By Seth, 9:41 PM on Fri Aug 17 2007, 1,567 views (Edit, to draft, Top, Slurp)

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· Merv Griffin is probably in Heaven right now, which, let's face it, is one of the gayest destinations we can think of.
· K-Fed's subpoena spree spares no one.
· Sophia spreads her legs for art.
· Corey Feldman graciously grants best friend Corey Haim full access to his wife.
· Steven Segal wants the FBI to apologize for ruining a promising career.
· Paris Hilton's philanthropic makeover might not have been entirely her own idea. Her Kitson clothing line, we strongly suspect, is.
· HBO gives John from Cincinnati just enough artistic rope to hang itself.
· Road Warrior Lindsay Lohan's quarry sues.
· AOL Teen spends some time building self-esteem.
· "You were both mistakes!" part-time lesbian Britney Spears tells her children.
· Ben Kingsley on Mary-Kate's feisty face-sucking technique.
· A bulgestastic script delivery boy brightens the day of the city's studio receptionists. We have pictures!
· So You Think You Can Dance: Way gay.
· A banner year for shitty threequels.
· Jim Carrey's zero-figure paycheck.
· Everything you didn't want to know about where Jonathan Silverman bones his wife on Polaroid's dime.