity: We are now so inured to pointless celebrities that this barely seems like a category — it's more like the definition of celebrity has just been widened. But a look at some of the biggest figures of the last ten years is a sobering one. Will we really tell our grandchildren that we were there when Paris Hilton got done for drink driving? How will we define her role? Heiress? Singer? Celebrity is the only word that covers it. And it's become fake.

Fake television: reality TV is not real. But the people who are desperate to get on it are, and they perpetrated their own fakeness in an attempt to become fake celebrities in a giant loop of fakeness. The Heene family captivated the media (us very much included) when they pretended their son had been swept aloft in a giant balloon. The Salahis captivated the media (us very much included) when it was revealed that their gatecrashing the White House was the last in a long line of frauds and switches they'd pulled. Both sets of people were involved with the murky world of reality TV — and producers vowed to vet their 'characters' more carefully in future. We bet they won't.

Fake faces: the desire to look young is not new. But this decade had Botox — its own unique version of the creams, lotions and surgeries that have been around since ancient Man looked at his or her reflection in a still pool and thought 'fuck! crow's feet!'. Directors like Martin Scorsese and Baz Luhrmann, as well as many casting directors, went as far as to publicly say they were sick of actors who could not move their faces. While there is no evidence that high profile stars like Nicole Kidman have had botox, we have used our (still expressive) eyes and come to the following conclusion — Nicole Kidman, a talented actor, can no longer move her face. She is not alone.

Fake athletes: injections of a different kind plagued sports. Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez succumbed to steroids in baseball. And persistent rumours of less-detectable HGH use plagued countless more athletes. Even Tiger Woods' doctor was found to be involved.

Fake political outrage: do we really care if our politicians sleep around? No, we just find their hypocrisy funny. Is Sarah Palin really mortally wounded every time someone criticizes her? Almost certainly not. Is Fox News actually incensed every time something they don't like happens? No. (Glenn Beck is, we think being serious, which is worrying in a different way.) How about, for 2010—2020, we accept that people are flawed and horny, and stop the outrage-fest. That is not to say that we won't continue to laugh at dumb things politicians do. But to pretend that there's some higher moral reason for covering these stories, and call for resignations every five minutes, is immoral. Um, not immoral. Bad. Wrong. Fuck. It's hard to stop condemning things.

Fake top tens: Because no-one reads top nines. And we like to be meta.

