On today's Oprah (set your DVRs, West Coasters!), legendarily corpulent Scientologist Kirstie Alley, once so professionally hampered by her plus-size frame that she had no choice but to dedicate an entire Showtime series to her inability to get acting work, proudly displays a slimmed down figure made possible by the tireless work of a battalion of Jenny Craig's finest celebrity-starvation technicians. We have to admit that the bikini-clad body Alley shows off is a large improvement over the generously muu-muu'd form the public has known over the past few years, but we fear the transformation is ultimately futile, as the part of our cortex responsible for processing Alley-related visual stimuli was long ago scarred beyond repair by her fudgecicle-deepthroating pay-cable misadventures, preventing any new images of the Fat Actress from ever taking root in our brains.

• 'Oprah' Follow-Ups: Kirstie's Bikini Body [Oprah.com]

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