• Tiger Woods has not been photographed since the car accident. First pap to snap him could get millions—especially if he's crying. [AP]
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• Speaking of Woods spin-off industries: Elin Nordegren is picking up where Tiger left off, endorsement-wise. Mrs. Tiger Woods is reportedly "very close" to signing a deal with Puma because she is "a good brand fit" for Puma's special new line of husband-beating equipment. [TMZ]
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• Kate Hudson's famewhoring was the downfall of her relationship with Alex Rodriguez. An A-Rod friend claims K-Hud "wanted more camera time each and every game. She would always want to be styled before games and she'd insist on front-row seats." Apparently this "was a turnoff" and "he broke up with her over a week ago." [Us]
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• Confirmed: Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal broke up, says professional mellow-harsher Gossip Cop. But who will police this claim: The break was "amicable and mutual." Oh, please. [GossipCop]
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• Is motherhood making Sarah Jessica depressed? "Every day is Groundhog Day basically," Mrs. Matthew Broderick said less than a day after she called motherhood "perfectly overwhelming." Two questions: (1.) Can you get post-partum from a surrogate birth? I'm leaning towards "yes," because it's the baby's presence that freaks you out, not the absence of belly, right? (2.) Are frazzled mom roles the future of Carrie Bradshaw's career? [People]
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• Tiger mistress #4.8613, porn star Holly Sampson, is in talks to star in Vivid Entertainment's inevitable Tiger Woods porn parody. But it turns out she had sex with him years before he married Elin, so does she even count? [Extra]
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• Did Courtney Love write a long, ridiculous immature Facebook note bitching out daughter Frances Bean, who successfully took her mom to court to get custody removed this week? Perez Hilton says yes, but he appears to be the only one who saw it—Love says he either made the note up or got it from a turncoat. Then, in a real Facebook note, she threatens: "im goi g after him tomorrow." Lawsuit or beatdown? With Courtney you can never tell. [Perez Hilton] [Facebook]
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• ESPN reporter Erin Andrews' peephole stalker is guilty, and Andrews wants him to get the maximum sentence. In a tearful courtroom statement, the sportscaster confessed to nightmares and stalker-induced social anxiety. "My career has been ripped apart... I am subjected to crude comments... I walk into stadiums, and fans say obscene things to me." This story is so bleak. Men are pigs. [NYDN]
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• Speaking of stalkers, Jennifer Garner's was arrested for violating a restraining order when he turned up at Ben-and-Jen progeny Violet Affleck's nursery school. Steven Burky has a blog called Satanic Panic, is a born-again Christian, and believes he was the victim of ritualistic satanic abuse. Just the kind of guy you'd want around kids. [NYDN]
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• Emily Blunt is sick of corsets. Fresh off filming The Young Victoria, she's already dreading "another corset role in The Wolfman." Unfortunately for Emily, she is cursed with the porcelain skin, fine features, and willowy figure that period movies always cast, for there were neither fat women nor large noses before the twenty-first century. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Celebrity baby alert! Vladimir Putin's "gorgeous 26-year-old rhythmic gymnastics champion" baby mama has birthed a boy, Dimitry, named for Russian president and renowned Putin sock puppet Dimitry Medvedev. Nothing like babies to remind you always of the greatest power grabs of your life. [P6]
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• Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]
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• Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]
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• Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]
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• "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]
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• A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]
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• Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]
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• Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]
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• Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]
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• When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]
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• Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]
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Figure 1.













Figure 2.













Figure 3.

• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
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• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
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• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
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• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
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• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
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• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
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• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
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• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
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• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
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Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

In America, everyone just wants to be housewives. As true today as it was in 1958. As evidence, the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey won Tuesday night's ratings battle not just in cable, but in regular network television. OK, not in terms of sheer millions of viewers, but at least in terms of young adults. 3.48 million folks tuned in, earning the show a 6 share in 18-49ers, the highest of the night, from any show on the air at the time. Pretty remarkable. Also, pretty goddamned depressing. [Variety]

Poor, heart-faced Reese Witherspoon will soon be taking a deep dive into the horrifying annals of the pharmaceutical industry. Well, not that deep. She'll star in and produce the comedy Pharm Girl, about a wide-eyed young dreamer lady who gets beaten down, hilariously!, by the byzantine and morally corrosive machine that keeps people on unnecessary drugs for their restless legs because everyone wants money. Terrific. [THR]

Yay, we're gonna see it! We're gonna see the "stark" pre-WWI drama about a wicked boarding school directed by shock auteur Michael Haneke (the brilliant Cache, the unnecessary Funny Games)! Sony Pictures Classic has picked up American distribution rights for The White Ribbon, which recently won the Palme d'Or at the Cannes film festival. Oh, and it's in black and white. So. Popcorn flick! [Variety]

Shantel VanSanten, yes the Shantel VanSanten, has joined the cast of the CW's bizarrely successful workhorse series One Tree Hill. She'll play the sister to some other character and I'm sure there will be romantic polyhedrons and everyone who's watching at home will just wheeze and fart and take another hit of Munchos. [THR]

Oh good. The Travel Channel has picked up a reality series called The Streets of America: The Search for America's Worst Driver. It will pit a bunch of terrible drivers in a battle royale in the streets of Los Angeles. Winner kills all. It will be the highest employer on television of women and Asian people. DRIVING JOKES! [Variety]

Perhaps sensing the acrid, cotton-candyish whiff of defeat in the air, fading megastar Tom Cruise has reteamed with Jackie Joyner Abrams to produce the next Mission Impossible flick. No, he's not yet signed on to star in the flick, which would be the fourth in the franchise, so that's still cast in some doubt. Abrams is also not onboard to direct, as his threequel was a box office disappointment. Which is a shame, because it was, in strict movie-makin' terms, the best of the series. Sure MI one was fun but Brian De Palma is also kind of a hack, and we all know that John Woo's ludicrous MI 2 was an execrable failure, so really, MI 3 was the best. Hands down. You just can't beat that opening scene with Phil Hoffman (we're best friends). Anyway, the two might reboot the whole thing and do an ensemble approach, which they tried with the first one (Kristin Scott Thomas! Emilio Estevez!) until Tom Cruise got greedy and hired Jon Voight to kill everyone. [THR]