• Some tabloids have reported that Tiger Woods has been at home eating cereal and watching cartoons. Us Weekly says he's been spending his evenings hitting golf balls in the dark to "clear his head." So who knows. But Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren, has been more productive. She may have already hired bad-ass celebrity divorce lawyer Sorrell Trope, the guy who handled Nicole Kidman and Britney Spears' divorces. [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Eager to milk every one of her 15 minutes, Tiger Woods mistress Jaimee Grubbs recently participated in a photo shot for Maxim magazine. [P6]
• That black eye Melanie Griffith has been sporting all over Los Angeles? She got it from surgery to remove early stage cancer from her face, according to her rep. Not because she got Botox or because Antonio Banderas flew into a rage when she burned his soup, in case that was what you imagined. [Us]
• Poor Olivia Palermo. The socialite and star of The City opened People last week only to see that the mag had misspelled her name. She notified them, though, and the mag ran a correction this week, so let's hope she's feeling better about the whole ordeal. [RTE]
• Did you know Ivana Trump "is big, big, big in Spain"? We didn't either, but Liz Smith says she is, so it must be true. [wowOwow]
• On The View yesterday, Elizabeth Hasselbeck asked The Lovely Bones' Stanley Tucci if his wife had seen the film. His wife died last May. Ugh. [P6]
• Why isn't Padma Lakshmi talking about her pregnancy? It's not because she doesn't want to be asked about the identity of the baby's father, who is believed to be elderly billionaire Teddy Forstmann. It's just because she's superstitious! [People]
• Lady Gaga took a little fall on stage while singing "Bad Romance" on tour. But don't worry, she's doing just fine. [TMZ]
• Exciting news about Ashley Dupre's ex! "The former limo service and strip joint owner once engaged to the high-class hooker who cost former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer his job in 2008, just opened a nightclub in Juno Beach." See you there! [Page2Live]
• Questioned about how he was doing with a new (and still nameless ) baby in the house, Tom Brady said, "It's good, I'm glad it's over." We hope that someone has since explained to Tom that the whole pregnancy/birth thing is actually just the beginning. [People]
• Just a few days ago, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, had him arrested for violating a restraining order. Now she's turned herself in to the police for "allegedly kicking him in the head" while intoxicated. [TMZ, P6]
• More than eight years after Bill Clinton left the White House, a new book has come out that says he had an affair with Susan McDougal, the woman who was thrown in jail for refusing to answer questions by Ken Starr (and who was later pardoned by Clinton). The tell-all also quotes Monica Lewinsky as saying that Clinton lied to a grand jury about their hookups. [P6, NYDN]
• A former assistant to the Wayans brothers claims the brothers stole his idea for their book, 101 Ways to Know You're a Golddigger. [NYDN]
• LeeLee Sobieski—that actress whose name you can never remember and who looks a lot like Helen Hunt—had a baby girl. The dad is menswear designer Adam Kimmel. [Us]
• Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are having a baby boy. [Essence]
• Braylon Edwards of the Jets fathered a secret love child with former America's Next Top Model contestant Nik Pace, and now the baby mama is suing him for $70,000 a month in child support. [P6]
• William Shatner suffers from tinnitus, a constant ringing of the ear, in case Shatner's health is of any interest to you. [MSNBC]
• The guy who Jennifer Garner filed a restraining order against last year and who recently showed up near Violet Affleck's school, has been charged with stalking as well as disobeying a court order. [TMZ]
• The oldest Jo Bro, Kevin Jonas, is reportedly getting married tomorrow at an estate on Long Island. Prepare to spend the holidays consoling your nieces over this tragedy. [P6]
• Critical Gosselin family update: Jon and Kate's divorce should be final before the end of the year. [MSNBC, TMZ]
• What's it like to have dinner with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? According to David Beckham, they're the kind of people who suggest playing singing games while at dinner. [Us]

• And then there were 14. The latest Tiger Woods mistress to surface is a 40-something married woman named Theresa Rodgers who supposedly had a five-year affair with the golfer (and who has since hired Gloria Allred to represent her, just like Rachel Uchitel did). Other goings-on in Tigerland: Uchitel reports that she's received death threats in recent days; Tiger's doctor has been thrust into the spotlight for some reason; and, as for Tiger himself, he's supposedly "only just coping" and "on the edge" right now. But he's thinking of going to France to escape his troubles, and everything is better there, isn't it? [Us, Radar, TMZ, NYP, NYDN, MSNBC]
• Kourtney Kardashian and her boyfriend Scott Disick had a baby boy yesterday. Say hello to Mason Dash Disick. You'll probably be seeing him on a reality show in about six weeks. [Us]
• Speaking of new parents, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen had their baby boy a week ago, but they still haven't picked out a name. In case you're wondering, it will "probably be a traditional name" and Gisele will be choosing it, since Brady says Gisele "makes all these decisions." [People]
• Jennifer Lopez says the paparazzi have stopped taking pictures of her because they can't sell the photos for much money. Which is basically like admitting she's no longer an A-list celebrity. Which is sad, no? [MSNBC]
• If you're doing in the vicinity of Times Square, be sure to check out the 58-foot-tall billboard of Bethenny Frankel on the corner of Broadway and 53rd Street. She's "especially pleased" with it "because it doesn't look like there's been any air-brushing." Which presumably means there was lots of air-brushing, but it was tastefully done? [P6]
• Why hasn't Michael Lohan been in the tabloids the past couple of days? It may be because he was arrested over the weekend for contacting his ex, Erin Muller, who has a restraining order against him. Naturally, Lohan sees it different. He says he wasn't really arrested. He just went down to the courthouse to chat with the judge. [TMZ, Radar]
• In other stalker news, the guy who has been following Jennifer Garner around for the past few years (and whom she got a restraining order against in 2008) was arrested yesterday. Steven Burky was nabbed for being in the area around Violet Affleck's school, which is really creepy. [Radar]
• After spending the last several months using Twitter to apologize and lash out in anger, Chris Brown has apparently quit the social site. You're crushed, we're sure. [E!]
• If you're a reporter and you land an interview with Nicole Kidman, don't ask her questions about Scientology. She really doesn't want to talk about it and may be momentarily speechless at your total lack of manners. [ShowbizSpy]
• Kelly Osbourne, possibly the palest girl that has ever lived, is the poster girl for a new line of tanning products. Makes sense. [P6]
• Yet more proof that Suri Cruise is the most spoiled child in the universe: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes arranged to have a zoo outside of Seville, Spain shut down for the day, so little Suri could pet the animals in peace. [People]
• The feud between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall must be over: Kim showed up at the premiere of SJP's new movie last night! [DM]
• Breaking! Nicole Richie is now a brunette! [People]
• Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper appear together in a new ad campaign for MAC cosmetics. And both are virtually unrecognizable, too. [HuffPo]
• Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom aren't engaged, despite rumors to the contrary. Sorry! [People]
• Lou Dobbs' horse-obsessed daughter, Hillary, is engaged. Her fiance is a Dutch horse dealer. And the wedding will take place in Mexico next year. (Okay, we made that last bit up.) [P6]
• Rihanna is topless on the January 2010 cover of GQ. Sort of. She's holding her arms over her breasts and she's wearing a pair of "leather hotpants" on the bottom. [DM]
• Facebook co-founder Sean Parker used his 30th birthday party for good on Saturday: He raised more than $60,000 to combat malaria at a party that was attended by Val Kilmer, Oliver Stone, and Lucy Liu, among others. [P6]
• This year's Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. [AP]

