Paula Abdul has set the record straight on her non-stop freak parade of emotionally erratic behavior and incoherent stream of consciousness ramblings: It was not, as it turns out, the byproduct of her penchant for crushed Klonopin-rimmed margaritas, but in fact just Simon Cowell being a mischievous little gremlin. Now that that's all settled, let's all just sit back, relax, and breathe in the crazy:

Do Paula Abdul's private parts influence her tastes as a judge? Here's what the American Idol panelist said when Rolling Stone asked her if she's ever tempted to rip into contestants: It's not my role. Why should I, when the guys to the right and left of me [Simon Cowell] will crush them? And that's on top of the fact that I have a vagina. Though I do check between my legs to see if something else is sprouting down there.

Sure, you could reread it, and try to pinpoint the seemingly inexistant logic bridge that took Abdul from the subject of judging American Idol to rhapsodizing about her ladyflower; you won't find one, however, no matter how hard you look. We can only hope the same can be said for Paula's hand mirror-assisted self-exam rituals.

• Paula Abdul hangs with the guys [MSNBC.com]
• Paula Abdul Hopped Up On Simon Cowell's Goofballs [Defamer]

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