Aw, old ladies are funny. Sigourney Weaver (did you know that when she and Meryl Streep were at Yale together, Sigourney was the perpetual underdog, always overshadowed by the genius acting machine that is Meryl? It's true! And, sadly, it still sort of is) and Blythe Danner have been cast in the new Simon Pegg/Nick Frost commedia dell'arte, Paul. Flick is about two science fiction dorks who travel to Area 51 and discover a real alien. Then Sigourney busts out and screams "Get away from them, you bitch!" and kills Paul with her Exosquad suit while Blythe stands in the corner nervously reciting lines from Suddenly Last Summer. Oh, Greg Mottola is directing it, so there will probably be dick jokes as well. We're excited. No, really. We are. [Variety]

Image of Tom Cruise pretending to like basketball via Getty

1) Fast & Furious — $72.5 million
Good lord. You people really wanted to see this damn movie. It's the biggest April opening ever, the biggest ever for Universal, and the biggest ever opening for a movie about four tired old people who thought they'd have better jobs in ten years so they didn't do the first sequel but here we go, what the fuck, no one's banging down our doors, so we'll do the third sequel. So there's celebrating in Hollywood today, and somewhere some dumpy stoner in Silver Lake has just created a Word document ominously titled "Fast and Five-ious."

2) Monsters vs. Aliens — $33.5 million
Down 44% from its boffo debut last weekend, this is yet another computer animated 3D kids thing that just tramps along mercilessly, leaving destruction and Sour Patch Kid-mouth burns in its sugary wake. It's gobbled up a total of $105 million in its first two weeks of release, making it the fastest movie about Reese Witherspoon being a gigantic nuisance to reach the $100 million mark since Sweet Home Alabama came whiskey-farting out of the gate back in 1989.

3) & 4) The Haunting in Connecticut, Knowing — $9.6, $8.1 million
Two schlocky genre pictures that are holding on decently, if not terrifically. Knowing has lured in some $58 million in ticket sales in three weeks, and is proving a moderate success for fledgling schlock purveyor, Summit Entertainment. Connecticut is just further proof that people like cheaply-made ghosties, especially if they come belching out of teenage boys' mouths while creepy sepia-toned old people look on in muted delight. So what does this mean? Put Nic Cage in one of those damn horror movies and you can just start printing money. If he drives a crazy muscle car, too, just imagine.

6) Adventureland — $6 million
Though the film had mostly positive reviews, Greg Mottola's nostalgic look at youth didn't connect at the box office. It was in sixth place and earned only six million dough-lars, so maybe there's a third six out there.... Oh! It stars six people: Martin Starr, Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Swan, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Wiig, and Bill Hader. Six. Six. Six. Who knew a sweet movie about growing up lost and confused in the leafy but barren Pittsburgh suburbs of the 1980's could be the work of the Morning Star. Someone get Nic Cage on the case, fastly and furiously!

10) Sunshine Cleaning — $1.9 million
Chugging along with a nice $3,900 per-screen average, this little quirk fest is doing decent indie business. It probably won't become a smash and open super wide like its obvious inspiration, Little Miss Sunshine, but it might rack up a nice little bundle nonetheless. Hopefully it'll keep Emily Blunt's bright shiny star on the rise, because she's just really really good in pretty much everything.

Life & Style
Following her breakup with John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is prepared to do the unthinkable: Become a single mom. Though the mag is not sure whether she'll conceive naturally, use artificial insemination, or adopt, Aniston obviously has babies on the brain because her new $15 million six-bedroom mansion "has more than enough room for a nursery." Next: Justin Timberlake supposedly ran into Britney's dad Jaime Spears on the golf course and told him he's nervous to ask Jessica Biel to marry him even though she's the one. Jaime told him to "put a ring on her finger," and JT said he's already got one picked out, according to an insider. By the way, Jessica and Justin's new apartment has three bedrooms, which the mag points out is "plenty of room for kids!" Kellan Lutz of Twilight explains Robert Pattinson's "hookup trick": "He lowers his head down and the girls love it!"
Grade: F (Band aid in your burger.)





Ok!
"I Will Never Remarry." The mag writes that Jennifer Aniston has "experienced a stark epiphany: No man can live up to her ex-husband, Brad Pitt." A source says that since "each time she dreams of having a devoted husband, babies, and that white picket fence, she is let down," Jen has resigned herself to a life of love affairs and single motherhood. Also, there's a two page story about how Jen has "found her soulmate" in her dog Norman. Moving on: Jaime Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are still living together with their baby Maddie, but an insider says JLS has called off their wedding. "Jaime Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and a piece of paper," says the source. Also, she likes being a Southern mom and is never going back to Hollywood. Finally, in an interview OK! asks Gavin Rossdale if he and Gwen Stefani are planning to have another baby. "That would seem logical, but then again so would sleep!" says Rossdale, "But, you know the men aren't in control of that stuff."
Grade: D- (Expired hot dogs.)

Us
"He's The One!" This story is pretty much an excuse to print cute pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, as there isn't really anything new to report on the engagement front. A Witherspoon insider says, "All of Reese's friends tell her they think he's The One." As for when Jake will pop the question, a pal says, "It's not a matter of if, but when. And when Jake asks, she will definitely say yes." Moving on: An insider says Jennifer Aniston's breakup with John Mayer wasn't mutual. "She would never have paraded him around like that if she didn't think what they had was real. She feels like he played her," says a source. Us has exclusive pictures from Natasha Bedingfield's wedding. Brandy attended the wedding, which was at the same place where Josh Duhamel and Fergie got married (but unlike their wedding, Bedingfield's wasn't fishing themed). Next: Us broke the LeAnn Rimes cheating story last week, and their follow up, "Why She Cheated," just makes it sound even more like a publicity stunt. When LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet were "caught" kissing by the paparazzi they were coming out of Whole Foods and had only purchased a banana and a bottle of water. A source says Eddie Cibrian "told his wife that this was a publicity stunt for the Lifetime movie." Finally, Michelle Obama "takes top honors" (if you can call it that) as Us celebrates 2009's best makeovers with 24 pages of filler.
Grade: D (Dieter's delight, a.k.a. cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.)

In Touch
"The Breakup" Insiders say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are constantly fighting because she's filming Salt and he's stuck taking care of the kids. "Brad gets tortured by the kids all day. They wrestle him and kick him and constantly harass him," says a source." Supposedly Salt insiders heard her saying during a phone call, "Will you please respect the fact that I am working right now? All you have to do today is watch the kids." Things are so bad Angie has banished Brad to the couch in their four bedroom suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. James Haven is staying with the family in New York and Angie has asked her brother to talk some sense into Brad. The mag dug up pictures of Angie looking uncomfortable with Brad for the requisite "maybe she's more into her brother than her husband" sidebar. (Fig. 1) In Touch asks: Has Tori Spelling taken her diet too far? Spelling's rep says she's the same size she was before giving birth, but the mag thinks her young, super-skinny 90210 co-stars "could be a bad influence." Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt says he wants to have a baby with her. "Paris would make a great mom - she's my Angel Princess," says Reinhardt. Nick Lachey and Vanessa innillo had a fight at a L.A. restaurant. Manillo stormed out right after their food was served and Lachey paid the check and had takeout boxes made up before he caught up with her outside. In Touch says plastic surgery has left Daryl Hannah "almost recognizable." Next: The mag is calling out LeAnn Rimes for probably fabricating her affair with co-star Eddie Cibrian. "It's fishy how very obvious she was about this," and insider says. In addition to the TV movie Northern Lights, Rimes has a new song and book coming out next month. "She wants to get back on the A list," says the insider. In an interview, the mag asks Matthew McConaughey if he has any regrets about past relationships now that he's married. He says, "You wouldn't be where you are if you didn't go through all the other things. It's an honor to be at an ex-girlfriend's wedding or to have them over to dinner. There's nothing goofy about that."
Grade: D+ (Week old Red Lobster doggie bag.)

Star
In a continuation of a story Star ran recently about Angelina Jolie catching Brad Pitt comforting their pretty nanny, "Don't Touch Me!" claims Angie's still mad so she's refusing to sleep with Brad. " A source says, "she knows it's torture for Brad, denying him that way. But she wants him to learn a lesson." She refuses to take a daily bath with Brad, which is apparently one of their "sexy traditions" and has banned him out of her bedroom. At least in Star's account, Brad gets his own room at the Waldorf-Astoria, instead of the couch. However, the mag says he's taken to "camping out with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms" at the hotel. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were spotted making out at a hotel in Hollywood. An eyewitness claims he walked in on them making out behind some curtains on a terrace off the hotel bar. "When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves," he said. The hotel was hosting a party, and the eyewitness says once the room got crowded, Sean and Natalie took an elevator up to the private rooms and didn't come back for 45 minutes. After returning to the party, the two split up. "[Natalie] broke it off when she found out that Sean was still with his wife, Robin Wright Penn," says a source. Sean started flirting with another woman, who said "I don't do that! Your girl's upstairs, and your wife is at home. You're busy." The eyewitness says Sean chuckled and left. Moving on: Guy Ritchie is dating Elle Macpherson. A source says Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are planning a June wedding. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet's apartment smells less than fresh? Neighbors say funny-smelling smoke surrounds her door on her days off. How's that for a bit of gossip?" In a possibly related story, Leighton Meester has asked everyone on her floor in her apartment building not to smoke because the smell comes under her door and she gets a sore throat if she's exposed. In "Starving For Attention" Star is hating on ladies for being too skinny. They suggest Gwyneth Paltrow eat a "big ol' piece of chocolate cake." (Fig. 2) A doctor who didn't treat Natasha Richardson says she probably could have been saved if she had taken her instructor's advice and let paramedics look at her head immediately. "The typical mortality rate from epidural hematoma is relatively low ... It needs to be taken care of right away," said Dr. John Knightly of the Concussion Center at Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J. The mags all featured pictures of Richardson's grieving family at her funeral, but frankly, we couldn't handle pouring over pictures of her coffin being carried to her grave. In an exclusive, Star wonders why Jaime Lynn Spears and baby Maddie didn't accompany Casey Aldridge to Roosters Mud Jam, "a dirt-caked ATV event in Dehli, La." He and his friends were drinking heavily and there are photos of a blonde holding on to him as he drives his ATV into a muddy river. The woman, Brandin Walker, 25, is a married mother who says she was just innocently hanging out with Casey, and that her husband was at the event. Finally, in a story entitled "Jennifer is Jaime's Taco Belle" we learn that Jaime Kennedy "adores plumping [Jennifer Love Hewitt] up with yummy, calorie-packed eats!" Watch out JLH - it sound like Jaime is planning on eating you!

Grade: C (Soggy tortillas.)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Genius director Alexander Payne is going a bit Charlie Kaufman-esque with a film called Downsizing, about a man (Paul Giamatti) who decides to shrink himself to preserve his health. Reese Witherspoon meets cute with him along the way, and Sascha Baron Cohen plays a strange, tiny foreigner. Sounds twee. And wee! [Variety]

Keira Knightley will be starring in a movie version of Kazuo Ishiguro's sci-fi chamber piece Never Let Me Go—a scary and ponderous book—to be directed by Mark Romanek, who did scary and ponderous before, to middling effect, with One Hour Photo. Knightley, in my estimation, is actually pretty decent casting. [EW]

Arrested Development smirker Jason Bateman has just signed on to the Jason Reitman comedy Up in the Air (based on snark-defender Walter Kirn's novel), about a man (George Clooney) who is obsessed with frequent flier miles. Sounds zany!!!!! [Variety]

Young Loren Dean, who had some coulda-been-big opportunities in the 90's movies like Mumford and Gattaca, never quite made it. Ah well. He'll be starring alongside the inexplicably-made-it Hillary Swank in her exoneration pic Betty Anne Waters, currently filming in Ann Arbor. Pack a sweater, Loren. [THR]

Stars of old and relatively new will be joining the basically useless Entourage next season. Jami Gertz, who commingled with your Jason Patric vampire sex fantasies in The Lost Boys (or maybe your Bill Paxton/tornado fantasies in Twister), will play the wife of Gary Cole's sadsack agent character. And the delightful Autumn Reeser from The OC will play a junior agent at Miller/Gold. Good news for them, bad news for us that there's to be another season of all that limp bro blustering. [THR]

Ah even more sorta-forgotten actors getting brief glimmers of hope only to have most of it dashed. Still, good for you Julie Bowen, Scott Wolf, Jonathan Silverman, and Sabrina's Aunt Zelda (and Kate's mom from Lost), Beth Broderick. You'll all be heroes for at least a week. [THR]

Following in that vein, Kim Raver (Lipstick Jungle) and Alyssa Milano (Gold Rush: A Real Life Alaskan Adventure) have also landed pilot roles. Raver in Shonda Rhimes' already-annoying TV news drama Inside the Box, Milano in an "Untitled Ricky Blitt comedy" about a telemarketer. [THR]

Or, you know, as we like to call it: Joe Versus the Volcano.

The bad news? According to Slashfilm, the movie's title (assuming it does ever get made, and isn't simply consigned to Crowe's pile of bad ideas that includes a Jonathan Lipnicki-toplined Jerry Maguire 2) would be Deep Tiki. As in, if this movie comes out, the careers of all three participants would be in...no, we just can't say it. We can't say "Deep Tiki" again. Uttering its name only gives it more power.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Reese Witherspoon says Cameron Crowe’s Next Film has Been Postponed [Collider]

• Cameron Crowe’s Deep Tiki Postponed; Iron Man 2’s Production Title [Slashfilm]

Boomp3.com

After a lunch date with a good friend, Four Christmases star Reese Witherspoon went in for a kiss since she felt the meal went well. However, Witherspoon’s companion gracefully glided Witherspoon to her cheek. The companion said, “Lunch dates get the cheek. Now, take me to Katsuya and maybe I’ll reconsider the lips.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Cam, Cam, Cam (can we call you "Cam"?). This idea smells worse to us than Vanilla Sky, and here's why:

First of all, you're opening yet another film with a professional in disgrace? While that worked fine in Jerry Maguire, the conceptual retread wore thin quickly in Elizabethtown. Ironically, the fact that Elizabethtown bombed might have given you new insight into the sort of character who suffers career ignominy and then struggles to pick up the pieces, but we'd still recommend against using that trope a third freakin' time.

Also (and perhaps a bit more importantly), THIS IS THE MOVIE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO. And, in choosing to pursue a logline so outrageously similar to that Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film, you have unwittingly awakened the sleeping giant that is Defamer's love for that movie. Cam, we have been to Hawaii. We know Hawaii. Hawaii, sir, is no Waponi Wu.

Thus, Cam, we politely ask you to take stock of your upcoming project. Does your "disgraced professional" undergo a freakout that can top this? Is he asked to become involved with a volcano sacrifice by a sparkly-eyed Lloyd Bridges? Are three of his love interests played by a pre-Restylane Meg Ryan, and is one of them a flibbertigibbet? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," perhaps it's time to shelve this project and pick back up with Singles 2: The VH1 Classic Years.

• CROWE GOES OFF DEEP END...OF VOLCANO [CHUD]

According to Chud, Crowe's new film incorporates all three of those things:

The untitled adventure comedy has Stiller starring as disgraced weapons consultant Brian Gilcrest who has to journey to Hawaii to launch an advanced spy satellite in response to an unspecified impending threat from China, but apparently something different than their next batch of preschool gymnasts.

The Islanders, of course, are all for helping out, as long as their Hawaiian gods are down. This shouldn't be a problem for Gilcrest, as long as he can make good with one little quid pro quo the gods demand: tossing a sacrifice into the erupting volcano. What's even more diabolical is that, somewhere along the way, Gilcrest runs into former flame, Traci (Witherspoon) and her family and has to deal with the one that got away as he goes on a journey of self-discovery on the island.

So yes, it is the lunaticiest idea ever. Let alone the fact that it's sorta already been made, it just doesn't sound like the grounded, relaxed stuff he's best at doing. It's the exact opposite. That said, I can't wait to see it. Yay for twee, plinky-plink retro wist-pop soundtracks!

Oh, heh! I guess this news is a bit old. Here is some more info on the disastrous project.

Is it simply that studios are too terrified to give a woman first billing over a male star, lest people then think the film to be a chick flick? After all, Vaughn's last hit was The Break-Up, the rare romantic comedy with strong male appeal, something that marketing folks might have felt was in jeopardy had costar Jennifer Aniston been first-billed. Four Christmases isn't a romcom but a flat-out comedy, but would it be perceived as the former if Vaughn was subservient to Witherspoon in the billing block?

Yes, when compared to Witherspoon, the presence of Vaughn in this film makes us more likely to see it (though still? not very likely), simply because the actor has a track record of enlivening even the most formulaic films with his improvised comic riffs. Still, we wonder just how B- and C-list you'd have to go to find a male costar whom the studio would allow Witherspoon to supplant. In an alternate Four Christmases, could the actress vault over Colin Farrell to claim first billing? Or will she have to settle for a part opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. to claim what, by rights, should be hers?

Boomp3.com

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back?

Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What?

J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home?

(Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds)

R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger.

(Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.)

J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot.

R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too.

J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom?

R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though.

J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is.

R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed.

J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all.

R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay?

Photo Credit: Flynet

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Jake Gyllenhaal channels his inner brute and shows off his newly buff body on the set of his latest movie, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, in Morocco, North Africa on Monday morning.

The 27-year-old actor, who has an entire mane of hair now, held hands with his actress girlfriend Reese Witherspoon. The couple spent the the weekend at the exclusive luxury Moroccan hotel Amanjena. Gyllenspoon grabbed lunch on Saturday at a Moroccan restaurant followed by a tour of the local sights.

Though he's no stranger to delayed films, all this schedule shuffling must be wearing on Gyllenhaal. Can't he just lay down a few takes and move on to his Namath-playing dreams before the next decade? Who's Donnie Darko gotta screw around here to get a same-year wrap-and-release?

• Jake Gyllenhaal is the Shirtless Prince of Persia [Just Jared]

Boomp3.com

A VIP host at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas made a quick phone call to reinstate his gym membership after hanging out with actor Ryan Phillippe poolside this weekend. The host was overheard as to have said, "I know that I canceled my membership three weeks. I know that ... Well, I just spent the last twenty minutes staring at the glistening abs of Ryan Phillippe ... He was in a bunch of movies ... Yeah, he was married to Reese Witherspoon ... Great guy, but you try standing next to him when he's not wearing a shirt ... Exactly ... Cool. Personal trainer. She's going to be hot, right? I mean, you can tell me. Okay, cool. See you tomorrow then."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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A fretful Reese Witherspoon asked the women at a Brentwood nail salon if it would be okay for her to drive home with wet nails. The Little Nicky star has had numerous manicures in the past, but seemed unsure if her nails were completely dry yet. The nail technicians assured Witherspoon that her fingernails were dry and completely safe for driving. Witherspoon looked at her manicure one more time and asked if they could run a hair dryer over them before heading she got behind the wheel.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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All those of hours of practice and hard work finally paid off for Reese Witherspoon and her bulldog as they successfully struck a similar pose on their way to Fred Segal. Witherspoon was inspired by the CBS reality series Greatest American Dog and wanted to have a symbiotic relationship with the pup. Witherspoon didn't want to become a crazy dog lady, but she realized that her bulldog was just too cute to not pal around with while in Hollywood.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Britney Spears gave up custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline, retaining only visitation rights. The singer had been showing signs of steady mental and physical improvement, so it seemed odd she'd give up her custody battle so readily. Meanwhile, Spears' handlers keep trying to nudge her into making some more money for them, already. Sad.
• Amy Poehler is leaving Saturday Night Live for a spinoff of the Office. I think it's safe to blame Chris Matthews. [AP]
• After admitting she was stung by Maxim magazine calling her the "unsexiest woman in the world," Sarah Jessica Parker had her trademark mole removed. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the stupid magazine thing and everything to do with the mole having to be digitally edited out of the Sex And The City movie, which would make anyone a touch self-conscious. [LA Times]
• The Who bandmates Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey are supposed to do a $100 million tour but are already fighting over song selection and insisting on separate dressing rooms, hotels, travel arrangements and staff, because that's what cranky senior citizens do. [P6]
• Ryan Phillippe sent his brunette girlfriend, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, to get her hair dyed the same color as his blonde ex-wife, Reese Witherspoon — in the same salon. [P6]
• Pictures of British actress Dame Helen Mirren in a bikini: Surprisingly hot! [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Aniston told Miley Cyrus she'd like to make a movie together. Cyrus gave a tentative OK, subject to Annie Leibovitz's approval. [Star]

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While at the Tate Museum in London, actress Reese Witherspoon politely asked if the person who just took a picture of her could delete it. Witherspoon felt it was kind of weird to sneak a photo right behind her back like that, then suggested if they wanted a photo to simply ask for one. The person told Witherspoon that she wasn't taking a photo of the actress, but of her child who happened to be standing behind her. Witherspoon quickly apologized and returned to her family. The woman leaned over to her friend and whispered, "Sucker. I was so taking her picture."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)
OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)
In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)
Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)
Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

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Reese Witherspoon was surprised by the lack of a sour taste in her post-workout lemonade. Witherspoon felt that the lackluster lemonade was going to a put a sour note in the rest of her day. Witherspoon said, "It's cold, which is perfect for a day like today. I just wanted something real sour. I should've probably gone to the kids on the corner. It would've been sweeter." When reached for comment, the kid on the corner said, "Not only sweeter, but a lot cheaper, too. My sister and I sweating out here so we could get a Wii Fit. We could've used the exposure for the stand. Hey mister, do you want buy a glass of lemonade?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

As we had the pleasure of witnessing last month, Jake and Reese made one of their most public and skin-revealing appearances on the beach, with Reese all smiles in her itty bitty blue bikini, and Jake's impressive upper body on sunny display. And in a possible revenge ploy, Ryan agreed to accompany Abbie to an Australian awards ceremony, marking their first red carpet appearance as an official couple. Of course, it's basically public knowledge by now that Ryan took the divorce far harder than Reese, judging by his many weepy quotes about suicide and "vomiting" over the years, and Reese put Ryan in check mate first with those lovey dovey beach photos. No matter how many meetings, lawyers and arguments over child custody have taken place over the years, these pictures were apparently worth a thousand words.

• REESE WITHERSPOON AND RYAN PHILLIPPE FINALIZE THEIR DIVORCE [Us]

Ben Stiller and Reese Witherspoon will star in an untitled Cameron Crowe romantic comedy adventure at Columbia Pictures.

Columbia was the winning bidder, beating out four rival studios, in landing the fully developed project, which is being produced by Scott Rudin. Crowe, who wrote the screenplay, is also producing.

Studio is keeping the logline of the contemporary-set project under wraps.

Whatever this movie is about, the very fact that it romantically pairs two of the most tightly-coiled, type-A-list stars in Hollywood should guarantee at the very least some choice tantrum scenes, followed by an inevitable pouty break-up montage set to the The Smithereens' "Since You Went Away."

• Stiller, Witherspoon fly with Crowe [Variety]

In late 2006, the pair were snapped hundreds of times on the set of Stop Loss, but the pictures hardly compared to those paparazzi shots of Ryan and Abbie literally "necking" in December last year. And despite the optimism behind Stop Loss failing to move money at the B.O., those who did buy a ticket would have noticed the obvious chemistry between the couple on-screen. Considering the fact that Jake and Reese were very publicly photographed in their itty bitty beach clothes just weeks ago, Ryan's decision to finally flash his mug next to Abbie's Down Under hints at an interesting case of one-upmanship by way of the paparazzi. Anything Reese can do, Ryan can do better!

[Photo credits: NYDN, Yuddy Hush, Getty]

• RYAN PHILLIPPE STEPS OUT WITH ABBIE CORNISH [People]

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Popular actress Reese Witherspoon attempted to hide the backside of her sweatpants as if she was a sorority girl who got a regrettable lower back tattoo during spring break. At first, Witherspoon thought the photographers were attempting to get a photo of her ring finger, but then the cat calls came regarding the back of her pants. Photographers were shouting things like, "I like them Eri pants," "How come it don't say 'Jake' right there, Reese? I bet he'd like that!" which was quickly followed by rounds of laughter and high fives. Witherspoon told the hooters and hollerers that she just threw these on and would've gone with some tights, but she didn't feel like being torn apart by the spiky haired guy on TMZ the following day.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

OK!
"Ready To Wed!" Here's the gist: Reese Witherspoon doesn't want her children to see her living "in sin," so she won't let Jake Gyllenhaal move in until they're married. But! The kids love him. So conditions are perfect. "Hollywood Big Mouths" is a 2-page spread out OK!'s favorite pouty lips. Janice Dickinson, Anne Hathaway and Ali Lohan are honored.
Grade: F (salt water)






Us
"Stabbed In The Heart!" Intern Sharon says, "That is so emo." Jessica Simpson is so distraught that her ex John Mayer is with Jen Aniston that she's been turning to alcohol. Apparently she went out with her friend CaCee Cobb (who is dating Scrubs star Donald Faison) and they all knocked back so many margaritas that Jess had to call her mom for a ride — and it was the night before Mother's Day! (CaCee drank so much she "puked a little under the table," says a source.) This story goes on for eight pages and there's a chart called "Jess Vs. Jen: The two share more than just John Mayer" where the ladies are shown in bikinis so you can compare them. Classy. Moving on: Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon are dunzo, but they want to be civil, so it's easy on their son Milo. A source says, "They fell out of love." Sniff. Heath Ledger's Joker action figure is selling out at toy stores, although it's not really a collectible or worth anything. People just want to own it. Blind item! "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star was disinvited[sic] from her own sister's wedding because her family is so distrustful of her long-time beau? Says a source, 'Her mom thinks the guys is a mooch.'" Also inside: Tom Cruise holds people so tightly his hand leaves a mark (Fig. 1). Are Britney and Kevin reconciling? The exes have a "camraderie," says a source. Jennifer Lopez's sister Lynda Lopez is expecting, if you care. Angelina's "bizarre baby plan" is to have the kid in France. Also, Us points out that Star reported that Angie has gestational diabetes, but it's not true; and Star claims she is having twins, but she says "my baby" when discussing her pregnancy. Also, Brad and Angelina will not get married any time soon, because it would complicate their finances. Lastly, there's a four-page Sex And The City story with cocktail recipes and quiz.
Grade: D- (gray water)

In Touch
"Brad Walks Away" Apparently Brad and Angie have been arguing because she doesn't want to get married and he was spotted drinking alone at a bar on the coast of France. (But, um, she can't go drinking with him, she's pregnant.) Maybe she has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, speculates a psychologist who does not treat her. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan bitched out a girl who was talking to Samantha Ronson while Sam was DJing. LL pointed at the woman and screamed, "You're a slut!" Apparently the look on LL's face was "scary." Britney's "mystery bump" is probably due to the fact that she's on Prozac and Zoloft and eating a lot. Lastly: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has pages from fashion magazines up in her closet. "When she can't think of what to wear, she closes her eyes, spins around, and points at a picture. That will be what she wears."
Grade: D- (purified water)

Life & Style
"Friends Fear That Jessica Got Dumped Again!" While Tony Romo was at Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort in Chicago, he told his buddies that he and Jessica Simpson had split. That same night, Jessica drowned her sorrows in booze and burritos. Jen Aniston has a new love and a new body! She only eats salad, sez the mag. Jen is telling people that John is more adventurous than she's used to — and she likes it! Angelina has been relaxing in France in a bikini. "Angie loves her pregnant body," crows a caption. Lastly: Vince Vaughn turned down a threesome with two goth sisters and they sold their tale (and picture) to the mag. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (sparkling water)

Star
"Nicole In Tears!" At Crown Bar in L.A., Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan sat next to each other. "Their heads were practically touching and his leg was over hers," says a spywitness. When Paris Hilton saw what was happening, she made a huge deal of it and made sure everyone saw. Then she texted Nicole with the news. One source says Lindsay is clueless and "just doesn't get that she crosses the line." Another source says Nicole thinks Lindsay is a horrible human being. Moving on: Newlywed Nick Cannon is so happy, "My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard," he says. Kate Bosworth is "back to bones." She is 5'7" and 102 lbs. Apparently when she was with Orlando Bloom, he would tell her she had puffy cheeks and she got down to 100 lbs. Then she was back up to 113 lbs., but her new boyfriend is a model and very weight-conscious. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson says she never thought she'd get married so young but Ryan Reynolds "kept asking, at least for the last six months. He just wore me down." Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt are already dunzo: She was too clingy, he was just in it for the fame. "Doug spent all his time looking for his pictures in magazines and Googling himself," says a source. Heidi Montag scandal! "This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around the waist, to make it look like she's three months along," says an insider. She and Spencer will refuse to confirm or deny anything to keep the rumor mill going. John Mayer wants to impress Jen Aniston, so he spent $6,000 on gifts for her: $600 patent leather YSL pumps; $2,175 quilted leather Prada bag and three 18K gold bangles for $1,150 each. Kristin Davis is not like Charlotte York because she is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. At all. Fresh-out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst was seen drinking at a NYC bar; she slammed whiskey shots and rum and cokes and she was out of control. Relapse! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will get married in Mexico and honeymoon there, too. Pete's gonna wear sneakers with his tux. (Intern Sharon says, " I wouldn't expect anything else.) Suri Cruise drinks a special Scientology formula that is made from barley water, organic milk and organic raw honey. Sometimes it coagulates into an unappetizing yellow. A pediatrician who does not treat Suri says she may not be getting the vitamins she needs. Plus, honey can rot babies' teeth. But Scientologists don't believe in breastfeeding.
Grade: C- (mineral water)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

1. Haylie Duff Will Host: While Duff isn't the worst reality show host in history (in case you hadn't heard, Elizabeth "I'm! So!...Scared." Berkeley is currently overseeing Step It Up And Dance), she's no Heidi Klum or Simon Cowell. Sure, she has a smidge of Broadway cred (she appeared in Hairspray), we're not too optimistic about her ability to intimidate the ten competitors or dominate the judges' table.

2. Speaking Of The Judges' Table: We do hate referencing Step It Up twice in one post, but as Var reports, legendary Broadway vet Jerry Mitchell will join casting agent Bernard Telsey in roles roughly equivalent to Project Runway's Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. But Jerry, the adorable Tim Gunn-esque bundle of loveliness that he is, currently mentors the scandal-ridden contestants on Step It Up. Two problems here: one, is this an early sign that the Bravo dancing show is kaput? And secondly, is Mitchell really titillating enough to keep viewers coming back? He's a sweetheart. He doesn't say "dawgs" like Idol's Randy, or "I feel like the Pope at a sex club" like PR's Kors.

3. The Movie-To-Musical Trend Is Risky Business: With the exceptions of Hairspray, The Producers, and Cabaret, the latest attempts to turn hit movies into Broadway hits have failed both critically and monetarily. Mel Brooks' sophomoric effort to turn one of his classics, Young Frankenstein, into song-and-dance gold fell short as critics frowned. Xanadu has done well with tourists but at the end of the day, the only reason to go is to watch hot boys and girls wiggle around stage on roller skates. And don't forget that Footloose recently crashed and burned. Unfortunately for the producers of Legally Blonde (who will not only have to train a new lead, but also part with Laura Bell Bundy, the show's only saving grace), the only hope for the continuation of their show appears to be, well, this show.

[Photo credit: More Things]

• 'BLONDE' A HIGHLIGHT OF MTV'S SLATE [Var]

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Beloved actress Reese Witherspoon took the news of Kate Hudson landing the cover of People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People issue rather hard while leaving the gym this morning. Witherspoon assumed that she was a shoe-in since she makes movies that people love and watch and dates the hottest guy in the game (Jake Gyllenhaal, obvs). Additionally, she's been told on numerous occasions that she's as cute as a button. It was then that Witherspoon began to wonder what kind of kinky favors Hudson did for the editors in order to land the cover.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

In today's episode: Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon, and Jamie Lee Curtis; Michael Douglas and Michelle Rodriguez; Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor; Mark McGrath; Dustin Hoffman; Billy Joel; Romany Malco; Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Dennis Rodman; Zachary Quinto; John Legend; Danny Masterson; Dina Meyer; Louie Anderson; Robert Wisdom; Jocelyn Wildenstein; Jim Jones; and Constantine Maroulis.

· March 12th, lunchtime. On my inaugural visit to Mozza on Highland and Melrose, I spotted a gaggle of celebs while stuffing my face with their signature pizza. Up from a table rose lanky Jamie Lee Curtis, wearing all blacks and greys and her signature spunky haircut. As my eyes traveled down to resume pizza-eating, I noticed two of the four sitting at the table that I presume she was sitting at - of all folks, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. JG was scruffy and terribly attractive, much more so in person than I expected, and stared at RW adoringly, snapping a few candids of her throughout the lunch with his digital camera. Cute couple.

· Michael Douglas inciting a near-riot among the 15 (I counted) paparazzi camped in front of Il Sole on Sat night (3/8). No sign of his 38-year old wife. Michelle Rodriguez was there too but I'm pretty sure we've all stopped caring about her.

· Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor dining at Katsuya in Studio City on Friday, 03/07. They were with another couple.

03/07 - Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray at Hotel Figueroa in downtown LA.

· 2/9- Billy Joel at the Village Idiot on Melrose... low key in requisite celeb-staple baseball hat squeezed into a booth with industry types. took a second to decide it was really him, until it dawned on my group that the Grammy's were indeed the next day.

· 2/27- Romany Malco of 40 Year-Old virgin and Weeds fame at the Grove. Had to do a quick double take considering the 'wow he's not much taller than me' surprise that 90% of privacywatches seem to recognize. Hugging a girlfriend type and quite handsome in a t-shirt and jeans.

· 3/8- Dustin Hoffman walking down the insufferably crowded 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica arm and arm with wife (I assume?). Seemed to be enjoying the beautiful evening despite the sea of humanity. Looks exactly like he does on film with a well-deserved and friendly 'it's good to be me!' grin.

· Joseph Gordon Levitt at the Rufus Wainwright show at USC on Wednesday (3/5). He was up in the balcony with us common folk, he looked like a cute hipster in glasses, striped sweater and an Obama 08 pin, he seemed to be really enjoying the show. Rufus was amazing as usual, he dedicated one song to Heath Ledger, which made me think of how adorable he and JGL were in 10 Things I Hate About You.

· march 1st... dennis rodman walking into koi wasted... a few drinks later, he got kicked out for shoving a kid at a birthday dinner one table over from him...

· Stardage 2008-03-08 Silver Lake Star System
spotted the rebooted Spock (and everyone's faves super villain, Seiler), Zachary Quinto, leaving the gayster hangout, Akbar. he was usual hot self, but was sporting the vulcan eyebrows. Also saw Jesse Tyler Ferguson of the me sitcom, The Class. i'm a sucker for cute redheads, what can i say

· 1ish on Saturday night. John Legend with a toffee-skinned model at the In and Out on Sunset and Orange. Took pictures and signed autographs for a mob of film school types.

· Danny Masterson at the Coffee Bean on Sunset Blvd, but not the one by the DGA building. Very nice to the staff and handed a drink off to a
mysterious individual in his Range Rover. (march 12)

· Last night (03/09) I was standing in line at the ticket window buying tix to Married Life at the Monica 4-Plex (Santa Monica) and caught my husband checking out a hottie in front of us. When she turned around after getting her tickets I realized it was none other than Starship Trooper, Dina Meyer! I was shocked and said "it's Dizzy Flores" a bit too loud. She gave me a smile and nod of acknowledgment (I guess she gets that a lot!) as she wandered into the theater with a female friend who rudely laughed in my face (and looked exactly like Camryn Manheim, but wasn't). She's not as tall as she looks on screen and was looking a bit glassy-eyed and pale but still very striking. And she was sporting long wavy dark hair too. No sign of those frizzy dizzy curls!

· On my way to the car rental desk at the Burbank Airport on 3/7 I notice a familiar face talking on his cellphone, dressed in clothes too heavy for the weather and looking rather slept in. I know he's a comedian but I can't come up with the name of this rather heavy man with a gap in his front teeth. Using those descriptors as my Google reference didn't help, but then I remembered Family Feud and I realized I had seen Louie Anderson. And sadly, he was my only celebrating sighting on my short visit.

· On Saturday, March 8, saw everyone's favorite cat woman, Jocelyn Wildenstein, at The Ivy. I guess what was so remarkable, well, other than THAT, was her ginormous boobs. I mean, the pics always just show her face. But, she was standing there, with what I assumed was her boyfriend, looking like she could release the hounds at any minute. It was a rather fascinating site as the tourists weren't quite sure what to make of this special occasion. The only thing that could possible top that was if Angelyne popped out of her pink Corvette and challenged JW to a cat fight. Sunday was much more tame. Had beers, and a pretty in depth political discussion, with Robert Wisdom at the Village Idiot. Who is that you ask? Major "Bunny" Colvin from The Wire. I guess what made it so remarkable was that the end of the series was about to air in a few hours and he was just throwing back a few pints on Melrose. I hate to say it, but a really nice guy and a lucid thinker.

· Rapper Jim Jones getting his swoll on at Equinox West Hollywood. Balllllllllllin'!

· Went bowling Friday afternoon (3/7) with the coworkers at Pinz in Studio City and spotted Constantine Maroulis bowling with a blonde chick, older guy with stringy hair, and a kid who looked to be in his early teens. Odd group. They were just starting to bowl as we walked out so the most I saw was his first shot down the alley... he was using a hot pink ball.