The source of these memos refused to reveal how she came across them. But the dates and addresses on the documents correspond to the period when Hubbard had formalised Scientology as a religion and had founded a sinister commune at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead in the south of England called the Sea Org — with a hierarchy based on the navy. Which is why Hubbard signs each one as "L. RON HUBBARD COMMODORE" (Capitalization his.)

A little background to help get through the jargon in today's memos. (If we miss anything, there's a fully glossary of the bizarre terms here.) The cult divides its teachings into eight 'dynamics': 1) the self; 2) sex and the family; 3) groups; 4) humankind as a whole; 5) life forms (including animals and plants); 6) the physical universe; 7) the spiritual and 8) infinity. The two documents here come from the Second Dynamic — sex and the family.

The first refers to 'security checks', in which a member is strapped to a fake device called an e-meter and given a sort-of lie detector test. It is often rumoured that the answers they give are filed and used against them if they ever decide to leave the cult. Here's a list of questions, related to sex and marriage, that Hubbard wanted asked of converts when these random tests were administered. Imagine you'd given honest answers to these. What might you do to stop them getting out?

This list was developed in Durban, South Africa. Which chimes with the fact that one of the earliest, most famous and most feared 'sec checks' came from Johannesburg.

The second document is a list of rules as to what levels of affection Scientology's victims can show while in public to avoid 'out-PR' which is the cultish way of saying a bad appearance. No heavy petting, because "the Sea Org is an elite group and therefore have very high and optimal ethical standards," says Hubbard.

Tomorrow: raising children the L. Ron Hubbard Way!

The worst thing about the video (which comes via a website called Media Elites) is the forced casualness — the rictus grins, awkward deliberate ethnic diversity and 'hip' Scientologists that appear using phrases like "a building that we all dig on." Actually, scratch that, the worst thing is the fact that this is an avowed attempt to spread Scientology to every neighborhood and get as many converts as possible.

"Fill the building with public," says one super-intense pseudo Jason Schwartzman at around two minutes. "Boom it and start disseminating and getting Scientology on every com line in that community. Then actually clear that community." Com line presumably means communication line, 'clear' refers to a Scientology phrase — normal, non-cult people are 'pre-clears,' only when you join the church do you begin the process of being 'cleared.'

Cartwright appears at about a minute in to tell us that whoever is brought to one of these new orgs will "get something that's going to change his life forever." Indeed: