If one were to amass into one volume every telling instance in which E! Network nancy boy Ryan Seacrest inadvertently opened his mouth and let a handbag fall out, the result, The Big Book Of Ryan Seacrest Sexuality-Betraying Slips, would be a gargantuan tome. Such scholarship would involve regularly subjecting one's self to the approximately two dozen broadcast showcases for Seacrest's inept celebrity interviewing skills, however, which we simply refuse to do. Luckily, The National Enquirer's Mike Walker can do it for us:

Weeks ago, I reported that RYAN "I'm Not Gay" SEACREST commented on his LA radio show that MICHAEL DOUGLAS looked hairy lately — and then added: "I'm not into bearded men." In my opinion, I said, no straight guy talks that way — but I asked you to judge. Well, folks, don the black robes again and grab your gavel — Ryan just interviewed VINCE VAUGHN and gushed: "Dude, I'm totally into girls... but you're at the top of my hump island when it comes to guys!" Hump WHAAT!? Vaughn, caught off guard by the beyond-metrosexual, sex-ish remark, said: "That's like saying you don't sweat as much for a fat girl." Huh? (Just where is Hump Island, Ryan? Near Fantasy Island, no doubt! Seacrest... OUT???)

Now we know: Seacrest eschews hirsute, daddy types, while bloated, aging fratboys have him burying his pirate treasure beneath a tree on Hump Island, alongside such other turn-on chests as the ones marked "Firefighters" and "My Career."

• RYAN'S FANTASY REVEALED [National Enquirer via Towleroad]

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