June 2006: "Reese Witherspoon: She's Not Pregnant, It's Bloat!" Star Magazine
After Reese played the lawsuit game with Star for claiming she was pregnant, the magazine launched a counterattack with this doozy.

May 10, 2007:"Val Kilmer Goes From Batman To Fatman," The Daily Mail
Among the story's gems were, "where a six pack once rippled on Val Kilmer's chest, now stands what looks more like a rather large beer belly," and "there appeared to be a lot more to Kilmer than once met the eye." But the report does give Kilmer one reason not to just drift off into the waves and end it all then: "Despite his growing paunch, Kilmer appears to be working harder than ever." Yes, believe it or not, Kilmer's expanding waistline didn't prevent him from acting! Astonishing.

November 2004: "260-lb Kirstie: Too Fat For Sex!" Star Magazine
At her worst, Kirstie wasn't exactly adored by the weeklies, who happily decorated their covers week after week with the world's most unflattering photos and cover stories. But rather than suing them all, she used some of the more stellar headlines in her comeback vehicle Fat Actress.

July 2006: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," National Enquirer
Demi Moore and Britney Spears were inducted into the "Cellulite Hall of Fame," and Michael Douglas and Chris Noth were accused of having frightful bellies. Poor Gerard Depardieu was even ragged on for wearing a thong on a European beach, where aging actors and healthy appetites are heartily welcome.

May 2007: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," Star Magazine
The award for "Worst Saggy"? Uma Thurman! "Worst Secret Sagginess"? Kate Hudson! Last we checked, Uma and Kate were two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, no? And poor Hulk Hogan won the title of "Worst Bikini," who "has gone wrong in so many ways," and whose neon beachwear "makes it touch to avoid noticing Hulk's uh, hogans."

[Photo Credits: Popbytes, Celebitchy, Daily Mail, Ms. Magazine]

• LISA MARIE SUES TABLOID OVER WEIGHT GAIN STORY [Us]

boomp3.com

Sure, everybody might view Reese Witherspoon as America's sweetheart, but deep down inside her lies Tracy Flick. A Tracy Flick who will come out and go off on any actress that threatens to take parts and awards away from her. Watch your back, Amy Adams. Oh, by the way, if Variety has been wondering who ripped down all those "For Your Consideration" posters, look no further.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Actor Robert Downey Jr. is about to be in blackface in a movie, but it's totally OK because it's so meta: Downey will not wear blackface to pretend to be black; he will wear blackface to pretend to be a white actor pretending to be black. Totally different. [Film School Rejects via Digg]
• Singer Britney Spears' father Jamie will continue to run most of her life through the end of July, meaning her insanity will continue a steady decline that has so far mirrored falls in the dollar and stock market. Coincidence? [AP]
• As predicted by everyone in the entire world, model and famed assistant-beater Naomi Campbell flipped out when she found out news of her gynecological surgery in Brazil leaked: "Naomi was in an absolute fury that word had gotten out... The female nurse who brought her breakfast one day left the room in tears after Naomi cursed her out.” [ShowbizSpy quoting National Enquirer]
• Here's a picture of actress Angelina Jolie at an airport looking busty and otherwise pregnant. [Sun]
• Page Six has banished Patrick Swayze's rep to its Liars' Corner for saying a hospital admission earlier this month was for a "gastrointenstinal procedure" when in fact the star had pancreatic cancer. [P6]
• Movie star couple Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon are in your darkened movie theater, fucking around with their BlackBerrys. Who's a cute couple now? [P6]
• Now that he's all fit and a war hero and everything, Prince Harry's girlfriend takes him back. [Sun]
• Anna Wintour has been hanging out with basketball star and Ralph Lauren fan LeBron James before she puts him on the cover of Vogue. [P6]
• Maybe he really will, finally, lose the Neverland Ranch: singer Michael Jackson said to be looting his home before it is seized. [Showbiz Spy]
• Former rich kid Brandon Davis now asking for free drinks in bars. [P6]

The 31-year-old producer said the story of Penelope was perfect for a Type A personality because, among other reasons, it spoke to some big issues yet centered on a young woman.

It had a really great female character who was strong, ambitious, but definitely had a journey to go through to get to the place where she would find herself," Witherspoon said.

Of course, The Miley and Mandy Show has already exceeded the audience projected for the oft-delayed, acclaim-challenged Penelope, thus vanquishing the Witherspoon threat and affirming the teen superstar's media supremacy at least a full year before a sure-to-surface sex tape her first turn as a "serious actress" will put her over the top once and for all.

• Penelope shows Witherspoon's nose for producing [Reuters]
• Miley Cyrus Oscars interview [YouTube]
• The Miley and Mandy Show [YouTube]
• Penelope [Rotten Tomatoes]

10. Julia Roberts, 2001
9. Daryl Hannah, 1988
8. Hilary Swank, 2005

7. Claudia Schiffer, 1995
6. Reese Witherspoon, 2006
5. Angelina Jolie, 2004.

4. Catherine Zeta-Jones, 2004
3. Charlize Theron, 2004
2. Halle Berry, 2003

And our pick for all-time best-dressed, mostly because she looks so comfortable and glam at the same time: Uma Thurman, redeeming herself for ending up on our Worst Dressed List, in 2006.

• OSCARS 08 [Official Site]

Facing the same predicament as The Other Boleyn Girl, Penelope has split the trades; Var calls it "uneven," while THR thinks it's "charming." But just like Boleyn, this adapted tale is armed with one hot blonde and one hot brunette. Though marketing hornballs may have been responsible for ScarNat's press blitz, Reese is wearing her producer's hat on this picture, meaning there probably won't be any funny business. Which is a shame, considering the fact that Reesetina had the boobs/vixen hair/tight dresses thing going on back at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival, where Penelope first debuted. Maybe they just need to rekindle the flame.

[Photo Credit: Getty]

• 'PENELOPE' REVIEW [Var]
• PENELOPE [THR]

· The WGA has announced the nominations for its awards, with Juno, Michael Clayton, The Savages, Knocked Up, and Lars and the Real Girl recognized in the original screenplay category. [Variety]
· How are some striking writers killing time in between picketing shifts and producing YouTube videos? By writing children's books. (Look for Goodnight Moonves at your local Borders soon!) [THR]
· Fox finished Wednesday night in a fourth-place tie with Univision in the 18-49 demographic behind two hours of Back to You and Til Death repeats, biding its time until it unleashes American Idol upon its rivals. [Variety]